Classic funny and hurtful text messages

1, I'll tell you the seven commandments after meals: No smoking, No eating fruit immediately, No relaxing your belt, No drinking tea immediately when tempted, No walking, No bathing immediately, No sleeping immediately! Bajie: Do you remember?

I heard that you were dying of thirst in the desert. At this moment, a fairy floated in. The fairy gave you a glass of bright red juice to drink. You drank it all at once, delicious, have another drink. The fairy blushed and said, sorry to have to wait for next month!

The doctor advised me to ride a horse to lose weight, and the effect was really good. I lost 30 pounds a week, but I don't understand one thing: why do they insist on weighing people and horses together?

4. The pig cried sadly. Mother pig asked: Why are you crying? I feel stupid, said the pig. Mother comforted: don't cry, the pig reading this news is dumber than you!

Almighty God, please bless those who don't call me, send me short messages and have no time to think about me. Let his mobile phone fall into the toilet, and the key also fell in. It is better to drop it with everyone! Amen!

On the first night of moving to a new home, a man broke in in the dark, and I couldn't resist. He stole all my things ... damn grave robbers, and he didn't cover the coffin when he left.

7. Hello, my name is Xiao Gan. My money is under the mattress in your bed. Open it and have a look. The money is yellow and round with a square in the middle. You take out the money and keep it. I sent it to you. If you aim your eyes at the square space, you can see that I am smiling at you.

8. I called you a pig and you said, "I am a pig." So I call you "pig". Later, you couldn't bear it anymore and said to me loudly, "I'm not a pig."

9. Congratulations! Your wife gave birth to another boy at home. You've been out for two years, and you won't come back to see it.

10, give you some sunshine and you will be brilliant, give you some flood and you will flood. A broken jar has its own broken lid, and an ugly ghost has its own ugly love. As long as love is as deep as the sea, Asako can shine!

1 1. Somehow, I dreamed that your figure has been in my dream for the past two days, which made me unable to look forward to it. Today, I want to summon up the courage to tell you that I hope you have plastic surgery and don't scare me in your dreams.

12, study hard, make progress every day and don't date anyone for three years. The key is that you are ugly, but you have no other advantages except ugliness!

13, okay? I have been secretly in love with you, missing your face, your lips, your tongue and your ears, but I am too poor to confess. Now that I have money, I can say loudly, "Boss, cut that pig head in half for me".

14, since ancient times, who has no shit, who defecates without paper? If you don't use toilet paper, are you using your fingers?

15, you know me better than the mirror, you are more knowledgeable than Zhuangzi, and you are smarter than your grandson, so I always call you Jing (Jing) Zhuang (Zhuang) grandson!

16, you are driving a long-distance sports car, but the speed is only 25-30KM/H, and suddenly a traffic policeman jumps out and stops your car; You are startled: Did I break the rules? Traffic Police: Please drive faster!

17, I sent a text message to the caterpillar, and she read it and did it, turning into a butterfly and flying away; You want it too. I'll send it to you as it is, but how can you become a fly and fly not far away? !

18, I heard you were * *, which really scared me. Although you grew up with dementia, it is harmless to society. Who is so bold as to dare to sell you? I'm worried about him. It's strange to sell it!

19, it's wood who makes furniture, scholars who understand poetry, people who think about money, talents who practice, geniuses who send messages and fools who look at them!

20. You have a slender figure and temperament. If a successful man sees you, he will definitely call you aunt.

2 1, cold remedy: lean your head against the door frame and close the door hard until dizziness is accompanied by slight congestion, and the cold can be cured.

22. Psychological test: If you race with a bear, you hope: 1. You run faster than a bear; 2. Run as fast; 3. You run slower than a bear ... Answer: 1. You are worse than an animal; 2. You are an animal; You are worse than animals.

23. You owe me a hug to read it; Delete it and owe me a kiss; Save it, owe me an appointment; If you answer that you owe me everything; If you don't come back, you are mine. Choose!

24. On that day, you cut a pig with a knife, and the pig fled into a dead end. All I heard was that the pig knelt down and begged for mercy from you: We are born from the same root, so why fry each other!

25. Others have a big bouquet of roses, but I am shy. I have a cactus. I hold it and summon up courage to say three words to you: "Sit up!" " "

26. Who didn't have shit since ancient times and who didn't use paper for defecation? If you don't use toilet paper, are you using your fingers?

It is said that after lights out in the dormitory, everyone smiled and said to themselves, "Welcome." Then he goes to sleep, and soon you will hear a strange woman's weak voice: thank you. ...

28. A gorilla came to the zoo. It was so ugly that the tourists threw up all over the floor. One day I went and I vomited; Another day, you went and the orangutan threw up.

29. Tang Bohu used to sit on Jessica Hester Hsuan paper and draw apples with hey hey ink. His income was quite good. The neighbor's wife followed suit, but the apples she drew were left unattended, and her husband told her. People draw apples, but you don't, and there are bug eyes. Who wants it?

30. Give you a gift with the heaviest amount of feces since there was feces. You will eat a catty and be full. If you feel that the amount of feces is not enough, please help yourself!

3 1, the imperial edict is: load the sky, the emperor summons: because you have seriously affected the city appearance, you will be fined for three days, and you are not allowed to shit, and you are not allowed to take paper with you. The paper is only three feet until you die! A Cheng, get the newspaper!

32, mud is a nest! Mud is the smell of the nest! I look at the mud affectionately! I want to say to mud, I lack mud! (Please read aloud)

33. What happened? I called your mobile phone just now, and after the bell rang, the phone prompted a voice saying: The other party is streaking, please redial later. I can't believe it! Dial again and say: Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is out of service area, please redial later.

34. You are cool, you are cool. You drink water in the reservoir, sleep in the ancient tomb, have a waterfall in your mouth, and your limbs are like sleepers. You think you are The Story Of Diu Sim Lyu3 bu4, but you are actually an Antarctic native.

35. At the moment I turned to leave, you cried helplessly behind me and tore my heart out, making me suddenly understand how much I love you. I suddenly turned around and cried and hugged you and shouted, I'm not selling this pig!

36, a dozen bamboo boards, I won't boast about others, boasting that you look like a flower. Although you look like a flower, you have to hang down. You can eat three buns if you ignore the dog!

Can you give me a chance? In a population of more than 5 billion, it is fate to get to know each other. This fate is the blessing I have accumulated for generations. I don't want to waste it. Give me a chance to hit you.

38. Test you: What should I do if pigs all over the world die overnight? (Make a title) "At least you"!

39. Spring flowers bloom, which is your smile; The summer sun is burning, that's your passion; Autumn fruits are ripe, which is your harvest; Hey hey! Bear, so you can hibernate safely!

40. A mosquito stung his left arm and drank a lot. You were awakened by a sting. At the moment when you waved your right hand to hit the mosquito, the mosquito said to you: Your blood can flow in my body!

4 1, starting from tomorrow, the city * * decided to drive away all ugly mentally retarded young people who are harmful to the city! Hurry up and pack your things, go out and take shelter, and don't tell anyone that I informed you, remember! You are welcome!

42, 10 missed 9 other photos of you /8, 7 were you /6 puppies, 5 were like you /4 bones, 3 were you /2 paws. 1 It must be you.

43. Donor: The underwear you are wearing today is full of sinister colors, which is not good for your behavior. I hope you can take it off immediately and throw it in the toilet to ensure safety. Kindness is kindness.

Congratulations on winning the grand prize. Please come to the People's Bank of China with sabre, shotgun and soil cannon at 10 this evening.

45. Money can buy a house, but it can't buy a home; Marriage, but not love; Clock, but can't buy time. Money is not everything, but it is the root of pain. Give me your money and let me suffer alone!

46. You are my heart, you are my liver, you are three quarters of my life, and you are like a mountain in my heart. If you are sick, it's none of my business.

47. I was born to be useful, but I can't understand it! One day, Wang Di woke up from a dream. Get up at eight tomorrow morning, and he will understand after eating the cake (you will be surprised if you try to read the third word of each sentence).

48. Wukong, you clean the glass; Friar Sand, mop the floor. Bajie, the master knows your situation very well, and after careful consideration, he decided to give you a chance to show it-after reading this message, hurry to clean the girls' toilet.

49. The sky above is your bathroom. You spent a lot of money on this bathroom. You don't know how deep the water is or how shallow it is. If a dive fails, you will never see it again.

50. I dreamed of you last night: we walked by the river and snuggled together. You looked up at my eyes and spit out three words affectionately ... woof woof woof. ...

5 1, honey, do you know? You have lost a lot of weight recently! I see it in my eyes, but it hurts in my heart. It's almost the Spring Festival, but your health is worrying ... who doesn't want to let their pigs kill a few kilograms more!

52. The white clouds in the sky are fluttering slowly, the stream in the valley is gurgling, the beloved girl rushes by, your pants fall off one by one ... your pants are on fire.

53. I want to be young forever, forever ... but ... I have been dead for more than 60 years. When I died, I was just in my early twenties, just like you, at your bedside. Help me ... please help me! You heard my voice. ...

54. congratulations We finally found you with an annual salary of one million in the talent market. Please give your luggage and belongings to the doorman on duty after work.

55, is real gold, never afraid of fierce flames; Is a pine tree, never afraid of the long cold; Haiyan, never afraid of lightning that cuts the sky; What an idiot, staring at the text message!

You are a genius-a born fool, graduated from Harvard-Harbin Buddhist College, and you look good-it's really not your fault that you look like this.

57. The beauty of learning lies in confusing people; The beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; The beauty of a woman lies in being stupid without regrets; The beauty of a man lies in lying. Don't be crazy with me, my eldest brother Qin Shihuang. Believe it or not, it's my uncle. First bomb and then poison, the United States has to take it. If you refuse to accept it again, your account will become a pig!

58. The person I love has been taken away, and the person who loves me is terrible, either deteriorating in debauchery or perverting in silence. -For Valentine's Day!

59. You are a little donkey. You run very slowly. Suddenly one day you run very fast on a whim. You want to go to the bathroom. Others have a lot of roses, but I am short of money. I have a cactus. I hold it and summon up courage to say three words to you: "sit on it!" "

60. I am a ghost. I died in the basement of your dormitory. Last year, I was dismembered. I climb it every night. Can you come and help me? I'm at your bedside.

6 1, your face is better than Chen Shimei's; Your eyes are brighter than Zhuge Liang; I love more than Lu; My feelings are longer than Guan Yunchang's; But my promise is more empty than the Monkey King's. It's a mess now … I don't know what I'm thinking … I'm bored to death … I really don't know what to do? Can you tell me ... I really don't know whether to eat Lamian Noodles or Zhajiang noodles!

62. If girls are divided into five grades according to their looks: beauty, temperament, loveliness, patriotism and obeying traffic rules, you can only rank between patriotism and obeying traffic rules.

63. I want to see the sea with you, but I can't grasp the unpredictable future; I want to climb the mountain with you, but I am full of confusion about my ideal; I want to wander with you, but I can't go to a happy paradise; I wanted to go shopping with you, but when I met * *, I said I didn't bring a dog.

64. Don't feel sorry for yourself, even though you are teething! You can dig sweet potatoes, cover your chin when it rains, separate the tea residue when you drink tea, and use it as a knife and fork when you have a picnic. Do you think you are the best?

65. May happiness stick to you like a dog skin plaster, good luck be trampled by you often like dog shit, happiness buzz around you like flies, wealth is picked up casually like garbage, and accidents always make you scream like mice!

66. I ran into you and was at a loss. I can't avoid your affectionate eyes. I know your heart. I ran as fast as I could, but you followed me closely. I cried, "Whose dog is nobody's business?"

67. Warning: Hello! Because your mobile phone is ugly and outdated, which seriously affects the city appearance, we decided to send a signal to destroy it.

68. It is absurd to pull out the seedlings and encourage them, but it is foolhardy to cover their ears and steal the bell. Borrowing an arrow from a straw boat is a clever plan, and burning the boat is a decisive battle. Romance is romance, and sacrificing one's life for righteousness is dedication. If you keep looking down, you are a big fool!

69. Donor: Hello! We are the Tibetan Buddhist Committee. When you received this message, we deducted the donation from 50 yuan from your mobile phone bill. In order to thank you, this bureau grants you the highest legal number-mental retardation.

70. You are the sun in my heart, but it is raining. You are the moon in my heart, but gloomy; You are a long moth in the sky, but your face hits the ground first.

7 1. God said he could grant me a wish. I took out my globe and said I wanted world peace. He said it was too difficult. Let's change it. I took out your photo and said I want this person to look good. He pondered: I'd better bring a globe.

72. The magpie came, and my mother said it was like a bird and a guest. The swallow came, and my mother said it was a good bird or a guest. The crow came, and the child asked, are you a guest? The crow cried, Yes, I am a hacker!

73. If you shed tears, I would like to be the toilet paper in your hand; If you wake up, I will be the shit in your eyes; If you are hot to death, I am willing to be the only piece of cloth left on you.

74. This is a story of the end of time. A long time ago, a young man lost his beloved girl. He went through a lot of hardships and came to the girl. The girl said to him affectionately, "how about ... get out!" "

75. A girl's name is Joanna and a boy's name is Sid Xing. They look at the stars by the river at night. Suddenly a meteor passed by. From then on, this star has a new name [Johnny's West Star].

76. Wukong, you clean the glass; Friar Sand, mop the floor. Bajie, the master knows your situation very well. After careful consideration, he decided to give you a chance to show it. After reading this message, go and clean the girls' toilet as soon as possible.