Super funny text message

1, got off work at nine o'clock in the evening, fell asleep on the bus, and leaned his head on the shoulder of my aunt next to me. After a while, my aunt woke me up and said she wanted to get off. After my aunt left, a man behind me told me, dude, I guess you're going to be angry. My aunt took dozens of selfies with you while you were asleep. ...

Xiao Ming came to the bank and said to the staff: Help me withdraw money! Staff: Hello, there is 1800 in it. Seventy thousand. There is only 1800 in it. Yes, I want 70 thousand. There is only 1800 in it! Seventy thousand! Oh! ! You mean finish it, right? Xiao Ming: Yes, didn't I lose my common law?

3. Find a wife to get pocket money. The wife said: Is 200 enough? I gestured OK with my finger. Wife is furious: What? Do you still dare to ask for 300? Go away, not a dime. Then he left. I was stunned for a long time. What just happened? It all happened so fast that I couldn't understand it.

4. Fill in the blanks in the final exam and ask Li Qingzhao to be a _ _ _ school poet. I really didn't know that I was writing about a Wu Tang clan. When handing out the papers, the teacher said that there was a student's answer to ask the parents! I think I'm finished. As a result, my deskmate was invited by my parents because his answer was egg yolk pie.

5. Fat sister paper goes to the physical examination. After measuring the height and weight, the doctor writes down the weight 180kg and the height 152cm in the physical examination book. Fat sister paper is sad to see the numbers. Suddenly, she heard the doctor say, I'm sorry, there was a mistake. Fat sister paper seemed to see hope, and then saw the doctor drop two paintings of height and change them into diameters.

6. When I went out in the morning, I found a small note written by my wife under the car key, which read: Husband! Come on! I drew a heart beside it. At that time, my forehead was full of tears, so inspiring. Swear silently in my heart: Wife, I will try my best to improve my cooking and make you happy! 15 minutes later, the car ran out of gas. . .

7. When I first came to work in the company, I always heard my colleagues call Ding Dong, a woman in her forties, with a smile, which was very interesting. When I saw her today, I called Ding-dong, Ding-dong twice, and her voice was very cheerful. She paused for a moment, then left with a smile. My colleagues next to me were dumbfounded and told me: this is the chairman of the company, surnamed Ding.

8. In a chat one day, my wife asked, Hey, can you tell the difference between cows and cows? My husband thought, if the varieties are all the same, how can we call out patterns? Answer honestly: I can't tell, are you studying? The wife immediately turned on her voice: the cow's cry is from Cleisthenes ... ox, listen up, are you going to Beijing? Are you going to Shanghai? Are you going to Guangzhou? I have tickets here!

9. Eating in the canteen, eating and eating, a buddy left the bowl and walked out. I paused and immediately asked him: Where are you going? Before I finished eating, the two idiots turned around and sat on the stool and stared at me, saying, there is not enough storage space, and the remaining files need to be deleted. Will you go? Say that finish and ran away. It took me ten seconds to react. This guy is so meaningful! I suddenly lost my appetite.

10, one day Xiaoming caught a cold and didn't want to move. He is lying in bed. The second-rate wife came over and said, honey, just lie down and I'll feed you. Xiao Ming's heart suddenly warmed up, thinking that his wife still didn't hurt in vain. Five minutes later, Xiao Ming couldn't help asking, wife, can you feed me something?

1 1, take my son out to play, my son is too stubborn, and everyone next to him says he is a child without a tutor. I am very angry: why did you say he didn't have a tutor? Man: What did I say? You are his father, aren't you? I will even talk to you! When I saw something was wrong, I quickly replied: No, I was a tutor invited by this child's father.

12, white wine said: people who drink me are generous! The beer said: People who drink me are generous! Red wine says: the person who drinks me is romantic! Yellow rice wine said: everyone who drinks me is warm! The famous wine said: Everything I drink tastes good! The wine said: everyone who drinks me has money! Alcohol said: all quietly! No, you are all parallel imports.

13, my colleague is a lovely sister. Speaking of coming home from work last night, there were few pedestrians on the road, and the bag was robbed. My sister froze for three seconds in the cold wind and turned to run in the opposite direction! Asked why, she said: I have nothing in my bag, only a sanitary napkin and a pack of paper. I'm afraid the thief won't find anything. Come back and hit me!

14, went to a new barber shop, and the service attitude was super good. I didn't ask for a membership card or anything. I asked what kind of drinks I had. I asked what kind of drinks I had. He said there are iced watermelon juice, yogurt, tremella soup, eight-treasure porridge, apple juice, pineapple juice and so on. I said I want apple juice! Then the stylist said, I'm sorry, sir, but you need a membership card to drink apple juice!

15, came to the classroom when I was just in high school. This is the first time for new students to meet, so I want to be friendly. See a girl with short hair, very handsome, a bit like a man. Xiao Wang went over and put his arm around her shoulder to say hello. I didn't expect her to slap me and say, I'm a woman. I wonder if there is any difference between men and women! Xiao Wang retorted sharply: Lao Tzu is also a woman.