20-year-old love on Mekong River.

In the summer of 20 19, I boarded a cruise ship alone and started a one-month trip to the Mekong River, passing through six countries. During this trip, I got to know some fellow travelers, Japanese, Vietnamese, China, European tourists, all kinds of skin and languages.

The setting sun seems to be crushed and sprinkled on the river. The Yellow River is suffused with the color of peacock blue, and the ship gradually moves to the depths of the river.

I am a girl from China, and I ran to the Vietnamese River. A white cotton skirt with a ponytail. Because of dryness, the skin on my face is covered with tiny dander.

I am still young and beautiful, and love is a matter of course for me.

I turned around and saw a blond British man smiling at me with a glass of red wine. He speaks fluent Chinese: "You are so beautiful."

"You are also very handsome." I looked up and stared at his eyes. It's sapphire blue.

He is my boyfriend. We met on this ship. Women's desire for men is as natural as drinking water. If she has him, she will walk slowly on the street with his shoulder, which will attract many women's attention. I chuckled.

This year, I am 20 years old.

I think of my mother. On New Year's Eve, the street was cold and windy. I took my mother's hand and walked on the snowy street.

I looked up and saw large tracts of snowflakes spinning and falling. In the street, a child rode on his father's shoulder, waving a colorful light stick in his hand, blushing with cold and giggling out loud. I pulled my mother's clothes and asked her, "Why don't I have a father?"

Mom picked me up. Said: "everyone's life is flawed, don't worry about it." You are mine and have nothing to do with anyone. " She kissed me, mixed with a confusing perfume. We live alone in a snowy street.

I was seven years old.

I prefer a window seat in the cabin dining room. I can look up at the scenery by the river while eating or drinking coffee.

An oriental man was eating bread across from me and staring at me with malicious intent. His eyes told me that he was a pure and uncontroversial man.

His name is Katatonsuke, and he is an athlete from Tokyo. He recently went to Vietnam on vacation.

Xiu Jie's cabin is next door to mine. Every night, there comes the sound of an incomprehensible English CD, which slowly tears like satin in the dark.

I knocked on his door and asked him whose song it was.

"Utoda." He said. He is a beautiful oriental man, with a delicate crew cut, wearing a large white cotton shirt and blue jeans with British patches, with a charming smile.

I went into the house with him, listened to music together, and looked at each other in the dark. It felt beautiful.

Mom has no love, no man's kiss, no comfort, no hug. She only has me.

But she didn't hug me or kiss me.

I long for any kind of love, because there will be kisses and hugs.

I am 20 years old this year.

British men's skin gives off a stale smell, like moldy smell. But his eyes, lips and blond hair are beautiful. I like his lips, just like biting a ripe purple apple with my teeth. I stared at his sapphire blue eyes and reached out to touch his short hair.

He is my boyfriend, but I know very well that there is no love between us. Get along, just need each other.

I envy Yusuke because he works by physical strength. Although tired, but emotionally innocent.

In the evening, Xiu Jie invited me to dinner, and what I ordered here was luxurious western food. I was very happy and excited all afternoon. Su Su took great pains to think it was a formal date. I put on an embroidered lace skirt that I bought from the market. The sling can show my delicate shoulders. The skirt is like a fish's tail, and it will follow the steps under my feet over my bare calf.

I got everything ready and smiled in the mirror. I am young and beautiful, and worthy of love.

Xiu Jie is sitting at the table. He ordered two steaks, some desserts, fish, small mushrooms, a bottle of red wine and some seafood like oysters.

"You changed your clothes today," he said. "Give people a different feeling."

"What do you think is good?"

"You are beautiful and won't change because of your clothes."

I shook the goblet in my hand, looked up and took a sip, then laughed loudly.

Xiu Jie has an old CD player. He likes Utoda's songs and takes me to the moon. The name of this song is beautiful, and it is the first song played on the moon by human beings. I like Utoda's voice, which is magnetic, vigorous, natural and uninhibited, giving people room for reverie.

Xiu Jie bit her lip slightly and blushed. I like such a young and clever boy.

"Can you be my girlfriend?" He asked.

I really want to laugh. I reached out and stroked his smooth satin cheek. In fact, I should have guessed the purpose of inviting me out long ago, just for the love he knows. I think he is a fool, preparing food for me and then expressing his desire for my love. What a waste.

"I'll think about it." I said.

"I will wait for you." He said.

When I was seven years old, I lived in Jiangnan, in an old wooden attic house. I like to wear a white cotton skirt, red embroidered shoes embroidered with gold thread, pink nail polish on my feet, and no socks. When climbing the stairs, I made a loud noise on purpose, "cheep" and "cheep". My childhood is like a dim old movie, which turns slowly and has no waves.

My mother runs a hotel alone. She is smart, kind, honest and frank. She likes to help the poor and those who have no friends here. I like her dress, her own cheongsam, slightly hot curly hair and earrings inlaid with two little pearls. The fragrance used is unique and mellow. She is an indescribable woman. She doesn't need to rely on men to live, and she won't change for men. She will not be unrecognizable because of her family. She is her own and belongs to no one. Therefore, I will not see my father in the past, present and future. He gave me life, but our lives have nothing to do with each other.

Like every child in a single-parent family, I will open my eyes and ask my mother, "Where is Dad?"

My mother will smile, put her hand on my forehead and say to me, "You are mine and have nothing to do with any man."

My mother is everything to me, her life is my religion, I am the continuation of her life, and we are the closest people to each other.

Until she died of breast cancer. In the hospital corridor, before she entered the operating room, I held her hand and said nothing. Her palms are cold and dry. Then I watched her pushed into the operating room, and she never got off the operating table again.

After my mother died, the hotel was taken away by my relatives and I was sent to an orphanage. My memory of the orphanage is that the grumpy teacher didn't like me and gave me very little food. In her class, I would sneak out and walk alone on the playground with dirty tears on my face. There is also a big banyan tree beside the iron gate of the orphanage, with lush foliage and huge green leaves dancing and stretching in the sun. I take off my shoes at noon and night, and I can climb to the top of the tree after three or two times. My legs are hanging naked, the dew is cool, and the stars in the night sky are bright. The skirt was washed yellow and the ponytail was fluffy and messy. I have several Hemingway books, and my mind is full of strange fantasies.

I fell asleep in the tree and dreamed that my mother was sitting on the branch next to me. She is as beautiful as a few years ago, with a familiar perfume smell, but her long black hair hangs over her shoulders like a black waterfall. She put her hand on my forehead. Her hands, soft and cold.

"You need to find a good man and fall in love." She said to me.

Actually, I know her loneliness She misses her father. Men may not like women but need women, but women like a man and love him very much, so there will only be one man in her heart all her life.

"You need to find a good man and fall in love." She said to me.

This is the last sentence she left me. I am 10 years old this year.

"Your mother loves you very much." The Englishman put his hand on my forehead and he wiped my skin with the back of his hand.

"yes." I answered him and asked, "I want to have a rich and strong love." Are you willing to be a person who does this to me? "

"You lack a father's love and want a man much older than you to love you, but I just lust after your youth and beauty. Our love is just a transaction. " He said.

This is not love. I deeply understand that love is a luxury that not everyone can afford. But passion without love is good.

I put my arms around the British man and started kissing his blonde hair, eyebrows and eyes, as if sucking the stale smell on his skin. He hugged me, too, and his arm was very strong, just like when I was a child, I saw other partners being hugged by my father.

Yusuke gave me a photo. A beautiful woman, wearing a pink lace skirt with a small cherry blossom pattern on it. She stood on a new bridge, facing the rough sea, and the sea breeze was swift and grand, dazzling her long hair. She turned around and smiled at the camera, pale and charming.

"This is my girlfriend." Xiu Jie said.

"She is very beautiful." I smiled.

"But she is dead." Xiu Jie pendency head, burst into tears.

"Why?"

"I was lying on the roof with her, and she asked me if I really loved her. She doesn't believe me, and she wants to guess with me, saying that the loser should jump from here first, and then another person will jump. She lost, ran to the rooftop fence without looking back, smiled at me and jumped. I saw her fall on the marble at the bottom of the building. I thought this was a joke. I know, I'm sorry she ... "

Speaking of which, Xiu Jie was more than I could bear, kneeling on the deck, burying his face in his hand and crying.

I looked down at him and didn't want to give him any comfort. I hate naked tears in front of others. What a shame.

"Soosuke," I said, "we are not suitable."

He looked up with tears on his face. I didn't kneel down and hand him the tissue because I thought it would be good for him to cry alone.

I went to the bow and smoked a kind of cigarette made in Vietnam, which was cheap. The taste is dry, bitter and spicy, which makes people feel dizzy and want to vomit.

In the villages on both sides of the river, there are simple and beautiful wooden houses flashing in the light, and residents walk together by the river. Tropical trees with huge green leaves, beautiful and exotic flowers, unknown animals with big yellow eyes, the cry of owls and the breeze.

The English man hugged me behind my back and his familiar lips brushed my neck. I turned around, put my finger against his lips and said to him, "If I jump and die, will you jump with me?"

"This is impossible. Let's not think about such questions, shall we, dear? " He started kissing me again, and I didn't refuse.

I think Soosuke will say that he will be with me. I believe it's true, even if it's a lie, I'd like to be cheated like that.

"Let's go and play." The Englishman hugged me and took me to a small bar on the boat. In the bar, I sat in a corner, drinking cold draft beer and smoking spicy cigarettes. The Englishman sat opposite him. His face was so pale that it became ferocious and twisted under the changing lights in the bar, like a wild animal.

I smiled, raised my cup and turned my head away from him.

In a bar not far away, Xiu Jie is drinking whisky on the rocks, and his cheeks are flushed. When he saw me, his expression changed greatly. I'm sure he saw me He shook his body, pushed his way through the crowd and came to me. I can feel that he is confused or angry.

"Who is he?" Soosuke pointed to the Englishman.

"It's none of your business." I answered him.

The Englishman knows a lot about the world. He knew exactly what was going on. He didn't mean to cause conflict. So he sat drinking and pretended that a foreigner didn't understand Chinese.

"Who is he? Did you refuse me because of him? " Xiumei asked me.

This is supposed to be a bad TV play. After being rejected by a woman, a man who secretly loves a woman meets a woman in a different place, and the man will ask questions, and then there will be a conflict.

But in fact, there was no conflict in the end. Soosuke calmed down and we went back to our room.

The ship sailed on the Mekong River for nearly half a month. I've met people from Xiu Jie and England, and some fellow travelers. I like talking to simple and honest people.

A swarthy Vietnamese young man is cleaning on the boat. He will tell me that his salary is surprisingly low, but I'm not surprised. He said that his hometown is in the country, and he loves his hometown, but it is easier to find a job here and earn more money to supplement his family. He said he had two children, a boy and a girl. When he said this, he would smile, revealing his teeth and sparkling pupils.

A Vietnamese woman wore a floral lace scarf and a plump, black and messy Vietnamese bun. She often takes her ten-year-old boy to bask in the sun on the deck. Boys like me very much, because I will send him delicious sweet candy and chocolate. Children will be happy as long as they have sugar to eat, and they will not ask too much for life.

I seem to be used to loneliness and wandering. A person makes a cup of coffee on the night boat, leans against the window, smokes in one hand and looks at the moonlight outside, so he wakes up and looks out of the window and spends the night alone.

Woosuke's room is full of Utoda's passion, Utoda's magnetic voice and warmth.

I haven't seen him for three days. I think it will make him sad to see him again. Every night, I can hear intermittent crying in his room. He is a coward, and crying is happiness.

When I was a child, I wanted someone to pay attention to me and protect me, so I deliberately hurt myself, leaving a small or thick scar on my body because of tetanus infection and even death. My mother stayed up all night at the bedside of the hospital and took my temperature with a thermometer. I was hospitalized for about half a month. After I got sick, I asked my mother why she cared so much about me. Her hand hit me on the forehead and said, "You are mine, and I won't let you die."

I was seven years old.

Xiu Jie curled up in the corner, put his hand in a pot of hot water, and there was a thick red wound on his wrist, and blood kept pouring out. Due to sudden blood loss, his cheeks and lips became pale and sweat oozed from his forehead.

"There you are." He grabbed my hand in a coma. The coldness in his hand makes me feel distressed. I am afraid that any life will be lost in my hand. This is an unforgivable original sin. I grabbed his wrist, tore off a corner of the white cotton skirt with my teeth and tied it to his wound. I found the captain. The ship was forced to dock temporarily. I found Soosuke's passport and some dollars. I've been with him. He asked me if I could marry him if he survived. I fought back my tears and said to him, "Yes."

When I was a child, I let others see the blood oozing from my wound. Now I understand that it is a shame to show my wound in front of others.

I returned to the boat, and the midnight wind made me feel cold. I hugged myself tightly, and my torn cotton skirt unfolded in the wind. I looked up and all the passengers on the ship woke up. The British man looked at me, wearing a khaki plaid pajamas.

I was immersed in that bloody night for several days, and sleep was a torment. As soon as I close my eyes, I will see Shu Jie moaning in the corner and blood oozing from her wrist. English men accompanied me and held my hand until I fell asleep, which gave me a particularly reliable feeling.

I think I will gradually fall in love with him. If a woman can hold a man's hand and get love and warmth in that man's hand, no matter who this man is, she will fall in love with him.

In the morning, an English man smiled and opened the door, holding a brown wooden tray, a cup of coffee with sugar cubes, two pieces of cheese, poached eggs and a small piece of sausage.

Bundles of calla lilies, white petals scattered with water droplets. He found a big glass cup with water and put the flowers on my bedside table.

I haven't eaten well for several days, and my face is getting bloodshot after eating. I immediately ran to the mirror, put on lipstick and used a little perfume. I look at myself in the mirror, and I know that I am young and beautiful, and I am worthy of love. I turned around, put my arms around an English man's neck and asked him if I could marry him.

He smiled, with tiny crow's feet around his eyes, stroking my hair with his hand. "No." He said. He looked at me and suddenly his smile disappeared. Maybe he knows I'm not kidding. I am serious.

His hand stopped and said to me, "You know, I'm getting old."

Two days later, I began to receive short messages from Xiu Jie, which described his life and some inner feelings in the past two days. He said that the hospital environment is not good and the doctor's attitude is not good. The wound is slightly infected and sometimes hurts. Began to regret the stupid thing I did. He also knows that I didn't mean it when I promised to marry him, just to perfunctory him.

He sent a smiling face and said, "I wish you happiness. If you are unhappy and cheated, you can always turn back. I will wait for you to turn back behind you. "

A person is happy if he finds someone waiting behind him all the time. True love ends here.

After receiving the message, I thought of many words of thanks to him, but I felt that I was hypocritical, so I sent him a "thank you".

Almost became a routine. He sends me a short message every two days, writing about his life and feelings. I will not reply to him after reading it. Because I know we can't be together. It is extremely cruel to give him hope, give him hope, and then let him despair.

Finally, he said to me, "I am in good spirits today." I went to the hospital garden and saw a bunch of rich and pure flowers. I picked a pink flower and have a big bowl. I want to give it to you. "

This is not a warm night. It began to rain heavily, so I leaned against the window and looked out. The rain hit the deck and rose to form a mist.

I packed some luggage of Xiu Jie, several white shirts, two blue jeans with holes, and some medals. There is also an exquisite mahogany box in the trunk. When I opened it, it was some Japanese letters and some yellow photos. In the photo, a young girl leans under a cherry tree with long black hair hanging down and a charming smile. There is a Japanese sentence at the back of the photo-"I love this girl under the cherry tree."

This is Soosuke's girlfriend. Like the last photo, there is a melancholy light in the big black eyes. She values love and vows more than life.

The rain gradually stopped and it was very cold that night. I dreamed that Xiujie stood in the middle of the garden mentioned in the text message with a smile, reached out and picked a purest pink flower, held it up and said that he would give it to me.

The boat tour of Mekong River reached its destination, and the boat entered the main station, and the tinkling bell rang. Most people packed their bags last night. As soon as they arrived at the station, the bell rang, and all kinds of people came out of the carriage, carrying large and small travel bags. People crowded together, and all kinds of languages and voices echoed in my ears. I feel like an island, and all the voices in the world have nothing to do with me.

I have two big boxes, one is mine and the other is Xiu Jie's. I followed the Englishman as soon as he got off the boat. "I have nowhere to go." I caught up with him and told him.

"Yes, I know. Don't worry, I still love you. "

The streets in Vietnam are very busy, and dark-skinned Asians always look very kind. There are fruit vendors riding flat tricycles, driving flies away with a branch tied with a plastic bag, and fat Vietnamese black women sleeping quietly with their sons on their backs, young and lovely. Set up a stall and spread black cloth to sell fake antiques. There was a lot of noise and suddenly he swore loudly. The smell of garbage, fried food, fruit, flowers and sweat is mixed and fermented.

We became a hotel. In the evening, I ate a box of instant noodles. The Englishman drinks wine, his cheeks are reddish and his breath is full of alcohol. He came over, stroked my hair, leaned down and kissed my eyebrows. I have been longing for this kind of kiss from an adult man who is full of alcohol since I was a child.

"I love you, but you know we can't be together."

"Yes, I know it very well."

"I have a fiancee. I went to Vietnam to have a wedding with her. Because she likes this country. "

I didn't answer in silence, and my mind was numb with white pain.

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologize to me." I said. "Your fiancee is very happy. A man is willing to accompany her to a wedding in a distant country. I want to meet her. "

He nodded his head. I think if I struggle, he may arrange my future life and give me some money to make up for what I owe. But I'm tired and don't want to pester me any more.

Three days later. British men are all married. The bride is English and can't speak Chinese. She is a good woman, and British men should cherish her.

I packed my bags and hurried to their wedding. They just finished the ceremony and drove back to the hotel. The bride's long golden hair and a corner of white lace are draped outside the window, fluttering gently in the wind. I didn't see an Englishman, and I knew it would be farewell.

I took my suitcase to the long-distance station and bought a one-way ticket. Then I sat quietly in the carriage, waiting for the bus to leave. I see the outside world drifting away. It seems that I can finally say: Goodbye, Englishman. English man, even if I don't know his name until now, I will never know it.

I went to the hospital in Xiu Jie, and the doctor told me that Xiu Jie died of wound infection and tetanus, and her body had been cremated. The hospital contacted the Japanese Embassy, and the Embassy also contacted Xiu Jie's family in Japan, but there was no response.

I went to the morgue to take out Soosuke's ashes. On the cheap wooden box, Yuksuke's name and the time of his death are written in Vietnamese. It was the last rainy night I dreamed of him. That night, I knew he really came to say goodbye to meet me.

I didn't cry. Real pain and injury don't need extra tears.

10 years old, attending his mother's funeral, wearing ugly white clothes. I was surrounded by a large group of people, holding my mother's ashes in my hand. The noisy voices of adults made my hearing numb, and I didn't cry at that time.

Xiu Jie's grave is in this country, a paddy field near the Mekong River. I buried his luggage with him.

At dusk, I walked on the ridge of rice fields and saw patches of rice fields and farmers who cultivated sporadically. There is no one on the road, only the crisp birds singing. There are clusters of blooming flowers beside the ridge, and the flowers in large bowls are blooming in the wind, emitting the sweetness of honey. I sat on the ridge and picked the purest pink flower and pinned it in my hair. I smiled sadly and saw Xiu Jie's tomb in the distance, gradually disappearing into the sunset. I think at this time, Xiu Jie will laugh, because I have realized his last dream.

In this world, my only unrequited sincere love is over.