Selection of funny and insulting text messages

1. Short funny jokes 1. There was a man who looked like an onion and cried as he walked. 2. Two people fell into a trap. The dead are called dead people, but what are the living people called? Answer: Call for help! 3 What are cloth and paper afraid of? Cloth is afraid of 10,000, paper is afraid of 10,000. 4 There was a fat man. He jumped from a tall building and turned into a dead fat man. 5 Teacher: How to reduce white pollution? Classmate: Make the lunch box blue. 6 One day, a buck ran faster and faster, and it turned into a high-speed buck. 7 Miss: Business is hard to do now! Boss: Why? Miss: Bird flu. 8 Tiger Which is the worst, elephant skin or lion skin? Answer: Elephant skin. Because eraser (poor) 9 Question: What is that thing with 3 heads and one foot? Answer: A monster with 3 heads and one foot! 10 Once upon a time a Marshmallow was very tired. He said: I feel like my whole body has softened. 11 One day, the little yellow duck was hit by a car while crossing the road. He shouted: "Quack!" From then on, it turned into a small cucumber. 12 Xiao Ming: Ah Kang, what will it become if a shark eats mung beans? Kang: I don’t know. Xiao Ming: Stupid. Mung Bean Paste (Mung Bean Shark) 13 The elephant asked the camel: Why does your breast grow on the back? Camel: Stay away from death. I don’t talk to the thing with a penis on my face! 14 How to make the drink bigger? Recite the Great Compassion Mantra. 2. Short funny jokes 1 Two dung beetles discussed the welfare lottery. A said: I want to win the jackpot. I bought all the toilets within a radius of 50 miles and had enough to eat every day! B said: You are so vulgar! If I win the jackpot, I will keep a living person and eat fresh food every day! 2 One day, my mother-in-law was riding in the car. She was halfway there The mother-in-law didn't know the road. The mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said: Where is this? Driver: This is my butt. 3 Once upon a time, a man was fishing and caught a squid. The squid begged him: Please let me go, don't let me go. Bake it and eat it. The man said: Okay, then let me ask you a few questions. The squid was very happy and said: You take the test, you take the test! Then the man grilled the squid. 4 A: That man is here What? B: He is shivering. A: Why is he shivering? B: He is cold. A: Oh, it turns out that shivering means cold pulling. 5 A sausage was locked in the refrigerator. It felt very cold, and then I looked at it He looked at the other one next to him and said: Look, you are frozen like this, your whole body is covered with ice! The other one said: Sorry, I am a popsicle. 6 There were two sausages in the refrigerator. After a long time, one of the sausages shook. , Wow! It’s so cold! The other sausage said in surprise, Huh? How can you talk if you are a sausage? 7 Xiao Ming had his hair cut. When he went to school the next day, his classmates saw his new hairstyle and laughed: Xiao Ming , your head is like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged, so he ran outside and cried. As he cried, he flew up. 8 One day, Xiao Mei and her boyfriend went for a drive. The car was almost out of gas. Go come on. Suddenly a gust of wind blew her boyfriend's hat away. Xiaomei's boyfriend said to her: I'll pick up the hat, you help me come on. As soon as her boyfriend ran away not far, he heard Xiaomei shouting behind him: Come on !Come on! 9 One day a girl went to have her fortune told. The fortune teller saw that she had a tattoo and said, "Your boyfriend is called Xiaoliang, right?" The girl said with angry eyes: This is hate. 10 An orangutan passed by. In the woods, I accidentally collected the excrement of a gibbon. The kind-hearted orangutan cleaned up the excrement of the ape. Soon they fell in love, and others asked how you got together? The orangutan replied: It was ape dung (fate)! 11 MM got lost looking for the university I met a gentle professor. MM: Excuse me, how can I get to xx University? Professor: Only by studying hard can I do it. 12 The polar bear and the penguin played together. The penguin plucked out all the fur on his body. After plucking out Finally, he said to the polar bear: It's so cold! The polar bear listened and plucked out all the hair on his body. He turned to the penguin and said: It's really cold! 13 When ants go to the desert, why do they leave no footprints but only one? line? Answer: Because it rides a bicycle! The ant came home from the desert. He didn’t notify anyone, but his family knew that he was back. Why? Answer: I saw his bicycle parked downstairs. 14 In the music class, the teacher played a song A song by Beethoven. Xiao Ming asked Xiao Hua: Do you know music? Xiao Hua: Yes. Xiao Ming: Do you know what the teacher is playing? Xiao Hua: Piano. 15 A pair of corns fell in love. So they decided to get married. On the wedding day , the corn couldn’t find his wife. The corn asked the popcorn next to him: You

Have you seen our corn? Popcorn: Honey, she is wearing a wedding dress. 16 The little penguin asked his grandma one day: Grandma, am I a penguin? "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asked his father again: Dad, daddy, am I a penguin? "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong?" "But, why do I feel so cold?" 17 Director and Section Chief*** Taking the elevator. After the director farted, he said to the section chief: You farted! The section chief said: I didn't fart. Soon the section chief was dismissed. The director's reason was: You can't bear such a big fart, so what do you want? Use? 18 A woman met a robber and trembled and said: I am from X school. I have just graduated. I have not found a job. I really have no money. After hearing this, the robber burst into tears and said, "Sister, I am also from X school. You can take it." Good student ID card. The person who robbed you in front is from X school. Don’t worry, I will never rob one of your own!" 19 The host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle answered: Yes. The host: Give an example. The eagle was in tears: That year, I fell asleep and the cat climbed up the tree. Then there was an owl. 20 There was a man who had a bad gastrointestinal problem. He came to the hospital for treatment. He told the doctor: I eat whatever I eat, watermelon and watermelon, cucumber and cucumber. ! The doctor thought for a while and said to him: I think you can only eat shit! 21 What does the African cannibal chief eat? Man, the chief is sick, and the doctor told him to be vegetarian. So what does he eat? Vegetative state. 3. Comparative Long joke (but very funny) 1 A blind beggar was begging on the street wearing sunglasses. A drunkard came over and felt sorry for him, so he threw a hundred yuan to him. After walking for a while, the drunkard turned around and said, I saw the blind man distinguishing the authenticity of the hundred-yuan note. The drunk man came over and took back the money and said: You fucking don't want to live anymore, how dare you lie to me! The blind beggar looked aggrieved and said: Brother, I'm here to look at it for my friend. He I am blind and I went to the toilet. In fact, I am mute. "Oh, that's it." So the drunk man threw down the money and staggered away. 2 One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountains to pick fruits. She announced :Children, after picking the fruits, we washed them together and ate them together. All the children ran to pick the fruits. When the gathering time came, all the children gathered. Teacher: Xiaohua, what did you pick? Xiaohua: Me I'm washing apples, because I picked apples. Teacher: Where are you, Xiaomei? Xiaomei: I'm washing tomatoes. Because I picked tomatoes. Teacher: Children are great! What about you, A Ming? A Ming: I'm here Washing cloth shoes because I stepped in poop. 3 The research team went to Antarctica to visit 100 penguins. When I saw Penguin 1, I asked, "Penguin, what do you usually do? Penguin 1: Eat, sleep, and play beans." Seeing Penguin 1 2 asked again: Penguin, what do you usually do? Penguin 2: Eat, sleep, play beans... See Penguin 99 and asked: Penguin, what do you usually do? Penguin 99: Eat, sleep, and play Doudou. At the 100th penguin, the inspector said: Do you usually play Doudou while eating and sleeping? Penguin 100 said: No, while eating and sleeping, the inspector said: Why don’t you play Doudou? Penguin 100 said: Because, because, because I am Doudou, 4 Someone has just been abandoned by his girlfriend. He happened to catch his ex-girlfriend flirting with his new love. The more he watched, the more angry he became, and he wanted to humiliate them. So he greeted them politely and looked down upon them. He said to his girlfriend's new love: Hey, you don't mind my used goods? Just when he was proud of his creativity, his ex-girlfriend smiled and said: Every inch on the outside is old, but everything on the inside is brand new! 5 There is a penguin , his home is very far away from the polar bear's home. If you had to walk, it would take 20 years to get there. One day, the penguin was very bored at home and was going to go find the polar bear to play. Then he went out. But when he reached the road Halfway through he found that he had forgotten to lock the door. It had been 10 years, but the door still had to be locked. So the penguin walked home again to lock the door. After locking the door, the penguin set out again to find the polar bear. He spent In 40 years, I arrived at the polar bear’s house. Then the penguin knocked on the door and said: Polar bear, polar bear, the penguin is here to play with you! As a result, the polar bear opened the door and said to him: Let’s go to your house to play. 6 Conversation between two college students A: Are you B: YES in Xinjiang A: Wow. It’s so far away. A: Has Xinjiang been liberated? B: No, we all carry guns in class. A: It turns out you can speak Chinese! B: Well, we were just on the train when we came here I learned it. A: Do you still eat raw meat? B: Our boss invented flint wood to make fire, and we have barbecue. A: Next time

When I go to Lhasa for a trip, I will stay at your house. B: No problem, but my home is a little far from Lhasa. A: How do you come to school? B: Riding a donkey to Beijing and then taking a plane. A: It must take a long time to arrive. ? B: Get used to it, just leave half a year in advance! A: Why not ride a horse? B: In Xinjiang, those who ride horses are poor people. Like the ones we passed the exam, they all rode camels and donkeys. And there is no college entrance examination in Xinjiang , the exams are all archery competitions. Put up a sign one kilometer away, write "Tsinghua" and put "Peking University" next to it. Then a person has three chances. The first time I shot Tsinghua University, the second time I shot Peking University, they both failed. In the end, for Insurance, the nearest sign is this school. A: Do you use RMB there? B: No, I have never heard of this before I was admitted to college. A: Then don’t you buy anything? B: We took a fancy to what others were carrying and went there, using the sheep as money! A: The Chinese New Year is coming soon, is it allowed to set off firecrackers in Xinjiang? B: Who is still setting off firecrackers? We all threw grenades and buried landmines for fun! The movement was very festive. 7 The little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked: Boss, are there a hundred buns? Boss: I'm sorry, there are not so many. "That's it." The little white rabbit left dejectedly. The next day, the little white rabbit The little white rabbit jumped to the bakery, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" Boss: I'm sorry, there are still no "That's it." The little white rabbit left dejectedly. On the third day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery. Bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" The boss said happily: Yes, yes, there are a hundred buns today! The little white rabbit took out the money: Great, I will buy two! 8 A hunter rode a horse and took his hounds to hunt. After wandering in the forest for a whole day, he found no prey. When it got dark, he was unwilling to keep riding in the forest. The horse suddenly said: You don't even let me rest, you want to tire me to death. ? The hunter was startled when he heard it. He immediately rolled off his horse, took the hunting dog and ran away. When he ran to a big tree to catch his breath, the dog patted his chest and said to him: I was scared to death, the horse can actually talk. ! The hunter was frightened to death on the spot. Shameless plagiarism. The original poster is not enough. I still have some. You can add Q and I will pass it on to you.

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