Uncle Benshan's classic quotations that make people laugh.

1, rich girl: Have you ever seen a famous brand? My bag says LV! Me: I have studied Pinyin and seen Donkey, right?

The passenger ship was sinking, and the leader grabbed a life jacket. The secretary reminded me: Director, there are still many women on board. The leader is angry: when is it, still thinking about that! !

3. When cooking, a crab pushed out of the pot and said to you, "I'm hot!" Answer: "If you want to be red, bear it!"

It is said that there are three obvious signs before the earthquake: 1. Well water is abnormal; 2. Abnormal reaction of livestock; 3. Experts come out to refute rumors. But careful people point out that article 2 and article 3 are repetitive.

I stepped on a beautiful snake last night, and it bit me in turn. After a while, the snake trembled, foamed at the mouth and then hung up. I spat at him and disdainfully said to him: I have been drinking melamine milk, eating white flour, fried dough sticks with gutter oil, red-heart duck eggs marinated in Sudan, eel fed with birth control pills, hormone-treated chicken, water-injected meat and fake vaccines since childhood. How dare you bite me! It's killing me!

6. I asked a stock friend yesterday: The stock market has plummeted recently. How did you sleep? He said: Thanks to the passion fruit in Naer, he slept like a baby. I said: you are a master! I can sleep here! He was silent for a long time and said, I often wake up in the middle of the night and cry for a while before going to sleep.

7. Somali pirates: "Three million dollars, one price!" China official: "2.5 million!" Pirate: "Do you think I'm stupid? I know you said 250 is a curse! " China official: "Three million is three million! But the invoice should say seven million! " The pirate's eyes were full of tears and he held up his thumb: "You still insist on robbing money! ! ! "

8. Coax the leader to be happy and leave, show if he is happy, and dream if he is happy.

9. The history teacher said: The order of the Qin Dynasty to unify the six countries can be recorded as "Calling Zhao Wei to move!" (Zhao Han Wei Chu Yan Qi) The whole audience was ashamed ...

10, I drove out to eat with my colleagues, and there was no parking space where I ate, so I had to park on the side of the road. Ask your friends if they will get a ticket. Without saying anything, he took out a ticket from the box and posted it on the window. After dinner, I came back safely ...

1 1, watch China stock market during the day and watch China football at night. In less than half a year, you must eat Naer passion fruit to keep from going crazy.

12, decades have passed, people have already crossed the river, and leaders at all levels are still pretending to touch stones by the river!

13. In the supermarket, I saw a bound crab climb from the water tank of 18.9 yuan to the water tank of 28.9 yuan per catty. I was in tears. You're too fucking ambitious!

14, China No.1 consecutive champion: inspector of the deputy department level, who has relations with state leaders. When he visited the west, he only took three followers, never escorted police cars, and did not need public funds to eat and drink. Sometimes he even has to find food by himself. Followers often quit because they work too hard. He has visited the west for many years and met many foreign heads of state, and achieved great results. After returning home, he didn't ask for a promotion. He taught and educated all his life and had no property after his death. He is the Tang priest.

15. Her husband worked as a construction worker in Hebei. The project collapsed and he was killed. She demanded compensation, but the contractor refused. She sued the court, but lost. She appealed and lost again. She had to petition and came to Hebei from Shandong again and again. The authorities arrested her, locked her up and gave her medicine in a mental hospital. She escaped, went online for help, and was blocked and deleted. She couldn't climb over the wall, so she sat under the wall and cried every day, and finally she cried under the wall. She is Meng Jiangnv.

16. Recently, many leaders' offices caught fire every night in a city, and someone called 1 19 to call the police. The fire brigade was indifferent and refused to call the police. After the people complained, the answer was: the leader is burning a diary.

17, I remember the day my son was born, the nurse took him out of the delivery room. Being a father for the first time is exciting. I quickly took my son and habitually said, Come on, uncle, hug me, be good ... There was silence all around.

18, do you have the heart to live in a small house less than 10 square meter? Can you bear to watch your girlfriend fight with you all your life, or can't afford a suite? Do you have the heart to watch your parents scrimp and save their little pension to help you pay your mortgage? This is the place to realize your dream. Join us, with preferential treatment, complete facilities, free accommodation, a pair of big underpants and flip-flops, with a basic salary of $ AK47,800+commission, and a full-day mobile sea view suite. As long as there is a big job, buying a house in a big city is no longer a dream. Get two votes, go to the top, talk to Obama directly, it is no longer a distance. Don't hesitate, I will give you a sea area in exchange for a miracle of your life! —— Somali Pirate Human Resources Department

19, Tathagata said: Friar Sand, you can't become a Buddha. Your lines in Journey to the West are too few, only five lines: 1, big brother, Master has been taken away by monsters. 2. Second brother, the master was taken away by the monster. 3. Brother, the second brother was taken away by the monster. 4. Big Brother, Master, and Second Brother have been taken away by monsters. Don't worry, master, the master elder brother will come to save us.

20. Oriental Morning Post: Shanghai cemeteries have accounted for more than 70%, and in a few years, there will be a crisis that the dead have no place to bury them. Netizen reply: Let the leader die first!

2 1. On his way to study with his friends, his friend said to his classmates in a very envious tone, "I heard that your brother is playing football in China?" The classmate flew into a rage and said, "Your brother is a football player in China!"

22. Friend, are you depressed? Are you depressed? Do you lack self-confidence? Please buy a copy of Global Times immediately, replace "China" with "I", and make sure that your confidence explodes in five minutes, you dare to pry the atomic bomb with your bare hands, and you can block 70 yards with a horse stance just look.

The classic quotations of aestheticism make people sad.

1. Some people say that the person you can see with your eyes closed is the person you love the most.

2, I this person is this temper, as long as others ignore me, I won't have the cheek to bother. Your attitude determines my attitude. If you are silent to me, I have to be indifferent to you.

3, in fact, it is quite simple to forget someone: don't look, don't be mean.

One day, when you find that you can't remember what caused the injury, it's time to recover.

Being understood is lucky, but not being understood is not necessarily unfortunate. A person who places his own value entirely on the understanding of others is often worthless.

6. Marriage is not 1+ 1=2, but 0.5+0.5= 1, that is, two people cut off their personalities and shortcomings in half and then make do together to be complete.

7. In fact, you will never meet a few people who are really nice to you in your life.

Sometimes, a lie is just a kind of protection, and not knowing the truth is also a kind of happiness.

9. Everyone's soul is lonely, so we will try to find warmth in the crowd.

10, you don't have to fall in love with a beautiful person, but you must fall in love with someone who makes your life beautiful.

1 1. Why aren't we together? There are many reasons. But among all the answers, one is the saddest, that is, meeting the right person at the wrong time.

12, don't be depressed. Life is like an electrocardiogram. Smooth sailing proves that you are dead.

13, a man can only be stupid for a woman in his life, because he has to learn to be smart from now on; A woman can only give everything for a man in this life, because she has nothing from now on. So you will fall in love with many people in this life, but those who love you wholeheartedly are precious. Don't hurt a man's heart. Don't neglect a woman's life for you. Learn to be grateful and learn to love.

Let people see the classic philosophical quotations with profound understanding.

1, people are unhappy not only because of physical pressure, but also because of regret for the past and worry about the future.

For a person, knowing what he can't do is as important as knowing what he can do.

You should be old when your friends begin to praise how young you look.

We read the world wrong, but say it deceives us.

Wealth is like sea water. The more you drink, the more thirsty you are.

6. A short rest is to go further.

7. Making mistakes is not terrible. The terrible thing is the fear of making mistakes.

Youth is not a period of life, but a state of mind.

9. Those who know a little about fur always say it over and over again.

10, life is like a road, and the nearest shortcut is usually the worst one.

1 1. Too much desire will make us lose all hope.

12, if you can spend money to solve the problem, then you have no problem at all.

13. There is only one reason for going right, and there are many reasons for going wrong.

No one can win the world, but most people lose to themselves.

15, if you leaked your secret to the wind, you shouldn't blame the wind for leaking your secret to the forest.

16. You'll know what it is when you grow up. When I grow up, I deliberately say I don't know.

A classic love story that makes people laugh and cry.

A classic love story that makes people laugh and cry.

1. Walking together is fate. Going together is happiness.

2. The sweetest past is first love; The greatest despair is the death of the soul.

3. The right place, the right time, meet the right person, and fate will come.

Fate is a natural and mysterious spiritual force, which exists between people who meet.

5. the origin is destroyed, and there is no cause for gathering and dispersing.

6. Valentine's Day without a lover will feel a little lonely.

7. Fate is an accident of life and a coincidence of fate. No one can escape fate.

8. Fate is an arrangement in power, which is unpredictable and cannot be pursued deliberately.

9. The fate between people meets in life and is lost in life. Some people and you have always been soul mates, helping each other. Later, with the barrier of space and the passage of time, the fate changed from thick to light, and the change from light to no fate was not deliberately created. Fate is fate.

10. Life is always joking with us, and what you expect will be farther away from you; The person you are attached to will suffer the most. You don't have to look ahead and look back, and you don't have to be too persistent; Learn to let go, let go of unrealistic expectations, and let go of perseverance without results; Look down on everything, see through everything, everything is lost, and the last second has passed; Nothing can be left, so don't look back, only happiness and happiness now.

1 1. Every teenager is like a blue dust, alone in the inner corner, ignorant of the world and the past, just waiting for the arrival of the girl who makes her heart beat …

12. It is a fate that you came into this world. It is a fate that you get along with blue sky, green land, clear water and green hills. You are adjacent to white clouds, grass, mud and waves, which is a kind of fate. It is also a kind of fate that you accompany someone.

13. I will tell you happily and proudly that I will go on with you no matter the disease or the hardship, and I will cling to you and never give up. Will be touching you in our love nest. Let you enjoy the warmest love, the tenderest affection and the warmest home brought by a woman!

14. Meeting is fate, even if it is a quick glance; We are destined to love each other forever; Missing is like an invisible red line, the reason is sleepless; I've been waiting for you all my life, forever.

15. When the breeze blows over the cheeks, when the drizzle falls on the windowsill, the tears of missing flow freely. Pick up a petal and get soaked by falling tears. In the rain, who strung your lovesickness into a Qian Qian knot? In the wind, who lifted the painted face and made the beauty of the years feel dejected. It's just a blur printed on the eyes, and no one will understand.

16. Among thousands of people, you met the person you met. In thousands of years, in the boundless wilderness of time, you happened to catch up, neither too early nor too late.

17. Fate is like a circle. It has no beginning and no end, and it can't escape. Don't think about how to jump out of this circle, because it is impossible to jump out. You always live in a circle without realizing it. As long as you follow the rules in the circle, you will turn to your destiny and your opportunity.

18. Love is not practice. If you love, bring your heart, please love deeply. If you don't love, walk away with your hypocrisy.

19. I really want to be a heartless goldfish …

20. I stood where I was, not that I left first. What I am destined to have is waiting for him. I'm not going anywhere, just waiting for him. You don't understand why I put myself in a one-cycle situation. I can choose another move, but I am persistent.

2 1. ethereal light, too many explanations make the heart pale and no one can replace it. Occasionally, I will find that it is not who is waiting for him, but the heart.

22. I still remember the first conversation with you. You ignored me and made fun of my love for you. Perhaps words have made this relationship between me and you, and they have never actively urged me to approach you. Gradually, we get to know each other and know each other.

Finally, in the search, you and I floated to the same sky like two clouds. In the ancient Xiangmei, I stood in the wind with a smile. You recognized me at a glance in the crowd. In the warm winter sun, you look back affectionately and breathe carefully. The distant fragrance wafts gently, leaving you and me in a trance for a moment.

24. Pain can't freeze time, and true love is only enough to have once.

25. I know you have too many dreams in your heart, so I want to give you a hundred times happiness; I know you like being with me, so I choose not to give up. I can't lose my feelings for you and me, so I remember the days we walked together again and again and choose to cherish them.

26. If you miss love, you miss life.

27. I don't like quarrelling. I am angry and don't want to talk. Either don't make any noise or play and disappear. Or you didn't answer a sentence, or you just weren't online, didn't turn on your phone, didn't answer your text messages, and didn't answer your phone. But if you really don't come to me, I will only make sure that you really don't like me.

28. Rain grieves the wind and tears, and dreams linger.

29. I will watch the astronomical phenomena at night. Hotels and guesthouses will be full tonight, and countless girls will lose their virginity. Happily, someone else's future wife is lying in your bed. Sadly, your future wife doesn't know whose bed she is lying in. What's more tragic is that she lost her virginity in a one-yuan-a-night hotel, but today she asks you for a bungalow of 1000 yuan to marry you! Valentine's day, you know! !

30. Will there be such a short message, but after editing, it will eventually be deleted and quit?

3 1. All choices have a price, and no choice is perfect. If you choose bread, you may give up love; If you choose wealth, you may give up health; If you choose a career, you may give up your freedom ... all the choices can only be made by yourself. Therefore, when choosing, you must be clear about your ability to pay. A choice is a price, and different choices make different lives.

32. Fate is a wonderful thing. It's like a button falling on the sofa. When you want to find it, you can't find it, but when you start to forget it, it will appear in front of you.

I believe in fate. In the vast sea of people, there will always be a person with the same red line on his feet.

34. Romance is giving you an umbrella when it rains. Romantic rain is holding you in your arms when it is cold, romantic when you are happy, and romantic when your loved ones are around. What is romance? Maybe it's just a word, a look, a smile or a period of time! Maybe. . . . Nothing?

35. Fate is a coincidence. People who should have passed by each other met and fell in love. I believe in fate, and an invisible hand controls our fate.

36. I also believe in fate. I believe that one day, I will meet the only one destined in this life, so I will wait quietly until I meet him (her).

37. Fate is the continuation of previous life feelings, and fate is the passing of this life. Fate is an unchangeable oath in previous lives, and fate is a painful agreement in this life. Fate is an opportunity to be grasped, and fate is the transmission of love. Fate is a beautiful dream when we meet, and a bitter memory after parting.

38. In the vast sea of people, there is always someone waiting for you in an unknown place, and you came to this world just to meet him, hold hands with him and achieve lifelong love. This is destiny.

39. Life cannot be smooth sailing, there will always be twists and turns, and there will always be obstacles. Life is a naughty child. Maybe today it will give you everything, and tomorrow it will leave you with nothing. Don't worry, what should come will come, and the darkest night will have a moment of dawn.

40. No matter how tortuous life is, as long as you have a happy mind, you can survive the long night and usher in a better tomorrow.

4 1. I can still think that the beauty we have walked together will become the mark of our life. Never forget that we are warm and intertwined …

42. What is fate? Fate is an opportunity to grasp or lose, is the separation between people, is a lot of grievances in life, is a specious causal relationship.

43. Good love makes you see the whole world through one person, while bad love makes you abandon the world for one person. In this world, only truly happy men can bring real happiness to women. Horses stumble easily on soft soil, and people fall easily in sweet words. There are many people in this world who are not nice to each other, and quarreling can't solve the problem. Just ask yourself, is the other person worth it?

44. Sometimes I will be like a child who has done something wrong. Isn't it silly and cute?

45. Fate is the continuation of feelings in the previous life. Destiny is an unchangeable oath before the reincarnation of this life. Fate is a happy agreement that you and I talked about. Fate is a beautiful dream, a dream that we human beings can meet again.

46. You once said that you wouldn't leave me in your published articles, every word of my poems. But two years later, you can't help feeling deep thoughts and lost love in the snowy night, which makes you want to regain the love that has already been exhausted.

47. If one day, my life partner finds me. Then, I will not hesitate to pick her up. Then she blew her hair and whispered. Actually, I've been waiting for you …

48. In the emotional world, no one is nobler than others, only one is truer than others. If you are unhappy, please don't frown, but keep smiling, because someone is in love with your smile. To the world, you are one person; But to me, you are my world.

49. Things are like chess. It is inevitable and accidental that people can meet and know each other, or fall in love. In the dark, there is a saying or something called fate.