Post-80s generation who are trying and making mistakes in marriage

The post-80s generation who are trying and making mistakes in marriage

What is the state of today’s post-80s generation in marriage? The following are the post-80s generation who are trying and making mistakes in marriage. Everyone compiled it and share it with you here.

1. Hard self

Why can’t you tell me your mobile phone password and QQ password? Suzhou girl Gu Liang, once asked this question by her ex-husband. My ex-husband feels that we must be honest with each other after marriage, and both parties should be open to each other. For this reason, he took the initiative to tell Gu Liang these passwords to prove his innocence.

Gu Liang was unwilling. Everyone has privacy. She wasn't guilty, but she felt distrusted.

The ex-husband persuaded me like this: Since it’s nothing, why would you rather maintain some indifferent privacy than give me a real sense of security?

She almost Almost convinced. Yes, it doesn't matter if you give it. Anyway, you have a clear conscience. But after thinking about it, it's still wrong. Since you have a clear conscience, you shouldn't give it. ?

?Do those born in the 1980s pay more attention to their privacy? Someone asked this on a well-known domestic forum. Among the 45 replies, most of them were sentences like "Trust is more important" and "Give each other space". Every Spring Festival, a "speech outline for relatives' gatherings" focuses on personal privacy issues such as marriage, having children, buying a house, and salary, causing many netizens to complain and scream.

Teachers Song Lei and Li Xiao of Qingdao University Teachers College once conducted a questionnaire survey among 1,201 people born in the 1980s across the country. The conclusion showed that among the life values ??of the post-80s generation, the top five items with the highest scores were privacy, responsibility, and mutuality. Reliance, achievement, belonging? Chinese people originally lack the Western concept of privacy based on individualistic values. However, this study shows that years of reform and opening up have had a profound impact on Chinese people's concepts. ?

The post-80s generation grew up with the Internet. With the expansion of higher education enrollment in the 1990s, the proportion of college students and Internet users born in the 1980s is much higher than that of the previous generation. The reform and opening up policy has allowed social wealth to accumulate, culture and values ??to diversify, and the individualism and rights awareness of the post-80s generation to become more prominent, with concepts such as freedom, equality, and rights.

Even in marriage, Gu Liang still insists on some of his "bottom lines". For example, she is unwilling to wash her husband's underwear. She feels that underwear and panties are too private. She doesn't do much checking and rarely interferes with her husband's finances or finances.

However, in the eyes of his father-in-law and mother-in-law, this is Gu Liang's biggest "crime". When the two parties were getting divorced, my parents-in-law brought this article out: "You even refused to wash our son's underwear. How dare you say that you love him after marriage? When your husband lived at his parents' house, your mother-in-law washed your underwear."

As for non-interference in the economy, my parents-in-law think that you don’t care about him at all, and you are the same as not married!

However, I gave him He has so much freedom!? Gu Liang was equally aggrieved.

She has been unwilling to give her her mobile phone password and QQ password. Once, when she was not prepared, her husband snatched the phone, changed the login password on his own, and started to check her chat history. For this reason, the two had a big fight.

?Everyone is accustomed to being self-centered and has less awareness of sharing. ?Recalling his married life, Gu Liang told the reporter of China News Weekly. What really bothered her was that both of them were a little bit picky about how much they had to pay for their family.

For example, the two were still living in different places when they got married, about 3 hours' drive apart. Every weekend, Gu Liang goes to the city where her husband lives, but her husband never comes over on his own initiative, and the two gradually develop differences. From going once a week to once every other week, and finally not going for a month, she became more and more discouraged. Why was it that I was the only one going there but not you?

Her husband was struggling with * **Same as deposit. The two had discussed a savings plan before they planned to have children. The husband said that he saves 5,000 yuan a month and Gu Liang saves 3,000 yuan. Gu Liang, a civil servant whose monthly income is only more than 3,000 points, expressed his opposition. The husband insisted that if Gu Liang did not survive, neither would he. As a result, the issue was not discussed and the deposit plan was ultimately aborted.

Both husband and wife were unwilling to bow their heads, and their relationship was at loggerheads for a time. Several times, Gu Liang still drove 3 hours to the city where her husband lived, but was unwilling to tell her husband that he would spend the weekend alone in his new house and then drive back by himself. At that time, I thought that I was doing the right thing. And shouldn't he take the initiative to return to his home?

Nowadays, after the divorce, Gu Liang occasionally reflects on himself, is he too harsh, and should his posture be lowered? For these small, tough things Is it worth the self-esteem? After thinking about it again and again, her answer is still, "You can't settle for perfection, you have to have your own bottom line."

I think the difference between the post-80s generation and their parents is that they are not willing to improvise. If you feel it's not suitable, you won't be together. Unlike our previous generation, even if they are not suitable, they can make do with each other for a lifetime for various reasons. ?A divorcee left this message to a reporter from China News Weekly.

However, the people born in the 1980s are sometimes too "make do". Bai Yu, a partner and lawyer at Beijing Yifeng Law Firm who has been practicing for more than ten years, once came into contact with a couple born in the 1980s. Both parties were civil servants in their thirties, and there was no external reason for the divorce. They just quarreled and fought over trivial matters such as who washed the dishes and who cooked. They did not understand and trust each other, and finally went to court.

The couple’s petty thinking made him laugh and cry. The two of them were worried about the same thing: "If I wash the dishes today, it means I will wash the dishes in the future."

There are other inexplicable reasons for divorce. Liu Zheng, a partner at Beijing Guoli Law Firm, once saw a couple born in 1989 sue the court because of unfair distribution of Transformers. The two had no objections to the distribution of property. They took away what their parents had purchased. In the end, they quarreled over the ownership of the Transformers.

Standing up for yourself is also a double-edged sword. Especially for those born in the 1980s, they are a body of contradictions under the impact of traditional education and modern concepts. As the first generation of only children in New China, they grew up in a relatively favorable environment. Having no brothers and sisters, little experience in collective life, more emphasis on self-feeling, unwillingness to suffer losses, not giving easily, and rarely considering issues from the other person’s perspective? This makes the marriage life of the post-80s generation full of hidden dangers.

2. Trial and error in marriage

The special situation in China is that many parents do not allow students to fall in love, and even in universities there are many parents who are opposed to falling in love. But as soon as they graduate from college, all parents hope that a person who is excellent in all aspects and who will preferably own a house will fall in love with their children and get married. ?This is a passage circulated on the Internet by Han Han, a writer born in the 1980s. The next sentence is, "What a beautiful thought." ?

I have to admit that those born in the 1980s are a generation that lacks emotional experience and marriage education. I was prevented from falling in love when I was young, but was urged to get married after I started working. ?Compared with the previous generations, they are the first generation after the reform; and compared with the subsequent generations, they grew up in the early stages of the reform before it was fully implemented. ?Li Chunling said,?The coexistence, entanglement and gradual change of the two systems, the contradiction and rupture between slogans and practice, internally tear this generation apart, leaving them always in an awkward and self-contradictory position. ?

When Wang Bo, a 35-year-old Beijing man, got married, the other party was his first love? Although vaguely, he always had a little knot in his heart.

My wife once had a boyfriend who was Wang Bo’s colleague and good friend. This matter was discovered after Wang Bo got married. The two insisted that they had no contact again, but Wang Bo, who felt deeply betrayed, could not convince himself. For a period of time, he would think about it every morning when he woke up, and his chest would feel as if there was a weight on his chest.

This became a dark background for their married life. After a few years of bumping into each other, his wife cheated on him and they divorced.

?Maybe at that time, I shouldn’t be so worried. ?Now, Wang Bo begins to reflect on himself.

However, no one told him what to do at that time. He spent his college years under his parents' love ban. There was only one ambiguous crush, and the two became pen pals. Other than that, there is almost no love experience. In universities at that time, if college students fell in love and lived together, they might be deemed by the school to be in violation of school disciplines and rules. In serious cases, they might be ordered to drop out of school.

In his childhood, there was little intimacy between his parents.

In the second grade of junior high school, there is a physiological hygiene class. Pictures of male and female sexual organs are clearly printed on the textbooks, and they are required to study the class on their own. When it comes to puberty education in the third year of high school, the teacher is vague. There is also a class teacher who is famous for being strict. If he sees a boy and a girl walking side by side on the way to school, he will walk in between them and force them to separate.

After the divorce, Wang Bo met a girl born in the 1990s. The other party told him that he had had 4 boyfriends. Wang Bo was surprised, but the girl disagreed. Love also needs to be experienced. Only in this way can you slowly know what you need and what is suitable for you.

?Our generation did not grow up in love, and ended up making mistakes in marriage. ?Wang Bo was greatly shocked.

Wang Jun, deputy director of the China Marriage and Family Consulting Service Research Center and senior divorce and family counselor, has been engaged in marriage work for more than 20 years. He once met a special couple. Both parties were in love for the first time, but they never had an intimate relationship after marriage. My wife is a strong woman and seldom cares about her family. Later, her husband had an affair, and after contacting her neighbors, she realized that happiness was not what she wanted in life.

?Similar situations are likely to occur among many men and women who fall in love for the first time and enter marriage. Their inherent lack of comparison and choice is actually problematic. ?Wang Jun told a reporter from China News Weekly.

After China’s reform and opening up, there are often too many choices and temptations. Cheating and cheating have become a major reason for divorce among those born in the 1980s. In the divorce cases handled by lawyer Liu Zheng, most of the third parties are colleagues, friends, and subordinates around the couple. Men and women of this age have passed the age of seeking excitement online. Therefore, unlike imagination, online dating and one-night stands are both Not exactly a trigger for divorce. ?

Liu Zheng said that when making more phone calls, eating more meals, and sending text messages can bring you excitement and heart-pounding emotional experience, no one will refuse, but they will not take the initiative to cut off the button. Only when there is substantial progress, people will feel moral pressure. Some couples with good original emotions will turn left and return to the family; otherwise, they will turn right and eventually develop into divorce, which cannot end.

3. The divorce rate is highest after 3 years of marriage

Two assistant judges of the Shanghai Second Intermediate People’s Court, Pan Yonglu and Shen Yan, studied the 2011-2012 Shanghai 200 divorce cases in a certain district court. At least one party in these cases is born in the 1980s, and they all applied for divorce rather than settling the case through mediation.

There are warnings about "three-year pain and seven-year itch" in marriage. They found that for the marriages born in the 1980s, this time has been advanced. 26% applied for divorce within two years of marriage, more than 40% applied for divorce within three years, and very few applied for divorce after seven years of marriage, only 9%.

One case is this: a couple born in the 1980s met on November 1, 2008, got married 16 days after meeting, and then filed for divorce less than a year later on the grounds of lack of understanding. Another professor also mentioned that the fastest speed he knew for young people born in the 1980s to get married and divorced was 25 minutes.

? The post-80s generation lacks the patience to run in and adapt to each other, their irrational knowledge and understanding of marriage, and their own personality problems, which have led to an overall advance in filing for divorce and a surge in the number of people applying for divorce. This cannot but be said to be the manifestation of the impetuous spirit of society in individuals. ?The two assistant judges judged this way.

Meng Xue, a girl from Yinchuan, Ningxia, completed the entire process from blind date to marriage within one month. In early December 2014, she had a blind date with her ex-husband, got engaged on the 14th of that month, and got married on the 20th. The day of the wedding ceremony was only the fifth time they met.

After a week of blind date, the boy asked the matchmaker to go directly to Meng’s house to propose marriage. Meng Xue was a little confused. The blind date only lasted half an hour. Accompanied by both parents, they had few direct conversations. After that, they didn't even have text messages or phone calls, so why did they suddenly want to get married?

Her impression of her ex-husband was that he was over 1.7 meters tall and his appearance was okay. She originally wanted to postpone it until the Lunar New Year, but she couldn't resist her parents who were urging her to get married due to illness, so she agreed immediately. What's more, she is already 27 years old, and she is one of those people in the local area who marry late, have children late, and are criticized by others.

A week after the marriage, she quickly felt something was wrong: her husband was too indifferent to her.

He rarely smiled and was silent while eating. Even if there is a reply, it is usually an interjection like "Huh? Ah?". Except for saying "I like" once on the second day of the wedding, my husband never expressed any emotion.

At the end of February 2015, the two agreed to divorce. Meng Xue calculated the days clearly and the marriage lasted 2 months and 5 days.

?Until today, I have never understood why I got married or why I got divorced. ?Meng Xue said. She walked into the siege in a daze and exited scarred. Now, she is dating again. The only lesson this marriage taught her was not to get married casually, but to understand deeply.

Bai Xiao, a girl from Guangxi, only got along with her husband for about a month before getting married. She grew up in the city and her family has excellent conditions; but her husband comes from the countryside and is what people call a "Phoenix Man". She thought there was no relationship at first, but unexpectedly, the gap between them caused a deepening estrangement between the two and ended in divorce.

The two people have very different views on money. My husband was very cruel to me. His hand was cut and he would only go to a small clinic for a few stitches. He was unwilling to go to a big hospital because he said it was a waste of money. When she was pregnant, Bai Xiao had no appetite and often bought group-buying coupons to go out to eat. The amount was only 10 to 20 yuan, and her frugal husband complained about spending it too much.

Once financial issues are involved, the husband becomes extremely sensitive. Once, the two bought a microwave oven and gave it to their in-laws in the countryside. Bai Xiao remembered that her husband's family still used iron bowls, so she told her that your family should buy some porcelain bowls that can be put in the microwave. Unexpectedly, her husband immediately darkened his face: "Do you think our family is poor?!"

What Bai Xiao couldn't bear even more was that her husband's family favored sons over daughters. After their daughter was born, her husband came to the hospital to see the mother and daughter, but there was only three or four meters between them in the hospital bed, and he gently raised his chin. The mother-in-law took a horoscope test and concluded that this daughter will beat her father in the future and must not be called "dad" from now on.

Xiaolou, a 37-year-old man from Hubei, just divorced last year. In 2007, when he returned home after being demobilized from the army, he was introduced to a 26-year-old rural girl. Xiaolou runs a stainless steel business in his hometown on a small budget, with an annual income of 50,000 to 60,000 yuan, which is enough for his family to live well in a county-level city.

However, wives born in the 1980s would rather go to work in coastal cities than stay at home. Her not-so-gentle husband, parents-in-law, and a large family lived together, which was far from the warm and romantic small family life she imagined. In the end, she chose "The world is so big, I want to see it."

Research by Pan Yonglu and Shen Yan found that among 200 divorce cases in Shanghai, 23% applied for divorce due to lack of sufficient understanding before marriage. Because they had only been together for a short time, they lacked understanding of each other's living habits, attitudes toward marriage, bad habits, and even the personalities of their parents. In the end, they became desperate because the marriage did not meet expectations and chose to give up on the marriage.

? Marry because you don’t understand? And separate because you understand? ? Flash marriage and divorce have become a symbol of freedom and independence for the post-80s generation, but it is this hasty marriage that lays hidden dangers for divorce. Behind this is the lack of long-term thinking and planning for their lives among those born in the 1980s.

4. Parents become a third party?

Do not fold quilts or do laundry. Every time he eats, his mother will take the initiative to put the rice in front of her son. Playing games for a long time and sleeping until 12 noon. ?Looks like an adult, but is actually still a child. ?This is how Gu Liang described his 32-year-old ex-husband.

At the end of the 1970s, the country implemented a family planning policy in order to control population and achieve sustainable economic development, creating a total of more than 100 million "only children". Statistics show that among the post-80s generation, one in every five is an only child, and more than 70% of them have urban household registration.

An only child born in the 1980s, she grew up under the care of her parents. Buying a house or a car when you get married, raising children after marriage, almost everything requires help from your parents. Under the dual economic and psychological dependence, the bond between the only children born in the 1980s and their parents is particularly close. Therefore, parents are involved in the marriage of those born in the 1980s.

Before getting married, Yan Fei, a girl from Yangzhou, formally explained to her husband that she could not live with her parents after marriage. She hopes that her husband will really grow up: he is an only child, he has been pampered since he was a child, and he is the kind who doesn't even know how to take his underwear from the bath. Upon hearing this request, the husband was noncommittal.

One month after the wedding, my parents-in-law suddenly brought their luggage and came directly to the wedding room and stayed there.

From then on, Yan Fei began to live a life controlled by her mother-in-law. My mother-in-law set many rules in life. For example, the clothes in the wardrobe should be folded more neatly than in the shopping mall. Winter woolen coats cannot be hung in the closet and must be put into vacuum storage bags. When putting on shoes at the door of her house, she naturally put her hands on the shoe cabinet, but she was criticized: "Are your hands dirty? How can you put them on the shoe cabinet?!"

Her mother-in-law even It is stipulated that if you need to urinate, you can only use one compartment of toilet paper. Also, you must put the gasket on the toilet up when you are finished.

It is difficult for Yan Fei to understand. Isn't it supposed to be a man's job to lift the washer? My mother-in-law insisted that she do so. Every time she came out of the bathroom, her mother-in-law would ask if the gasket was put up?

As time went by, Yan Fei felt that she was suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. Late one night, she suddenly sat up from the bed while she was asleep, and said to herself: Have you lifted up the toilet seat? Then, in a hazy state, she got out of bed, went straight to the bathroom, and lifted up the gasket.

?I think your parents and I are equal. You can respect them, but don't just obey them. Yan Fei became more and more depressed, so she asked her husband if she could rent another house in the community for her parents-in-law to live there, not under the same roof, but within a "bowl of hot soup" distance.

The mother-in-law disagreed: "How have I failed you? You want to live separately from me? My son and I will not live separately!"

China Marriage and Family Counseling Service Research Center Deputy Director Wang Jun calls parents the "third party" in marriages born in the 1980s. Many people have no so-called brothers and sisters. When they encounter problems, the only way to solve them is to talk to their parents. However, parents are absolutely on the side of their children. Generally, there is no room for parents to get involved, and the problem will escalate. ?

He gave an example of a wife locking her husband out. The first two times, the husband went to the office, which was a matter between husband and wife; the third time, the husband went to his mother-in-law's house. The mother-in-law called the daughter-in-law, "Your husband is here with me, don't worry." After that, the mother-in-law had a huge prejudice against her daughter-in-law.

?In many divorced families I come into contact with, the parents often follow suit. After the quarrel, the parents-in-law and parents-in-law are still scolding each other over the phone, even if one is in the northeast and the other is in the south. ?Wang Jun said.

Yan Fei and her husband finally had a conflict because of her mother-in-law. After her daughter was born, her mother-in-law insisted on following the local recipe and wiping the folds with alum to prevent eczema. Yan Fei was unwilling. She had previously sought the advice of a doctor, but the doctor opposed this, saying that cooked alum was a chemical and that pine pollen or talcum powder could be used instead.

My mother-in-law didn’t listen. When Yan Fei and her husband were discussing whether to use alum in the room, her mother-in-law broke into the door, her hands trembling with anger: "Don't be so self-righteous!" The next thing is, "You have strong wings, it's incredible, we are parents." Not easy? Such words.

Yan Fei, who was still in confinement, spoke back for the first time. Her mother-in-law asked her to apologize, otherwise,? I will ask my son to divorce you!?

Yan Fei's mother was also in the room at this time, so naturally she did not want to see her daughter suffer this injustice. On this day, the two mothers had a verbal spat and officially broke up.

When her daughter was one year old, Yan Fei’s marriage finally ended? Just as they were urging them to get married, both parents supported and encouraged their divorce with great enthusiasm.

Now, Yan Fei says that she does not resent her ex-husband, on the contrary, she feels a little sorry for him. This only son and "Mama's boy" who was submissive in front of his parents did not dare to make his own decision until he went to the divorce court. Every time the judge asked the client what his opinion was, he would first call his parents.

5. Women who are both strong and weak

In Liu Zheng’s law firm, people born in the 1980s often come to consult. One day, the daughter of one of his father's friends came to him and said that the husband wanted to divorce her. The reason he gave was: "He thinks I am very unfaithful." When asked more carefully, the man said that she often shed dandruff on the sheets due to dry skin in winter, which he couldn't bear.

Liu Zheng told her that this was unreasonable. Didn’t you lose skin flakes before? Why didn’t he feel uncomfortable before? The girl was inspired, and went back to find signs that the man had changed his mind and cheated, and filed for divorce.

Another girl came to Liu Zheng and asked a lawyer to help dissolve the cohabitation relationship and distribute the property of the couple during the half-year period of cohabitation. The man's reason for breaking up was that he thought she smelled. Liu Zheng asked: Didn’t he find you interesting before?

Liu Zheng told China News Weekly that he didn’t know whether these girls were really stupid or pretending to be stupid. They often believed them for some inexplicable reasons. Reduced to the facts, this girl met a man on QQ, chatted happily, came to Beijing to meet and live together, and then was cheated. She wanted to get some compensation for this relationship, but what kind of property could she get from living together for the past six months? Liu Zheng said that when she grows up and matures, she will realize that this is really just a joke.

?Looking at the right person? is considered to be the easiest thing at the moment. ?I think he is quite humorous. I had a lot of fun eating and watching movies with him. ?Liu Zheng often hears young girls around him say this, ?such young children still feel that they are true love after falling in love eight times, crying every time, and quickly falling into the next relationship every time. ?Liu Zheng said that of course such feelings cannot be said to be mature, nor can they form the cornerstone of marriage. Young women have limited understanding of love and emotions, and their ability to love and reason have nothing to do with their education and income.

A woman Wang Jun knew filed for divorce because her husband was shirtless. The man's family is very casual. His father-in-law and mother-in-law are shirtless in the summer. They even pretend to be in front of their daughter-in-law before the marriage, but they have no scruples after the marriage. The woman thinks that the man's family is vulgar and completely unacceptable.

The man who came to Wang Jun for consultation was very surprised and completely incomprehensible: "We are fine, there is no problem. You must have had an affair before getting divorced, otherwise how could it be possible because of being shirtless or something like that?" What are the reasons for divorce?

A divorce lawsuit that lawyer Liu Zheng once handled went like this: the man is the CEO of a Hong Kong listed company with a net worth of tens of billions; the woman has an overseas study background and is young and highly educated. There is no third party between the two parties. Because the company's stock price is involved, the man is not willing to divorce easily, but the woman insists on time and effort and does not hesitate to hire a lawyer to fight the lawsuit.

What surprised Liu Zheng was that while the woman was fighting a divorce lawsuit with the man, she was still preparing to have a second child. Her reason was to prevent the eldest son from facing the loneliness of being a half-mother.

Among 200 divorce cases in Shanghai, only 40% were filed by men, while 60% were filed by women. Research by assistant judges Pan Yonglu and Shen Yan found that,? Although the proportions are not in line with ordinary people's expectations, they are not unreasonable. Because women born in the 1980s, especially those living in cities, received the same pampering and education as men during their growth. They generally have strong economic independence and do not consider themselves to be a vulnerable group. They pursue equality, a strong sense of happiness and dignity in love and family. ?

In fact, in the marriages born in the 1980s, the traditional family marriage model of "men taking charge of outside and women taking charge of home" is slowly dissolving. The economic independence of each and the increasing awareness of women have impacted the original social role expectations of both husband and wife, and also given women more freedom to pursue independent demands, individual marriage concepts and life choices.

Liu Zheng said that if a man cheats, many women, including intellectual women, will choose to endure it in order to maintain their marriage and for the sake of their children; but if a woman cheats, men will choose to divorce without saying anything. This is the norm in court.

In modern society, most women who actively choose to divorce have a good knowledge structure, income level, social status, etc., which can allow them to maintain a considerable standard of living after divorce, and then they will have the confidence to divorce. A young woman from Hebei once came to Liu Zheng and asked for a divorce. The lawyer helped her analyze and found that once she left the man, she would be unlikely to be independent, let alone support her parents. The girl finally decided to go back and make do.

?The high divorce rate has nothing to do with ethics. How many modern people get married because of pure feelings? If the feelings are not pure when they get married, and factors such as appearance, family background, property, education, and even vanity are all motivations for marriage, then it is not surprising that they will divorce later. . ?Liu Zheng concluded.

However, a high divorce rate is not necessarily a bad thing. The divorce rate in China used to be low because people were able to make do with it and grow old due to pressure from public opinion, organizational interference, or other reasons, but modern people cannot. They emphasize the freedom of individuality, the emancipation of the mind, and their own happiness. Modern people no longer want to make do with it, even those born in the 1960s and 1950s.

?Unfortunate families are alike, and happy families each have their own happiness. ?Liu Zheng said that most of the European and American middle class's loyalty to marriage comes from inner restraint and religious beliefs. At this stage, the impact of Chinese education on people is far from being transformed into self-discipline.

Western society has also experienced a process from sexual liberation to return to tradition. Maybe one day, when China’s middle class group also tends to be large and stable, after experiencing chaos, freedom, and helplessness, We will eventually choose to return to the stability of our family, and only by listening to our own hearts can we feel the return of family, responsibility, and emotion, and understand the meaning of loyalty. ? ;