A long humorous joke

Lead: It is said that long humorous jokes will be more popular. Do you know what a long humorous joke is? The following is a complete collection of long humorous jokes that I have carefully arranged for you. Welcome to read!

1. A college student asked a famous economist to define economic recession, depression and panic.

"It's not difficult." The expert replied, "During the recession, people need to tighten their belts. It is difficult to buy a belt to tie pants in a depression. When people don't have pants, panic begins.

2. A female customer walked into a photo studio and asked the clerk:

"May I enlarge my photo?"

"Of course!"

Female customer: "How much is it?"

Shop assistant: "Ten yuan."

Female customer: "I don't want to enlarge everything, I just want to enlarge my eyes." Can it be cheaper? "

Lao Wang asked Xiao Li why his eyes were swollen.

Xiao Li said: "When I was wearing pants this morning, a button in front fell off. I couldn't sew, so I ran to the next door and found a lady to sew it for me."

"Oh, my God! She must have thought you had gone too far and punched you! "

"No, it isn't! She was very kind, so she took out her needle and thread and sewed it on the spot. I also stood and sewed for her, but just as she finished sewing and bit off the thread with her mouth, her husband came in! "

4. A greedy restaurant owner got a forgetful medicine. It is said that the customer will forget at least one thing or one thing after taking this medicine, and he will get a treasure.

Soon, the boss saw a nouveau riche come in for dinner, ordered all kinds of delicious food and wore gold, silver and jewels. So he put a lot of forgetfulness drugs in the meal of the nouveau riche.

The nouveau riche finished eating and drinking and left the shop. The boss rummaged everywhere and found nothing! After nothing, the boss suddenly remembered that the nouveau riche did forget one thing: he didn't pay the bill! ! !

In the first grade of primary school, the new teacher wants to test these children and asks:

Teacher: "It's five kilometers from A to B, and how many kilometers from B to A?"

Student: "I don't know."

Teacher: "Alas, I don't understand such a simple question!" " Isn't it five kilometers from b to a? "

Student: "You are wrong. It takes four months from Children's Day to National Day, and is it four months from National Day to Children's Day? "

6. An old man defiantly said to a child, Have you seen the complete works of Jin Yong? The names of all his works can be connected into a formula: flying snow pats a white eagle in the sky, laughing at a book and leaning against the garden.

The child disdainfully said to him, have you seen the complete works of JK Rowling (the author of Harry Potter)? All his works can also be connected into a formula: hahahahahahahahaha. ...

7. A man went to Shaolin Temple to learn from his teacher. The master pointed out that martial arts should focus on internal skills, and practice internal skills first, then external skills. Then the master asked him to take a pipe and blow into the water in the half tank, saying when he could blow out the water in the tank, which proved that his internal skill had reached the highest level. So he practiced hard day after day. Three years passed without any effect, but he thought that since Master said so, there must be a reason. So I continued to practice. After ten years like this, it still doesn't work. Finally, he was disappointed and decided to stop practicing and prepare to go home. I went home and met his father. His father asked him, how did you learn from your teacher for ten years? He felt embarrassed, so he bowed his head and sighed in frustration, and when he looked up, his father was gone. ...

8. Xiaoming's mother bought him a catty of peaches and exclaimed when washing them in the kitchen: "Oh, there is a bug with peaches!" "

9. A couple are notoriously stingy. One day, a person went into town and wanted to go to the toilet while walking, but on second thought, such a good fertilizer could not be cheap to others. So I've been holding it. Later, I couldn't hold it any longer, so I went to the toilet. But nothing came out except a few farts. So I'm proud. Go home and tell your wife about your experience.

Who knows that my wife flew into a rage: You are a black sheep, how can you live like this? How nice it would be to save these farts and blow the lights!

10, the father said, "shameless. Why didn't you stop that French boy from kissing you? "

The daughter said, "I can't speak French!" " "

1 1. A mother wrote to her son to congratulate him on his engagement: "Dear son, your father and I are very happy and satisfied with this news. We are anxiously waiting for your wedding day and thank God for giving you a beautiful marriage. "

When his son read the letter, he found a few words written in another handwriting at the end of the paper: "Your mother went to find stamps. Don't do such a stupid thing, silly claw. Live a single life!

12, father died young-monopolizing power.

Widowed in middle age-looking for new love.

Losing children in old age-avoiding future troubles.

13, bad personality, doing nothing, the man who always partyed died. Although his wife hates his guts at ordinary times, she can't help but thank her guests sadly. When I heard a friend read a eulogy, there was actually a passage: pure and honest, excellent character, supporting the family, helping the weak and helping the poor, all of which are love. His wife asked her son in a low voice, "Go and see if your father is lying in the coffin?"

14. Before, someone came to my aunt's house and just came in. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom.

She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!" " "

15. On the first day of the recruits' entry into the camp, the officer said to the recruits, "From now on, you must absolutely obey the command of the officers, okay?" The recruit answered brightly: "Yes!"

That night, the cookhouse squad held a welcome party for the recruits. At the welcome meeting, the first mate delivered his long and boring welcome speech, only pitying the recruits to eat chicken, duck and fish in front of them. I don't know how long it took, but the chief finally finished it. Finally, he said in a commanding tone, "OK, let's start eating now."

An hour later, the CEO came to the restaurant again. To his surprise, the plates on the table were intact, but there was not a grain left in the git. He asked strangely, "What is this? Can soldiers waste food? "

......

16. The man wanted to break off the relationship with his second wife, and the second wife demanded 200,000 yuan for the loss of youth.

The man's father was very painful for money and asked, "How much is the loss of youth?"

Xiaosan said, "I tell you, you don't understand!" " "

The man's father asked, "Is it devaluation?"

The hostess said, "Almost."

The man's father said: "Since it is depreciation, my child has no depreciation." In that case, can I ask you for the wear and tear? ! "

17, Pige came back from a business trip and immediately asked the apartment manager for information for fear that his wife would have an affair.

"Has anyone come to see my wife? Do you like a man you don't know or someone else? "

"No, only a milkman came the day before yesterday."

"Well, I'm relieved." The dove heaved a sigh of relief.

"But he hasn't come down yet!"

18, female friend's birthday, the four of us agreed to send her a "happy birthday" at 0: 00, and each of us sent a sentence, and I got the second sentence.

As a result, they didn't send it

19, 1. Make up your mind.

There is a man who is addicted to alcohol and never leaves all day. He turned a deaf ear to his friend's advice.

Once, a friend saw an article about the harm of drinking in a book and showed it to him at once. The drunkard saw the article written like this: "Drinking too much will cause many problems and shorten life." Surprised, I made up my mind: "I made up my mind this time!" " "

The friend said, "Look, you should have made up your mind!" " The drunkard said, "no, I mean, I'm determined never to study again!" " ! " "

Get rid of it

A drunk walked into the bar with his feet up and his hands up and shouted, "Give me a good brandy, man."

The shopkeeper was very surprised and asked, "Why are you walking like this?"

......

20, "working in Beijing, has not solved the lifelong event, so under the arrangement of friends, blind date again and again. The following is a conversation when I met you girls:

first time

Meimei: "I heard that you are in Beijing!" " "

Me: "Not hanging out in Beijing, but working in Beijing!" " "

Meimei: "Did you dare to talk back to me the first time we met? After that, it will not be reversed. I have work to do. I have to go first! " "

second time

Meimei: "am I beautiful, and have to tell the truth?"

Me: "Beautiful, beautiful!" "

Meimei: "Hey! Why? I don't like to say that I am beautiful, but I like it but ignore me? "

the third time

Meimei: "I heard that you have a red-flag car at home?"

......"

2 1, "When a stone fights with a rice cake, the stone flies up and kicks the rice cake into the sea. ....................

Once upon a time, there was a pair of lovers who decided to join the army for life, so they made an oath with the girl, gave her a diamond ring, and agreed to meet her three years later today. At that time, the ring will be used as a wedding ring. Three years later, the girl has been waiting for the boy, but she can't. Sad and desperate, she threw the diamond ring into the sea and moved away. However, the boy has been waiting.

"rice cake"! ! ! "

22. When I was down and out, a girl was willing to go to the grave with me-she said with red eyes, if you don't pay me back, I will go with you …

23. Someone is a bookworm. One day, his neighbor caught fire, and the neighbor's sister-in-law said to him while putting out the fire, "Good brother, go and find your big brother and tell him that the house is on fire!" " "

The bookworm got dressed and walked out with measured steps. Not far away, I saw my neighbor playing chess. He quickly went over silently and looked at the chess game with rapt attention.

After a long time, a game of chess was over. Neighbors saw him and asked.

"Brother, what can I do for you?"

"oh! I have something to tell you-my dear brother's house is on fire. "

The neighbor was surprised and angry: "Why didn't you say so earlier?"

The bookworm bowed and said slowly, "Calm down, my dear friend. Haven't you heard the old saying,' A promise made by a gentleman is a promise never made'? "

24. The city zoo said to the tourists, "Don't be afraid. This lion is very docile. It grew up in a bottle. "

Tourist: "I grew up in a bottle, too, but I like eating meat now."

25. A young man in fashionable clothes went to buy candy. When he saw the colorful candy, he said happily, "Oh, shit, the candy here is covered!" Hey, what sugar is the best? "

The salesman looked at him and said, "If you eat it, you'd better keep it fragrant."

26. If Columbus had a wife, would he still be able to discover America?

She would say, "Where are you going? Go with who? Find what? What time are you coming back? I don't think you'll get anything on this voyage! " 1. One person scolds another person: "I really want to spit a bubble in your face!"

2. I remember that a buddy in our dormitory grabbed someone else's buns and said while eating: This stuff is only suitable for stuffing your ass.

3. I remember when I was a child, the primary school teacher scolded a student: "I will kick you out with a slap!" We dare not laugh if we want to.

4. One classmate touched another classmate's head, and the one who was beaten resisted and said: There is nothing here, why do you want to be obscene?

Several of our middle school classmates once went out by bike, and one of them went to kick another fat classmate's foot, trying to scold him and saying, I stretched out a hoof and flew a foot. ...

6. A girl in our dormitory fiddled with another mm's bangs: Look at this mess, it looks like a dog's paw scratched it.

7. Several of our classmates got together and played a joke on the other one: "Why are you so cheap!" The man said, "What happened to me? ! "

......

27. "Armstrong, the first astronaut to land on the moon, said a world-famous saying:" One small step for a man is one giant step for mankind. "When he returned to the lander, he said something inexplicable:" Good luck, Mr. Gorsky. "

Most people in NASA think that this sentence has no deep meaning and may refer to a Soviet astronaut. However, neither the Soviet Union nor NASA has such a person. After that, many people asked Armstrong what he meant by "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" every year. He just laughed and didn't answer.

On July 5th, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, a reporter poked out the question he had been asking for 26 years. This time Armstrong finally spoke. Mr. Gorschi died not long ago, and Armstrong thought he could answer.

......"

28. "Sir, enemy planes are taking pictures of us."

"Give me an order: Don't laugh!"

29. Private: "I love two girls at the same time. One is beautiful and lovely, but she is poor. Although the other is rich, he looks average. You say, which one should I choose? "

Private first class: "the beautiful one, of course." After all, money is not the most important thing. "

Private: "Great. I think so too. " Then I'll get engaged to that beautiful girl tonight. "

"But," the soldier continued, "can you tell me where the unattractive girl lives?"

30. People in a certain country don't wear underwear, and the king encourages everyone to wear clean and warm clothes. A farmer is not used to taking off his camel underwear. After taking down the stool, he looked back and thought there was nothing on the ground. After sitting down, his ass was warm, and he thought it was warm.

3 1, two gangsters lay in ambush in a dark street, intending to plot against a bank clerk. After waiting for a long time, there is still no sign of the man. One of them said anxiously, "Is your information accurate? Why didn't he come for so long? I hope he doesn't have an accident! "

32. "A little girl ran to the counter and said to me,' Aunt, give me a packet of ketchup.'

I'm a boy, at least that's what it says on my ID card.

So I smiled and handed it to her and said,' No problem, little brother.'

The little girl was shocked:' I'm not a little brother!'

Me: Am I an aunt? '

The little girl hurried away with ketchup! "

33. Once, because I had something to contact a classmate, but his number was not stored in my mobile phone, I sent a short message to another classmate who knew him very well, "Do you have XXX's phone number?" Then I waited patiently for a reply. After 5 minutes, I finally received a reply. I couldn't wait to open the message and wrote: "ammonia." In desperation, I can only send a short message to this big brother again, "So, please tell me?" I waited for another five minutes and received a reply. I couldn't wait to open it again, and two other words were written impressively, "Good ammonia!

Li Ming is a very rich man, but he takes money seriously. Not long ago, he spent nearly one million dollars on a luxury Mercedes-Benz car, trying to show it off in front of his friends.

One day, he drove around in his new car. Just as he was about to stop, a container truck roared past. Because the two cars were too close together, the container car crashed into the door near the steering wheel. Li Ming immediately grabbed his mobile phone and called the police. In less than five minutes, the police arrived at the scene.

Before the police could ask questions, Li Ming screamed hysterically: "I spent nearly one million yuan on this luxury Mercedes-Benz car last month, which was the result of bargaining. It seems that no matter how you repair it, you can't recover it. "

Probably because he was tired of shouting, Li Ming finally calmed down.

The policeman shook his head and said, "I don't believe you rich people value money more than life." You only care about your car, even your own body. "

......

35. A player has not been in a good state recently, and his catch is unstable. While practicing passing and catching the ball, another player passed him a good ball, fearing that he would not catch it steadily, he shouted, "Catch it steadily!" " "

The ball hit him on the head.

I just heard him say, "With who?"

36. When I went out one day, I called my friend and asked her to come out with me. Then I got on the bus and called her by the way: "Little M, have you arrived? Are you going out now? " Then my friend Xiao M said, "I'll take the bus!"

I said, "I take the bus 10X, which one do you take?" The friend was overjoyed: "Me too!"

I think something is wrong. I saw the opposite person looking at me like a psychopath. I subconsciously looked back and found my friend Xiao M sitting in the seat behind me: "Have you arrived yet?" Have you arrived yet? Why don't you talk? Hey ... "

37. A soldier was so addicted to gambling that he was transferred to another unit. The letter of introduction says: This soldier has been gambling all his life.

The new official asked, "Do you like gambling? What do you usually gamble on? " "For example, if you have a birthmark on your right arm, bet on 200 yuan." The officer took off his coat. "There is no birthmark." The officer took the money and called the former officer: "He can't gamble, he just lost me 200." "Are you? He bet me 5000 yuan that he could make you undress. "

38. "The mentally ill and Dong escaped from the mental hospital, but they had to climb over the wall of 100 to reach the highway.

They climbed 60 walls together and said to Dong, "Are you tired, man?"

Dong replied that he was not tired.

Liu Zihan said it was tiring. Let's keep turning.

When turning to the 99th Great Wall, Dong said to him, "Dude, are you tired?"

Liu Zihan replied, "I'm tired! Let's go back! "

So they returned ... "

Ivan came home with a nosebleed. His mother asked, "What's the matter?"

"A boy bit me," Ivan said.

"Can you recognize him when you see him again?" Mom asked.

"I can recognize him wherever he goes," Ivan said. "His ears are still in my pocket."

40. A man stood in front of a tombstone in the cemetery. The tombstone read: "The lawyer who sleeps here is a faithful man." Puzzled, the man said to himself, "This is very strange. Why are there two people buried in a grave? "

One day, people from a capitalist country were chatting with people from a socialist country.

Capitalism: "Ah! You see, you always say that capitalism is not good. But our capitalist countries are finally riding on the heads of socialist countries. "

Socialism: "Yes! But the climax of your capitalist country has passed, and the climax of our socialist country has not yet arrived. "

42. The fortune teller said to the frog prince: The beautiful women you will meet will be attracted by you and want to know you better and get close to you. Prince Frog: Where can it be? Amateur: Biology class.

43. On the plane, a stewardess asked a little girl, "Why didn't the plane hit the stars when it was flying so high?"

The little girl replied, "I know, because the stars will shine!" " "

44. A stewardess was serving food in the air when suddenly a parrot called out, "Silly, have a cup of coffee." Stewardess, if the parrot falls, have a drink!

A man next to me thought, if a parrot can crow, I can crow, too. So he also let out a cry, "silly, have a cup of coffee." Now the stewardess is angry. Throw him out.

When the parrot was in the air, the team members said, "Are you stupid? I can fly. Can you fly? "

45. Dad asked his mother, "Why is the steamed bread so dark today?"

The son replied, "This was done last night!" " "

46. I took my five-year-old brother to the movies, and suddenly there was a scene of the hero and heroine making out: they threw clothes under the bed one by one. I turned my head nervously to see my little brother's reaction, but the situation was not as bad as I thought. I saw my younger brother unconvinced and said, "Brother! Why can't they throw clothes and I can't? "

47. In middle school, a classmate moved and invited everyone to his house for dinner. . Lots of dishes. At the dinner table, his mother stood up and said politely to everyone, "You must eat and drink enough. You're welcome. You can't waste it. Now that you have moved to a new house, it's a pity that there are no pigs at home. "

48, a cold joke, said: One day, mung bean was lovelorn. Ta was very sad, so she kept crying, crying, crying ... and finally ... sprouted ~

49. In high school math class, the teacher writes on the blackboard. Usually, an old-fashioned blogger sleeps soundly, not bad, and deserves a teacher. A group of people (including my brother) whispered to him: Brother Bo, the teacher is looking for you. Teng jumped up from the chair, saw the teacher look blank, and quickly bent down to read ~ ~ As good brothers, we quickly lend a helping hand: choose C, choose C! "This question is C!" Brother Bo looked up with a smile, but what he saw was the teacher's veins standing out suddenly and violently, a shocking sentence: get out! ! !

50." 1. Title: Although .........

Child: He took off his clothes and put on his trousers.

Teacher's comment: Is he going to take it off? Still have to wear it?

2. Title: Among them

Children: I hurt my left foot.

Teacher's comment: Are you a centipede?

3. Title: One by one

Child: After work, Dad goes home one after another.

Teacher's comment: How many dads do you have?

4. Theme: Sadness

Child: There is a ditch in front of my house, which is really sad.

Teacher's comment: The teacher is even sadder.

5. Title: Once again

Child: My mother is short, tall, fat and thin.

Teacher's comment: Is your mother a deformed diamond?

......"

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