collected works

Cui Yongyuan: Hello, everyone, you are watching the outdated program "Nonsense" of CCTV. I'm Xiao Cui, the host of the program. Today, I am fortunate to have invited two famous old people-Uncle Blue Sky and Aunt Baiyun. Here are two old people, welcome.

(matador music plays)

Zhao Benshan Song Dandan tango, shaking his head and reaching out, Zhao Benshan bent down and twisted his waist.

Zhao Benshan: Oh, stop, this waist is failing.

Cui Yongyuan: Slow down, uncle. Are you okay sitting here?

Zhao Benshan: No, I'm getting old. The whole bullfighting dance can flash to my waist. If I come to Swan Lake, I think my legs will be broken.

Song Dandan: I see you eat pork loin every day. This waist is not mended, but this face is mended.

Cui Yongyuan: Welcome to the studio again.

(Two people stand up and wave hello)

Cui Yongyuan: This is the third time for you to face our cameras and audience. Over the past few years, everyone has also had a detailed understanding and understanding of the two. Please say hello and say a few words.

Zhao Benshan: The spring breeze of reform is blowing everywhere. China football lived up to expectations, and the house price doubled. Corrupt officials should be killed if they are caught. thank you

Cui Yongyuan: Uncle is still the same. Aunt is also prepared.

Song Dandan: It's my turn! The spring breeze of reform blows into the door, and divination and fortune-telling jump. Don't be sick of anything. The hospital recognizes money but not people. thank you

Cui Yongyuan: Don't say anything unhappy this New Year's Day. Say something happy, uncle.

Zhao Benshan: OK, leading comrades, hello, 0606 is very powerful. Liu Xiang broke the record, defeated foreigners, Yao Ming made his own way in basketball, learned to use his brain when playing, and became a god, all thanks to superb technology. People work hard to get rich, so they don't have to worry about food and clothing. The prosperity of the country depends entirely on the leadership of the party. Looking at the general trend of the world, China has the best development. thank you

(Sitting on the ground)

Cui Yongyuan: Uncle! You fell! Oh, get up.

Zhao Benshan: Take two steps forward and forget it.

Song Dandan: Can you make something new? Come three times and fall twice.

Zhao Benshan: Shame?

Cui Yongyuan: Uncle is still so humorous. Uncle and aunt look in good health!

Zhao Benshan: No, no, this man is going to be famous. He has too many social activities, and his health can't stand it. He's a little overwhelmed.

Cui Yongyuan: God of ant power, who knows.

Zhao Benshan: Come on, if the medicine works, who will spend money on advertising?

Cui Yongyuan: That's right. First, you can't trust advertisements; Second, you can't trust the weather forecast; Third, you can't trust entertainment reports.

Zhao Benshan: Not to mention Xiao Cui, you don't know. Your aunt stares at entertainment reports in TV and newspapers every day. Very cute.

Song Dandan: I've been looking for someone to fill my vacant idol position since Zhao Zhongxiang had a style problem.

Zhao Benshan: Cui, has Ni Ping, my dream lover, had any style problems recently?

Cui Yongyuan: I didn't know that.

Zhao Benshan: Do you think there are any good people in this entertainment circle? Yesterday, some people scolded reporters for playing big cards. Someone got pregnant with plastic surgery today. Someone slept with the director and made a video tomorrow. You say, trav, why are there so few female directors in China?

Cui Yongyuan: What happened to female directors?

Zhao Benshan: Your uncle can't find a famous female directors to sleep in.

Cui Yongyuan: Uncle, save it. I'm still looking.

Song Dandan: Since Zhao Zhongxiang was greatly discounted in my mind, I like Huang Jianxiang who knows football again.

Cui Yongyuan: They are all auspicious words. Didn't you see that aunt still likes idolization?

Zhao Benshan: Does your aunt still want to chase Liu Xiang? I don't think she can catch it either

Song Dandan: But since Huang Jianxiang fell in love with the super girl Jane Zhang, she divorced her wife and gave up her children.

Cui Yongyuan: Yes, and then there is a commentary event in the World Cup.

Song Dandan: After I came back, I stopped talking about football and went to Deyun to talk about cross talk.

Cui Yongyuan: It is reported that he resigned from CCTV.

Zhao Benshan: I said I was concentrating on writing a book. The title of the book has been decided, and it is called "Why did I say that at the World Cup".

Cui Yongyuan: That's it, penalty, penalty, Grosso's contribution, long live the great Italy, the great Italian left-back. At this time, the left-back was possessed by his soul, paolo maldini. . .

Song Dandan: Yes, yes, that's right. I watched it with your uncle in the middle of the night. His howling woke up my grandson.

Zhao Benshan: Many car alarms broke down that night.

Cui Yongyuan: Then why on earth did he say that?

Song Dandan: Some people say that he won the lottery and the Italians won, so he is crazy.

Cui Yongyuan: That's true.

Song Dandan: Actually, none of them are right. I know the details. The real reason is that during the competition, Jane Zhang sent a message to Huang Jianxiang, which read "Brother Xiang, if Italy wins, I will marry you".

Cui Yongyuan: Oh, really?

Song Dandan: Of course it's true. Tell the truth.

Cui Yongyuan: But I just heard from my aunt that my parents still like watching the World Cup.

Zhao Benshan: Yes, I did when I was young, but your aunt didn't like it before.

Cui Yongyuan: Auntie, you are influenced by your uncle, so you like watching it, too? (Cui Yongyuan turns to Song Dandan)

Song Dandan: What do you like? I never liked it.

Cui Yongyuan: Then why did you watch the ball with your uncle?

Song Dandan: Well, isn't this year's World Cup held in Germany? They have a time difference with us. They kicked us during the day, but it was actually at night. Your uncle sleeps during the day and watches the ball at night. It's really unpredictable.

Zhao Benshan: At first, your aunt didn't let me see anything. She insisted that I watch the daytime replay. You say, trav, can this live broadcast be the same as the replay? Live broadcast is like marrying the original, and replay is like keeping a mistress. You said that at my age, starvation is a small matter and disgrace is a big one. Even if I have a mistress, I can't watch the replay? Right?

Cui Yongyuan: Hmm, hmm?

Zhao Benshan: It's a mess. If you say it's a mess, you can't watch the replay.

Song Dandan: Your uncle stayed up watching football. His rooster doesn't know. He wakes up in the morning and can scream for half a morning.

Zhao Benshan: I'm very unhappy. I got up that day and killed all the cocks at home.

Song Dandan: Later, I stopped saying I wouldn't let him watch the ball.

Zhao Benshan: Well, as soon as your aunt nags, I will sharpen my knife.

Cui Yongyuan: Ah, are you scaring your aunt?

Zhao Benshan: What are you scared of? This is the thirty-six plan. Kill the chicken to scare the wife.

Cui Yongyuan: OK, so what does Uncle think of China football?

Zhao Benshan: Speaking of football in China, I'll tell you a joke.

Cui Yongyuan: Are you kidding?

Song Dandan: I've heard this joke. It is said that a Japanese football player went to God and asked God, when will our country win the world football championship? God replied, 80 years. The Japanese player cried and said, I don't think I can see that day. Then a Korean football player also went to God and asked God, when will our country win the world football championship? God replied, 100 year. Korean players cried when they heard this, saying that I would never see that day again. The last China player went to God and asked God, when will we win the world football championship in China?

Cui Yongyuan: What did God say?

Zhao Benshan: God heard him cry first. He wiped away his tears and said, I can't wait for that day.

Cui Yongyuan: Ha, it's hopeless.

Zhao Benshan: So I don't watch China football at all.

Cui Yongyuan: We talked for a long time. Let's get down to business. What have uncles and aunts been up to recently? Aunt, you say.

Song Dandan: I cut the ribbon for a garden in our village the day before yesterday and unveiled the completion ceremony of an underground tunnel in our village yesterday. I will visit the grassroots tomorrow, have an exclusive interview with reporters next week, and go to Tieling TV Station for video recording at the end of the year.

Cui Yongyuan: Still going to the TV station for video recording?

Song Dandan: I don't want to go yet. Like CCTV, we should all consider it. The influence of local TV stations is too small to play any role.

Cui Yongyuan: What are you going to perform on TV?

Song Dandan: Super Imitation Show.

Cui Yongyuan: Who are you imitating?

Song Dandan: Trav, you should have this eye.

Song Dandan: Trav, you should have this vision. You should be able to tell when I do the action.

(chest out, S-shaped)

Cui Yongyuan: Ah, I can see that. It's Sister Furong, the internet sensation, right?

Zhao Benshan: Yes, she gave herself a stage name called Grandma Furong.

Cui Yongyuan: Grandma Furong, good name. Aunt's imitation is quite good.

Zhao Benshan: I like it? Give me two dice. I want to go to PK Song Zude. Nonsense. Who wouldn't?

Song Dandan: Next, I will play a role in A Dream of Red Mansions.

Cui Yongyuan: What's the effect?

Zhao Benshan: Playing Jia Mu, what else can you play?

Song Dandan: Who said I played Jia Mu?

Zhao Benshan: By the way, you are not fit to play Jia Mu. Look at your figure and temperament. It's perfect to play granny Liu.

Song Dandan: What's Granny Liu playing? Do you blame me for wanting to play Lin Daiyu?

Zhao Benshan: Playing Lin Daiyu? How old are you? Lin Daiyu was younger than you when she died.

Cui Yongyuan: Uncle can't say that. Actually, my aunt is very beautiful now.

Song Dandan: What's wrong with getting old? Let me ask you something. What's wrong with getting old? Liu Xiaoqing is young, she can come out and pretend to be a disgusting little girl, so why can't I play it?

Cui Yongyuan: Let's not talk about it. Aunt, you should pay attention to your health. Your health is the capital of the revolution.

Zhao Benshan: Xiao Cui is right. A man's body is the capital of revolution, and a woman's body is the capital of fame.

Cui Yongyuan: Uncle can really sum up. Uncle, what have you been up to recently?

Zhao Benshan: I'm studying several topics recently.

Cui Yongyuan: What are the topics?

Zhao Benshan: * * * Is whoring progress or retrogression? How to dig coal without burying people? Cross-strait reunification and the ownership of Diaoyu Island. North Korea's nuclear test. Saddam Hussein was executed at the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. . .

Cui Yongyuan: Wait a minute. Is this topic too big? Is there anything substantial?

Zhao Benshan: Yes, first consider the selection of national football coaches.

Song Dandan: Don't listen to him, Trav.

Cui Yongyuan: This question. . .

Zhao Benshan: Who blows?

Song Dandan: I don't know anything, but I pretend to know it here. Trav, let me tell you something. Last time I went to the photo studio with your uncle.

Zhao Benshan: Forget that. (head buried in leg)

Song Dandan: The photographer asked, Uncle, do you always want side light, back light or full light? Your uncle was embarrassed, and the shy photographer said, "I don't care." Can you leave a pair of underwear for your aunt? "

Cui Yongyuan: All this light?

Zhao Benshan: You are no better. Last time your aunt went to the hospital for a physical examination, she looked everywhere for the laboratory. She wandered upstairs and downstairs. A nurse pointed to a sign in front and said to her, "Non-undergraduates are not allowed to enter!" " Your aunt is anxious: "I will take a urine test and ask for an undergraduate diploma."

Song Dandan: Don't listen to his nonsense, Trav. He is jealous.

Cui Yongyuan: I think, uncle, although my aunt has many social activities, you should support her.

Zhao Benshan: What entertainment? Does your aunt think she is a star? Who is looking for her?

Cui Yongyuan: Aunt said that she cut the ribbon for a garden in the village the day before yesterday?

Zhao Benshan: What cut the ribbon for the garden? Just an apple orchard. What ribbon-cutting Cut the apple branches.

Cui Yongyuan: Yesterday, my aunt unveiled the completion ceremony of an underground tunnel in the village?

Zhao Benshan: They just dug a vegetable cellar.

Cui Yongyuan: I'm going to visit the grassroots tomorrow.

Zhao Benshan: A drugstore has opened. Let her dance yangko.

Cui Yongyuan: A reporter will interview Aunt next week.

Zhao Benshan: Well, this interview is true.

Cui Yongyuan: Yes.

Zhao Benshan: The book Confucius is unsalable, and not many people buy it. A reporter came to interview her feelings.

Song Dandan: Stop filming. What should you do when these people are finished? (getting up to go)

Zhao Benshan: That's not true.

Song Dandan: Are you telling the truth? Is it shameful to lose it?

Cui Yongyuan: Both parents should talk less.

Zhao Benshan: Wrong, OK? What about this video?

Song Dandan: Trav, this snoring is off. Oh, stop it.

Cui Yongyuan: I remember this snoring. Don't play it.

Zhao Benshan: No, you brought it up?

Song Dandan: Why are you uneducated? (Come back and sit down)

Cui Yongyuan: It's my fault, Aunt. Calm down. After so many years of ups and downs, I don't think it's worth it for such a trivial matter. In fact, I can hear that my aunt wants to be a celebrity and my uncle wants to be an ordinary person, but whether we are celebrities or ordinary people, we should have a harmonious and happy family. Let all of us sitting here wish my uncle and aunt happiness forever.

Zhao Benshan Song Dandan: Thank you. (Get up and sit down)

Cui Yongyuan: At the end of this program, as usual, we still ask each guest to sum up their inner feelings in one sentence. Auntie first?

Song Dandan: Just one sentence?

Cui Yongyuan: In a word.

Song Dandan: From the heart?

Cui Yongyuan: Yes, from the heart.

Song Dandan: I'm sure I can catch up with Liu Xiang.

Zhao Benshan: Forget it. Why should I end it?

Song Dandan: I was told to speak my mind.

Cui Yongyuan: If Aunt can catch up with Liu Xiang, she can also break the world record.

Zhao Benshan: Nothing serious! Let you say a word, you say what you should do, it's not a shame to lose it, don't say anything.

Cui Yongyuan: Uncle, either you say something.

Zhao Benshan: I have one more thing?

Cui Yongyuan: Ah, in a word, yes.

Zhao Benshan: That female directors likes me. Please contact me.

Song Dandan: Forget it.

Cui Yongyuan: Thanks to the audience in front of the TV, and end today's nonsense with a song.

Song Dandan, Zhao Benshan and Cui Yongyuan: In a few decades, we will meet again and send them to the crematorium. They will all burn to ashes, one for you and one for me. No one knows anyone, and they have to be sent to the countryside to make fertilizer. Ah, dear friends, who was burned to ashes first? Burn you first and then burn me? Burn Lee Teng-hui after burning A-bian.