Classic quotations from jokers

1. If a man has money, he will have a good relationship with everyone.

2. Children regard toys as friends, and adults regard friends as toys.

3. Use your real name to tell lies in real life, and use a pseudonym to tell the truth online.

4. We seem to have entered an era where love can only be proven by giving money.

5. What you eat is grass and what you squeeze out is acne.

6. Advertising is to tell others that their money can be spent in this way.

7. Brother, let me throw a brick first. If there is jade, just throw it over.

8. Customers are not God, customers are just fooled.

9. We had a little disagreement: She wanted me to turn dirt into gold, and I wanted her to treat gold like dirt!

10. I don’t know that my wife is beautiful, Liu Qiangdong doesn’t care about money, and Jack Ma is from Peking University Not bad, Sa Beining is the ugliest in the whole family, Liu Yifei

11. Rich people are afraid that others will know that they are rich, while poor people are afraid that others will know that they have no money.

12. It is not terrible to meet a group of rogues on the Internet, but the terrible thing is to encounter a bunch of rogue software.

13. The ex-girlfriend is like a biological child, and the second-girlfriend is like an adopted one.

14. Women like men who are secure; men are often attracted to women who are insecure.

15. Don’t believe in love at first sight, because you can’t tell how much money the other person earns at a glance.

16. The attitude towards intellectuals marks the degree of civilization of a nation; the attitude towards workers and peasants tests the conscience of the nation.

17. Qianqian is a gentleman who has been tempered for a long time. Qianqian is a gentleman. He has never had an abortion for Qianqian, but he still has the nerve to say that you love him!

18. Back then, if you didn't go to college, you would be poor for the rest of your life, but now you are going to be poor immediately after going to college.

19. If being rich is also a mistake, then I would rather make the same mistake again and again.

20. Fire can be used to test gold, gold can be used to test women, and women can be used to test men.

21. In the past: first-rate students went abroad, second-rate students took postgraduate entrance exams, and third-rate students got jobs.

22. There are two ways to pollute a place: use garbage, or use banknotes!

23. When you have no money, your wife is also your secretary; when you are rich, your secretary is also your secretary Wife.

24. A high job is not as good as a high salary, a high salary is not as good as a long life, and a long life is not as good as happiness.

25. Stealing one person’s idea is plagiarism, stealing many people’s ideas is research.

26. Sometimes explanations are unnecessary? Enemies don’t believe your explanations, but friends don’t need your explanations.

27. Half of the books in the world are written by stupid people for stupid people.

28. Now: first-rate students are employed, second-rate students go abroad, and third-rate students take postgraduate entrance exams.

29. The meaning of "I love you" is: No matter poverty, wealth, birth or old age, illness or death, natural disasters or man-made disasters, I will never leave you. When you say these three words, do you have enough courage and tenacity to endure his life? Love, don't say it easily.

30. Pull your tie in front of the mirror; whistle and go downstairs; put out your cigarette decisively; suddenly drive the car over, roll down the window and laugh; bend down to stroke the head of a cute child; change from behind Holding out a rose; doing push-ups with beads of sweat on his face; speaking on stage with his eyes scanning the entire audience; showing Sichuan wrinkles on his forehead when thinking; walking decisively and striding forward; changing light bulbs or hammering nails; taking out his wallet without hesitation when paying. .

31. It is best to fall in love only three times in your life, once for ignorance, once for deep love, and once for life. If you talk too much, you will compare and be unable to determine; if you experience too much, you will become numb, no longer believe in love, and become a walking dead. In the end, you will marry someone you don't love, and you will not be able to love the other person from the heart. If you cope with your daily performance, the other person will complain that you don't care enough. And the failure of love without caring about family will make you live your whole life in regret and make do.

32. After graduation, I know that campus love is the purest; After graduation, I know that study is the most important; After graduation, I know that campus life is the happiest; After graduation, I know that dormitory life It is the best; After graduation, I realized that the food in the cafeteria is the cheapest; After graduation, I realized that going to school is the most wonderful thing. , I found out after graduation that students are the most lavish spenders...

33. If you offend your boss, all you will lose is a job; if you offend your customers, all you will lose is a job Order; yes, there is only one person in the world who can be offended: if you look down on her, complain to her, contradict her loudly, or even throw a bowl in front of her, she will not hold a grudge against you. The reason is simple, because She is your mother.

34. Trust between people is like a piece of paper. Once it is damaged, it will never return to its original state.

35. The king of ambiguity: Scorpio; Indecision: Virgo; Frequent thinking: Gemini; Reverse thinking: Aquarius; True love is guiltless: Pisces; Learning from history: Capricorn; Weighing the pros and cons: Taurus; .Better to lack than to waste: Libra; .Social ethics: Cancer; .Cherish time as gold: Aries; .No time to care: Sagittarius; .Clear goals: Leo. Is this true of you?

36. The most powerful curse sentence I have ever heard is "The zombie opens your brain and walks away disappointed, but the dung beetle passing by brightens up!"

37. Once I saw that bullshit joke with my girlfriend, saying that if your boyfriend makes you angry, slap him in the face while he is sleeping and then talk in his sleep. I didn't dare to close my eyes all night, and was always on guard, for fear of getting slapped for no reason, but I got slapped anyway. "Who are you trying to scare by staring at me when you're up all night?"

38 . Grandpa Goat’s cabbage harvest is good, so he asks the little white rabbit and the little black rabbit to help. After collecting the cabbage, Grandpa Goat gave the two little rabbits some cabbage respectively. The little black rabbit got the cabbage and left. The little white rabbit said: Grandpa, I don’t want cabbage, you can give me some rapeseed. The next year, the little white rabbit starved to death before the cabbage grew. The little black rabbit finished eating his cabbage, just in time for the white rabbit's cabbage to mature, so he took it away and made himself fat.

39. I used to think it was cool to go to nightclubs, get tattoos, and get piercings. Later I discovered that these things are not difficult at all, you can do them as long as you are willing. What is cooler should be those things that are not easy to do, such as reading and making money, which are boring things in the eyes of ordinary people.

40. I was in an Internet cafe with my friends. The Internet cafe has a song system, so I ordered a national anthem! When the music started playing, several friends even sang in harmony, and the whole internet cafe was slowly buzzing with excitement! The climax was when the police came to check, and when I entered the house and saw more than a hundred people singing the national anthem, my face turned green!

41. There is a pancake and fruit stall near the company. The food is very delicious. My colleagues all like it. I am also a regular customer. When I arrived at his stall, there was only one child. I asked him: Where is your father? The child turned around and shouted: Dad, come back quickly, the big customer who wants to add five eggs is here...

42. One morning I got a call. I was already at work, and the number looked like I didn’t know him, so he politely said: "Hello, hello..." A man's voice from the opposite side said: "Little L, have you gotten up?" I was shocked at that time, and stammered: "Get up." , get up..." "Oh, get up? Come to the old place" "Huh?" "Come and get the express delivery!" "Damn, the delivery guy is so wasteful!

43. I, Sakura, will let you know what a magical girl is today.

44. I went to eat Malatang. The boss’s son was very cute and I also met him. I was just there playing with him carelessly, and the boss shook his head when he saw it. My wife called me to come back quickly. As soon as I walked out of the door, the boss chased me out with a knife. I said: I'm sorry I forgot to pay. Six yuan is not enough to carry a knife, right? Boss: No need to pay, just put my son down!

45. After my father was robbed of 8,000 yuan, he accepted the reality with the help of the police.

46. I watched the video today and saw Pheasant and Haonan singing on the same stage. The audience was buzzing with excitement. I felt that those who went to the Young and Dangerous concert were all fake fans, because True fans are in jail.

47. A female colleague asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend and go meet her parents. I asked her, what do I need to prepare? She thought about it for a while, smiled and told me, no need to prepare, be more relaxed, smile more, just be as you normally are, it's just going through the motions anyway, they will 100% force me to break up when they see you, this is not the case That’s ok!

48. I went to Hangzhou a few days ago and walked to the statue of "Mother-in-law Tattooing" and heard a middle-aged man say, "Only my mother-in-law can do it, my mother can't do this." The last circle of tourists fell silent instantly.

49. In the evening, my roommate and her boyfriend went for a walk, and it suddenly started to rain. So her boyfriend took off his coat and put it over their heads to protect them from the rain. Ah, that sounds pretty good. But straight men will never live up to everyone's expectations. Male roommate: Hey, does it look like a dragon dance?

50. I was defrauded out of more than RMB 10,000 by telecommunications and I didn’t get back a penny. Today, the police station notified me that I must attend the anti-fraud knowledge lecture they held because I am a typical case.

51. My mother will also point out to me, if someone’s pig is lost...

52. At least twenty pounds of fat on your body is due to "cannot waste" It comes from four words.

53. Really, it’s okay for little girls to play lol, but don’t watch the live broadcast, otherwise other little girls will be "too cute", you say "how cute"; other little girls will say " Stop messing with me." You say, "I'm your dad and you keep messing with me." Other little girls say, "This is so pretty." You say, "I fuck this one the most." Lost at the starting line.

54. Third Aunt: You have graduated. Which unit and what kind of job will you go to? Me: Being an adc in Ionia. The sixth wife: This English sounds like a multinational Fortune 500 company, not bad!

55. People often ask "How do you know so much?" In fact, I don't know much at all. I say without pretense and very straightforwardly: I just pick the answers I know.

56. My classmate and his girlfriend have a good relationship, and they often show affection. Later, he was imprisoned for committing a crime. Facing his girlfriend who was crying in tears, he pretended to be calm and said: "Don't wait for me, find a good man to marry!" A few years later, when his classmate was released and returned home, he saw his girlfriend at home. While cooking, I was so moved that I was speechless. "Son, what are you doing standing still? Call mom quickly." His father reminded him from the side.

57. When I was a child, I had a very stubborn temper. When I was beaten by my father, I never cried or tried to hide. I just had an expressionless face. One time I did something wrong. He used a slipper to slap me, but I didn't cry or make a fuss. He was very angry and went into the bathroom to beat me. After searching for a long time, I brought out something that was used to connect the toilet. I thought he was going to use that thing to suck my head, so I laughed at that time. Then my dad used the wooden pole of that thing to beat me until I cried.

58. There are so many people who think they are awesome, I wonder who gives you the courage, Liang Jingru or Guangliang?

59. When traveling, I went to a temple and saw an eminent monk with a solemn appearance. He clasped his hands and said, "The donor's seal is hidden in the hall. I'm afraid there will be immediate worries. Buy a jade Buddha that I personally consecrated to protect yourself." Me: No, thank you. Eminent Monk: The donor looks bad. I also have some consecrated beads here to keep you safe. Please make a good relationship with the donor. Me: No need really. I look bad because I’m tired. I just need to rest. Eminent monk: The owner of the hotel opposite me has a Buddhist relationship with me. Why don't I take the donor there to have a rest... There are formal and informal ones... Me:...

60. It's not that the people you like don't like you, it's that you insist on liking the people who don't like you.

61. I was squeezing into the bus this morning, and a man’s cell phone rang behind me, “Old driver, take me with you, I’m going to Kunming, old driver...” I turned around and looked at him, He said, "Brother, your taste is the same as mine. This is the ringtone on my mobile phone as well." He touched the back of his head and smiled sheepishly. . .

When I first arrived at the door of the company, my colleague said to me: "Didn't you bring your mobile phone? Why didn't you answer the call I just called you?" I touched my pocket and saw that I was there. . .

62. Thinking of your gentleness, I am intoxicated; thinking of your kindness, I admire you; thinking of your income, I am infatuated; thinking of your appearance, I retreat.

63. Let me cover your eyes quietly, gently place a piece of watermelon rind under your feet, and then watch you step on it with pleasure.

64. .The first time I see you! I like you so much! You also noticed me, you smiled brightly and kept waving to me, I couldn't help but hug you! Cute Lucky Cat!

65. Do you still remember the military training under the tree that year? The instructor told the students that the first row should report. You looked at the instructor in surprise, and the instructor loudly said the count again, so you reluctantly turned around and hugged the tree!

66. Don’t be crazy with me, my eldest brother Qin Shihuang. If you don’t believe me, bin Laden is my uncle.

67. One day when you were interning in a mental hospital, a mentally ill patient suddenly chased you with a kitchen knife. You turned around and ran away until you reached a dead end. You thought it was over. The patient said: I give you the knife, it's your turn to chase me.

68. According to your birth date, you will definitely make a fortune today. First, let's get an Afro hairstyle, wear patched clothes, hold a wooden stick in the right hand, and a porcelain bowl in the left hand, walk along the street, and mutter something to do.

69. . When I was poor, you were by my side; when I was sick and injured, you were by my side; when I was frustrated in love, you were by my side, with you. So unlucky to be together.

70. .Plum blossom-like quality, glacier-like character, profound connotation, and overwhelming coolness, this is you... Umekawauchi Cool!

71. When I mention a great man, I think of Marx, when I mention a genius, I think of Tang Bohu, and when I mention a fool, I think of you!

72. Men are born with sins, and they should not be afraid of getting tired when doing things. Of course you pay for dates, and sweet words must be memorized. You have to turn in your monthly salary, don't expect anything in return, any mistakes are your fault.

73. Although I have lied countless times in my life, this one is the most perfect and exaggerated one... You are so handsome!

74. Since I met you, I have fallen deeply in love with you! Your fragrance is always lingering in my mind, and your hot passion is always lingering on my lips... Spicy Chicken Leg Burger.

75. I have two concerns... which have been hidden deep in my heart and have never been told to anyone. Today I share these two concerns with you... one is the left ventricle and the other is the right ventricle.

76. .I am happy because you are happy, I am happy because you are happy, I am sad because you have lost weight, I am smiling because you are strong, I am rich because I sold you, throat, head. Pigs are so hard!

77. .My heart is very sad, my tears flow like a river, my character is not bad, why do you love others but not me, my dear RMB!

78. When you meet a close friend, a thousand cups are too little. Can you just say that I love you? It’s not enough to say anything. If you don’t love me, please don’t say it!

79. If you forward this text message once, you will have wealth; if you forward it once, you will have official luck; if you forward it once, you will have good luck; if you forward it once, you will spend money!

80. . If there is no wind, the clouds will not move; if there is no water, the fish cannot swim; if there is no sun, the moon will not have light; if there is no you... stupid people will not exist.

81. .You are an ugly duckling in my pond, you are a silly crow in my old tree, you are my truth when I am drunk, oh, what are you secretly laughing about.