Fucking jokes

Selection of jokes

1. In hot weather, I ask Sister Caterpillar to bring you a few intimate kisses, and I ask Aunt Mosquito to sing for you every night Lullaby, don't be polite to me, there are better gifts prepared for you!

2. Dear, do you know? You have lost a lot of weight recently! I see it in my eyes, but it hurts in my heart. The New Year is about to come, but your body is worrying... Who doesn't want to kill a few more pounds of pigs?

3. Give you a basket of fruits: There are gourds like your body, watermelons like your face, strawberries like your nose, lychees like your youth beans, pistachios like your eyes, and Like the durian that your body smells like!

4. There is something I have always wanted to say to you, but my heart beats so hard every time that I am embarrassed to say it: Actually, you look so cute, just like a little white pig!

5. Write a poem for you - the light rain is floating in the sky, as if you are laughing at my insanity. Why are you so selfish and cruel, making me miss you in vain? The poem I wrote in my brain is full of sadness. Who knows that only a fool can read it? This poem!

6. Yesterday I listened to your phone call, croaking like a frog, humming like a pig running, crackling like a cat jumping, chirping like a cow panting, mother-in-law and mother crowing like a chicken, happy. Like a news bird. Hope you have a great weekend and laugh out loud!

7. You are the phoenix in the sky, I am the hungry wolf underground, you are the crow in the sky, and I am the toad underground. You fly like crazy in the sky, and I chase you underground. Water drips. . .

8. Attention: This is the latest high-tech text message, embedded with a photo. In the photo, the face of a human and horse is similar to that of a tyrannosaurus, with a nose and a snout. It is an unprecedented tyrannosaurus look. How to view: Turn off your phone and place the screen directly in front of your eyes.

9. Chickens are used to lay eggs, cows are used to work when there is work, cats are used to work around the house, sheep are used to grill skewers in the future, and dogs are used to be used by others. You are waiting. Out of the circle.

10. My heart is beautiful, and it’s snowing; my heart is moving, and the wind is blowing; my heart is warm, and the sun is rising; my heart is excited, and it’s falling into the water. What water? saliva. I said don’t be so obsessed with looking at your phone. Wipe your saliva dry quickly, or be careful of burning your phone!

11. I pray to the Buddha every day for a rose that will bloom for a long time. When there are nine hundred and ninety-nine roses, I will give them to you and say emotionally: You little boy, I don’t believe that the bees you attract are not beautiful. Sting you!

12. The weather is a bit sultry and the temperature outside is constantly high. Seeing that you don’t like to go out, I will give you an early autumn gift. To relieve your loneliness, I will harass you from time to time to let you know how much I miss you. The gift is just a mosquito, don’t be too moved!

13. You are lovely when you are beautiful, you are always fond of eating meat, I still love you when you are fat, your thrift is glorious, and waste is shameful. You should drip the food in the bowl after eating it, but there is no need to lick the bowl clean every time!

14. It’s the weekend, and I solemnly tell you: Go to bed when you are sleepy, lean on the sofa when you are tired, smile when you are happy, and forget your worries. Ask me for guidance when you are depressed, and treat me to food when you miss me. Sweetie, if you don’t reply to this text message, you’ll be tripped over by ants when you go out!

15. A fat woman said to a friend: I often go swimming, it is said that I can lose weight. Friend: That’s nonsense, look at that whale!

16. Every time the wind and rain are miserable, I am the one who cares about you. When there is famine, I will bring you food. Your honest and honest expression makes me excited. In fact, raising a pig is quite a sense of accomplishment!

17. The whole universe can’t stop me from liking you! I am willing to work hard for you, work hard for you, and give everything for you. I pray that you can stay with me every day, just to wait silently. I really like you. . . RMB.

18. I’ve been thinking about you lately, and I know it’s not good. But if I don’t tell you what’s on my mind, I will regret it for the rest of my life! No matter what your decision is, I will not force you: if you are really in difficulty, don't pay back the two cents you owe me!

19. Every time you see me off, you always welcome me back. I will always remember this friendship in my heart, and I will always treat you well. Don’t worry, I will buy some more dog food tomorrow.

20. Let me ask you a riddle: There are two drops of water on the pig's butt. Name a song... You can't guess it, but your face is filled with tears.

21. Maybe you haven’t noticed it yet.

If you are happy, I will be happy; if you are sad, I will feel unhappy. If you neglect me, I will surrender! I am an honest person and will not tell lies, except for this sentence, haha!

22. Work is boring and making money is hard, but ideals are lofty. When we have money, we drink soy milk and eat fried dough sticks. If we want to dip it in white sugar, we will buy two bowls of soy milk, drink one bowl, and pour one. bowl!

23. The so-called "idiot" is a person who doesn't know the things you are familiar with, and you know nothing about the things he knows. Do you know this sentence?

24. There is an ancient legend on the other side of the mountain, which has become a classic in the past and even now. Want to know what this legend is? Listen up: there is a temple in the mountains, and there is an old Taoist in the temple, who is currently reading text messages and giggling!

25. God did not give the pigs wisdom because he wanted the pigs to be happy. Therefore, you must be happy.

26. The tortoise and the hare are racing, and the pig is the judge. Do you think the tortoise or the hare is faster?

27. I feel that after knowing you for so long, you are special, extremely, very, rare, and uniquely stupid, and you are so cute that you are cute. Hehe, don’t be angry!

28. Please, don’t lose weight, and don’t leave me! Don't you know, I have never thought you were fat, and I even prayed that you would never lose weight. The fatter the better! I like your fat look, no, it’s love, love from the bottom of my heart! However, recently, you

29. Do you know? You are so irritating. Tonight I will take a rope and tie your hands and feet so that you cannot move. I will use a piece of black cloth to cover your eyes so that you cannot see anything. Then I will say to you viciously: You are just thinking. What, not sleeping yet!

30. From a distance, you look like a beautiful woman smiling shyly in the wind, but from a close look, you turn out to be an old demon playing tricks; from a distance, you look like a handsome man dancing gracefully, but from a close look, you turn out to be Ba Jie, a sex-stricken man who has had plastic surgery; It's the weekend, don't scare me so much that I can't sleep!

31. I heard that you are so poor that all you have left is money. I sympathize with your pain. I'm very rich, except for money. I am willing to help you at all costs and exchange my wealth for your poverty. Give me all your money and let me suffer for you, Amen!

32. I created this poem on a whim. How many people in the world know this poem? If I am not famous, I will be afraid of being strong. I will ignore it for the sake of fools. It is a matter of success or failure. Fools know. If you don’t believe it, you must be reading this poem.

33. Recently, my mother traveled to mainland China and found an interesting advertisement for breast augmentation: It’s not a big deal! It’s “pretty” good to be a woman!

34. Ways to relieve the heat with thoughts: Imagine that you are hit by an ice palm, and the ice suddenly melts; or imagine that you are romantic on the Titanic, and suddenly an iceberg hits and you fall into the cold and biting sea water; Why don't you try watching another ghost movie? I wish you a clear heart after being "scared"!

35. Please read aloud: The plum blossoms are smelling the flowers, and the branches are full of sadness. Invite to hear that the rocks are broken, and the dampness reaches the spring green.

36. Teacher: Now in the first aid class, someone is injured, what should be the first step? Xiaoxin: I know, ask him if he wants to donate organs?

37. A cricket made a bet with a pig: If I jump into the grass, you won’t be able to see me. The pig said: Should I be able to see you? So the cricket jumped into the grass. The pigs are watching, the pigs are watching! The pig is still watching! Why are the pigs still watching? !

38. No matter how red the flowers are, they still need the green of the leaves; no matter how powerful the bird's wings are, they still need the help of air; no matter how white the teeth are, they still need the support of lips and teeth, even if the flowers are stuck on cow dung. I said, without you as fertilizer, how can my flowers and plants survive?

39. Who are you? I accidentally lost your phone records! I guess you are Sheng Jinbin, right? Or Ai Bowu, right? Otherwise it is Qin Shou, not Mei Renxing. If not, then I conclude that you are Bian Tai!

40. I accidentally broke the door of my refrigerator, so the air conditioner came out. The weather is getting colder and colder. It is estimated that I will not be able to repair the refrigerator until spring next year, so you must do it during this period. Wear more clothes and stay warm!

41. In the past, I only knew that the little pig couldn’t speak, so he only knew how to hum. But then I met you, and I realized that you can hum better than the little pig. As for you, you still hum. !

42. Congratulations, you have been admitted to the uncultured class of the barbaric department of the American Niu Jing University. Please bring your dementia, strange and complicated diseases to the American Big Shit on the Titanic Road on the 9th Street. Museum report.

43. A woman was ugly and had no moral integrity. Once she went on a blind date, but the hero took a long time to arrive. When the woman saw that he was a fat man, she became angry: "Damn fat man, ugly man!" The male protagonist is also popular: At least I have lost weight. Have you ever been beautiful?

44. Guess the lantern riddle: You stand with the pig. (Hit an animal) Answer: Elephant

45. You rushed into a certain unit angrily and shouted: Is this the Animal Protection Association? Staff: Yes, who bullied you?

46. The world of one person seems lonely, but the world of two people is very warm. Since I met you, I have discovered that no matter the wind or rain, no matter the weather, my heart will be bright when you are here. . You were so kind along the way, Umbrella!

47. Comparing salary to salary, forget it and don’t want to live anymore. Comparing your heart with your heart, forget it and don’t care. Comparing the stars with the stars is just a dazzling sight. Comparing apes to apes, forget it, it’s you. Have a great weekend and stay young forever.

48. A mosquito flew onto the sleeping baby’s butt. The father drove the mosquito away and applied toilet water on it. The baby woke up and shouted: Mom, a mosquito just peed on my butt!

49. I am an onion, standing in the wind and rain. Who dares to use me for dipping? His ancestors traveled south and north. I drank water behind the toilet, ran over my legs on the train track, and even kissed a piglet. You name it, I kissed you anyway!

50. The little pig cried sadly. Mom asked: Why are you crying? Piggy said: I feel stupid. His mother comforted him: Son, don’t cry, XXX is stupider than you!

51. The weather is unbearably hot. Let me teach you a trick to cool off the heat: when the sun is high at noon, exercise vigorously in an open space without any obstructions. Once you suffer from heat stroke, you can relieve the heat. This is called fighting poison with poison and "fighting poison with poison". "Shu" attacks "Shu".

52. This message lets you know: 1. Our feelings are the deepest! 2. Let you know that I have not forgotten you! 3. What I care about most is you! 4. Eat more and sleep more, raise a fat baby, and strive to sell it before the end of the year and sell it at a good price!

53. God asked me to grant one of my wishes. I said I wanted world peace, but he said it was too difficult to change him. I took out your photo and asked him to become more beautiful. He thought for a moment and said : Let me take a look at the globe.

54. The sky is rustling, the rain is falling, the wind is howling like a wolf, and the moon is like a broken knife. You are pushing a one-wheeled wooden chariot speeding through the wind and rain. Suddenly! You stopped the chariot, glared at a house in front of you, looked up to the sky and shouted, "Collect the rags!".

55. Now please touch your face and look in the mirror with a smile. If your skin color is pink and the hair on your face is fresh and soft, it means you are very healthy. Well, that’s it for our “Pig Raising Knowledge Lecture” this time!

56. The value of green onions has doubled. Onion asked garlic: Why do we pay one yuan for a bunch of garlic? Garlic: It’s popular to be single today. Isn’t a single-headed garlic still a noble person? Onion: I’m single too! Garlic: Your name is Onion, go abroad and develop!

57. What’s wrong? Please don’t scare me! wallet! What’s wrong with you! Why have you lost weight? wallet! ! Wake up! ! !

58. You didn’t contact me on weekends. Have you forgotten: without my company, your mood will definitely be painful and gloomy, happiness is destined to miss you, and your life will be full of tears, lonely and helpless. You can only keep company with pigs!

59. Five hundred years ago, you were my household chores. That day I peeked out of the window and fell in love with you chopping firewood. Don’t blame me for not telling you at that time! Because there were no short messages back then!

60. The weather is hot in early autumn, and the mood is really wonderful. You can see that you have a hot body, so you can run around in your underpants. When it is hot, stuff an ice cream, and the bathtub will bubble up. Chew watermelon and cantaloupe, and use sweat as hairspray. Put your worries aside and be happy and carefree.

61. On this warm and romantic day, a little pig hid in the house and painted its eggs, which were round and round. Pig, happy round eggs!

62. If one of your ears has a fever, it’s because I’m missing you; if both of your ears have a fever, it’s because everyone is missing you; if your whole head has a fever, that’s Because you have a cold, take medicine quickly!

63. I had a dream last night, and you were the protagonist! Dreaming that you are panting and chasing a pig with a kitchen knife in your hand. But the pig suddenly knelt down and begged for mercy and said: We are born from the same roots, why are we in such a hurry?

64. The long night is so difficult, I really want to fly to you.

Appreciate your lovely sleeping face, stroke your soft hair, and keep looking at you until you open your eyes at dawn, and then whisper to you gently: "You wet the bed!"

65. When you are tired from work, lean back on the sofa. When you feel sleepy after staying up late, have a good sleep. Throw away all the depressing things. Smile more when facing life. When you are hungry, treat me to a hamburger. If I don’t treat you, you will be killed. Mosquito bites.

66. If you eat too much, you like to fart. If the wind blows, your nose will runny. If you eat pear, you will get dysentery. Your biggest wish is to get a wife. You want me to keep it secret for you. Send me a message quickly. My blessing is the prerequisite, otherwise everyone will understand you and still not reply to messages!

67. The little turtle was looking in the mirror, and suddenly found that the mirror was full of words, and then he remembered: Oh! Turns out I mistakenly used my phone as a mirror!

68. It is not difficult for a person to do a stupid thing. What is difficult is to only do stupid things all your life and never do serious things. But you can actually do such a difficult thing. I admire you, I admire you

69. Guan Yu, Zhang Fei and Liu Bei slept on the same bed, and Zhang Fei slept in the middle. The next day, Guan Yu said that he dreamed about me last night. Liu Bei said, I also dreamed about me last night. Zhang Fei said, I dreamed last night that I was skiing, and then Liu and Guan vomited -. . . Who understands?

70. Teach you a happy spell; An Sizhu, An Sizhu, An Sizhizhu, Congratulations on learning Shandong dialect; I am a pig, I am a pig, I am a pig, I am A stupid pig.

71. If time could be turned back, I would definitely spend my childhood with you. We would hide and seek, steal sweet potatoes, fish in the river, and fight with grasshoppers. Then I would beat you, and if you cried, I would comfort you. Make you happy, play with you, and then beat you.

72. A girl went to the disco looking for a duck. The manager asked her which one she wanted. She replied: The more handsome one, and she can come five times a night, and none of them can last for two hours. So the manager shouted: Brother, stop looking at your phone and pick up the customers!

73. The intermittent rain arouses my endless thoughts. To put it bluntly, I just miss you. When the weather is nice and sunny, I will take you to the grassland, but I have agreed in advance: the pigs are only allowed to eat grass. , no arching to the ground!

74. The melons at the foot of the East Mountain are called winter melons, the melons by the West Lake are called watermelons, the melons outside Nantianmen are called pumpkins, and what about the melons in the sand beside Lake Ness? Stupid, "Nice Sagua"! Ha ha!

75. In order to enter the house, a drunkard would strip naked at the door, and his wife would have no choice but to open the door. One day, the drunk man got very drunk again. He took off his clothes as usual and started knocking on the door. The door opened and a voice came out: Next stop, Fuxing Road. ;