Oral: Being humiliated at the age of seven makes me hate men.

Interviewer: Mr. Zhou, female, 2 1 year old, company employee.

When I was 7 years old, I was raped and my young mind was hit hard. After being sensible, I am often awakened by nightmares in the middle of the night.

I hate men, I hate men who hurt my body and mind, and I hate all the philandering and sanctimonious men in the world. I wanted revenge, but I finally gave up. I don't want another innocent woman to get hurt.

I long for love, but I dare not expect love. I want to let go of the past, but I can't get out of my nightmare.

Raped as a child.

At the edge of the cliff, I suddenly stepped on the air and fell into a bottomless pit. This is a dark place, I can't see my fingers. I felt as if I had found a door and thought I could finally escape, but after trying to push it open, I found it was darker behind the door than here. ...

Countless times, I woke up from my dream and never closed my eyes again, fearing that I would fall into that dream again. However, when I am awake, my mind is still not calm, and my thoughts forcibly pull me back to memories that are more terrible than dreams.

Time goes back to 14 years ago, when I was only 7 years old, in the first grade of primary school, and I was still a naive little girl who loved singing, dancing and playing. Brother Zhang from the same village and I are family. He is very good at playing the piano. Although he is ten years older than me, he often hangs out with seven or eight-year-old children in our village, like a king of children.

It's a summer evening, and the sunset is still trying to give off its last glory. As usual, after I came home from school and finished my homework, I ran and played in the village with several children my age. When I ran to Zhang Ge's door, he suddenly stopped me and asked me to come in with him. I didn't say anything at that time. As a neighbor and relative, I didn't think the worst at all, so I followed him in defenseless.

I don't remember what Zhang Ge rambled about with me after entering the room, except that he suddenly hugged me and kissed me madly. His appearance startled me, and I cried and asked him, "Brother, what are you doing?" Maybe my screaming woke him up. He let me go and told me not to tell anyone about it. At that time, I was young and didn't know anything. I thought it was normal for my brother to hug my sister, so I didn't say anything to my family afterwards.

My ignorance and weakness made Zhang Ge think he had a chance. One night after three months, he found an excuse to call me into his house again. He raped me this time. I didn't know anything at that time, and I didn't know what such behavior meant. I just feel burning pain in my lower body. It was many years before I knew what he had done to me. He took my virginity, and I didn't feel anything. There is only one word "pain". I'm still afraid to tell my family out of fear, but I'm more and more afraid of Zhang Ge. After that, as long as there was no one around, he hugged me and kissed me, and I tried to avoid him.

Later, Zhang Ge got married. I thought the nightmare days were over, but he tried to violence me again soon after he got married. That time, he took advantage of no one at home and dragged me into his house. I didn't realize what he was going to do at that time, but I still remember the pain last time, so I didn't give him another chance. After biting him hard, I quickly ran out of his house.

Later, Zhang Ge and his new wife found jobs in the city, settled down and rarely came back, so I never saw him again, but the damage he did to my young mind has not healed yet.

Finally give up revenge

With the increase of age and knowledge, I gradually understand the essence of what Zhang Ge did to me, that is, I have been lively and cheerful since the day I learned the truth. No more greeting neighbors, no more communicating with teachers and classmates. I'm afraid of getting in touch with outsiders too much. People will know what the devil has done to me. I am afraid that others will despise me and laugh at me.

Then I left my hometown and came to Zhengzhou. I thought that if I left the injured place, I could gradually forget the pain, but I didn't. I still had nightmares every day and woke up with a quilt and cried. I hate brother Zhang, and I hate him for hurting me like that. I often ask myself, does he have a conscience to do that? The answer is no.

In the summer of 2009, I came across Zhang Ge on my way back to my hometown. He recognized me and stopped me. I didn't recognize him at that time, and then he said his name, so I remembered it. He is fatter than before and his face is red. He must have had a good life these years. Judging from the tone of his voice, I know that he has no remorse for what happened to me. As if nothing had happened, he talked to me like an ordinary friend and asked me where I worked, what I was doing, whether I was tired or not, and whether I had made any friends. ...

I felt that I couldn't extricate myself from the nightmare every night, and I was burdened with that terrible past life every day, but he was so happy. At that moment, I had the idea of revenge. When he left, he asked for my contact information. I gave it to him and wrote down his mobile phone number.

Since then, every night after being awakened by a nightmare, I will call him once or twice, ring two or three times and then hang up, and then go to sleep. I will send him a message or two from time to time and say something ambiguous. I expect this information to detonate smoothly in his home like a targeted bomb. If God doesn't punish him, I will punish him myself.

Finally, 1 month later, Zhang Ge's wife found the ambiguous message I sent him. At first, his wife texted me in Zhang Ge's tone and asked me how his wife would react if Zhang Ge and I were caught in bed. I said, I must be surprised and angry. The other party then asked me, "What about you?" I said, "I must be surprised and angry." Later, the other party said that they wanted to divorce and marry me, and said, "You succeeded, are you happy?" The tone is getting wrong. I realized it might not be him and asked, "Who are you?" The other party admitted that it was his wife.

Later, I spoke to Zhang Ge's wife on the phone. This is the result I have been hoping for, but after talking to his wife on the phone, I was not as comfortable and happy as I thought. On the other end of the phone, his wife sobbed and told me that they had been married for more than 10 years and had two children, the youngest of whom was only 5 years old. At that moment, I felt very uncomfortable and hung up the phone without saying anything.

I stayed up all night that day and thought a lot. I may be really wrong. He is my revenge, but I shouldn't hurt innocent people and his wife and children. Later, I called his wife again. I apologized to his wife and told her that nothing happened between Zhang Ge and me. I just regard him as my brother.

A few days later, I made an appointment with brother Zhang. I mentioned the harm he did to me. I asked him if he felt uneasy over the years and if he repented for what he had done. At that time, he had no expression at all and stood there without saying a word. I slapped him in the face and turned away.

Hatred fills the mind.

Although I gave up the idea of revenge this time, my hatred for men has always filled my heart.

17 years old, came to Zhengzhou and did a lot of work. After many twists and turns, I finally settled down. But after four years here, I don't have any friends and I don't want to make friends. I wrapped myself up and couldn't get out of that nightmare.

I used to shut myself in my room after work, watching TV and reading novels alone. I'm afraid to face the outside world alone. I often feel that I am walking slowly in the street alone, or in the crowd, but I feel lonely, without home and love.

Last year, I learned to surf the Internet, and I began to have fun online. Besides going to work, when I get home, I surf the Internet, play games without chatting, watch movies without playing games, and do these things every day. I don't know what I should do except surf the Internet.

After contacting the internet, I saw more playboys and respectable men. People I know are either married or have a girlfriend, but they still show off on the Internet. At first, I complained to me online about my bad relationship with my wife or lover and how bad the other person was. After talking, they asked me to meet, eat and sing. When we first met, all the men pretended to be serious, then their words became more and more explicit and ambiguous, and then their actions became more and more presumptuous, and even they made some excessive demands.

I met a man on the Internet last September, who is 1 1 year older than me. We talked for half a year. When I was unhappy, he enlightened me online. Later, we met. He took care of me like a gentleman. I thought he was different from those playboys, but once I was sad and told him about my childhood. I cried very sadly that day. He pulled me into the car and said he would take me out to play, but who knows he tried to have sex with me in the car. I slapped him in the face, and that day I finally escaped for physiological reasons.

After that, the idea of revenge against men rekindled in my heart. I've thought about many plans to get back at those bad guys. When they fall in love with me, when they divorce their wives, when they betray each other, I will leave them and tell them the truth-I am just fooling them. But in the end, I did not implement these plans. I'm so useless, I'm always soft-hearted at critical moments. I don't want to hurt innocent people. Their wives and children are not at fault and should not be hurt.

Dare not expect love.

Although I hate men, to be honest, deep down I also long for the nourishment of love, but I dare not expect it. Is it contradictory, but that's what I did. I dare not love or be loved.

I once fantasized about what my Prince Charming was like, not necessarily handsome, but sincere, not necessarily rich, but good-tempered, not smoking or drinking. As a result, I really met such a person this year.

He is my brother's classmate. At the beginning of this year, we met by chance on the road. After that, we called, texted and chatted online every day. He often says something that makes me happy. He said that I was particularly cute when I smiled, and that he liked me.

I have a crush on him, too. He looks honest. He doesn't smoke or drink. But I don't think I deserve him. To express "like" also needs "qualification". I don't have this qualification. Because of that unknown past, I lost my first time early. Although he is five years older than me, he has never had a girlfriend. How would he react if he knew about my past?

I am really ambivalent in my heart. I feel inferior. I want to love but dare not. When I think of what happened when I was a child, I am afraid that I will be hurt again, so I refuse him again and again. I told him that I had a bad temper, and I told him all my shortcomings, but he still liked me and pursued me persistently.

What should I do? I still have nightmares every day and wake up from them. Who can tell me when I can let go of the past and get out of my nightmare?

Comments:

Many people are afraid to walk at night, but they are not afraid of the road, but the night. In the dark night, you can't see around and in front of you, so you can't make a judgment. I don't know if there is a trap or a wide road ahead, and your heart will involuntarily lift it.

Life is also a road, some people feel bright and flat, some people feel gloomy and bumpy, and some people think that they are in the middle of the night and will never see the light. 10 years has been mired in that nightmare, and I can't get out of my heart.

People dare to walk at night because they discovered fire and invented lights; The reason why people can get out of their inner shadows is because of the inner light of themselves or others. In fact, there is no shortage of smart people around us, and we are not short of smart qualities ourselves.

Light up the night, just a little light is enough! I wish you an early out of the dark and a new life.