Who can send me Xinyiwu's "Suffering Fish"

"The sound is loud, but the elephant is invisible. It comes from Laozi's Tao Te Ching." He said lightly when they first met.

Xiyin was just stunned at that time.

Who would have thought that the allusion of a name would be the beginning of a fairy tale about a talented man and a beautiful lady in college.

Too many memories, of course it’s not just that.

I still remember the two of them nestled under the shadow of the trees by the pond on campus, his chin gently rubbing the hair on the top of her head, murmuring the most tenderly between lovers: "Xiyin, you have a good one." It is said that everything in the world will become elusive when it reaches its extreme, and the intangible is better than the tangible. This is not unreasonable. It’s like I only realized after meeting you that when the most beautiful person is in my arms, I am. Instead, my mind went blank and I couldn't find a suitable word to express it."

Xiyin smiled and closed his eyes as if he was tipsy.

This is the moment she wants to remember the most. However, the memory is so beautiful that it has a vagueness that is close to illusion. Many details become irrefutable through repeated rewinding of memories. In the end, what is most clearly burned into the mind are some irrelevant pictures.

She remembered that there was a breeze blowing through the treetops at that time, and there was the most lingering whistling.

She remembered that the water in the night pool rippled and crushed the moonlight. The surrounding area sank into a sweet silence, as if there were no other people around. Only the strangers fishing at night in the distance stood up and raised their arms. The fishing line drew a vague parabola, and the silver hook with bait disappeared silently into the water. It stirred up waves of flicking sounds, and the bait tasted so sweet.

Later, Xiyin hated the name he had interpreted. Because it was this person who made her understand that even when she was extremely sad, she was also silent. No matter how hard you searched, you couldn't find a single word to describe it.

When did this start? Yes, maybe it was a scandal that spread among the departments on the eve of graduation. Of course, the protagonist was still him, but the other half had nothing to do with her, the heroine in the fairy tale.

When her roommate told Xiyin in the cafeteria what she had witnessed with her own eyes, she did not react for a long time. She just stared blankly, with her mouth slightly open and her hands hidden under the table. Silently clenching and unclenching. Her roommate was still surprised by her silence. Amidst several exclamations, she fell from the chair like a puppet that had lost its balance... In the chaos and confusion, she could still feel the coldness of the floor, and her roommate was in a hurry. Tears fell down, and there was a sharp pain somewhere in his chest. She stretched out her hand, unable to grab anything, and opened her mouth to take a big breath, but the air seemed to be gradually withdrawn from her body. Even her struggle was in vain, everything was passing...

Thanks to the enthusiasm classmate, she regained consciousness in the hospital. The doctor asked her about her heart disease history and learned that this was the first relapse in her adult life.

She is no longer the Lin Xiyin who received a rose from a boy for the first time at the age of 11 and thanked her with a smile without blushing.

This is not the Lin Xiyin who watched her suitor playing the guitar in the night rain downstairs and confessing his love, and could still lean on the railing and enjoy it as if nothing had happened.

It is not Lin Xiyin who will organize old love letters and analyze the gains and losses in an orderly manner every time she ends a relationship.

She didn't care in the past, but it turned out to be because she hadn't met him yet. When he fell, he realized that one thing is worth another. He was not willing to give things easily in the past. Even if he gave them all, he still felt that it was not enough. Even his heart was overwhelmed, and he no longer knew how to take back the love.

Such a dramatic plot naturally became a favorite topic of conversation among his classmates and alumni. He only learned of this incident through whispers from others, so he hurried to the hospital bed, gave flowers, confessed, confessed, and swore an oath. , tears...

She turned a deaf ear and just looked at the boy beside the bed. Smart and willful people are often like spoiled children, giving away their emotions too easily and playing hurtful games. However, her hatred for him was still so real, and the medicine that had been injected into her blood through the intravenous injection was still so cold, but when he pressed his cheek against the back of her hand and said with tears that he would be good to her for the rest of his life, she discovered that My poor, precarious heart still moved for him.

He is indeed an easy target. The sad thing is that not only she can feel this, but other girls can also feel it, and he himself can also feel it.

Xiyin knew that she would forgive him, but she didn’t expect that such forgiveness would happen again and again.

Those days when she was awake and waiting for dawn, she often couldn't help but think about it. The moment she fell to the ground due to the illness, when she was panting desperately trying to catch something, there was a strange association in her heart. It flashed by like lightning, it was extremely familiar and appropriate, but I couldn't recall it at the time, let alone how to describe it. What did she look like then? The answer was on the back of the glass, but she couldn't retreat from that window.

It was a long time before the mystery was revealed. At that time, she had just resigned from her senior position at her old employer, a US-owned company, and was working as an off-duty director in a friend's company. On Wednesday afternoon, she drove home early, and the Sanyuan Bridge was particularly smooth today. Before getting out of the car, she did not forget to look at herself in the mirror. Her makeup was exquisite. Except for her eyes, her beautiful face should be the same as before. When she opened the door, the strong fragrance of lilies, accompanied by a bit of steak, hit her face. It was like the person waiting for her, which made her addicted.

He pulled out a chair for her in a gentlemanly manner. A bottle of Canadian ice wine didn't seem to fit with today's dishes.

Xiyin looked at him with a smile. Eight years later, from the boy in the past to the mature man in front of him, he was still charming, cunning and wise, and addictive.

"Xiyin...I'm going to hold a wedding on October 1st..." He poured ice wine for her and looked at her cautiously with the corners of his eyes slightly raised.

"Hey, why don't you drink red wine today?" She didn't even dodge, and lowered her head to cut the steak on the plate.

It should be expected. He will get married sooner or later, and this day will come. On a beautiful day, with the charming fragrance of flowers and delicious dinner, and with the pleasant smile on her face, it really complemented each other to openly announce this happy event.

It’s just that she knows that the bride will not be her.

They have known each other for 8 years, been inseparable for 3 years, and been together for another 3 years.

In those years, there were quarrels again and again, reconciliation again and again; betrayal again and again, forgiveness again and again; vows again and again, betrayal again and again.

When he looked at her, his eyes were always so sincere, and when he kissed her, his lips were always so passionate. But Xiyin didn't want to imagine whether he was the same in front of other women.

He said: "No, Xiyin, those are just temporary fun. You know that the only one I love most is you."

He loves her. What? A man would waste 8 years of his life on a woman he doesn't love? The premise is that this woman is not his Only One. She is disappointed, she is sad, and finally gets used to it. Fortunately, other women pass by like flowers, and he will always return to her in the end.

The only thing Xiyin is sure of is the fact that she loves him. She has also naively thought that no matter how playful the child is, he will know how to get home after dark and when he is tired from playing. One day he will be tired of it. Through these games, they will stay together until old age like an ordinary couple.

Watching his former classmates and friends find a place to belong to and get married one by one, he always carefully resolves her loss with hugs. "I know I owe you a ring, but you know the situation in our family. The old people are stubborn and it takes time to convince them. Just wait for me for one more year, and I will definitely give you the best wedding next year."

What can Xiyin do besides being silent?

When you love someone and can't live without him, you have to convince yourself to believe his lies.

One year, another year. What year is next year?

Nothing is more cruel and easier to kill a woman's youth than waiting. Gradually, Xiyin realized that there were not many "next years" left to squander in his best years. As a result, an unprecedented ferocious quarrel broke out between them. She threw all the objects that belonged to him out of the space that belonged to her, and vowed to break up with him from now on.

That was their longest breakup. In order to prevent herself from making the same mistake again, she even took the initiative to ask the company to develop new markets in a remote province where not many colleagues were interested. Busy work takes up most of her energy and time, and investment in career is always more likely to be rewarded than feelings. New markets are booming, but she seems to be able to see herself drying up. Longing dissolved her determination too easily. She scolded herself for not living up to expectations and hated herself for being weak.

But please tell me, what rules and power are there in the world that can restrain a woman who has left her heart somewhere?

Every time they had a quarrel or a cold war in the past, he would eventually ask for her forgiveness, and then the two would reconcile as before.

But this time he didn't show up.

Did I go too far? She began to doubt her original choice, and she fought hard to control herself and prevent herself from returning to him like a wandering soul chasing a heart-broken soul. This was her last dignity, and it also cost her I have tried my best, but nothing can reach my thoughts.

She said to herself: As long as he is willing to come back to me this time, no matter what happens, I will forgive him.

There must be a God who controls everything and takes pity on her cowardice. Finally one day, he appeared, covered in dust. He said that no one could replace her position in his heart. He said that he still could not forget her. He said that she felt the same longing for her. He also said... There was already another woman by his side, but that was just a suitable one. Marriage partner, his heart will always be by her side.

Xiyin waited until the day when he was tired of the bird returning to its roost and willingly threw himself into marriage, but? He finally understood that even if he said he loved her a thousand times, if he was given a thousand opportunities to choose, he would His wife may not be her.

The fact that he enjoys her feelings so freely is simply because he is sure that she cannot live without her.

No wonder he treated her so contemptuously, Xiyin also looked down on herself. Love inherently makes people humble, and she just couldn't live without it, so she returned to his arms again. Some people say that love is like drinking arsenic with a smile, exchanging nine points of bitterness for one point of sweetness. Why would anyone be so stupid as to make such an uneconomical deal? Xiyin also knows gains and losses. When she has him, there is despair and pain, but she is not without happiness. Even if the happiness is as illusory as fireworks, without him, she has nothing.

He is getting married, and it doesn’t matter if it’s the worst, it can’t get any worse. People will become real.

"Let me plan your wedding." Putting down his fork, Xiyin wiped his mouth gracefully and smiled sweetly.

He was startled, and instantly felt that this was his Xiyin, the woman who understood him best, and the woman he loved most.

The venue of Diaoyutai is rigorously rehearsed, and the intricate relationship and arrangement of the guests are not wrong at all. She was so anxious that she couldn't sleep well every night, and ESSE was pumped one after another.

He hugged her distressedly. "No more, let's run away."

She understood that this was just a bubble he spread, and no matter how beautiful it looked, it was not real.

She sneered and put her head on his arm, "We haven't even entered the main room yet, and you have a lover as capable as me. Are you willing to just run away like this?" When you are so powerless to deceive yourself and others, for the sake of The only person you can really treat cruelly is yourself.

Yes, from that time on she was determined to be his lifelong lover.

His fiancée’s family holds a high position, so it is natural for her to marry into his family.

The wedding was a grand one. As his classmate, she stood in an inconspicuous corner to accept the fruits of her hard work.

Watch them step on the wedding march, cross the flower arch covered with lilies, and enter the venue on champagne-colored rose petals. Xiyin's nails dug into the palm of her hand, "You can't cry... You absolutely can't cry here." In addition to pain, there was also coldness. I still overestimated myself. When I helped him plan the wedding, I should have known what today meant.

In the past eight years, Xiyin could not remember how many times she had longed for this day. Plan such a wedding with your own hands and make their dream wedding a reality. Even if the person standing next to him is not herself, at least every rose along the way and every fold on his dress were what she dreamed of.

In the end, Xiyin's vision began to blur, and she hurriedly fled the scene. She endured the almost suffocating feeling and drove for a long time before stopping, panting and hurriedly turning out The quick-acting heart-saving pills in the bag. The tears mixed with the strong smell of medicine are really not good. She rolled down the window and the car stopped in the middle of a low bridge on the outskirts of the city. On the other side of the bridge, an old man and his grandson were fishing leisurely. Just hearing the sound of water waves rolling, the child shouted in surprise: "Grandpa, a fish is really hooked."

"

Both grandfather and grandson stood up straight immediately. Xiyin watched them skillfully close the fishing line. Sure enough, at the end of the fishing line, there was a half-sized crucian carp biting the hook and struggling desperately. Every twist and turn The whole body was exhausted, and it wanted to return to the water and swim leisurely. However, since it had swallowed the bait, there was no way for it to move. All the fighting seemed to be in vain. The fish was picked off the hook. Before throwing it into the fish basket, Xiyin could clearly see that the pale fish mouth was opening and closing rapidly, the body was still making a death struggle, and the life and air were moving away from it little by little. It has hands, and I am afraid that it is trying in vain to grasp the last straw. At this moment, Lin Xiyin suddenly felt like she was struck by thunder. This familiar and unfamiliar scene broke through the fog that had been accumulated in her heart for a long time, and the answer finally emerged for her. Thinking of it, what does she look like? There is nothing more similar to her than a fish struggling to death on a fishhook, and he is her bait, possessing the fatal temptation that she cannot resist, enough to make her crazy, desperate, and even desperate. Yu forgot about the sharp weapon behind the sweetness, and he couldn't help himself when he wanted to get rid of it. Any struggle was accompanied by bloody marks.

His wedding ended successfully. Xiyin can't help crying every time she attends a wedding.

Many friends are puzzled, but she just replies: "I'm just envious and touched. ”

Every Wednesday, he still comes as promised to enjoy Wushan Yunyu together.

She is a qualified lover. He is also the perfect other half.

They occasionally We will also go on vacation together and feed stray cats together.

He always remembers her favorite lilies and always gives her her favorite perfume, high heels, and maybe exquisite jewelry.

She always accepted it with a smile, but the fish's mouth, which was penetrated by an iron hook and dripping with blood before it died, always flashed in front of her eyes. As he looked in the mirror day after day, the eyes that made him most emotional seemed to be gradually getting better. The ground was dim, and she couldn't help but think of the dead fish eyes under the chopsticks. It was said that a beautiful woman would grow old easily. He loved her today and would still love her tomorrow, but the day when she had no skin and no hair, he would. How can she go to Wushan every Wednesday despite the weather and talk sweet words of love? Being reduced to a slut and a yellow-faced woman, that is the right of a wife, and what does she have to be a lifelong lover? Maybe she has overestimated herself.

It’s not like she didn’t try to break free. In Hong Kong, the Confucian businessman introduced to her by her best friend fell in love with her at first sight. It’s not like she didn’t understand love. There was no sincerity in the look in his eyes. , the two drank red wine while enjoying the river breeze. She hurriedly left Hong Kong the next day, telling her best friend not to reveal anything about her whereabouts to him again.

Back in Beijing, she also tried to stay away from him. Some normal, sincere men who won't embellish her name with the most beautiful allusions, but are willing to give her the greatest compliment of marriage, will be around when she deceives herself into thinking that she likes her enough. When it turned into love, his persistent pursuit made her fall again.

Many fish only chase one kind of bait in their life. Even if it escapes by luck once, its mouth will be full of wounds and bloody flesh. , when the temptation sways in front of its eyes, it will close its eyes and swallow it in one gulp, knowing that it will die. The fishhook does not and does not want to know the fish's struggle or desire. What it wants is the pleasure and pleasure of harvesting prey. Tenderness.

In front of her, he always talks about marriage as useless, and his wife is always dispensable. As his lover, she is considerate and perfect. Who cares about his future and happiness?

Whenever he has free time, Xiyin will drive to the short bridge to watch people fishing, but he never wants to go back and forth with a fishing rod and often fishes there. Everyone was familiar with her. Xiyin once asked the old man who caught the most fish: “Is there a way to prevent the fish from swallowing the bait? "

The old man said with a smile: "This is difficult. As the saying goes, "He who knows the fish knows the bait." There are different baits for different fish. Some fish like to eat plant bait, and some like fishy meat. As long as you touch it correctly, there is no fish that cannot be caught. I have caught a fish with a gaping mouth a few times. That was the last time my grandson thought it was too small and let it go. However, the fish was greedy and didn't want its life. The second time, it took the bait honestly. Let me tell you, if you want the fish not to swallow the bait, hey, unless it swims to a place where there is no bait! "

When saying goodbye, the old man saw that he had gained a lot, so he generously gave a few pieces to Xiyin. Xiyin did not refuse, took them home, steamed them, and served them hot on the table. Today he is here again Keep appointments.

When he smelled the fish aroma, he moved his index finger, tasted a few chopsticks, and even praised Xiyin for his improvement in cooking skills. Xiyin just picked out the fish eyes and wanted to put them into his mouth. He liked to eat them. At this time, his cell phone rang. He didn't intend to answer it at first, but he couldn't help but urged him one after another. Even Xiyin couldn't help but say: "Just answer it, maybe something will happen."

He turned his back and answered the phone, hung up after a few words, and when he turned around, he faced There is a look of embarrassment.

"She is sick and is in the hospital now. I...I will go back and see her."

Xiyin had no objection. The perfect lover in his heart, his favorite Lin Xiyin, shouldn't have any objections at this time. So he quickly kissed her goodbye and left.

His wife is "sick", and that is a "severe illness" that Xiyin can only envy in the dark. There was no need for him to tell her that his flirtatious wife was pregnant with their baby. The circle was so small, so of course she would know. Even though she tried so hard to hide it, the hidden joy and expectation in his eyes when he left could not be hidden from her. After all, it was his child, and he and another woman were legitimately related by blood.

Xiyin put her forehead against the edge of the table and cried quietly.

It took a long time before she remembered to clean up the table scraps. When flipping the plate of steamed fish, it was difficult for her not to notice the fish lips. I don’t know if it was a coincidence or an eye error. The broken fish lips There seemed to be old scars on it that had been torn and then healed. She suddenly thought of the old fishing man's words again. Why should we blame the ferocity of the bait? Which fish swallowing the bait does not accept the temptation willingly? All endings are the same as others, but they die of desire and greed.

She looked at the fish that had not closed its mouth until it died. The eyes that had been emptied out were inexplicably hollow and terrifying. Suddenly, a strong feeling of nausea came to her heart. Xiyin opened it with one hand. He held the table and retched heartily, and after he subsided, he cried hard. She hadn't cried so freely in many years, and these cries drowned her

As she choked, she called her best friend and asked him to handle visa and immigration matters for her. , and ask the other party to keep the secret secret, and the sooner the better. The moment of waking up from a dream was too precious. She was afraid of missing this time, and she never had the courage to leave.

If a fish wants to survive, it can only swim as far as possible, as far as there is no bait.

By his side, in his country, she will never get rid of him.

On Christmas Eve, she finally boarded the departing plane.

Xiyin thought, she did it after all. Before taking off, she sent a text message to her friend: "Finally going to a place without him, I think I will never come back."

Maybe in a strange country, she will find another one A lonely fish, looking for food together, maybe she is still alone, but she no longer has to worry about the cold temptation hidden behind the bait, and she will gradually die of old age in the sea.