If anyone has cell phone text message jokes, please contribute... The more the better, thank you, thank you...

1. There was a polar bear and a penguin playing together. The penguin pulled out the hairs on his body one by one. After pulling out, he said to the polar bear: "It's so cold!" The polar bear listened.

2. Xiao Ming lost a leg in a car accident.

Xiao Ming lost another leg in a car accident,

Xiao Ming lost his other leg in another car accident,

Xiao Ming lost him again in a car accident A leg,

In fact, Xiao Ming is a dog.

3. One day, Cabbage was walking on the road and felt very hot, so he took off one piece after another.

4. There was a bun walking on the road, and I felt very hungry, so I ate it myself.

5. Xiao Ming and Xiao Hong were at the same table. One day, Xiao Ming asked him. Xiaohong borrowed a pen,

Xiaohong said "No"

"You will die if you lend it to me! "

Then, Xiaohong said: "Oh, let me lend it to you."

When Xiaoming returned the pen to Xiaohong, Xiaohong was really dead.

6. Once upon a time, there was a little lamb. One day he went out to play and met the big bad wolf. The big bad wolf said, "I'm going to eat you!" ! ! "

Guess what happened?

As a result, the big bad wolf ate the lamb.

7. Chongchong: Xiaohua, you use mine Do you have a pencil?

Xiaohua: No, I’m useless.

Chongchong: Are you really useless?

Xiaohua: I’m useless!

Chongchong: Alas, you are the 17th person to admit that you are useless

8. When will Taiwan want to be reunified?

When buying instant noodles?

9. One day Xiaoqiang asked his father: "Dad, am I a stupid boy? Dad said: "Silly boy, how can you be a stupid boy?" ”

10. A medium-rare steak and a medium-rare steak met on the street. Why didn’t they say hello? (Assuming they can speak)

Because... ...They are not familiar with each other~~~~~~~~

11. Devil: God, can I be reincarnated?

God: Yes.

Devil: I don’t want to be a devil anymore. I want to be as white as an angel and have a pair of wings, but I still want to suck blood.

God: Well, you can be reincarnated as a Hushu Bao.

12. A man met God one day

God suddenly became kind and planned to give the man a wish

God asked: Do you have any wish?

The man thought for a while and said: I heard that cats have 9 lives, so please give me 9 lives!

God said: Your wish comes true!

One day, the man was bored,

I wanted to just die, since I have 9 lives anyway

He just lay on the railway track,

As a result, a train passed by,

The man was still dead.

Why was this?

Because the train had 10 carriages. .

13. Xiao Ming owed 200,000 yuan to the underground bank. Xiao Ming begged him to give in for a few more days.

The people at the bank said: "It must be paid back tomorrow, otherwise..., Chop off 2 fingers;

The day after tomorrow... I will chop 4 fingers; on the third day..."

Xiao Ming: "Don't you need to return it?"

The banker said: "NO, then you will become Tinker Bell.

”

14. There was a man who had a bad gastrointestinal condition. One day, he came to the gastroenterology hospital for treatment and said to the doctor: “I poop whatever I eat, watermelon and watermelon, cucumber and cucumber!” Doctor After thinking about it, he said to him: "I think you can only eat shit!"

15. Three little animals were chatting in the forest. The little pig said: Nicknames are popular nowadays, so you can call me after you. My little piggy. Little Rabbit said: OK, then I will be called Little Rabbit. The chicken looked unhappy and said: I still have something to do, let’s go first

16. I went to the hospital alone to see a doctor. The doctor said: You need a blood test, a urine test, and a stool test

After a while, he came back and said to the doctor: I also swallowed blood. I also swallowed urine. But I really can’t swallow stool.

There are three people in the family, named Robber, Chopper, Trouble

One day, Trouble disappeared. The robber came to the Public Security Bureau with a kitchen knife and said to the police: "Hello, I am a robber. I brought a kitchen knife to come to Trouble."

Heehee and Haha They were a pair of good friends, very good friends.

One day, Haha died. Hehe was very sad. He walked to Haha's grave and said: "Haha, you are dead."

On Monday, I got on the bus with nothing but the 1 yuan for the ride. Sitting from the starting station to the final station, I felt peaceful all the way. But when I got off the bus at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "Isn't it a shame for an adult to go out without taking anything with him? --"

On Tuesday, I carried a broken wallet , containing 1 cent. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in the wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession.--"

On Wednesday, I still broke my wallet. There was 100 counterfeit bills inside. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in the wallet: "It is illegal to hide fake copies of large denominations privately, please consciously go to the relevant departments and hand them in. -- "

Thursday , I took an envelope with a stack of expired Straits Talent Newspaper in it. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the envelope was still there. I took out the newspaper and took a look. The newspaper had been replaced by the latest Straits Talent News. I took a note with me: "This is the era of consultation. Only by updating information in a timely manner can we seize opportunities and win success." ! -- ”

On Friday, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. When I arrived at the terminal, I still had my phone with an extra note: "Please don't make this joke and affect the normal work of our company. --"

On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it on my waist. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the gun was missing and a note was stuffed in the waistband of my trousers: "I hate you robbers the most, you have no technical skills at all! Confiscate the crime tools! --"

On Sunday, I I was about to get on the bus, but there were too many people and I couldn’t squeeze in. While I was waiting for the next bus, I touched my pocket and found an extra 20 bucks and a note: "Brother, it's not easy for people in our line of work to be exposed to the sun and wind all day long. Here's my 20 bucks." , take a taxi wherever you want to go, please stop teasing us."

The three mice are bragging. One said: "I eat rat poison as candy, and I feel uncomfortable if I don't eat it for a day." The other said: "I love walking down the street twice a day, otherwise I can't sleep well." The third mouse said: "Oh my God. It’s late, go home and hug the cat to sleep.”

The couple was fighting for a child, and the wife said confidently: “If the child comes out of my belly, of course it belongs to me!” The husband said: “That’s a joke! Badao. Can the money taken out of the ATM go to the ATM?

A mother said to a little girl: "If someone sexually harasses you, just say it." "No," touch the bottom and say "stop!"

The next day, the little girl came back crying and told her mother. After hearing what the little girl said, the mother said angrily: "You Did you reject that person? ”

The little girl looked at her mother with innocent eyes, nodded and said, “That person touched him up and down, so I said “No~stop”!!”

Ge Liang is a man who is proficient in eight kinds of arts, one of which is ventriloquism.

But on this day, Zhuge Liang was discussing things with Liu Bei in the tent. Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart, but he was afraid that Liu Bei would hear him, so he was embarrassed. He had an idea and said: "My lord, in order to adjust the atmosphere, how about I imitate the woodpecker call and call it to you?" Liu Bei nodded.

Zhuge Liang imitated a woodpecker and called twice, taking the opportunity to fart. Then he asked: "How is it, my lord? Do I learn the same thing?" Liu Bei said: "You can learn it again. You farted so loudly just now that I didn't hear it."

p>

It was the first time for a primary school student to participate in the school's recitation competition. He was very nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweaty. It was finally her turn.

The primary school student gritted his teeth and walked to the center of the stage in a few steps: "Teachers and classmates, the title of my recitation is: The red leaves are crazy (maple)..."~~·#￥* *......

When I was still a primary school student, I was particularly envious when I saw my classmates who were asked by the teacher to read their compositions. I always hoped that the teacher would let me read them once. The opportunity finally came.

"So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!"

The primary school student suddenly stood up and said: ""My Teacher". Teacher, I am so much like you. My mother...": (

This time it was a poorly trained host of a song and dance troupe.

During a performance, I rushed on stage without preparing properly. .

The performance continued

It was her turn to announce: "Friends in the audience, please listen to Duzi's flute playing..." (Note: "Duzi" means an insult in Northeastern dialect)

The audience was in awe·#￥-

My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender.

My sister saw it when she came home during the Chinese New Year, and happily said to my mother: "Hey! Mom, these are really green onions..."

My mother and I both I laughed.

There is a neighbor I call "Auntie" who rides a bicycle to work every day.

When I met her at the door early in the morning, I smiled and said politely: "Go up." Girl, the senior class..."

Bah!... I wanted to bite my tongue off at that time.

A certain female classmate was feeling pity for herself one day. Suddenly he turned to the person behind him and said, "Is my chest hair beautiful?"

Shocked, he then said, "Oh, I wanted to ask if my eyebrows are fierce."

Everyone stand up! Play the national flag, raise the national anthem...

There is also a text taken from a Russian writer's novel: The houses here are owned by lords (referring to rich people) ).

As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to the gentlemen. As soon as he finished speaking, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully: Where do all the old ladies live?

Electrical Appliances holds a joke telling competition, stipulating that each appliance must tell a joke and make every audience laugh, otherwise they will be arrested and sent to Aruba

The first person to appear was the washing machine. As soon as he finished telling the joke, the whole audience burst into laughter.

Suddenly the rice cooker was heard saying: "It's so cold~~~"

So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.

The smartest computer came next. As soon as his joke was finished, all the household appliances laughed.

I heard the rice cooker say again: "It's so cold~~~"

So! The computer was also taken to Aruba

The third one is the most humorous. Table lamp. After the table lamp told the joke very confidently, everyone was rolling on the ground laughing.

The rice cooker said again: "It's so cold~~~"

Just as the table lamp was about to start. When he was taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily, turned his head and said to the refrigerator sitting behind him: "I've had enough. Just smile. Don't open your mouth so wide. It's very cold!"

Electrical Appliances holds a joke-telling contest, stipulating that each appliance must tell a joke and make every audience laugh, otherwise they will be arrested and sent to Aruba.

The first person to appear was the washing machine. As soon as he finished telling the joke, the whole audience laughed.

Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say: "It's so cold~~~"

So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.

The smartest computer came next. As soon as he finished telling his joke, all the household appliances laughed.

I heard the rice cooker say again: "It's so cold~~~"

So! The computer was also taken to Aruba.

The third place is the most humorous lamp. Desk Lamp finished telling the joke very confidently, and everyone was rolling on the ground laughing.

The rice cooker said again: "It's so cold~~~"

Just when the lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned his head He said to the refrigerator sitting behind him: "I've had enough. Just smile and don't open your mouth so wide. It's cold!"

Electrical appliances held a joke telling contest and stipulated that each appliance must Tell a joke and make everyone in the audience laugh, or you'll be arrested and taken to Aruba.

The first person to appear was the washing machine. As soon as he finished telling the joke, the whole audience laughed.

Suddenly I heard the rice cooker say: "It's so cold~~~"

So the washing machine was taken to Aruba.

The smartest computer came next. As soon as he finished telling his joke, all the household appliances laughed.

I heard the rice cooker say again: "It's so cold~~~"

So! The computer was also taken to Aruba.

The third place is the most humorous lamp. Desk Lamp finished telling the joke very confidently, and everyone was rolling on the ground laughing.

The rice cooker said again: "It's so cold~~~"

Just when the lamp was about to be taken to Aruba, the rice cooker stood up angrily and turned his head Said to the refrigerator sitting behind him: "I've had enough. Just smile and don't open your mouth so wide. It's cold!"

Ugly Child

A woman Holding a child in his arms and getting on the bus. The driver glanced at the child and suddenly said: "I have never seen such an ugly child in my life!"

The angry woman walked to the last row, sat down, and said to a man next to her: "This driver just insulted me!"

The man replied: "Hurry up and settle the score with him, and I will hold this ugly monkey for you!..."

Talk Bad Mandarin Jokes

1. The fish seller kept shouting at the top of his lungs: "Fish, fish." A date seller next to him was not to be outdone, and immediately shouted: "Oops ( Jujube, jujube. "Fish." The two quarreled.

2. The director of a township enterprise is about to visit Kobe, Japan. He cannot even speak Mandarin and usually only speaks dialects. So he asked his subordinates to find a translator. The subordinates came back and reported: "None of the Japanese translators can understand the factory director's dialect." The factory director said: "This is easy to handle. We will bring another teacher from this town and ask him to translate our dialect into Mandarin first." The subordinate said: "It's not possible yet. When we get to Japan, we have to hire someone to translate the Japanese dialect into Mandarin." 'Putonghua' is translated into Kobe's dialect. "

3. A foreigner with a strong dialect got lost in the city. When he saw a gentle lady approaching, he went up to him and asked: " Rabbit (comrade), give me a kiss..." Before she could finish her words, the lady's face turned red with anger.

4. A southerner came to a snack bar in Beijing and asked the waitress: "How much does it cost to sleep for one night (a bowl of dumplings)?" When the waiter heard this, his expression changed drastically and he said sharply: " Rogue!" When the southerners heard this, they said: "It's only six cents, cheap, come one night (bowl)"

5. A pair of farmer brothers and sisters used a cart to pull wheat to the market to sell. A southerner came to their brother and sister and asked, "Brother, how do you sell your little sister (wheat)?" The eldest brother was so angry that veins popped out on his forehead.

6. Uncle Niu was shouting: "We are selling mooncakes, four yuan for ten." Many people gathered around to buy the "cheap" mooncakes. When they paid, they realized that the old man's mooncakes were Four for ten bucks.

7. The elderly in the nursing home held a party on the night of the Mid-Autumn Festival. The host, Mrs. Wang, said: "Everyone, the performance has begun (started). Please be quiet."

8 A northerner asked where the "cable car" was in a park in Guangzhou. He searched for it according to the answer and found the "men's toilet".

9. In the early morning of the first day after a couple got married, the family got up and washed their faces. The bride respectfully said to her mother-in-law: "Mother-in-law, please wash (wash) first." After that, the bride said again He said to the groom: "My mother-in-law is dead, how about you die?" After a pause, he said, "My mother-in-law and you are both dead, and I will die last." After hearing this, the mother-in-law turned pale and could not say a word. The bride then said: "Mother-in-law, why are you not dead yet?"

10. An old Putian woman was selling sugar cane on the roadside. A bus stopped and a foreigner in the car came to the old woman's stall. I bought sugar cane before. I had just weighed the sugar cane and before I paid, the car started. The old lady urged: "Hurry up, give me your money, and I will marry you (cane)." The outsider was so frightened that he didn't even take the sugar cane and quickly got into the car.

11. A country girl came to the supermarket, and the waiter greeted her enthusiastically: "Miss, what do you want?" The girl said: "I want your life (noodles), pig grandson (bamboo shoots)."

12. Chunhua met a friend who was taking her son shopping. She hurriedly came up to say hello and praised: "This little wolf boy (boy) is so cute."

13. 1 It was class in a rural primary school, and the teacher walked into the classroom: "Stand (on) class." The students said in unison: "Good old and die (teacher)!" The teacher said: "Students who vomit blood, good on their death (on) early!"

14. Two country girls came back from the city. It was getting late. They saw a truck approaching and waved to the truck. The driver stuck his head out and one of the girls said: "Comrade, we can do this." (Sit in) your wife (car)?" The driver said angrily: "Who wants you to be my wife?" The other girl quickly said: "It doesn't matter, we are very close." The driver was very angry. As the car drove away, I thought: "Who will go with you personally?"

15. The village chief said at the village meeting: "Rabbits and shrimps, pickles are too expensive. I don't want pickles, I want pigs." Hoof. "Translated from his dialect into Mandarin: Comrades and fellow villagers, this is a meeting, don't talk, please pay attention.

When my friend and I first moved, there was no TV at home and we were very bored. We pretended there was a TV on the table, and then the two of us pretended to have remote controls in our hands and could change the channel. This bastard kept changing the channel. I told him, but he didn't listen, and then we started fighting.

The teacher asked Xiao Ming a question in class, but Xiao Ming stood up but remained silent.

Teacher: Xiao Ming?

Teacher: Xiao Ming

Teacher: Xiao Ming! What's the matter with you? Do you know the answer? At least give it a squeak!

Xiao Ming: Zhi~

Three little rabbits poop

The first one is long.

The second one is spherical.

The third one is actually triangular.

Asked, it replied: I squeezed it with my hands.

Zhu Bajie was making out with Chang'e on the moon. Suddenly a black shadow passed by. Zhu Bajie hurriedly picked up the nail rake and chased him out. After a while, he came back and said: Damn it, Yang Liwei ......

A man kept a parrot, which was so powerful that it killed other birds kept with it.

Later, the owner brought back an eagle and placed it with it. When the owner came to take a look, there were parrot feathers hanging outside the cage.

The master said: "I won't do it this time."

But when I looked carefully, I saw that the eagle was dead, and the parrot was naked and said: "This grandson It's so amazing, I can't beat Ya Ting without taking off my shirt.

"

Have you ever heard the joke "The big pig says yes, and the little pig says no?" Most people will answer no

I was playing CS in an Internet cafe not far away. The mainstream was playing Jin 5, and they were pressing the keyboard! I was very unhappy!

So, I also started pressing the keyboard! I pressed hard! I pressed hard! I pressed faster than them! Than they They still rang!

They couldn't help but look over, and I deliberately glanced at them contemptuously! Their expressions changed and they glared at me fiercely! I immediately stared back!

They continued to play Jin 5 with livid faces, but the noise exceeded me!

How could I accept it? So, I simply slapped the keyboard with my palm! Hit it hard! Hit it hard!

The two guys lost their enthusiasm at first glance and started hitting the keyboard! The sound was louder than mine again!

How could I give up? Immediately hit the keyboard with my fists! Hit it hard! Hit it hard!

The two people looked at each other and started hitting the keyboard! The sound exceeded me again! I didn’t give up! I ripped off the keyboard! Throw it directly to the ground! I stepped on it hard! Step hard!

Everyone in the Internet cafe gave me the warmest applause! Those two non-mainstream people were dumbfounded and at a loss!

However, when I provoked After looking at me, they were also angry! They also tore off the keyboard! Throw it on the ground and crush it to pieces! Then they looked at me provocatively!

At this time, the network administrators of the Internet cafe Surrounded them! A network administrator looked at the keyboard that was trampled to pieces by them, and slapped him! Then the network administrators swarmed up and beat the two non-mainstream people!

Finally, two The non-mainstream people were lying on the ground. One of the non-mainstream people pointed at me and asked weakly: "Why don't you... hit him?"

A network administrator kicked him: "He is beating him." CS, bring your own keyboard!"

One day on the bus, a woman left her seat to buy a ticket. When she came back, she found that her seat was occupied by another woman. So I was very reluctant and said loudly: It's not possible to lay eggs, but occupying the nest is very fast. The woman sitting on the seat heard it, stood up quickly, and said with a smile: I'm sorry for delaying you in laying eggs!

A man kept a parrot, which was so powerful that it killed all the other birds kept with it.

Later, the owner brought back an eagle and placed it with it. , when the owner came to see it, there were parrot feathers hanging outside the cage.

The owner said: "I won't do it this time." "

But after a closer look, the eagle was dead, and the parrot was naked and said: "This grandson is really powerful. He really can't beat Ya Ting if he doesn't take off his shirt." "

A driver drove a truck full of hens and teased his parrot while driving. A beautiful girl hit the truck. The driver put the parrot in the truck box with the hens and asked the beautiful girl to sit on it. In the cab. After driving for a while, the driver tentatively asked the beauty: "Can I kiss you?" "The beauty shook her head very shyly and said, "No. After waiting for a while, the driver reluctantly asked again: "Can I give you a hug?" The beauty still shook her head and said, "No." The driver said angrily: "If it doesn't work, get off." "After driving for a while, the driver felt that what he was doing was very ungentlemanly, so he went back and asked the beautiful woman to get in the car. But after driving for a while, the driver asked again without giving up: "Can I kiss you?" The beauty still shook her head, "Can I give you a hug?" The beauty still shook her head, "If it doesn't work, go down." "After repeating this three times, we finally arrived at the chicken farm. The driver opened the car and saw that there were not many hens left. The parrot picked up one of the hens and asked, "Can I kiss the beauty?" "The hen shook her head desperately, and the parrot asked again: "Can I hug the beauty? The hen still shook her head. The parrot said: "If not, go down." "The hen was thrown out of the car...

The little white rabbit was walking in the forest. When he met the big bad wolf, he came up and gave the little white rabbit two The big-eared sticker said, "I asked you not to wear a hat." The little white rabbit withdrew in aggrieved manner.

The next day, she skipped out of the house wearing a hat and met the big bad wolf again. He walked up to the little white rabbit and gave the little white rabbit two big mouths and said, "I Let you wear a hat."

Rabbit was depressed. After thinking for a long time, I finally decided to complain to the king of the forest, Tiger.

After explaining the situation, Tiger said, "Okay, I understand. I will handle this matter. You have to trust the organization." That same day, the tiger found his buddy, the big bad wolf. "It's not right for you to do this. It's making it difficult for me." After saying that, he wiped the cigarette ashes falling on the table: "Do you think this is okay? You can say, Tutu, come here and find me a piece of meat." Go! She asked for a fat one, and you said you wanted a thin one. Then you could beat her up, Tutu. I’m looking for a woman. She’s looking for a plump one, and you say you like a slim one. She’s looking for a slim one, and you’re looking for a plump one. You can beat her properly and forcefully.” The big bad wolf nodded frequently and clapped his hands, and his respect for the tiger once again reached a new peak. Unexpectedly, the above guidance work was overheard by the little white rabbit who was weeding the tiger's house outside the window. I feel this hatred in my heart.

The next day, the little white rabbit went out again. What a coincidence, the big bad wolf came towards him. The Big Bad Wolf said: "Rabbit, come here and find me a piece of meat." Rabbit said: "Then, do you want a fat one or a thin one?" After hearing this, the Big Bad Wolf's heart sank. Another joy, I said to myself, luckily there is Plan B. He then said: "Tutu, find me a woman quickly." Tutu asked: "So, do you like plump ones or slim ones?" The big bad wolf was silent for 2 seconds, raised his hand and said more I gave Tutu two big-eared posts. "Damn, I asked you not to wear a hat."

The little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked: "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Ah, I'm so sorry, there aren't that many"

"That's it..." The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly.

The next day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Sorry, there are still none."

"That's it..." The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly.

On the third day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

The boss said happily: "Yes. Yes, we have a hundred buns today!”

Little White Rabbit took out the money: “Great, I’ll buy two!”