How to repair the relationship with alienated children 4 ways to repair and alienate children.

Directory method 1: contact your child 1 to find out the problem. 2. Self-reflection. The decision is in your hands. 4. Contact your children. 5, write a letter 6, accept the conditions put forward by the child. Method 2: Have the first conversation 1 and arrange a meeting. 2. Let your adult children dominate the conversation. 3. Listen, don't judge. 4. Take responsibility. 5. Don't say how you feel about parent-child alienation. 6. apologize 7. Consider family therapy. Method 3: Respect and set the boundary of 1, and take your time. 2. admit that the child has grown up. 3. Don't give your child parenting advice. 4. Seek psychological assistance for yourself. 5. Keep in touch with children, but don't be overbearing. 6. Let go if necessary. Method 4: Accept your child's 1 and accept that your child's perspective on life is different from yours. 2. Accept our differences. Children have the right to oppose you, and you should respect their opinions. As children grow up, as parents, you are increasingly alienated from them, which makes you feel very uncomfortable. The relationship between children and parents can be repaired, but you must pay time and patience. No matter which side caused the estrangement, since they are parents, they should take the first step of reconciliation and try their best to get in touch with their children. In this process, you should respect the boundaries set by them and don't challenge their bottom line. At the same time, we should also draw boundaries for ourselves. You should learn to accept adult children and admit that they are independent.

Method 1: Contact the child.

1, find out what's wrong. You'd better find out why your children are angry with you before you try to make up with them. Maybe your child will tell you directly, or maybe you need to visit other insiders. In order to make up with the children, we must first find the problem. After you have a general idea of what happened, you need to take time to think about what to do next and how to communicate with your children.

Contact adult children and ask them questions. You can say, "Lily, I know you don't want to talk to me now, but I really want to know how I hurt you." Can you tell me? If you don't want to talk, you can send an email or write a letter. I have to know what the problem is before I can solve it! "

If your child doesn't reply, you can contact other family members or your friends and ask them if they know what happened. You can ask your little daughter, "Have you contacted your sister recently? She has been ignoring me, and I don't know what happened. Do you know what is going on? "

Although finding the cause of the gap is the best way to solve the problem, you may never find the answer. Even so, you should continue to try to find the lost family.

2. Self-reflection. Calm down and think about the reasons behind your child's alienation from you. Is the fuse of things a dusty past? Have there been any major changes in your life recently, such as the death of your family and the arrival of a new life, which led to a rift between you and your children? There may have been a time when you shut your children out and cut off contact with them, which is also the reason why children are indifferent to you now. Remember, many children from divorced families will become unfamiliar with their parents when they grow up. Even though divorce was the best choice at that time, this process made children see the cruel reality that parents put their children's needs in a secondary position in pursuit of their own happiness. In the divorce war, both husband and wife will say nothing to each other, without realizing that these ugly words have entered the children's ears. This will seriously affect the relationship between children and their parents when they grow up. Especially in the process of children's growth, this effect is more obvious when one parent rarely participates or is completely absent. Children whose parents are divorced may always feel the pain of being ignored by their parents when they grow up.

The decision is in your hands. Whether you have done something wrong or not, parents are usually the first to take action in the process of making up with their children. You should put down your self-esteem and stop worrying about whether the whole thing is fair to you. If you want to bridge the gap with your child, you must extend an olive branch first, and even if the other person doesn't respond, you must keep trying. Whether it is a teenager aged 14 or a middle-aged person aged 40, everyone is eager to get the care and attention of their parents. One way for parents to show their love and concern is to let their children know that they are willing to do their best to repair the broken family relationship. So, when you feel tired and frustrated in this process and have unworthy and unfair thoughts in your heart, think about the above truth.

4. Contact your children. You may be eager to see your children, but going to the door directly will make them feel that their privacy has been violated, so I suggest you call them first, send them an email or write a letter to let them know. If your children need to keep their distance from you, you should respect their decision and give them a chance to slowly decide when to meet you. Be patient, it may take them a few days to give you an answer. Practice what you want to say several times before making a phone call. If nobody answers the phone, please leave a message. You can say, "Xiaojun, I really want to see you and talk about your recent situation. When do you have time? "

Send email or text messages to children. You can write, "I know you've been upset recently. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'd like to meet you at your convenience and have a chat. Let me know when you set the time. I love you and miss you. "

5. Write a letter. The child may not want to see you. If so, you can write to him. Apologize for the harm you have caused him in your letter and tell him that you understand his feelings. Writing letters is also a self-healing for you. You can clear your feelings and adjust your emotions by writing letters. Another advantage of writing letters is that you can write as long as you can express your meaning clearly.

It is suggested that we meet again when the children are ready. You can write, "I know you are angry now, but I hope to see you later and have a good talk." My door is always open for you. "

6. accept the conditions put forward by the child. Your adult children may be willing to associate with you, but they are not ready to talk face to face for the time being (maybe this day will never come). They may just want to exchange emails or phone calls with you. At this time, don't kidnap children with guilt. As long as you keep in touch, maybe one day you will meet. If you only contact your adult children by writing emails for the time being, you can write, "I'm glad to be able to email you these days." I hope that one day we can open our hearts and talk face to face, but you don't have to feel pressure. "

Method 2: the first conversation

1, arrange a meeting. If the children promise to meet you, they will eat together in public. You can control your emotions better in public, and eating a meal also helps to strengthen the emotional bond between parents and children. You must see him alone. Don't bring your partner or other people to cheer you up, which will make your child think that you are going to unite against him.

2. Let your adult children dominate the conversation. Listen to your child's worries and don't refute or argue. Maybe they want to hear your apology as soon as they meet. If you think your children feel this way, apologize to them. In order to make the conversation go smoothly, you can try to start with an apology, admit that you have caused the child pain, and let the child feel that the conversation will be conducted on the basis of equality between the two sides. After apologizing, encourage children to continue to express their feelings.

3. Listen, don't judge. Even if you don't agree with the child's point of view, it is reasonable. When children feel that their parents are willing to listen and understand themselves and accept their own views, the rift between the two generations will gradually disappear. Children's answers will be more honest if parents can just listen without commenting or defending. Your child's words may hurt your heart deeply, but you must understand that these words must be spoken, otherwise your child's emotions cannot be vented.

You can say, "I'm sorry I broke your heart. I want to know more about the contradiction between us. Can you go on? "

4. Take responsibility. Understand that if you don't admit that you may cause conflicts between the two sides, your reconciliation will not be smooth. Adult children want their parents to be responsible for their actions. Therefore, whether you think you have made a mistake or not, you should take the initiative to take responsibility. Maybe you don't understand why girls are angry with you, but you can't ignore them. What you have to do is not to defend your actions, but to listen carefully and apologize for the pain you have caused them.

Try to understand the child's point of view. Empathy means that although you understand the other person's point of view, you don't agree with it. Understanding children's views is an important part of conflict resolution.

You can say, "I have given you a lot of encouragement since I was a child, because I hope you will succeed in your career." I can understand why you think I have never been satisfied with you. This situation is definitely not what I want. You totally misunderstood me. Now I know how my lines caused this misunderstanding. "

5. Don't say how you feel about parent-child alienation. Although this request sounds unfair, now is not the time to talk about the pain caused by not being able to communicate with children. Children need space to deal with emotions and solve problems. If you mention your sadness, anger and resentment at this time, your children will think that you are using their guilt to achieve their goals, so they are even more reluctant to get back together with you. You can tell your child, "Do you know how much I want to hear your voice? But I know you want to be quiet. "

Don't say "I'm really sorry that you haven't called me for so long" or "Do you know how painful it is for me not to hear from you?"

6. apologize. Only when you clearly point out your mistake (let the listener know that you have a correct understanding of what happened), express your regret and put forward a plan to make up for it, will your apology be effective. You should sincerely say sorry for the harm you have caused to your child. Remember, even if you think you have done nothing wrong, you should apologize. Now you should pay attention to the child's pain, not who is right or wrong. You can say, "Nana, I'm sorry to make you so sad. I know my drinking problem puts you under a lot of pressure. I did a lot of wrong things when you were so young, and I was ashamed of it. I know why you want to keep your distance from me, but I really want to resolve the contradiction with you. "

Even if you can find a reasonable explanation for your behavior, don't try to defend yourself when you apologize. Don't say, "I slapped you five years ago. Sorry, I won't hit you if you don't talk back. " This sentence will not only not apologize, but also cause the other side to guard against it.

Remember, you should apologize for yourself, not for other people's behavior, so that an apology is sincere and effective. "I'm sorry, my behavior hurt you" is an effective apology. And "if you are hurt, I am sorry for you" has no effect. Never use the word "if" when apologizing.

7. Consider family therapy. If your child wants, you can try family therapy with him, that is, talk to a specially trained psychotherapist about your problems. Marriage and family therapists will guide you and your children to identify abnormal family behavior and help you find a solution to the problem. Another function of family therapy is to promote family members' understanding and strengthen their contact. Family therapy is usually short-term, and its focus is on a problem that plagues family relations. You and your child may need to consult different psychologists in order to focus on solving their respective concerns.

If you don't know how to find a marriage and family therapist, you can consult a family doctor, or consult a community resource center and the health department. You can also search for nearby therapists online.

Method 3: Respect and set boundaries.

1, take your time. Broken parent-child relationship can't go back once, so no matter how much you want to find your lost family, you can't rush it. Depending on the severity of your estrangement, you may have to wait for weeks, months or even years before you can expect your mother to be filial and happy. Maybe your relationship will exist in a new state after it returns to normal. In the process of dealing with and digesting emotions, you may need to have several difficult conversations about parent-child alienation. Just talking once doesn't bring everything back to its original position.

Slowly increase the frequency of contact. At first, you and your children can choose to meet alone in public places. Don't invite children to parties with many relatives, such as holiday dinners, unless they seem ready.

Tell the child, "Everyone wants you to go home for dinner on New Year's Eve. I totally understand that you don't want to come. I know you need time to think about it, so don't be sorry even if you don't attend. "

2. admit that the child has grown up. Your old baby has grown up and can make his own decisions. You can disagree with some of their decisions, but you should give your children an independent opportunity to live in their own way. Random interference in children's lives may be the reason why children are alienated from their parents. Don't make wishful advice. If children make mistakes in life, you should resist the urge to correct them, because even if they make mistakes, it is their own business.

3. Don't give your child parenting advice. Even if you are well-intentioned, you should not give your child advice on parenting, because it will easily arouse the child's disgust. Don't say anything if your child doesn't ask. You raised your children, and now it's time for them to experience the hardships of being parents. Let your children know that you respect their parenting ideas and obey their wishes. If your grandson can only watch TV for one hour every day, you should tell your children that your grandson should also abide by this rule when playing at your home. If you need to break the routine, you'd better ask your child for advice first.

4. Seek psychological assistance for yourself. In the process of trying to bring your own flesh and blood back to you, you will feel physically and mentally exhausted and miserable. Maybe you should talk to a qualified mental health expert and ask him to help you stabilize your mood and work out effective communication methods and coping strategies. You may want to find a psychotherapist who specializes in family problems. But your personal therapist may recommend you another counselor, because only a counselor who has never been masked can objectively analyze the problems between you and your child.

Try to find a mutual help forum on the internet. You will find someone who has the same problem as you. We can discuss with each other and share successful experiences.

5. Keep in touch with children, but don't be overbearing. If your child ignores your active contact, don't give up and keep trying. Send them cards, emails and voice messages to let them know that you miss them and want to talk to them. Respect children's needs for privacy and distance, and be sure to give them some space. Don't contact your child more than once a week. If your child feels that his normal life is disturbed, you should reduce the number of contacts with him, but don't stop.

You can say to your daughter, "Sasha, mom missed you just now, so I dialed your phone to greet you." I hope everything goes well with you. I miss you very much. If you want to chat with your mother, you can come over at any time. Daughter, I love you. "

Don't visit them at their home. You should respect the boundaries between children and keep in touch without disturbing each other's lives.

6. Let go if necessary. Even if you have been careful not to disturb your child's life, in the eyes of adult children, your behavior may still cross their boundaries and make them unacceptable. Even if you apologize for what you have done, your children may still want nothing to do with you. If so, for the sake of your mental health, I suggest you relax and accept the reality, and don't force your child to come back to you. Let the children decide what to do. Send a text message or voice message to your child, and you say, "Son, I know you don't want me to contact you again. Although your decision makes me sad, I will respect your wishes. I won't bother you from now on. If you need me, I will always be here. I love you. "

If the relationship between your child and their partner is unhealthy (for example, your child's lover is very controlling) and your child's partner is mentally ill or taking drugs, it may be difficult to reconcile between you. Maybe it is these problems that separate you from your children. In this case, there is nothing you can do. You have to wait for the children to solve these potential problems themselves.

If your child wants to cut off contact with you completely, I suggest you get through this difficult period with the help of a therapist. Sorrow and pain may make you lose your way. Maybe you need more help.

Method 4: Accept children.

1, accept the fact that children look at life differently from you. Maybe you live in the same house and spend most of your time together every day, but you may see things from completely different angles. You must admit that when a child grows up, his memory and views on something are as reasonable and effective as yours. People's views on a situation will vary greatly with age, strength or intimacy. For example, moving to a new city may make you feel fresh and exciting, but your children will face great difficulties, but because they have no choice but to follow you.

Family members always have different experiences of reality. For example, when you were young, your parents often took you to museums. In their memory, the exhibition was very interesting and everyone had a good time. But what you recall is that you wore too many clothes that day and you felt very hot. When you saw dinosaur fossils, you were scared out of your mind. Your memory and your parents' memory are correct, but you look at things from different angles.

2. Accept our differences. The gap between parents and children may be because parents, children or both sides disagree with each other's choices. Although you can't change your child's attitude towards you, you can let him know that you will accept him with open arms no matter what. Show your children your changes step by step. If your child is gay and your church is conservative, you can join a more liberal and more accepting church.

Tell your child that you are reading relevant books, so as to better understand his point of view.

If your children break up with you because they oppose your life choices, it will be more difficult to bridge the gap between you. Maintain a firm and confident attitude and continue to express love for children. You should do your best to continue to send friendly signals and look for opportunities to meet your children.

Children have the right to oppose you, and you should respect their opinions. You don't have to change your opinion or viewpoint, but don't scoff at your child's point of view. Parents' respect and love for their children will not be affected by different views. You don't need to ask everyone to agree with you. When there are differences, try to respect each other. If you have religious beliefs and your children are atheists, don't go to church when your children come to see you on weekends.

Avoid arguments and choose other topics. If your child tries to involve you in a topic you once argued, you can say, "son, we should seek common ground while reserving differences now." Talking about this topic will only ruin everyone's mood. "