Customer SMS joke

1: Once upon a time, a man fished and caught a squid.

Squid begged him: let me go, don't bake me to eat.

The man said, well, let me ask you some questions.

The squid said happily, take the exam!

Then this man roasted the squid. ..

2: I used to have schizophrenia, but now we have recovered.

An international student is taking a driver's license test in America, and the road sign ahead prompts him to turn left. He is not sure, ask the examiner:

"Turn left?"

A: "Yes"

So ... hang up. ..

4: One day, Mung Bean committed suicide, jumped down from the fifth floor, shed a lot of blood and became a red bean; Pushed all the time and turned into soybeans; The wound was scarred and finally turned into black beans.

Xiaoming cut his hair and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged and ran outside to cry. Cry, cry ~ he flew ...

6: There was a man who looked like an onion and cried when he walked.

7: The little penguin asked his grandmother one day, "Grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asks his father again, "Dad, Dad, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong? " "But, but why do I feel so cold?"

8: A pair of corn fell in love …

So they decided to get married …

Wedding day ...

One corn can't find another corn …

This corn asks the popcorn next to it: Have you seen our corn?

Popcorn: Honey, I'm wearing a wedding dress.

9: In the music class, the teacher played a Beethoven tune.

Xiaoming asked Xiaohua, "Do you know music?"

Xiaohua: "Yes"

Xiaoming: "Do you know what the teacher is playing?"

Xiaohua: "Piano."

10: Q: Two people fell into a trap. The dead are called dead, but what is the living?

A: Call for help!

1 1: Question: What are cloth and paper afraid of?

A: cloth is afraid of 10 thousand, paper is afraid of one thousand.

Reason: not (cloth) afraid of 10 thousand, just (paper) afraid of one thousand.

12: One day there was a mother-in-law in a car …

My mother-in-law doesn't know the way when she is sitting halfway. ...

Mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said, where is this?

Driver: This is my ass ... ..

13: An egg went to a teahouse to drink tea, and turned into a tea egg; An egg went swimming in Songhua River, and it turned into a preserved egg. An egg ran to Shandong and turned into a salted egg; An egg was homeless, and as a result, it became a wild egg; An egg accidentally fell on the road and fell to the ground, causing a missile; An egg ran into someone else's yard and became an atomic bomb; An egg ran to the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau and became a hydrogen bomb. An egg is sick and becomes a bad egg; An egg got married and became an asshole; An egg swam in the river and became a nuclear bomb. An egg ran into the flowers and became a Hua Dan; An egg is riding a horse with a knife. It turns out that he is a Beijing opera blues. An egg is ugly and ugly, and it turns into a dinosaur egg; An egg is a man, and his wife commits adultery with other eggs outside, and as a result, he becomes an illegitimate child; An egg ...

14: The host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle replied first: Yes! Compere: Give an example! The eagle said tearfully: That year, I fell asleep, the cat climbed the tree … and then there was the owl …

15: Two dung beetles are discussing the welfare lottery. A said: If I win the grand prize, I will buy all the toilets within 50 miles of Fiona Fang and eat full every day! B said: you are too vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day!

Why do chickens cross the street?

Get the other side of the answer

What is that man doing?

He's shaking.

Why is he shaking?

He's cold.

A: Oh, shivering doesn't lead to cold drawing.

A: ...

A banana gentleman is dating his girlfriend and walking down the street. It was very hot, so Mr banana took off his clothes, and then his girlfriend fell down. ...

19: A sausage is kept in the refrigerator.

I felt very cold, and then I looked at the other one next to me, and I felt a little comforted. I said, "Look at you, frozen like this, covered with ice!" " "As a result, the root of the tree said," Sorry, I'm a popsicle. "

Once upon a time, a marshmallow went to play ball for a long time. He said, I'm so tired, I think I'm all soft. ...

2 1: This diver's movements are very difficult. He turns three times, then somersaults three and a half times, and then somersaults for a month.

22-year-old: mm got lost while looking for a university. Meet a gentle professor.

Excuse me, how can I get to the university?

Professor: Only by studying hard can you go to college.

The director and the section chief share the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, You farted! The section chief said: I didn't let it go ... Soon the section chief was dismissed, and the director said at the meeting: You can't afford to fart. What's your use?

Miss: Business is bad now!

Boss: Why?

Miss: "Bird flu ..."

A woman trembled when she met a robber. She said, "I am from XX school. I just graduated and haven't found a job yet. I really have no money ... "

The robber cried bitterly after hearing this. "Elder sister, I also come from XX school. You bring your student ID card. You can rest assured that Allah will never rob one of his own! "

26. I want to talk to my girlfriend ML. My girlfriend says I can't do it without taking a shower. She promised that if it was cold, it would be "part". After washing, my girlfriend said shyly, "honey, you are lazy, where can you wash?" . 。” I even fainted after listening to it. I just brushed my teeth.

27: A blind beggar is begging in the street wearing sunglasses.

A drunk came up and felt sorry for him, so he threw him one hundred yuan.

After walking for a while, the drunk turned around and happened to see the blind man looking at the sun to distinguish the authenticity of a hundred-dollar bill.

The drunk came over to get the money back and said, "You fucking don't want to live, how dare you lie to me!" " "

The blind beggar said with a look of injustice, "Brother, I'm really sorry. I am here for a friend. He was blind and went to the toilet. In fact, I am dumb. "

"Oh, I see." So the drunk dropped the money and staggered away again. ...

28: bird flu-it's all caused by "paradise shit"! ! !

There are two kinds of people who are very likely to get bird flu-1. "animals"; 2. People who are "worse than animals".

Hey, how did you learn to smoke?

When I steal the forbidden fruit from Adam and Eve, I will ~

C: Do you know why Adam and Eve stole the forbidden fruit?

AB: I don't know!

Because Adam has no cigarettes! (hint: homophonic words)

30: Someone has just been abandoned by his girlfriend and happened to meet his ex-girlfriend flirting with his new lover in the street. The more he watched it, the angrier he became, trying to humiliate them. So I said hello politely and said contemptuously to my girlfriend's new love, "You don't dislike my used second-hand goods!" Just as he was proud of his creativity, his ex-girlfriend smiled and said, "One inch outside is old, and everything inside is brand new!" "

3 1: She gave me a kiss when we parted, which felt as real as People's Daily. ...

32: I just saw something similar to a news scroll bar on the top of the teacher elder sister's computer screen, and the words on it passed quickly.

I am curious to ask: Is this the lyrics?

Senior: Yes!

Senior: How did it pass so quickly? I didn't even see it clearly!

Senior: From Jay Chou! !

Wife: I'm really blind. I'll marry you when I step in shit.

Husband: Before I married you, I was really blind and stepped on shit.

Shit: I'm so unlucky! Lying there, you both stepped on it. ......

34. College entrance examination chemistry questions: A and B can be transformed into each other, B can generate C in boiling water, C can be oxidized into D in the air, and D smells like rotten eggs. What are a, b, c and d?

I replied: A is a chicken, B is a raw egg, C is a cooked egg, and D is of course a rotten egg!

35: Which is the worst, rubber, tiger skin or lion skin?

A: Eraser.

Because of the eraser

Q: What is that thing with three heads and one foot?

Answer: 3 monsters with one head and one foot! ! ! ! ! !

37: The ants went to the desert. Why didn't he leave footprints on the beach, but only one line?

Answer: Because it rides a bike!

The ants went home from the desert. He didn't inform anyone, but his family knew he was back! Why ah!

Answer: I saw his bike parked downstairs.

38: One day, a female drug addict was caught in the police station. The police saw a tattoo on her hand and asked her why she had her boyfriend's name tattooed on her hand. Is his name Liang Xiao ... Ah ... isn't it? Come on, say ... Is he taking drugs? Let's go

I saw the female drug addict raise her head and her eyes were full of anger.

Say to the police

This is hatred. ...

40: One day, Xiaomei and her boyfriend went out for a ride.

The car was running out of gas, and there happened to be a gas station next to it. Driving by, a sudden gust of wind blew her boyfriend's hat away.

Xiaomei's boyfriend said to her:

"I'll get my hat, you help me to refuel. 」

Not far from her boyfriend, she heard Xiaomei shouting behind him:

"come on Come on! 」

4 1: An orangutan walked through the Woods and accidentally collected the feces of a gibbon.

Good orangutans cleaned up apes.

After a while, they fell in love and people asked how you came together.

The orangutan replied, "It's ape dung (fate)!"

There is a fat man. ..........

Jump off a tall building ...

the result is .......

Fat bastard ..

There is a duck named Xiao Huang. One day, when he was crossing the street, he was hit by a car. He shouted, "Gung!" " Since then, it has become a cucumber. ...

There is a penguin whose home is far from the polar bear's home. It will take 20 years to get there if you walk. One day, the penguin was bored at home. He was going to play with the polar bear, so he went out, but on the way, he found that he forgot to lock the door. It's been 10 years, but the door still has to be locked, so the penguin went home and locked it. After locking the door, the penguin set out again to look for the polar bear, which means it took him 40 years to reach the polar bear's home ... Then the penguin knocked on the door and said, "Polar bear, polar bear, penguin wants to play with you!" " "Guess what the polar bear said after opening the door? "Let's go to your house to play ~"

45: The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" Boss: "Oh, sorry, not that much." "I see. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay. The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" Boss: "Sorry, I still don't have it." "I see. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay again. On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" The boss said happily, "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today!"! ! "The little white rabbit took out the money:" Great, I'll buy two! "" "

Xiao Ming said, "Kang, let me ask you something." A shark ate a mung bean. What did it become? Kang said, "I don't know. What is the answer? Xiao Ming said, "Hey! Hey! The answer is "green bean paste (mung bean shark)", you idiot! 」

47: The teacher asked a classmate how to reduce white pollution. Make the lunch box blue.

48: One person has a bad stomach. One day, he went to the Stomach Hospital and said to the doctor, "I pull whatever I eat, eat watermelon, eat cucumber and pull cucumber!" " "The doctor thought about it and said to him," I think you must eat shit! "

49: On the plane, a stewardess asked a little girl, "The plane flew so high, why didn't it hit the stars?" The little girl replied, "I know, because the stars will shine!" " "

50: There is a polar bear playing with a penguin. Penguins pluck their hair one by one. After pulling it out, he said to the polar bear, "It's so cold!" When the polar bear heard this, he tore off his hair one by one and turned to the penguin and said, "It's really cold!" "

5 1: What do African cannibals eat?

A: people!

Q: Then one day, the chief fell ill and the doctor told him to be a vegetarian. What did he eat?

A: People who eat vegetables!

There are two sausages in the refrigerator. After a long time,

I shook my sausage. Wow! It's cold ~

Another sausage said in surprise, huh? You are a sausage. How can you talk?

53: One day,

There is a male deer running faster and faster.

Run to the finish line,

It turned into a high-speed stag.

54: One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountain to pick fruit.

She announced: "children, after picking the fruit, we will wash it together, and then we can eat it together."

All the children went to pick fruit.

As soon as the assembly time comes, all the children are assembled.

Teacher: "Xiaohua, what have you got?"

Xiaohua: "I am washing apples because I picked them."

Teacher: "What about you, Xiaomei?"

Xiaomei: "I'm washing tomatoes because I picked tomatoes."

Teacher: "The children are great! What about Amin? "

A-Ming: "I'm washing cloth shoes because I stepped on shit."

The teacher asked Xiao Amin a question in class, but Xiao Ming stood up without saying a word.

Teacher: Xiaoming?

Teacher: Xiaoming

Teacher: Xiaoming! What's the matter with you? Do you know the answer? At least let me know!

Xiaoming: Chi ~

56: An elephant asked the camel, "Why do your breasts grow on your back?"

The camel said,' Stay away from death, I don't talk to things with dicks on their faces!

57: How to make drinks bigger?

Read the great compassion mantra

58: Xiaoming: What's the temperature today?

Xiaohua: It's 3 degrees below zero!

Xiaoming: No wonder it's so cold.

59: A little boy came home from school, peeped out of the window at a woman lying in bed rubbing her chest and shouted, "I want a man, I want a man!"! “

The next day, the little boy went out of the window and found a man lying on the woman.

So the little boy went home and lay in bed, rubbing his chest and shouting: I want a bike, I want a bike!

Once upon a time, there was a bird.

He passes through the cornfield every day,

But unfortunately,

One day a fire broke out in the cornfield.

All the corn has turned into popcorn! ! !

After the birds fly by, ......

I thought it was snowing, so I froze. ...

6 1: It is said that there is a polar bear. Because the snow is too dazzling, he has to wear sunglasses to see.

But he couldn't find sunglasses, so he crawled around on the ground with his eyes closed, crawling and crawling, and his hands and feet were dirty to find sunglasses. I put on my sunglasses and looked in the mirror, only to find out: Oh, I am a panda.

62: The science teacher asked: Why is the body cold after death?

No one answered.

The teacher asked again: Does nobody know?

At this time, a classmate stood up and said, that's because you are calm and naturally cool.

Xiaoming lost a leg in a car accident.

Xiaoming lost another leg in a car accident.

Xiaoming lost his other leg in another car accident.

Xiaoming lost another leg in a car accident.

In fact, Xiao Ming is a dog.

64: One day, A, B and C went out to play together and strolled on the road for a long time.

Later, A said, I am so bored that I really want to play B.

Then C took a look at A and dragged B into the alley to fight.

65: Three rabbits poop.

The first one is only very long.

The second one is just spherical.

The third one is actually a triangle.

Asked, it replied: I pinched it with my hand.

66: When did Taiwan Province Province want to be unified?

When buying instant noodles

67: One day, Xiao Qiang asked his father, "Dad, am I a stupid child?"

Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?"

When Xiaoming came home, the dog next door suddenly ran out and bit him. He picked up the bamboo and tried to hit it.

When the owner of the dog saw Xiao Ming beating his dog, he said unhappily, it depends on the owner to beat the dog. Haven't you heard of it?

At this moment, Xiao Ming said: Good! I will beat your dog while watching you.

Xiaohua, did you use my pencil?

Xiaohua: No, I'm useless.

Bug: Are you really useless?

Xiaohua: I'm so useless!

Bug: Alas, you are the17th person to admit that you are useless.

70: How did the ants fall from the Himalayas die?

Answer: I am starving. Because it is too light, it will take a long time to float down …

80: Why are puppies getting smaller and smaller?

A: Because it goes further and further.

8 1: Once upon a time there was a horse! It ran into the sea.

So, it became a "hippocampus"!

Another friend of this horse fell into the river in search of the horse that fell into the sea. Later, he became a hippo.

The third horse is a white one. In order to find two missing friends, it came to a city with chaotic traffic.

It was run over by several cars in a row, leaving several black stripes on its body.

As a result, it became a zebra!

One day, the fourth horse went to a factory to find the companions of the first three horses and was transformed into an "iron horse".

But later, those horses could not escape the fate of being eaten. They were all made into "Shaqima", and all the horses survived and became a world without horses. ...

Then, after seeing this joke, a group of people couldn't help saying, "The horse is really cold." .

Finally, in order to commemorate this joke, someone edited it into a class, which we call "Marseille class"!

82: Xiaoming owed 200,000 yuan to the underground bank, and Xiaoming begged him to pay it back for a few more days.

The person in the bank said: Be sure to return it tomorrow, otherwise ... chop off two fingers;

The day after tomorrow ... chop 4; the third day ...

Xiaoming: Do I need to return it?

Banker: No, you will become Tinker Bell.

One day, a man met God.

God suddenly kindly gave the man a wish.

God asked: Do you have any wishes?

The man thought for a moment and said, I heard that cats have nine lives, so please give me nine lives!

God said: Your wish has come true!

One day, the man was idle and bored.

If you want to say death, forget it. There are nine lives anyway.

Lying on the tracks,

As a result, a train passed by,

That man is still dead.

Why is this?

Because that train has 10 cars.

84: A guy went to the hospital for a check-up and did a lot of tests.

The doctor said: There is good news and bad news! After reading your test results, I found that you have a potential homosexual tendency! ! And it's hard to cure!

This guy says, Oh, my God! What's the good news?

The doctor said shyly, I find you very cute.

85: A hunter went hunting with his hounds and wandered around the forest all day without any prey.

It was dark, but he continued to ride in the Woods.

The horse suddenly said,' You won't even let me rest. You want to kill me! ? '

The hunter was shocked and immediately got off his horse and ran away with the hounds. When he ran to a big tree to catch his breath, the dog patted his chest and said to him, "You scared me to death. Horses can talk!" "

So the hunter was scared to death on the spot.

Wolf, tiger and lion, who will be eliminated when playing games? wolf

Because: Momotaro (exterminating wolves)

87: One day A took a look in a mirror. Everyone here is familiar with it.

B said; Is it? Let me see (holding a mirror), me! You don't even know me?

88: Tomatoes A and B go shopping.

B asks A: Where are we going?

A doesn't answer.

B asked again: where are we going?

A still doesn't answer.

B asked again.

Tomato A turns to Tomato B and says, Aren't we tomatoes? Why are we talking?

Once upon a time, there was a white cat and a black cat.

one day

The white cat fell into the water.

The black cat saved it.

The white cat said a word to the black cat

Q: What is this sentence?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..

"meow"

90: A: "Do you know what I did in the Internet cafe last night?"

B: "What are you doing?"

Answer: "surfing the Internet;"

B: OK. . . "

9 1: Two flies go to eat.

Brother asked brother: Brother, why do we eat shit every day?

The older one said, don't say such disgusting things while eating! !

92: On the grass boat

Lu Su: "Is it really possible to borrow arrows like this? Mr. Kong Ming? "

Zhuge Liang: "Trust me."

Lu Su: "But I'm still a little worried ..."

Zhuge Liang: "There is no need."

Lu Su: "But don't you think it's getting hotter and hotter in the boat?"

Zhuge Liang: "It's a little inconvenient to say that ... Is there anything wrong?"

Lu Su: "Yes, I'm afraid the enemy is launching rockets ..."

Zhuge Liang: "Hey! ? Amethyst, can you swim? I can't. "

93: Before eating peanuts, monkeys should put peanuts in their buttocks before taking them out.

The administrator explained, someone once fed it peaches.

As a result, the peach stone could not be pulled out, and the monkey was frightened. Now, it is necessary to measure it before eating.

94: The hospital set up 100 channels to prevent patients from escaping, but two mental patients still wanted to escape from the hospital. Work hard at night

Over the wall. Under the 30th wall,

"Are you tired?" ,

"Not tired." So the two continued to walk away.

Under the 60th wall,

"Are you tired?"

"Not tired." So the two of them continued to turn outward.

Under the 99th wall,

"Are you tired?"

"Tired"

"Well, let's go home."

Xiao Ming: Dabao, Daxiong, Dazhi and Dawei stripped off their clothes and played with water by the stream.

Suddenly someone electrocuted the fish by the stream, and all four boys were electrocuted! Guess an electrical appliance.

Kang: hmm ... I don't know ~

Xiao Ming: The answer is "TV" (electric four chickens)! Hey hey!

Luo Xiao: Dad, why do we have humps?

Father Camel: Because there is no water in the desert, only the hump can store water!

Luo Xiao: Dad, why do we have long hair?

Father Camel: Because there is a big sandstorm in the desert, we must rely on it to stop the sandstorm before we can see it!

Luo Xiao: Dad, why do we have thick hooves?

Father Camel: Because the desert is full of sand, we can stand firm!

Luo Xiao: Dad, one last question, what are we doing in the zoo?

97: The hen is hatching eggs, and an egg comes out of its ass.

Hen: "What are you doing?"

Egg: "Your fart stinks ..."

There is a man whose name is Du Ziteng.

Asked the teacher when he called the roll.

"Where is Du Ziteng?"

The classmate said, "He has a stomachache."

99: My girlfriend asked me to go to her house to see a movie. When we arrived at her house,

She wrote the word "movie" on the wall with a pen.

The two of us sat on the toilet and watched.

100: One morning, an officer with a reputation for being strict asked the soldiers in the morning, "Are you cold?"

Xiao Bing replied: "Not cold!"

The officer was annoyed: "Then why are you shaking?"

Xiao Bing replied, "It's frozen!"