Humorous short messages, humorous and boastful witticisms

I live like this every day: playing ball with Jordan, boxing with Tai Sen, playing chess with Wei Ping, chatting with Clinton, bombing buildings with bin Laden and sending messages to pigs.

A woman blushes five times in her life: the first time; The first time with her husband; Not a husband for the first time; When collecting money for the first time; I paid for the first time.

The girl bought bananas, put them in her back pocket after getting on the bus, and reached out to catch them from time to time. After a while, a young man patted her on the shoulder: Little sister, please let go, I'm getting off.

Urgent reminder: look at the left first, then look at the right. Please be careful of a psycho who just slipped out. His characteristic is: looking around with a mobile phone.

A nun went to the hospital for a B-ultrasound, and the careless nurse gave her a pregnant woman's test sheet. After reading it, the nun sighed and said, "These days, even carrots are unreliable."

When the horse is coquettish, it jumps, when the donkey is coquettish, it barks, when the man is coquettish, it becomes warped, and when the woman is coquettish, the most coquettish one keeps smiling at the mobile phone.

Men are 20 semi-finished products, 30 finished products, 40 fine products, 50 best products, 60 top products, 70 waste products and 80 souvenirs.

Congratulations on winning the grand prize. Please come to China People's Bank tonight 10 with sabre, birdhouse and soil cannon.

Seeing this message, you already owe me a hug; Delete this message and owe me a kiss; Save this message and owe me an appointment; If you reply, you owe me everything; If you don't reply, you are mine.

Four ideals of men: money fell from the sky, and all the beautiful men in the world died. The beauty is out of her mind, crying for me to soak.

1 Please call 1 10 for free to win a 15-day value-added tour and arrange a shuttle bus. The top ten will be sent to the detention center for a group photo and 10,000 people will be massaged.

1 Warning: Your mobile phone has undergone drastic internal changes due to overload and is about to explode. After reading this tip, please leave it in the empty space immediately. ...

1 that day, you cut a pig with a knife, and the pig fled into a dead end, only to hear the pig kneel down and beg for mercy from you: "We were born from the same root, so why are you in such a hurry?"

1 jumping notes: happy to the seventh floor, panting to the sixth floor, struggling to the fifth floor, disabled to the fourth floor, hospitalized to the third floor, scared to the second floor, watching the excitement to the first floor.

1 Songkran Festival, suddenly someone cursed: Who threw me? People advise: it is a blessing to vote for you. Bitch: Come on, which idiot threw boiling water at me?

1 Love is in arrears, love has stopped, and fate is not in the service area; It's painful to think about it, and it's sad to think about it. When will I pay for it and turn it on again? Horizontal batch: dreams come true.

1- A brand-new overseas tour route for the seven-day tour of Afghanistan was grandly launched: living in caves, learning bomb making and escape skills, and the lucky ones had the opportunity to take photos with bin Laden as a souvenir.

1 Go shopping alone and pee in the corner. As soon as the old lady saw it, she said that she would be fined five yuan for urinating and urinating anywhere. Who said I peed? Can't I show it?

Honey, I miss you again. My love for you is increasing sharply every day, because someone told me that pork has gone up in price, so you can get a good price!

20. Listen! I want to chase you! I thought you were! I have been looking for you! I will seize this opportunity! I must catch up with you! Dead flies!

If you want to travel abroad, sincere friends will see you off. The cold wind cannot stop our friendship. I hold your hand and say, "Make a good reform and try to reduce your sentence!" " ! "

2 vital capacity self-test tips: bend your head and suck hard after farting, and then observe whether people around you smell strange smell. If so, you must strengthen your exercise according to this method; If not, then prove that you are superman!

I'll give you a gift with the heaviest amount of feces since there was feces. You will eat a catty and be full. Help yourself if you feel that the amount of feces is not enough!

In my eyes, you are always so carefree, always eating with relish and always sleeping soundly ... I really envy you, and sometimes I think it's good to be a pig.

2 What's the matter? I called your mobile phone just now, and after the bell rang, the phone prompted a voice saying: The other party is streaking, please redial later. I can't believe it! Dial again and say: Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is out of service area, please redial later.

You are the sun in my heart, but it is raining. You are the moon in my dream, but it is covered by clouds; You are the most beautiful flower in my heart, but it has already bloomed; You are Chang 'e in the sky, but your face landed first. ...

Not every flower can represent love, but roses can; Not every tree can withstand thirst, but poplar can; Not every pig can read text messages, but you did. Congratulations!

26 Meet 9 and say: Take two steps, take two steps. Why do you practice handstand? 0 meets 8 and says: If you are fat, you will be fat. Why should you wear a belt? 7 meet 2 and say: come on, don't kneel down again, I won't marry you; I haven't seen breast augmentation for several days!

Monkey finding notice: a hairy monkey has been lost. Features: dirty, covered with nose, holding a mobile phone, I can read text messages. I love monkeys. Write back to my master as soon as possible! Master misses you now!

30. I can't even think about what you think. I wear clothes without any styling. I can't have feelings for anyone. Wherever I go, I am not welcome. I can't keep up with Lenin in thinking. My heart is fine. I have stopped stealing. Pneumonia is not typical!

One day, Hu Ji interviewed the "dismemberment case" and asked the detective prosecutor: Is there any suspicion of "homicide" in this dismemberment case?

Not only are you late, but you also make up excuses. Do you know how the boss treats employees who lie? ""yes-send him to be a product salesman at once. "

Patient: Doctor, are you sure this is pneumonia? Sometimes, doctors are treating pneumonia, but patients die of other diseases. "Doctor" When I was treating pneumonia, the patient died of pneumonia. "

Beggar: I used to give one hundred, but now I only give fifty? Good man: I used to be single, but now I'm married, so I must save some money. Beggar: How can you support your wife with my money?

Taxi driver: Sir, the second section of Zhonghua Road has arrived. Oh, 200 yuan. Student: Ah! Excuse me, can you drive back a little? I only have 100 yuan on me!

3 "Does your body have special functions?" "no!" "Then why do you spit out so many rude words in your little voice?"

Husband: "When will you be a good cook like your mother?" Wife; "It's very simple, when you earn as much money as my father!"

In English class, the teacher talked about the differences between Chinese and western languages. A classmate asked, "Teacher, how do you say jiaozi in English?" The teacher looked democratic and called him "ignorant!" The British don't eat jiaozi! "

Having known you for so long, you should know exactly where you are in my mind. Except you, everyone else is just a pile of shit in my eyes, but you are different, because you are ... two piles!

Little girls always show off their new toys to little boys. The little boy had no choice but to take off his pants and say, you'll never have this! The girl also took off her pants and said, my mother said that as long as you have this, you can have as many things as you want!

The ant married the elephant, but the elephant died a few days later. The ant was very sad and cried and scolded: Dear, why did you walk in front of me? I don't have to do anything else in my life, so I'll bury you!

The little mosquito came home crying, and his mother asked what was wrong. Mozzie: Dad is dead! Mother Mosquito: He didn't take you to the show? Mosquito: Yes, but when the audience applauded, Dad didn't dodge. ...

A tourist was looking for the zipper of a sportswear in a shop in Tokyo. He gestured for a long time. Finally, the salesgirl understood, took out a sword for caesarean section and put it on the counter.

4 "Do you know where the guest house is?" "I know. What do you want with Mrs. Zhao? " "Sleep."

"I think the soup is too thin, boss." "Yes, I know. We hope our guests will like the exquisite design on the plate. "

One person goes out of town and the other sees him off. The person who sent me said, "bon voyage, disappear halfway."

The hotel guest shouted to the shopkeeper in a friendly way, "You have mixed water in the wine!" " "Why are you making such a fuss, man? I didn't ask you to pay the water bill either! "

A gynecologist's first day at work. After returning home, his wife asked: How did you behave today? Doctor: It's not too bad. Although neither the mother nor the baby was saved, the baby's father was finally saved.

4 male: "Women talk like eyebrows!" Woman: "You mean artistic?" Man: "No, it's getting dark."

50. Teacher: "Did you copy the examination paper today?" B: "No, Cui Hua sitting in the front won't let me copy. The headmaster is her aunt, and she happened to come today. She invigilated the exam herself, saying it was too dangerous.