A joke that teased his wife.

My husband plays cards every day and often goes out at night. The wife was very angry and said, "If you do this again, I will take the man home for the night." Husband: "Whatever! But you should be careful not to pull my card friend. "

2. She: Can you believe me? He: Anyway! She: Will you hit me? He: Yes! She: Will you kiss me? He: No, why do you think so? She: Will you betray me? He: Of course! She: Do you love me? He: No, don't even think about it! She: May I leave? He: Long live! Finally! I can't wait!

3. A couple quarreled fiercely. Later, the husband regretted it and took his wife to the streets to see the carriage. Two horses dragged a full car with difficulty. Why can't we pull carts together like that and walk through life together? Husband's speech is inappropriate. "We won't do that," said the wife, "because there is a donkey among us!"

4. Wife: "Why do you always call me stupid?" Husband: "Men like to say that the woman they like is stupid." "Why?" "I am very happy to find the same kind."

Old rice complained to his wife after coming home from work: modern people are terribly sensitive. Whatever you say, they all think you are talking about them! The wife narrowed her eyes and said warily, you don't mean me, do you?

My husband always feels good about himself. In the morning, he wore the clothes he bought the day before and took a long photo in front of the mirror before going to work happily. When I came back at night, I asked him, "What happened? Many people praised you for being handsome today? " My husband shook his head in frustration, then cheered up and said, "Hum, they must be jealous of me."

7. One day, a couple went shopping. Because the husband can't speak Mandarin well, he often makes his wife very unhappy. The husband saw a watermelon and cut it into one big and one small. He asked his wife, do you want to defecate or urinate? Do you want large noodles or small noodles? )

8. A man saw his colleague change his lover's phone note to 10086 and made several emergency escapes, and did the same thing. One night, the man received a phone call from his lover in front of his wife for the first time, deliberately letting her see the caller ID: 10086. After reading it, the wife immediately grabbed the phone, scolded the spoiled woman on the phone, and then scolded her husband: "Are you stupid like an old lady?" As soon as you receive the card, 10086 will call you and visit relatives! "

9. One day, a gentleman was making out with a beautiful young lady in the office. It happened that his wife came to see him. Seeing this behind the scenes, she cried, husband, I never expected! This gentleman has always been particular about words. Hearing this, he immediately corrected his wife's words: honey, what you said is wrong. You should be surprised, but I never thought of it!

10, my wife and husband are watching TV. My wife is nearsighted, so she sits close to the TV. My husband is lying in the back, playing mobile phone and watching TV. Suddenly asked his wife, "How big is this TV?" My wife said 34. The husband said, "Oh, I think it's 17." His wife reacted for two minutes and gave him a fat beating. Just say I'm fat and get in your way.

1 1. The wife came home from work, and her husband warmly welcomed her, holding her hand and preparing to kiss as usual. Suddenly, he found that his wife's ring had changed a finger. He was surprised and asked his wife, Why did you wear the ring on the wrong finger? I saw my wife unhurriedly say: Yes, you didn't find it? Am I looking for the wrong husband?

12, wife: I am a good driver! Husband: You've only studied for a few days and achieved such results? Wife: When I drive, passers-by will run away!

13, the wife asked: How many years has your female secretary been in the company? Husband: Three or four years? Ask again: how old is she? A: Over thirty. I didn't specifically ask. One more question: Is she beautiful? Just so-so, just so-so Follow-up: How about getting dressed? Husband blurted out: very fast. ...

My husband and I have never quarreled. A woman shows off in high spirits. Didn't he argue when he was right? I don't know when he is right. There has never been such a time.

15, wife scolds husband: You got drunk when you came home last night! Who said I was drunk? Who is talking nonsense? You confessed at that time. No, what people say when they are drunk can count?

16, my husband always asks, "Wife, am I handsome?" The wife was too lazy to talk, and the husband said, "Tell me quickly, I can't wait." The wife said, "If you want me to say it at once, I have to say it was careless."

17, the wife said to her husband, "Now many people say I am fat and young." "Yes, not only fat, but also white!" "I didn't read it for nothing!" "I can see that." "Which one is white?" "hair!"

18, wife: "Is this dress nice?" Husband: "Not bad." Wife: "You just perfunctory me and want me to buy it and go home quickly." Wife: "Is that dress nice?" Husband: "Not good-looking." Wife: "You can't bear to buy it for me!" "

19, my wife didn't go home until the wee hours after playing mahjong. In order not to disturb her husband, she stripped off her clothes in the living room before entering the bedroom. Just when her husband woke up, he was furious: it's too much! You lost everything?

20. I am in a good mood today. I cooked a dish myself, which was delicious. Husband praised: "no matter whether cooking is good or not, as long as you dare to do it, you are out of low taste and only know how to eat."

2 1, my husband came home in a smelly sweat: "wife, give you a warm hug!" " Wife: "No, the hug you give me now may only be warm and affectionate."

22. When washing clothes, wash your wife's white skirt and jeans together. It's a tragedy after washing, the white skirt has turned into a blue skirt! After drying, I folded the skirt and put it on the table, waiting for my wife to review it! Who knows, when my wife came home and saw the blue skirt on the table, she jumped on me with joy and bit me several times. She also said: "Husband, the blue skirt you bought me is so beautiful, I love you to death!" ! "

23. In a women's clothing store, a young gentleman sat waiting for his wife to try on clothes. After fifteen minutes, his wife always tries on five sets of clothes. When his wife came out of the dressing room again, he looked her up and down and said, good, good. This dress fits me very well. Let's buy this! Honey, this is what I wore when I went out today.

24. The wife angrily scolded her husband: "Why did you peek at my diary?" "This ..." The husband was tongue-tied and talked for a long time. "How do you know?" The wife said calmly, "Because I just read your diary. It says that you peeked at my diary yesterday!" " "

25, the husband and wife quarreled, and the wife cursed: "You men are really as black as crows in the world." The husband casually said, "Crows in the world are generally black, regardless of sex."

Husband: America has been attacked. Wife: If you don't wash the dishes, you are next!

27. Husband: Why don't you watch TV after you turn it on every day? Wife: Because this is the only voice in this family that can accompany me!

28. I am dumb, but I won't argue with my wife, so after every quarrel, I will secretly raise my wife's electronic scale by 1 kg.

29. Wife: Have you seen a famous Japanese horror movie? Dave: What's the title of the book? Give me a hint! Wife: let me see ... yes, it was that late at night that I slowly approached you! Husband: well, it sounds terrible ... in the middle of the night, the ghost calls his wife: no husband: it's too difficult, I don't know! Wife: Hey, you are so stupid! Midnight comes (the bell rings)

30. Why do you buy cigarettes with the one-child fee you just received, and you don't think about your children at all! Don't I think about the children? Where did the cigarette case he played with come from?

3 1, my husband has a bad cold, lying in bed, and my wife is sitting on the sofa reading a magazine as if nothing had happened. The husband longed for his wife to come over and say a few affectionate words to comfort him, so he deliberately asked loudly, "Wife, what are you looking at?" The wife didn't look up and said, "I'm looking at a 37-degree woman." The husband was very depressed and dragged his eyes and said, "Wife, there is a 38-degree man in bed. Why don't you come and have a look? "

32. My wife has been complaining about poor breast development and asked her husband for money for breast augmentation surgery. Her husband repeatedly persuaded her not to listen, so she had to say to her: There is not enough money at home now, so we can't have injections at the same time. Do you want to play first? Since then, my wife has never asked for breast augmentation.

33. The old couple watched TV and suddenly broadcast the beauty contest live. When the old man saw it, he blushed and turned into the house. The old lady smiled: the old man is quite feudal. After a while, the old man came back and sat up straight with a pair of reading glasses on his face. ...

34. One night, the husband was sitting on the sofa watching TV, while the wife was reading a novel with relish. Looking at it, she closed the book and turned to her husband and said, "Red apples are always used to describe girls' faces in books. Do you think my face looks like a red apple? The husband looked at her and said, "Like, like a bad apple." "

35. A man rushed into the house and shouted to his wife, Martha, put your things away quickly. I just won the California lottery. Martha replied, should I prepare warm season clothes or winter clothes? The man said: I don't care about this, as long as you leave this house before noon!

Honey, don't you think I look like Venus? Like, exactly the same! It's just that I wonder why no one stole you.

37. Wife: Did you get the birth certificate? Husband: It's done. I was worried when I did it. Our marriage certificates are all wrinkled like that, for fear that others will see jokes. Wife: What happened later? Husband: I think the marriage certificate of the brother in front has become a puzzle, so I guess the couple have tossed a lot.

38. My wife annoys me-she even says I have no imagination! So I punched her in the face as if she had been punched.

39. Husband: Dear! What will you do if I die unfortunately? Wife: I wonder if you really love me? Husband: I love you more than anything. Wife: So, you won't let me keep my room.

40. A bowling fan went to buy cigarettes late at night and met a young lady. After a few words, he went to the young lady's house. At 3 o'clock in the morning, bowling fans asked the lady for some powder to put on their hands and then went home. "Shit, where have you been?" Cried the wife. "I went to buy cigarettes. When I met a young lady, I went to find her and came back after a sleep. " Answer. "Are you? Put your hand out! " The wife looked at her husband's hand. "Hum! Go bowling again! Also lie to me! "

4 1. Seeing that his wife used her birthday as her number, she bought a lottery ticket and wanted to buy a sports lottery ticket. As a writer's husband, he said worriedly, "If you do this, you will publish a book and win a prize." ?

42. A woman asked her programmer husband to go shopping: you go to a nearby store to buy some bread, and if you have eggs, buy six. Twenty minutes later, the husband bought six loaves of bread. The wife was surprised: "Why did you buy six loaves of bread?" ! "The programmer's husband replied," Because they have eggs. "

43. Wife: I'm pregnant. Husband: Great, son? Girls? Wife: Do you like boys or girls? Husband: A girl, of course. Wife: Don't you like boys? Husband: Husband, you should know that now the girl is China Merchants Bank and the son is China Construction Bank. According to the current situation, investment promotion is more reliable! Wife: But I'm pregnant with twins. Husband: it's okay, honey, you don't have to worry. Now sex-change surgery is very developed.

44. The frustrated husband said to his wife, "We don't have any money at hand, but we have to pay the utilities and medical bills on time. Which one should I hand in first? " "Of course, pay the utilities first. Doctors will never cut off your blood vessels. "

45. When there was a terrible quarrel, my wife suggested: I have two plans to end this quarrel. One is, or we all admit that I am right. What about the other one? The husband asked. Either we all admit that you are wrong. The wife said the second plan.

46. madam