Liuwei Baba short message platform

I am a male teacher. Hemorrhoids committed, pad a sanitary towel (sanitary towel is my wife's). When playing basketball at school, the damn thing fell out along the trouser leg with blood on it ~ ~ ~

There are many students watching the ball around the stadium, NND, it is not impossible to pick it up. ...

When I was living in high school, a classmate came home and asked him to bring something for me, so he sent a short message: burn me some clothes and money.

I made crabs last night. After the water boiled, I threw the crabs into the pot one by one. Crabs are very fresh and move around in the pot.

My wife was too careful to hide this, so she hid behind me and covered her eyes and didn't dare to look.

I said with relief, Jia Jia, are we too cruel? Wife: Hmm. ............................................................................................................................................................................

The old man who teaches chemistry is 800 degrees nearsighted. After finishing writing the blackboard in class, he turned around and suddenly pointed at me.

Shout: What are you standing for? ! Sit down! ! I sat in the last seat, and my coat hung on the wall behind me. ...

In the first aid class at the university, the professor made a demonstration when talking about cardiopulmonary resuscitation:

Professor: Press your chest with both hands. Don't press too hard. Just press 2 ~ 3 cm. Too much force will easily break the patient's ribs!

Professor: Let's look at the demonstration (press your hand hard). Click! The model's ribs are broken.

Sorry to say, class is over ~

6 University went to Shenzhen to sketch, and strolled on the road with classmates. Suddenly, a male classmate walked to the side of the road, patted a man on the shoulder and asked, "Excuse me, brother". Is it because his brain was jammed by the door that he asked the cashier at the bank? ! The cashier may not have heard it clearly either. I turned around and nervously pointed a gun at him (big spray): "What are you doing! What are you doing! " My classmate pointed a gun at himself.

He was so scared that he cried and said, "Big Brother, it's not interesting. I asked what time it was. " . . . .

Sweating by the waterfall. . . . . . .

I bought an evil graduation book when I graduated from primary school, because it said that the constellation of 65438+1October 20th-February 18 was-

-Water tank seat

Later, for a long time, people asked me what constellation you were, and I said Aquarius!

After work with my former colleagues, I walked to the station opposite the company. A man came over and stared at me for a while. I just want to ask him if he knows me. The man looked at me and threw up! That would be awkward ~ ~

That man is an alcoholic!

I was speechless, and my colleagues laughed. Since then, this matter has been passed down through the ages. . .

Colleagues told everyone that * * * that's ugly. The man threw up at her. . .

nine

My friend was drunk once. According to his mother, he was in the toilet, holding the phone in his right hand and pressing his left hand on the mirror, looking at the "prisoner" in the mirror affectionately: Did you eat well? Has the prison been strictly controlled recently? Try to get out as soon as possible. ...

10

Once, because I had something to contact a classmate, but his number was not stored in my mobile phone, I sent a short message to another classmate who knew him very well: "Do you have XXX's phone number?" Then I waited patiently for a reply. Five minutes later, I finally received a reply. I couldn't wait to open the message and wrote, "Yes". In desperation, I can only send a short message to this big brother again, "So, please tell me?" I waited another five minutes and received a reply. I can't wait to open it again, and the other two words are impressively written, "Good"!

1 1

When I first went to college, it was very special. The teacher once again asked me to show ppt, which I had never used before. It happened that I was the first to speak, and the projector didn't respond after turning on the computer for a long time.

The guy below shouted, press F2, press F2!

So I hesitated and asked: Are these two keys pressed at the same time?

12

A little girl ran to the counter and said to me,' Aunt, give me a packet of ketchup.'

I'm a boy, at least that's what my ID card says.

So I smiled and handed it to her and said,' No problem, little brother.'

The little girl was shocked:' I'm not a little brother!'

Me: Am I an aunt? '

The little girl hurried away with ketchup!

13

When I graduated from graduate school, a girl and two boys in my class helped her move five boxes of things from the seventh floor to the first floor. The tired two boys are almost out of breath, and the aunt who looks at the building can't see the past. She said something that made me feel very sorry: "My boyfriend doesn't want to use it, but other people's boyfriends really want to use it."

14

One day when I was out, I called my friend and asked her to go out with me. Then I called her by the way when I got on the bus: "Little M, have you arrived? Are you going out now? " Then my friend Xiao M said, "I'm taking a bus!" "

I said, "I took the 10X bus. Which bus do you take?" The friend was overjoyed: "Me too!"

I think something is wrong. I saw the opposite person looking at me like a psychopath. I subconsciously looked back and found my friend Xiao M sitting in the seat behind me: "Have you arrived yet?" Have you arrived yet? Why don't you talk? Hey ... "

15

Once I took the No.45 bus to the Bell Tower. On the way, I met a middle-aged woman. At that time, there were not many people in the car, but she stood next to me and another MM. I subconsciously put my bag in front of me, but the MM next to me looked out of the window oblivious. Soon, the middle-aged woman reached into MM's bag with one hand. Just then, I suddenly farted, which made the whole car look at me. I was ashamed and couldn't wait to find a drilling machine. However, the middle-aged woman quickly retracted her hand and covered her nose! Ha ha! "

16

When I was a freshman, the girls in the whole dormitory were very simple. None of us have seen a real condom.

When chatting one night, we gathered in front of the computer to search for pictures. As a result, we only found unopened pictures of boxes and small packages, but not unexpanded pictures, so we decided to buy one in the coin machine on the roadside collectively.

As a result, the machines were rusted, and a group of us were discussing whether there was anything in the box, whether it was worth wasting a coin and so on. Passers-by may have been sweating when they saw us. ...

Later, I finally bought one, and one of the girls was shocked: "It's so small!" We all despised it and said that we would take it back to the dormitory and tear it down.

After opening it, most of us thought it was similar to our own imagination, but the girl still said, "How small it is! Then how to cover people? " We were all struck by lightning. It turns out that she thinks condoms are designed to cover the whole person …

Later, when we see disposable raincoats in the supermarket, we will say "your TT" to her.

17

The director of moral education in our high school speaks very forcefully.

Classic paragraph: Now there is a very uncivilized phenomenon in our school. Many students play basketball with bare arms, and most of them are boys!

Are there still a small number of girls with bare arms?

18

A classmate in high school is nearsighted for nearly a thousand degrees, so he can't be a man without glasses. ...

I broke my glasses while playing, but I kept playing and scored the first three points. ...

At last it fell into a hole. ...

The audience was silent. ...

Then I picked up the ball and threw it to him to kick off. ..

Then he threw the ball back to me and said, isn't it out of bounds? You kick off. ...

19

Video: TV Sniper Episode 23

Comments:

Ku6 user IP: 58.57.7. * Published at 22: 08 on August 6, 2009.

I watched many anti-Japanese movies, but the traitors were all from China.

20

An aunt who practiced driving together ~ ~ One day her husband took her home by motorcycle ~ ~ On the way, a man tried to stop them and told them ~ ~ My car was stolen by the person in front, so he lent it to me to chase him ~ Aunt's husband ignored him and continued driving ~ Aunt sat behind and said ~ ~ ~ ~ I lent it to you. What car shall I drive after you later- .....

2 1

Once I had a drink with my friends, and from afternoon to evening, the white wine turned into red wine. Finally, I held the wine in my glass with one hand and patted him on the shoulder with the other. When I was about to talk about my heart, he spit out all the red wine in his mouth and absorbed it. He froze for a second and began to cry, which was heartbreaking. I said helplessly, "didn't you just throw up all over me?" Nothing, who and who? "

22

Small a company recently got a salary, and small a happily went to the accounting office to get a salary, and then ...

The accountant said, "I'll get my salary later. I have no change here. "

23

My high school classmate (MM) was sent by the school to promote AIDS Day after going to college, and went to a lecture on AIDS prevention with people in the community. On that day, they moved to stools and sat around the classroom waiting for the teacher to give a speech.

At this moment, someone came in and gave everyone a banana in turn.

My classmate's name is Happy. Hey ~ you can still eat fruit after the lecture. 8 wrong, 8 wrong ...

She and the people next to her laughed and laughed while peeling bananas and had a good time.

At this moment, the teacher came in and everyone sent a TT.

It turns out that bananas are used for TT.

But my classmate has only one banana peel left in his hand. .

24

When I was a freshman, the college entrance examination was coming. The senior three in our school must be very nervous. On Monday, the national flag was raised, and a sophomore girl gave a speech on the screen: ... All senior three students should face the college entrance examination seriously, give full play to their best level, and don't repeat the mistakes of the senior high school entrance examination. ...

25

The chemistry teacher did experiments on dilute hydrochloric acid and zinc. He prepared the test tube and poured some hydrochloric acid. After waiting for a long time, there was no response. He was puzzled and asked a classmate to answer: This classmate said, why are there no bubbles?

Classmate: Teacher, you didn't put zinc!

Teacher: This student answered very well!

26

When I was in middle school, Wenquxing became popular. My classmate had the money to buy one, 1998 spent 200 yuan.

I wanted to borrow his game for a while. When I went to a place to ask for the password, I asked him what the password was.

He didn't say, he said not to read, personal information.

So I gave up, but my curiosity not fade away.

One day, I saw him take Wen Quxing out to play. I couldn't help but see him entering the password. I was secretly pleased to see that he had lost six identical roles. The original password was so simple that I took a peek at it.

So, one day he went out, and I dug up his music star and lost it soon. I saw six rice characters * * * * *.

....

27

On the bus in Beijing, a man was carrying a 14-year-old boy.

There is a police car next to the bus when waiting for the traffic lights.

People don't know why they hate the police so much, so they say to the boy, "look, children, they are policemen." police

You know, they are all sons of the people. I am the people, and the police are my sons! "

1 sec later, the boy shouted, "Then I am pol.ice's grandfather!"

The man sitting next to us couldn't help laughing.

28

I bought a bus card holder.

There is a pattern on it that looks like a chicken.

But we're not sure it's a chicken

They laughed at me and said that I had no taste to buy such ugly things.

I was unconvinced and said loudly, what happened to the chicken? Chickens have dignity (I really wanted to say that xx also has dignity)

Then I found the whole hall looking at me. ...

29

One day.

Girlfriend: "I have a small waist."

I disdained, "That's a pork loin."

My best friend was unhappy and asked, "What waist are you?"

Answer: "waist."

30

In junior high school, two sets of independent desks and chairs were put together and quarreled with the deskmate (male). Then I buried my head in my exercise book and wrote my name. Then I stood up to hand in my homework and saw mine.

The deskmate sits on his small stool and then holds his small table. . The result of the whole thing is. . . I was shocked. I don't know why. He slowly struggled to get up from the desk and chair and said piteously, I thought you were going to stand up and hit me.

3 1

A few days ago, I finally went out on a date with my handsome brother who had a crush on me since junior high school.

I dressed up ~ I wore a chest patch because I wore a big collar dress. ...

After eating sweets, take a walk in the commercial street.

Suddenly, handsome brother stopped and asked me, what's under your clothes?

I looked down blankly, OMG! The chest patch slipped! Still stuck to the hem of the dress ~

I calmly took it off and threw it into the trash can: "I don't know what this is ~ I think it is stuck somewhere."

So the two of us walked on.

My hand has been in my chest and I haven't put it down. ......

32

Chatting gossip in the dormitory and chatting with us, a classmate peeled off the password of the mobile phone recharge card by hand. The more she talked, the more energetic she became. When she came to her senses, the password of the recharge card had been stripped away by her. Later, she scraped the password from the scrap paper with wonderful craftsmanship and recharged it.

33

Once in physical education class, the teacher announced solemnly as soon as he came up: Today, I want to criticize two classmates, a man and a woman. A boy standing behind me muttered: dog men and women! A man and a woman! The teacher said loudly, I'm talking about you, you and XX (another woman) ~ ~ The whole class burst into laughter ~ ~

34

A few days ago, I saw a news on my mobile phone: the singer was arrested for taking drugs with a smile. ...

I want to know. ...

If you take drugs, you take drugs. Why are you laughing and taking drugs?

Why does the news specifically point out that drug addicts take drugs with a smile?

Later I learned that Xiaoxiao was a singer. ...

35

A few years ago, when I was a secretary in the company, I rushed to the toilet and found that the door of the ladies' room was unlocked. Because the toilet is a single pit, I dare not enter it rashly, so I knocked on the door to test it. Only heard a female voice calmly answer: please come in ~ ~! !

36

I lost a key while looking for my pocket. I didn't find it at that time, but I went back to find it later!

There is a couple on the roadside. The man suddenly said excitedly, Whose is it? Whose is it?

I thought it was the key. Say it quickly, mine, mine! this is mine

Later, I learned that the woman was pregnant. . . .

Pity my face. . . It hurt for a few days

37

When I was young and ignorant, I only saw my mother wearing a bra and thought it was my mother's exclusive thing. So for a while, I went to the yard with a clothesline every day and brought all my bras home. Neighbor women come to my house every day for bras, and I yell at them at the door every day. It's all my mother! ~

38

I am a washerwoman. Today, I accidentally erased the tattoo of a social tycoon.

39

At school, the school was still a bungalow. School started in September, and many new students came. One day, a freshman seemed to be the class representative of a pile of homework and asked me, "Where is the math office?"

"Next to the men's room." The math office is really next to the men's room, but it is on the left.

The man walked to the right of the men's room and shouted "Report" to the children.

There was a pause, and there was a voice "No Entry"!

......

40

When I was in primary school, I slept at night and dreamed of quarreling with my father. I woke up with anger. Look after waking up.

It's still hot to see my father next to me. Go up and slap your mouth = =

4 1

A math morning exercise, the whole class didn't finish it. The math teacher said with a puzzled face, I finished it with advertising time last night, and your speed is too slow. A classmate refused to accept it on the spot and shouted: The teacher saw the advertisement of Hunan Satellite TV! The whole class burst into laughter.

Forty two.

News: David's wife gave birth to a daughter.

Comment: This access is really amazing.

43

Once I went to a friend's house to get something downstairs. Three people are about to go upstairs to see the children playing sunflower acupoint downstairs.

My friend went up and said, "Look at my sunflower point, one of the children."

We're going upstairs. We stayed upstairs for at least half an hour. When we went downstairs, we saw that the child was still standing still.

A friend came over and the child was alive and kicking again.

I'm sweating profusely .........................

Forty-four

I just got up this morning and saw a woman in the opposite building wearing a bra for breakfast on the balcony. I called my husband to come and see, and his face was livid, and he took me back to the house without saying a word.

Finally said: "Are you looking for a girlfriend?"