Quotations from Sao nian's cold humor

Guide: Go to your girlfriend's house for dinner. I said to my girlfriend, if one day I was dumped by a man, would you take care of me for dinner like this? As a result, this guy turned to me and said, you said it as if you wanted it yourself, but I was speechless. . .

1, "In fact, I always rely on my face to eat." "What? Even your face is called face. . . ""Ni Mei, really! " "Then tell me how you eat by your face." "I sell masks in a circle of friends."

2. A buddy goes to a restaurant for dinner. He asked the boss: Is your hotel hygienic and environmentally friendly? The owner said: Don't worry, it's absolutely environmentally friendly. Even our cooking oil is recycled!

3. I asked the insurance broker, "Why do some serious injuries in this insurance contract compensate for minor injuries?" The insurance broker explained, "You won't lose money because of minor injuries."

It is said that it is a good idea to fall to the ground with the old lady when touching porcelain. You can forget it. Now the old lady is blaming me for sleeping with him. I must take full responsibility. . . . . . I hate you guys who are blind to ideas! ! !

One day I asked my friend, "Does this stock go up or down from left to right?" My friend doesn't even want to say "fall"! I said, "What is it? Think again! " The friend went on to say, "Fall!" I said, "What did you say!" The friend said, "Fall!" I said, "Ha-ha, you've grown so big, and you're always coquetry, saying, What's wrong with calling dad?"

6. Woman: "Let's break up." Man: "It's okay to break up. Let me hold your hand for the last time! " "The girl agreed, and the boy smiled:" If you can break up with me, I will agree to break up. " With great effort, the girl broke away from the boy, and the boy immediately turned and left. . . The girl suddenly understood something and cursed, "Martin, you gave me my ring back!" " "

7. "When you confess to a girl, how can you tell whether she is shy or really refuses?" "It's very simple, just look at your face." "What if her face hasn't changed?" "Then look at your own face."

8. "Where did you meet your ex-boyfriend?" "Weibo." "Does he have a high income?" "meager." "Why did you break up?" "Weibo."

9. The woman knows that the man likes her very much for a long time. One day, the woman asked: You like me for so long, why don't you chase me? M: I don't think that's possible. Woman: How do you know it's impossible if you don't chase it? The man thinks there is a chance and pursues her every day. . . After a while, the man confessed to her, but he was rejected. He asked her angrily why. She said coldly: I just tell you what is impossible with practical actions. . .

10, the Tangshan earthquake told us: we should not go to bed too early at night. Wenchuan earthquake tells us that we can't take a nap at noon. The Ya 'an earthquake tells us: You can't sleep late in the morning. Three earthquakes tell us together: sleep, get up, hey!

1 1, height, everyone is more than one meter, there is nothing to ask; Weight is such a thing, everyone is less than 200 pounds, there is nothing to ask for; There is nothing to ask about such a thing as salary.

12, this broadcast gymnastics is too fake. Girls have been doing chest enlargement exercises for more than ten years and it has no effect at all ~

13. When the elder brothers get married, the host asks the elder brothers to express their parents' thanks. My buddy opened his mouth and said, thank your mother-in-law for giving me such a good daughter! The audience is a mess. . .

14, one day I went shopping with my girlfriend, who was harassed and molested by a group of hooligans. I can't take it anymore. I went up to help my girlfriend and solved half the hooligans on the spot, half molesting my girlfriend and half molesting me. . .

15. Last night, my daughter took her boyfriend home for dinner for the first time. I got him drunk as soon as I was happy. I didn't expect this boy to drink badly. He was drunk and secretly told me to take me to the lady. I'm still very angry. How can my daughter have a crush on such a man who doesn't keep his word!

16. A man slept with a girl who had a boyfriend. The girl asked him why he didn't marry her. A man replied: I went too far and stole other people's food. Why should I take someone else's pot?

17, I went to the public toilet and found a girl in it. . . I stayed for a few seconds and then hurried out. Think again, it's not right! I didn't say I was sorry, so I went in again. . .

18, shopping with girlfriends. Girlfriend: "Why do you think it is so hot in April?" Me: "Nothing, it's not too hot." Girlfriend: "Go and buy me a cold drink." Me: "Good." Girlfriend: "Buy another pack of tissues." Me: "Well, not bad" Girlfriend: "Buy a fan by the way." I suddenly got angry: "Can't you take off your down jacket?"

19. Today, I went shopping with a goddess who has been secretly in love for a long time. When you see an idiot friend, go up and say hello. He saw us and asked me, is this your girlfriend? I slapped you when I went up: Who the fuck let you spoil it!

After his mother knew about her boyfriend, my aunt locked her boyfriend at home and refused to see me. I begged outside the door, and menstruation said behind the door, Go home, I am an only child. Me: Aunt, if you let us be together, you will have two sons. . .

2 1, a woman with a knife said to her boyfriend in tears, "You let me do that. We have been together since college, and it has been two years now. Can you be worthy of me? " Oh, honey, stop it. Just cut an onion. Is it necessary? I'll cut it. "

22. Me: "Dear, do you like me to be a lady? Still Sao? " Boyfriend: "I just hope you can be as obscure as my ex-girlfriend." Me: "Are you still an ex-girlfriend? I don't know! " Boyfriend: "Inflate, throw it away after use, she never complains."

23. I accompany my buddies on blind dates. He sneezed as soon as I sat down. Just when I said hello rudely, I saw my colleague silently look up and say, "I'm sorry, I'm allergic to beautiful women and I can't help it." I admire it. Too fucking witty.

It's been 24 or 6 years. I finally went into her house yesterday and took 2000 yuan. It occurred to me that I was kicked out a few years ago before I proposed. I just want to say: it's good to be a thief! !

TV news said that due to excessive modernization, modern people are on average three times lazier than they were twenty years ago. This news is really ridiculous. If I hadn't reached for the remote control, I would have changed the channel

26. W: Honey, do you think my breasts are big? Man: mmm! Like two mines! Woman: Bah! Karen's house is not that big! Man: mmm! Buried in the soil!

27. On blind date, I asked, "What do you do?" Man: "I am an indoor lighting control device." I thought it was high-tech, for fear that people would think I didn't know anything and didn't have the courage to ask, but I was flattered. I learned later, damn it, it's a curtain seller. . .

29. A buddy loves to show off his wealth. One day, he invited him to dinner and said, "I don't want anything now. I have a house, a car and a deposit." I don't even know how to get her to bring things. " At this time, a sister next to her said lightly, "You can ask her to bring you a child!" "

30. I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant today. Me: What's the matter? You didn't take medicine last time. Girlfriend: Yes, I ate two. Me: Then why are you pregnant? What are you eating? Girlfriend: antibiotics. Me: Shit! ! !

Editor's note: "Husband, your classmates will have a party at night! I can't find a dress in my closet. Do you know what you should do next? " "Know, wife! I will arrange a weight loss plan for you right away. Don't go to the party at night. I will pack some vegetables for you then. . . "Wife. . .

Inspirational talk on encouraging Sao nian's efforts

If you don't study, all kinds of self-confidence will explode. At first, you feel like a weak slag to learn, which is a process of constantly looking for abuse! ! ! This abuse will not become a pleasure until you master an examination skill skillfully. Work hard, Sao nian.

Inspirational talk on encouraging Sao nian's efforts

First, if you work hard, the whole world will make way for you. ~ Fight, Sao Nian.

Second, it's fake, but it makes you don't know what to say. Now that it's over, let it go. There is no need to struggle. Tell yourself what p 1 is now, and try to finish it, and the rest will be easy. Come on, Sao nian.

Third, when I am sleepy enough to sleep quietly, I feel very at ease. I am trying to change my job. I drove for a second today, so angry.

Fourth, what hurts you the most is always the closest relationship with you. Please don't take my tolerance as your wayward capital. I have a temper, too. I get angry. The more I think about it, the colder it gets, and the more I feel that I really have little left. I should make my own efforts for these things! Come on, Sao nian.

5. The new January has begun. As long as you work hard enough and stick to it, you will become what you want sooner or later. Say "Come on" to yourself.

Sixth, I feel lonely at home. Back in Quzhou, I felt a little lost. Now I try not to let this emotion change me. This is very difficult. Come on, Sao nian, there will be that person to help you!

Seven, the survival of the fittest When you are strong, you don't need to make a living. That's how elimination efforts come about. One day, you will eliminate others.

Eight, the more experience, the faster growth, any kind of experience in this society needs to pay a price, and you will never forget it. I hope I can stand the incomparable test at an early age. This is capital. Even if I have nothing, I can go all the way. This is the embodiment of my ability and self-confidence. Your confidence comes from your constant study and exploration. Work hard in Sao year, and don't forget that your initiative will surely achieve your ultimate goal.

Nine, I don't remember losing weight very slowly in 20 days. It's really difficult to lose weight at the same time. The vest line is big, keep working hard.

Ten or seven years ago, I worked hard for my dream in a classroom. Seven years later, I worked hard for my dream together. Come on, Sao nian.

Eleven, redouble your efforts, it seems effortless! Give it a try, Sao nian!

Whenever I want to put everything at hand and work at a fast pace, there is always a voice in my heart: SAO Nian, work hard to make money, go out to play after this period of time, and treat yourself! Then continue. .

Thirteen, you are rich, some people are jealous, you are beautiful, some people are jealous, you are successful, some people are jealous, but they are not jealous of Bill Gates who is much richer than you, Zhang Ziyi who is much more beautiful than you and Obama who is much more successful than you. Work hard. The sky here is blue, the air is fresh, and everything I care about is there. In order to stay here for a long time in the future, work hard in Sao year.

Fourteen, leaving is always lonely! See you at the end of the year.

15. Anyone who has no money can humiliate you and blame you. You should go out and take your own products with you. I hope to become a supplier in Shandong this year, not to mention losing 500 thousand. Annual salary100000 is not a problem. Work hard. Without money, the people closest to you and those who love you will stay away from you.

What I yearn for is not what you want, but what is worth paying. Run, Sao nian.

Seventeen, I didn't know how wonderful college life was until I went to work for a month. Work hard, Sao nian, what's the big deal!

18. When you find that you can't afford what you want to give each other, you instantly regret that you didn't work hard enough. Come on, Sao nian, it's not too late.

Nineteen, only you are strong enough to be qualified to preach to others. There are still many needs. Work hard.

Twenty, life is not to work hard for others, but to live up to the loneliness of Sao years, to work hard for yourself, and not to give up. If you can't even insist on yourself, it's not terrible to talk about how to get the corresponding results in the future. The terrible thing is, when you are in your sixties, ask yourself what you thought at the beginning. It is useless to accomplish nothing, not to feel empty at this time, but even more so in the future. . I hope I can keep pushing myself, and I must try my best to do the planning goals I want.

Twenty-one, if you don't work hard, you will regret it sooner or later. Now you have some regrets. Why do you have such poor self-control, don't work hard, and always keep a sense of crisis?

Twenty-two, people's energy is conserved in this life. Energy not paid in youth, energy owed in old age. Work hard, Sao nian.

Twenty-three, life is so hard, how can you have so much thoughts to be sad? Work hard, Sao Nian.

I must leave my present pit and strive to enter a new era.

Think about it. Think about it. I really am nothing. Without parents, I have nothing. What a failure! Come on, Sao nian ~

Twenty-six, for those who live and work in the first-tier cities in the north, Guangzhou and Shenzhen, the monthly salary of 1000 is indeed begging, and the people at the bottom of society are just enough for the most basic life. Indeed, work hard!

Twenty-seven, a correct choice is better than a hundred times of hard work, the platform is right, your ability can be discovered, and the era of innovation and creation has chosen comfort, Sao Year, let's act!

28. I'm too melodramatic. Self-reliance is not what you want? Isn't it the only way for you to grow up? Don't set yourself up as a poor man, work hard.

Twenty-nine, another good start, I hope there will be a good result. Work hard, work hard, Sao nian.

I always believe that the harder you work, the luckier you are. Come on! Sao nian!

Thirty-one, two million holidays in Bie Ye, surrounded by mountains and waters, are bubbling with beauty. Work hard, Sao nian! [

Thirty-two, buy a drip and get a puppy. This is what I want to do this year. Other than that, there is no other idea. Sao nian still needs to work hard.

Thirty-three, after planning July, it's time to go to August of fate. A month or two of change is just the beginning. Work hard. What's the trouble of this world to you?

34. The society is sinister and the people are sinister. But I'm still trying to move on. Life is not easy, I hope our efforts will not be in vain. Go up, Sao nian.

It doesn't matter if you can make money and grow prickly heat. Keep trying! Good night in Sao nian

Thirty-six, reading changes life. Over the past year, as a practitioner, I have felt the gratifying changes brought by reading, and it has also slowly affected the closest people around me. Keep trying! Sao nian! !

37. If you don't work hard, how can you make the person you love live better in the future? Come on, Sao nian

Thirty-eight, I'm still naive, not that I did well tonight. I'm over forty years old, and I still pretend to be a high school student, so disgusting that no one else knows! Work hard! Sao nian, keep pretending to be B.

Thirty-nine, I have experienced three outlets in less than a month. Perhaps the only constant in this world is change itself. Work hard.

Forty, the best preservation in the world is to make continuous progress and make yourself a better and more lovely person. Keep working hard, Sao nian.

Forty-one, people will grow up, and they must understand something, even if they don't want to accept it, but they must work hard. I have entered the review stage of the college entrance examination. I hope I can work hard and stop thinking about what I have. There will always be something better waiting for you. Hang in there, work hard, SAO Nian!

Forty-two, throw away the muddled life and meet the challenging opportunities. For the family, for the future spouse, live a quality life, have a bigger house and drive a better car.

Forty-three, I have never relied on you, and I have become super powerful. Now that I have become a master cook, I don't need to ask for advice on the function of my mobile phone. Keep working hard, Sao nian.

Forty-four, happy birthday, Seventh Master. Congratulations on being one year older. Know how to cherish time in the future! I have no desire. I just want to buy a car as a gift for myself. If I don't work hard, I will become middle-aged. Fight!

Forty-five, being trusted is a kind of happiness, and efforts have also been motivated! Thank you for your constant support. Come on, Sao nian.

Forty-six, work hard only for the future without regret. Now you are not working hard enough. There are always times in life when you don't work hard for the result, and there is nothing you can do. Let's go

47. Only those who have really worked hard with their own hands can make their own decisions, and those given by others can never make their own decisions. So, Sao nian, work hard! Get what you want by yourself!

48. Does she miss me? Do I have a place in this strange city? Fight hard, Sao nian.

Forty-nine, there are gatherings and scattered, time is like an hourglass, and people and things change rapidly. Don't choose a city, work hard and find yourself, and we will all find the direction and life we yearn for. Work hard, Sao nian! Live as you want.

Fifty, the car, the house and the brain should all be your own. Work hard.

Try to find a direction, learn something, and you will naturally have what you want. Keep fighting, Sao Nian!

Domineering tone phrase: coquettish is coquettish, cheap is creative.

1. Love is like a gust of wind, which blows away and leaves. No one can help at this speed.

If you are not happy for me, will you let go?

I once loved you and even thought about the future.

I love you forever, because you are the only one I am looking for.

5. Have you ever felt that it's like throwing you from boiling water into ice cubes?

6. [If you have experienced real isolation, you will understand that tears are the most useless thing]

7. As long as you are not reconciled, it is not the time to give up.

8. Forgive me for not liking the habit of speaking in front of strangers.

9, we use the most beautiful youth, firm self-righteous love.

10, the promise you gave me turned out to be a lie.

1 1, you cried, tears are your own; You are in pain, and no one can feel it. You must be strong, even if you have been hurt and shed tears, you can grit your teeth and go on. Because: life is your life alone.

12, sing a good song at her funeral.

13, there are many people who love you, and I am just one of them.

14, you suddenly became very quiet, and I couldn't find you.

15, put it down, there is nothing credible in this world.

16, you can give up your life for love but refuse to live for your elderly parents.

17, without you. There will be one less scum in this world.

18, I always think that waiting is a beautiful state, because it contains countless possibilities.

An awkward party, Sao Nian is so witty.

Guide: Neighbors raise golden hair, and Jingba. Golden hair obeys no chain. The Beijing-Pakistan riot must have been led by a rope. Today, the neighbor walked the dog in the community. In the blink of an eye, the rope of Beijing bus was loosened, only to see that Beijing bus ran out at an instant speed, and Jin Mao changed his gentle nature and followed. She was dumbfounded at that time, the two dogs were gone, and she wanted to cry in the community. After five minutes, I saw Jin Mao pulling the rope of the Beijing bus slowly back ... back. ...

1. I went to the park with a female friend the day before yesterday. She said, "What a waste of your study time?" I said, "Nothing, just walk the dog!" This female friend has a black line on her face. I quickly changed my mouth: "Wang Wang! ! ! "。 Damn, I'm so smart!

A snail was buried in the mud by the pond. The snail said to the mud, "You can't see my tears because I am in the mud." The mud said to the snail, "I can feel your tears because you are in my heart." The two sides suddenly froze, and the snail asked stupefied, "Are you ... Rooney?" Mud also said absently, "... are you a C snail?"

I have a second-hand friend, and I found a mobile phone. There is a note on the phone case, "If I drop my phone one day, please return it. Thank you very much. My number is139 * * *. As a result, my friend was on the phone for two days in a row. He told me that this person might have an IQ problem. I seem to understand something after listening!

There is a handsome and talented couple. They gave birth to a child who is almost two years old, but they always feel that the child is not like a husband and wife. The couple became more and more uneasy, wondering if they were mistaken when giving birth in the hospital, so the family of three went to DNA paternity. Appraisal result: the husband is related to the child, but the wife is not.

I ate chicken covered rice in the canteen and found that there was a lot of meat today. Look at a piece of chicken ass carefully and put it on the table. At this moment, a wonderful roommate came up and said, Oh, I'm enjoying chrysanthemums.

6. Watching the Water Margin with some bad friends and playing "Yang Zhi Selling Knives". One of the goods looked at it and said to himself, "What will I sell in those days?" Everyone fell silent. After a short silence, a deep and powerful voice said, "make a cake!" " "

7. Yesterday, I couldn't turn my cash around. I borrowed money from an intimate friend. I just said a word. He looked at me affectionately: as long as you want it, as long as I have it. What moved me was just about to say money, and he added: as long as it's not money! Md, it's a good thing the tears haven't come down yet.

8. It's very hot recently. I brought a watermelon home with my husband in the evening. When I went downstairs, I said, "Honey, watermelon is too heavy to walk." I wanted my husband to carry it for me, but I didn't expect these two goods to say, "Daughter-in-law, why don't we sit here and eat before we go."

9. A buddy called me when he was drunk: "Come, come, pick me up!" Me: "Tell me where you are and I'll come right away!" " Dude: "Let me see." ... oh ... I'm under the street lamp. Me: OK, I'll come right after drinking this cup! ""When I went out, I found there were so many street lamps in the city!

10, coming home from school, a pair of twin sisters excitedly told their father, "Dad, today our class is going to choose the most handsome father, and you are elected." Dad was very happy and asked him how he was elected. The twin sisters said, "The students all voted for their father. We have two votes, so you are elected! " "

1 1. Girlfriend: "If I go out in a bikini, how will everyone react?" Boyfriend: "That person will think that I am with you because of your money."

12, boys in the class especially like to have dinner with girls, and once told the truth after dinner. How nice it is that you girls can share money together without eating much! Damn it, you deserve to be single for life!

13, I went to my mother-in-law's garden to order food this morning. I saw an eggplant growing so big that I thought I could pick it. If you can't pull it out, pull up the whole eggplant by the roots. Looking at the eggplant tree in her hand, her mother-in-law planted six eggplants at a glance. I am really speechless. I simply buried the eggplant roots in the soil and said silently: You'd better be strong and survive!

14. It just happened. At the graduation party, "Eating Food" was displayed on the big screen. The woman gestured at the man's guess, and the woman looked at the screen and immediately pointed at herself. The man shyly answered "Goddess" and shouted at the scene instantly. Other programs are not important.

15, just started working in the field and shared a single room with another girl from the same company. One day at noon, while eating in the house, she ran over and said, "The girl next door has small breasts." I didn't care and asked, "Why?" She replied, "I think her bra is so small." I almost choked on the rice, touched my own, and secretly thought that I would never hang my underwear on the clothesline again!

16. In the hospital, I watched a patient's film for a long time, shook my head and sighed, "Alas, it's hopeless. Go home and prepare for the funeral. " The patient burst into tears when he heard this. He took my hand and cried, "Ah! No way! No way! I just have a stomachache, how come! " "It's no use, give up the treatment." I looked helpless, my voice just fell, and the doctor next to me shouted at me: "Get out!" "

17, today is really embarrassing! Call the 422 ring road at work every day. I didn't sleep well because I was too tired last night. I fell asleep as soon as I got on the bus. Why was the bus where I got on when I woke up?

18, the husband accompanied his pregnant wife to the hospital for B-ultrasound. After the result came out, the husband took the list and the doctor said, "This is not yours." The wife next to her turned green and asked the doctor trembling, "Can you see all this?" The husband gave his wife a slap in the face, and the wife buried her face and said, "husband, I know I was wrong." Then the doctor picked up another list and handed it to her husband: "Look, this is yours!" " "

19, I once went to the school cafeteria to charge the phone bill, but I couldn't charge it for half a day. The boss was very sorry, returned the money and sent some snacks. When I came out, I found that people were mobile. I am the number of Unicom, and I returned the snacks to others with a red face. The boss also smiled and said, "Nothing, nothing, take the snack away, it will expire soon."

20. My best friend asked me to do him a favor. He wanted to refuse a girl's pursuit, let me pretend to be her boyfriend, and then said she was gay, so she gave up. As a result, the woman didn't believe us, and she wouldn't stop until we kissed in front of her. As a result, in order to round this lie, I kissed my buddy ... That night, I received two messages from that buddy: the first one, "Thank you for your idea, I finally kissed him. The second is "wrong. "

2 1. I spent 300 yuan to find a lady yesterday and asked her to take my dirty clothes home and wash them. Unexpectedly, the young lady was unhappy and said angrily, although I am a chicken, I also have my dignity! I'm not here to make you treat me like a servant! What do you take me for? I said quietly, laundry chicken. She was speechless.

22. Just in the car, my friend told me, "There seems to be more counterfeit banknotes of 100 yuan recently. Please pay attention. " I quickly took out my wallet and opened it! The largest denomination is only 20, and there is only one left. Suddenly I feel that I am worrying too much!

23. A friend has been married for a year. One day we went for a drink and came home a little late. His daughter-in-law called to urge him to go home quickly. As a result, he decisively turned off his mobile phone. After returning home, his daughter-in-law made things difficult and the two of them fought. My friend couldn't beat it, so he went to the kitchen and got a kitchen knife. The four of us stopped all kinds of tugboats, but none of them stopped him. He went up to his wife, knelt down, raised his hands and said, "Wife, kill me ..."

24. I remember the only time I went to an Internet cafe aboveboard when I was studying. My dad grabbed me and said, "Go and help your mother get a high score on QQ. I didn't fall asleep until midnight because I lost 50 points last night. "

25. My name is Xiao Mo. When shopping online, I don't know which seller filled out the courier and wrote his name. Today, the courier called, and I answered and said hello. He said hello, is it a little black dog ... Come here, seller, I promise I won't kill you. ...

26. It is said that the more money in the left eye, the worse the right eye. I got up this morning and my eyelids jumped at the same time, wondering! I picked up a hundred dollars when I went out. Think about jumping off a building and asking for money. Mei Mei went to the supermarket and bought a box of cigarettes. The boss insists that it is counterfeit money, call the police! Too much talk is tears, and those who have been locked up all night come out.

27. There is a kind of poverty in the world, that is, when you visit a treasure, you put things in the shopping cart one by one, and then watch them get off the shelf one by one.

28. You will feel that having a boyfriend now is just like being a mother. When you have a boyfriend, you will feel like a daughter!

29. Today, I received a fraud message from a bank, saying that my Alipay was swiped for 889 yuan in a different place. Please log on to the bank website. I calmly deleted the message because my sister didn't have such a high balance in any of my bank cards ... suddenly I felt very sad!

30. "I heard that you got divorced. Who is the child award given to? " "It was awarded to him." "Then you still smile so happily?" "The child is not his anyway."

Editor's Note: Little Wang Yong saved three children who accidentally fell into the water, and TV and newspapers rushed to report it. On this day, the mayor came to Xiao Wang's hospital bed and extended his hand kindly: "Hello, Comrade Xiao Wang, you can recover with peace of mind. Let me know if you have any requirements when you are healed. " Xiao Wang smiled shyly and then said, "Can the guardrail on the river bank be made stronger?" Otherwise I wouldn't have fallen into the river like those three children! "