Please give me some funny jokes

Please ask for some funny jokes

The story of the parrot It is said that a lady bought a female parrot on a whim. Unexpectedly, when I brought it home, the first thing it said was: "Do you want to go to bed with me?" When the lady heard this, she thought to herself: That's bad, outsiders think this is what I taught you. This doesn't make me a lady. The image was completely ruined. So she tried her best to get the parrot to say something elegant, but the female parrot was determined and could only say one sentence: "Do you want to go to bed with me?"... What should she do? When the lady lost her mind, she heard that the priest also kept a parrot (male), and not only did the parrot not speak foul language, but he was a devout Christian and spent most of his time praying every day. So the woman went to the priest for help. After the priest understood her purpose, he said with a slightly troubled expression: "This is difficult to do. In fact, I didn't teach it anything deliberately. The reason why it is so pious may be that it has been taught here for a long time. It's because of Tao." Seeing that the lady was disappointed, the priest said, "Well, you bring the parrot to me, and I will put them together. I hope that after a while, your parrot can be reformed. I can only do this. Whether it has any effect depends on God's will..." When the lady heard this, she could only do this. Isn't there a saying: Those who are close to the vermilion will be red? Give it a try. So she took the parrot to the priest. The priest kept the two parrots together as promised. The female parrot was a little reserved at first. Seeing the male parrot praying silently in a corner of the cage, she really couldn't bear to disturb him. But she still couldn't control herself, and finally said loudly: "Do you want to go to bed with me?" When the male parrot heard this, he stopped praying, turned around and looked at the female parrot, and suddenly burst into tears: "Thank God, I prayed My wish for so many years has finally come true..." Classic joke: Husband’s confession (I smiled at you) Dear Wife: In accordance with your wishes, I reflected in the study for one hour, forty-three minutes and seven seconds, and drank. I drank a glass of boiled water, went to the bathroom once, and did not smoke. The above facts are accurate, please review. Attached is my review report. Any inappropriate points can be negotiated. After three months of marriage, I think my wife is gentle, virtuous, diligent and intelligent, and is a rare good wife. However, as a husband, I behave perversely, have a frivolous attitude, and my actions are indeed questionable. The following is my analysis of my bad behavior, please review it: 1. What happened yesterday was my fault. Although the braised eggplant you made is a bit salty, it is delicious and flawless. I shouldn't accuse you of wasting salt. I am seeking perfection and blaming so much because I am hiding my jealousy. But you can add some water. 2. When you said you liked Lu Yi, I shouldn't have said blindly that I liked Gigi Leung, which made you unable to talk to me for two days, which was extremely painful. Thinking about it carefully, my answer is indeed inappropriate, because your love interest is still limited to the mainland, but I rushed to Hong Kong and Taiwan. I still like Zhou Xun. 3. If you like watching Xiao Zhengge in Korean dramas, I shouldn’t obstruct it in every possible way, and I shouldn’t protest if you compare me with him, because Xiao Zhengge didn’t even protest. 4. At the wedding on Saturday, I said I had a meeting and I didn’t know if I could go. You prepared two red envelopes, one for 100 yuan and one for 200 yuan. But I didn’t go and you accidentally gave away the big one. My dear, I shouldn't laugh at you. You've done a great job. If it were me, I might have given them both away together. 5. The last time you bought croaker, I shouldn't have sworn it and pretended to be a chef. As a result, you cheered when helping the cook, salivated when you smelled it, and became dejected when you ate it. This is unbearable for your fragile psychology. 6. You cut your hair short and asked me if it looked good. I said it looked good and you were very happy. When you asked for further confirmation, I said it was okay. When you asked me whether it was good or not, I answered that it was not as good as before, which made you very sad. This is my fault. All future replies will be based on the first time. 7. You have met many outstanding friends on the Internet, and letters and photos are flying all of a sudden. I shouldn’t use newspaper reports to hit you. But the photo of you in the white skirt is really not good-looking, the photo of you in the turtleneck is better, with me as a bodyguard next to you, it looks grand. 8. When you visited your nephew, you came back to discuss with me who should wash the diapers. I really shouldn’t shirk responsibility and make you angry. But dear, this task is too far away. Let's discuss who is responsible for giving birth. Who gave birth to them in their family? 9. When you accuse me of putting socks everywhere, I shouldn't accuse you of putting books everywhere. After all, socks smell, but books smell good.

10. When you invited Cher to McDonald's, I shouldn't have kicked her secretly under the table to make you furious, but she trampled on so many of my leather shoes, why didn't you care? 11. When you say that I am not as beautiful as you, I should not stubbornly deny it. You are right, and the evidence is conclusive, and a blind man can testify. 12. When I came back from taking out the garbage downstairs, you circled around me several times and asked me how many cigarettes I had smoked. When I said one, you got very angry. Honey, I had no idea your nose was so sensitive, I actually sniffed two of them. You have always been a considerate girl. I hope you can forgive me and give me a chance to change my ways. For the sake of family stability and economic prosperity, here are a few small suggestions: 1. Don’t point at the handsome guy on TV and say he looks like your former boyfriend. The first time you got close to a man was at the dance of your sophomore year. I stamped on other people's feet in a panic. Unfortunately, that person was me. 2. When visiting the store, don’t always have sudden whims, such as buying a grinder to make garlic paste. Don’t you think my machine is more economical? 3. When eating, you always think that I eat less, and when taking pictures, you always think that I am fat. My dear, this really makes me embarrassed. 4. Don’t ask me some tricky and weird questions, saying they are brain teasers, which will make my logic confused. 5. Don’t tell me jokes when I’m watching a gun movie, and you can’t do it without laughing. Regarding all of the above, my wife, please be aware of this. Friendly reminder: There was a spider in the bedroom yesterday. If you need escort, please contact the sofa No. 1 in the leisure area on the west side of the living room and we will serve you wholeheartedly.

Recently, a new female colleague has arrived. She is very arrogant, makes a stinky face every day, and looks like she doesn’t want to pay attention to anyone. When she was about to get off work today, her boss said to her: "Take some time to clean up. Don't come to work tomorrow." I smiled coldly, and after a while I deliberately asked her: "You won't be allowed to go to work tomorrow. What's going on?" She: "I have a business trip the day after tomorrow. My uncle asked me to take a rest and prepare tomorrow. What's wrong?" Me: "No, it's nothing. Have a good trip."

99% of people died smiling on the spot after reading it

< p> 1: A boyfriend and girlfriend slept in the same room. The woman drew a line and said: "Those who have crossed the line are beasts." When she woke up and found that the man had really not crossed the line, the woman slapped him hard: "You are worse than a beast."

The next day when a man and a woman slept in the same room, the woman drew a warning line as before. The man learned from the previous lesson and planned to cross the line late at night, but failed due to nervousness. . After dawn, the woman slapped the man and said, "I didn't expect you to be worse than an animal."

2: In the hospital, a family was blessed with a baby boy. The baby spoke right after he was born, and the baby said: "Grandpa." Grandpa died with a cry. The child said again: "Grandma." Grandma died with a cry. The child said again: "Dad." His father said "ah" and saw that he was not dead. At this time, the child's old uncle said "ah" and died.

3: The kangaroo and the frog went to have sex with the chicken. The kangaroo finished the job three times and two times, and only listened to the frog next door saying "Hey!" all night long! One, two, three Hey! The kangaroo was so envious. The next day, the kangaroo said: "Wow!~~Brother Frog, you are so awesome!"

The frog said, "Damn it, I didn't jump into bed all night!" ~~”

4: I saw a person in the supermarket that day who read the post but didn’t reply. He quietly put his hand on the barcode scanner and saw the screen display: Pig’s trotters for 8 yuan. He thought the machine was broken. , and put his face close, and the screen showed: Pork head meat for 5 yuan

5: An elephant asked the camel: "Why does your dick grow on the back?" The camel said: "Die?" Stay away, I don’t talk to things with penises on my face!

6: A female kindergarten teacher accidentally exposed a hair when she led her students to swim. A student asked: Teacher, what is that? ?The female teacher pulled it out cruelly and said: Thread!

7: The little girl always showed off her new toys to the little boy. The little boy had no choice but to take off his pants and said: You will never wear this. No! The girl also took off her pants and said: My mother said that as long as you have this, you can have as many of those things as you want!

8: A row of *** was waiting for customers on the street, an 80-year-old man. The woman saw it and asked curiously: What are you waiting for? *** said angrily: Waiting for the lollipop! The old woman also joined the queue to wait for the candy, but was caught by the police. The police asked the old woman: You have no teeth. Can you do it? The old woman smiled and said: I can lick it!

9: The driver sent the leader to attend the art party. When the leader entered the venue, the driver was stopped by the security guard. The driver said: The leader and I are in the same system. Yes, the security guard said: Chickens and eggs are also in the same system. If the chicken goes in, can the egg go in?

10: One day, a certain man’s wife gave birth to a baby, and he hurried to the hospital to visit him. After waiting for n hours, there was crying in the delivery room, and he shouted happily, I am a father! At this time, the doctor came out with a sad face and told him that the baby was born with a congenital malformation. Understand the reason, suddenly his wife shouted from the delivery room: It's all God's fault, I always read the post and don't reply. It's retribution. 99% of people will die smiling on the spot after reading it... If you didn't fall. Dina, you are 1%

1. Someone went to the laboratory department, and the nurse pointed to a sign in front of him and said: Non-undergraduate students are not allowed to enter. The person was furious and cursed: I Just do a urine test, and you still need a fucking bachelor's degree

2. The first person's poop is S-shaped, and the other two praise it for U-shaped poop.

The third person's three-dimensional equilateral triangle! The other two people asked me with admiration, "I did it after I pulled it!" "

3. One person was working in the office in the afternoon. There was a colleague in front of him who ate too much for lunch and farted wildly. The sound was very loud. The person couldn't help it and cursed: "*** I can't hold it in, fuck." ." Finally there was a moment of tranquility. When the man was feeling refreshed, he suddenly saw the man in front of him shaking wildly and asked: "What's wrong with you?" The man replied: "I'm afraid of disturbing you, so I adjusted it to Shocked..."

4.·One day, you ask God: "Do I smile like the Mona Lisa?" "God said: "No, you are like her sister. You ask: "Then who is her sister?" ” God said, “It is Zhentamasha.

"(What a fool)

5. The old couple went to take pictures, and the photographer asked: "Uncle, do you want side light, backlight, or full light? ", the uncle said shyly: "I don't care, can you leave a pair of underwear for your aunt? "

I have also collected a lot. I don’t know if you like this style. I will give you a few first. Please accept them~~ Please give me some funny jokes

Hilarious Slips of the tongue: book214./XiuXIanAiHao/cwaixiaohuanze/baoxiaokouwu/ Chinese Laughter Encyclopedia: book214./XiuXIanAiHao/xiaolindaquan Non-children’s jokes: book214./XiuXIanAiHao/cwaixiaohuanze/chengcxiaohua Ancient jokes: book214./XiuXIanAiHao/cwaixiaoh uanze/gudaixiaohua campus jokes:book214. / Xiu Humorous essays: book214./XiuXIanAiHao/cwaixiaohuanze/youmoduanwen Collection of jokes: iq888./ VV joke site: sunvv./ Exam jokes: .yninfo./NewUserImages/070622/200774174251876.jpg: image1.daqi./pic_search/original/24773/0b587a723079d661208d1f586678.jpg: pic3. chinaren./uploadfile/ 200711/91/ZxkrcQDv.jpg :54e./attachments/2007/07/27/7190_200707271800483.jpg Still Love Jokes Network: 40412.

I hope to adopt some very funny jokes. /p>

1. While my classmate was taking a shower, I changed his girlfriend’s number to mine. I sent him a text message “Honey, I’m pregnant” while I was lying in bed at night. I saw the guy suddenly turned over. On the bed, Badabada smoked a pack of cigarettes and asked the dormitory to borrow money...

2. The son came home tremblingly: "Dad, I only got 60 points in the exam today." The father was very angry: " Next time you get a low grade, don’t call me dad! "The next day my son came back: "I'm sorry, brother!"

3. A boy said to his girlfriend: "I want to break up. I feel tired and have no feelings anymore. "The girlfriend said something to him that made him speechless. "Hundreds of millions of Chinese people have long been tired of the national football team. I haven’t felt it for a long time. Why hasn’t the national football team been disbanded? 1.3 billion people have failed to disband a team of 11 people. Now you are alone and want to disband a team of two people? Please give me some funny jokes

A girl went to buy eggs with her cat in her arms. When she went to the stall, she put the cat down to pick the eggs. The male stall owner praised the cat: Your *** is so big! The woman was angry and silent, and the stall owner Nan said again: Your *** is so white!

The girl was furious: If you keep talking nonsense, I will crush your balls! Asking for some funny jokes

Baidu Joke Bar, some funny jokes

1. The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a landmine during combat? The company commander was very angry: Damn, what can we do? If you step on it, you will be compensated according to the price.

2. Money can buy a house but not a home; it can buy marriage but not love; it can buy a clock but not time; money is not everything, but the source of pain. Give me the money and let me bear the pain alone!

3. A four-year-old boy kissed a three-year-old girl. The girl said to the boy: You must be responsible for kissing me. The boy patted the girl's shoulder maturely and said with a smile: Don't worry, we are not children of one or two years old!

4. In the supermarket, you curiously put your hand under the barcode scanner, and the screen showed: Pig's trotters, 8 yuan. You thought the machine was broken, so you put your face close to it, and the screen showed: Pork head meat, 5 yuan!

6. The wolf is coming, and the pig's nest is in chaos. The mother pig arranges, "Big pig, hurry up and block the door! Second pig, block the windows!" When she saw the little pig, the mother pig got angry and shouted, "Third pig, don't read the text message." La! You have a lot of meat, go out and lure the wolf away”

7. "Don't get drunk again." "What's wrong with me?" "You're still talking about it! Yesterday, someone saw you chasing a pig with a wine glass and shouting, 'Is it a brother? It was a brother who did it'!"

8. Diary of an official: get up in the morning and boxing; have a meeting in the morning and take a nap; eat at noon and burp; go to work in the afternoon and burp; work overtime in the evening and play cards; have fun in the evening and play cannon; go home in the middle of the night and fight.

9. The lazy cat pursued a mouse crazily and finally got married. After the marriage, the cat protected the mouse in every possible way. The mouse quickly became fat. The mouse was very moved: My dear, why are you so nice to me? The cat chuckled and said: You will know when you get a little fatter.

10. Are you working again? I have told you more than once not to work so hard and to take care of your health. But you always say meaningfully: "If I don't roll a few more dung balls while the weather is warm, what will I eat in winter!"

11. It’s time for you to know something! The sky is used to blow wind and rain; the earth is used to grow flowers and grass; I am used to prove the greatness of mankind; and you: "It is used to stew vermicelli.!"

12. Standing under the tall building, I felt sad in my heart, and my face was wet, with a salty taste. Was it rain or tears? Look up at the sky...who is peeing upstairs!

13. If you feel your heart is broken, please call me! To talk about love, please press 1, to talk about work, please press 2, to talk about life, please press 3, to introduce something to me, please press 5, to ask me to eat, please say so, and to borrow money from me, please hang up.

14. Ever heard of it? Five hundred times of looking back in the past life are only exchanged for one brush with each other in this life. For close friends like you and me, it seems that we didn’t do anything in our previous life except to look back!

15. It’s really tiring. You keep changing positions, from the front position to the back position. You also ask me not to sleep until I cum. After you cum, you are so intoxicated that I collapse. When you’re done, you want me to talk about my experience. Oh, it’s so tiring to play football!

16. The fish said: "I keep my eyes open all the time because I don't want to leave you." The water said: "I flow tirelessly all day long just to surround you and pick you up." The pot said: "It's so damn fast. So stubborn even after being matured."

17. Portrait of your life: learn to take a bath by yourself at the age of ten - Zhu Ziqing; shine at the age of twenty - Zhu Shimao; find a job at thirty - Zhu establishes a career; hire a servant at forty - Zhu Demaid; five Learned to play basketball at the age of ten - pig shooting!

18. Late at night, Bush saw Bin Laden standing in front of his bed, his hair disheveled. Bush was shocked and said: You are so bold, you dare to break into the White House at night! Bin Laden shook his chest-length beard, smiled sinisterly, and said: Rejoice, you are so confident!

19. Answer the phone - the voice gets quieter and the other person is the leader; the voice gets louder and the other person is the subordinate; when you hear it, you get irritated and the other person dials the wrong number; if you keep laughing, it's a female classmate; you hum for a long time, your wife is lecturing you; you whisper to avoid people, the other person is your lover !

20. I went to the top of Mount Tai with my friends to watch the sunrise. One friend pointed at the sky and said, "I saw it!" "I saw it too!" At this time, someone from a distance came out with his pants lifted and cursed: "You saw it when you saw it! What are you shouting about?" Ah! "21. Originally I was just an unknown knight in the world, but since I met you, I suddenly became famous in the world. People affectionately call me: "Zhizhuxia". It's very funny. A joke

A new interpretation of the word "会"

Son: "Dad, how do you write the simplified Chinese character '会'?" "

Father: "There is a cloud character under the character human.

"

Son: "Why? ”

Father: “When in a meeting, you just say what others say. This is called ‘following what others say’. "

Only eat a ton

The young man decided to hold a wedding in his hometown in the countryside. The man's father sent a telegram to his in-laws in the city

Asking: "Can you come? How many people? Be prepared. ”

The in-laws called back and said: “Not many people are going, so we only need to prepare a ton of rice.” "He wrote "ton" instead of "ton".

Soon he received another telegram from the countryside: "The wedding date has been postponed for one month because it is difficult to get a ton of rice at the moment.

Qi. ”

The True Story of Oppi-Dan

Director Jia excitedly said to him: “Today the union invoice will be used to watch the movie “The True Story of Oppi-Dan”. "

A young man smiled: "Director Jia, you read it wrong. That is "The True Story of Ah Q". ""What? I

read it wrong! ? I've been playing cards for decades, why don't I know the preserved man? Go away? "

The old man lost his teeth

The couple took their grandfather to the hospital for medical treatment. The husband saw that the "ling" for age on the registration form was misprinted as "ling"

", he said to the doctor: "The word 'ling' is missing the word 'teeth'. "

"It's a 'teeth', the doctor said, because we are a geriatric clinic! ”