Women's humorous jokes

With the increasing pressure of modern life, many people will release their pressure in some ways, and jokes are one of them. The following are my carefully arranged female humor jokes. Welcome to read!

1) ? Lao Zhang's lawyer said to him, "There is good news and bad news." Lao Zhang said, "Tell me the good news first." The lawyer said, "The good news is that your wife found a photo worth 200 thousand." Lao Zhang asked, "What's the bad news?" The lawyer said, "That's a photo of you and your secretary."

2) ? One day, Wang Nima went to the bathhouse to take a bath. It's cool to find an uncle to dance with. So Wang Nima went to ask him for advice. Wang Nima: Uncle, how can you dance so cool? The dancing uncle came up to me without saying anything and turned my water temperature switch to the highest. Hit ... your sister!

3) ? I found the beautiful woman on the opposite table staring at me. I am so excited. Is it because of my new skirt? Or is it because of my new hairstyle yesterday? My heart is beating, let alone how happy I am! At this moment, she stood up, walked slowly towards me and said to me affectionately, Brother, can you put on your shoes in the restaurant? This is a restaurant, not a foot washing shop. If you take off your shoes, how can we eat?

4) ? Lao Zhang suffered from insomnia and went to the hospital to see a doctor. The doctor said, "When you can't sleep at night, just lie in bed and take a deep breath. Imagine that you are at the seaside, and the sea is beating against the coast wave by wave." A few days later, Lao Zhang said to the doctor when he visited again, "No, I still can't sleep!" " The doctor asked, "You didn't do it my way, did you?" Lao Zhang said, "I did exactly as you said." The doctor said, "Then why can't you sleep?" Lao Zhang said: "There are always some beautiful women in bikinis walking around the shore!"

5) ? I asked my niece: What's the score today? The niece said: 93 points. I took the test paper and looked at it. I said, You got 3 points, and you dare to say that you got 93 points. That's a lie! As a result, she cried and said, I said, just 3 points!

6) ? Lz28 (true age) was chatting with an uncle at a roadside stall. Grandpa: The young man is 40 this year? Cut your ignorance _ Me: Where? I am 48 years old. Grandpa: I can't see it! Quite young! This makes me speechless.

7) ? Three men are discussing ways to reduce drunkenness. A said, "My wife always prepares fruit, cold boiled water and strong tea for me, and I am much more awake the next morning!" " B said, "Your treatment is not as good as mine!" My wife wakes up in the middle of the night every time she massages me! "C shook his head disdainfully and said," Fuck, I usually wake up when I get drunk and go home! "Party A and Party B asked curiously," What hangover medicine did your wife prepare for you? " "Mops, soles and rolling pins!" Qin Feng said flatly.

8) ? Recently, constipation is very serious and painful. I just went to the toilet to squat, and a buddy in the pit next to me was groaning dully. I asked him, "Are you constipated?" Buddy: "Hmm." After a few minutes, suddenly there was a "hiss" from my little friend's pit. I said with some envy, "Congratulations!" The little friend replied: "Grass, I dropped my mobile phone."

9) ? Every day, the girl will come to his shop for dinner, sit by the window and order two sets of meals. Every time he asked how many dinners he had had, she was always embarrassed to say that she had had two, but then she ate silently alone. He thought maybe someone was with the girl, but that person had already left. Finally, one day, he wanted to ask and listen to the girl's story, but he heard the girl say to himself, "Two servings are too small, not enough to eat at all!" "

10) ? My mother dragged me out shopping this morning. She said she didn't want to disturb my father's sleep. Just leave him a note. I watched her take hundreds of dollars out of my dad's wallet, and then left a note for my dad, "I took my child out shopping and took some money from your wallet." Okay？ All right. "Then my mother took me to spend money with peace of mind.

1 1) ? I once asked the abbot of a temple. I asked him, what would you do if a woman was lying naked in your room? I saw the abbot put his hands together and said, Amitabha, how can this be such a good thing? Is there a man in this world who can resist this temptation? Really?

12) ? I have been single for more than 20 years. Today, I went to the fortune teller to calculate a divination. The fortune teller said that I would have good luck in the near future, and gave me a business card to tell me the details by phone. In the evening, I called the phone above and a woman answered it. I talked with her for a while, and she promised to wait for me at the hotel. That night, it cost me 800 yuan to charter a car at night, but I still think the fortune teller is really accurate.

13) ? Grandma, mom, chat with me in the living room. "Mom, look, all my classmates are married!" "Be content, my classmates have all gone abroad, and I don't envy them." Mom said. Grandma said unhurriedly, "Are you both satisfied? My classmates are all attending the funeral! " "

14) ? Once the teacher said the word "greed" in class. The bell rang suddenly, and the teacher said that I would talk for a while so that you could absorb more knowledge. I said, "Teacher, we are not greedy, so much knowledge is enough." Teacher, don't be greedy and stop wasting our time. "Then the teacher beat me and left.

15) ? The nurse said to the dean, "The patient in bed 12 has a heart attack again." The hospital director said, "When did this happen? Isn't he cured? " The nurse said, "It was when I saw the medical bill for discharge."

16) ? The doctor sadly announced to the patient, "Your condition is hopeless! Please arrange a funeral! " The patient lay in the hospital bed, waved feebly and said, "Yes, yes." Family members approached and asked, "What?" The patient said, "Change the doctor!"

17) ? Two people are discussing the hospital bill, which was opened by Lao Wang, the president of the hospital, to Xiao Zhang, a new father. Xiao Zhang said: "The delivery room is too expensive. You should know that I didn't send my wife in time. The child was born on the lawn of the hospital. " Wang Chuang took the bill, crossed out the delivery room fee and filled in the lawn use fee.

18) ? A child accidentally swallowed a coin and everyone was very anxious. At this time, a middle-aged man strode forward, grabbed the child and picked him up. The big head shook a few times and the child spit out coins. The child's parents thanked him and asked, "Are you a doctor?" He said, "No, I work in the tax bureau."

19) ? The salted fish asked the Zen master, It is said that salted fish sometimes turn over, so when can I turn over? Zen master: Don't worry, you will turn over soon. The Zen master said to the monks, We have had enough here. Let's eat the other side! As he spoke, he turned the salted fish over.

20) ? I played with my daughter-in-law all day today, and I want to go to a restaurant for dinner in the evening. I want to ask my daughter-in-law what to eat. Daughter-in-law said: Just go to KFC, a bucket for the whole family. I said, can you pursue something? The daughter-in-law thought for a long time and said, then come to two barrels!

2 1) ? My roommate, surnamed Zhang, is seeing someone. They are inseparable every day. One day, they quarreled, and her roommate was still crying, so she gritted her teeth and stamped her feet and said to herself, after we get married, we will have children, take your last name. His date just smiles through tears. But the problem is that his partner is also surnamed Zhang. How clever he is!

22) ? Old people will say thank you, young people! When I give up my seat, those people will say thank you, fatty! Give me my seat back!

23) ? I finally see how many words women can say today. Today, I went to work, turned on the elevator and saw two beautiful women staring at me blankly. I asked, what's wrong with me? A beautiful woman said: no, we have been chatting for more than half an hour, wondering why the elevator hasn't arrived for so long. You came in and found that we forgot to press it!

24) ? Living and sleeping with a same-sex friend, I don't know what position to sleep in, since my stupid friend checked the precautions during menstruation online (online said that the most important thing is not to oppress the nerves), so I always keep the posture of backrest, because I am afraid of the cold, so I lean very tightly. Suddenly, she drank: don't squeeze my sanitary napkin out of shape, or you will wash the sheets tomorrow …

25) ? Lili: "Is your license plate number 16888?" Xiaohong: "Yes." Lili: "I almost saw your husband and a charming woman today!" " "Xiao Hong:" What? Lili: "Today I saw a car with the license plate number 16887. There is a man and a woman in the car. " "

26) ? "What can I do? My mother doesn't like every girlfriend of mine. " Xiao Gang said to his friend. The friend said, "That's easy, just find a girlfriend like you!" " "Xiao gang said," that my dad doesn't agree! "

27) ? A long-winded man asked, "Why is your pig so embarrassed?" The neighbor said, "Because he refused to eat." The wordy man asked, "Why?" The neighbor said, "I refused to eat because my mouth was too long." The wordy man asked, "Why is your mouth too long to eat?" The neighbor said, "With a long mouth like this, you only care about getting to the bottom of it. Where can you afford to eat?"

28) ? Once I saw a sad movie in the cinema, the little master's tears came down. When everyone on the side took out their paper towels, they made a very untimely sound ... that is, snoring, louder and louder. The young master experienced the so-called smile through tears. Later, it was estimated that his girlfriend called him, and the snoring disappeared. Soon after, when the next sad scene appeared, the snoring sounded at the right time ~ drunk, really intoxicating, young master didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

29) ? A group of men followed a girl nearby, and I followed her secretly in unknown so. The person next to me told me that this girl is good and shows off beautiful legs. No wonder you followed her secretly! I didn't know it was a beating, damn it. Turned out to be a bodyguard hiding in the dark.

30) ? I stopped at a red light and accidentally farted. It stinks. Just press the window. To my surprise, I saw a beautiful woman in a neighboring alley. I nodded shyly, but the beauty rolled down the window and smiled at me. So I pushed myself and asked, "Did you fart, too?"

3 1) ? It rained today. It's a little fast to drive out to play. There was a pool of water on the side of the road, and I accidentally spilled it all over my buddy. I stopped to go back and apologize to this guy. When I went back, I threw it all over him again. Now I'm embarrassed and ready to go. And I spilled it all over him again! The rearview mirror saw this guy with a brick in his hand and glared at the front.

32) ? I had a barbecue with a group of people the other day. It was delicious! I handed a chicken wing next to me and said something that I will never forget. "Eat another one and watch what you chew, and the dog will cry."

33) ? There is a sister paper in the company that can't print fingerprints every day (many people have this experience). Today, she punched me in the face. I told her to give you a chance. If you can't hit it, you can give it to me As a result, you really missed. Paper sister rubbed her thumb on my face, and then cried out, borrow your handsome face. You guessed it. My nickname now is punch artifact!

34) ? Xiaowen's grandfather told Xiaowen a story: "Thirty years ago, it would be very poor here. I was waiting for the bus at the station with your father in my arms. People laughed at your ugly father, so I cried. A kind fruit seller handed me a banana and said, "Don't cry, nephew. Look, the monkeys are hungry. They have lost all their hair. "Give it this banana quickly."

35) ? Today, my friend had a fight with a Wang across the street. The two children look surprisingly similar. As a result, the children of Lao Wang next door are friends. ...

36) ? Today, my friend moved to a new home, a newly developed community, with this as the background. I went to my friend's house for a day, but this is my first time. I don't know. Then when I took the elevator, a sister went up with me. It's beautiful. She pressed the elevator first, only to see that she took a pencil out of her pocket and pressed it. I thought to myself, there are cleanliness addicts, and I really don't understand those cleanliness addicts. Then I pressed it, and the damn elevator leaked electricity.

37) ? Suddenly, a man took a little girl into a public bathhouse to take a bath. All the guests in the bathhouse felt at a loss. What's more, when the little girl saw that thing, she even asked, Dad, which thing is what? Why didn't I? You have to buy me one.

38) ? A friend of mine finally bought a car and took me for a ride. When he arrived at a village, chickens flew and dogs jumped, and bodies were everywhere. Difficult friends don't know how much it will cost. After returning home, they invited their brothers and sisters to eat roast chicken, roast duck and roast dog.

39) ? I saw many married and loving people in my circle of friends, and I was very moved. I told my mother next door that I wanted to get married, too. Who knows, the mother was surprised and shouted at her father who was watching TV: old man, your stupid son finally found the trick. ...

40) ? A colleague just bought a new car with a temporary license plate! Other colleagues told him that temporary cards can run red lights, that's all right! When I went to work the next day, I was happy to tell us that it was fucking cool to run a red light! On the third day, I got angry and said that I was deducted 6 points! When asked how the temporary card was detained, he said that he didn't know, and the traffic police stopped him and detained him. Brother, who let you see the traffic police breaking in?

4 1) ? In the evening, an uncle pulled Ma Touqin by the bridge. He stopped to listen for a while, and so did a big brother in front of me. After a while, the music stopped, and big brother shouted at once, the three strings are really unique. I clearly saw the old man put away his musical instrument and coughed twice: this is erhu. Don't scream if you don't know This is not shameful enough. My brother left with a red face and a thick neck. Just now, I thought, what kind of instrument is that?

42) ? Leader, the bonus you gave me is a bit large. Is it? Let me see. I like honest employees like you. decimal point ...

43) ? Today, I watched Fools Move Mountains again. The spirit of Yugong deeply touched me and inspired me: Let's find a girlfriend first, or someone will give me a son without a son.

44) ? A female friend was lovelorn and said, Goddess doesn't cry. Line up for comments below. The goddess doesn't cry, but stands up and sighs. My cheap comment, the goddess didn't cry, stood up and gave me a sigh of relief, and the result was blacked out.

45) ? I sat next to Assange in India by plane and chatted for a while. Sang said it's too inconvenient for you people in China to eat with chopsticks. I said this is a kind of kung fu, a kind of culture. A San said he didn't understand, saying that it was better to use his hands, not limited by methods and ingredients, and it tasted great! I got angry when I heard it. I refused to accept special treatment and got off the plane and went straight to the hot pot restaurant with Sam. ......

46) ? Driving to work this morning, a small BMW chased me. When I got off the bus, I saw a M M driving. I saw this M M crying and said, I was wrong, I was wrong, please forgive me! When I looked at this M M, I couldn't bear to cry. I said to her, it's not that I don't forgive you, it's really your sister-in-law, and I dare not forgive you.

47) ? I almost fell asleep in the car today. Already: I fell asleep when I fell asleep How amazing. I'm a fucking driver!

48) ? A colleague happily went home for a blind date, and then came back without saying anything! Out of curiosity, we went to his house together, and then we saw a woman at the same level as his mother ... my colleagues and I were shocked!

49) ? After the winter vacation exam, the report card was issued, and I only got 18 in math. The report card was first changed to 78, but later I thought it was fake anyway, so I simply changed it to 98. Take it home. My mom said I changed my grades. I'm very upset. I don't want my mother to say again, "I clearly saw that it was 78 points. Why did I change it to 98 points?" But 78 is better than your previous exam. I still want to reward you.

50) ? On a table in a bar, two men look almost the same age. One of them was drunk and said loudly, "I slept with your mother." Suddenly, the whole house was quiet. Then the drunk said, "I slept with your mother." Everyone wants to see how the other man responds. Don't want to, the man said simply: "Dad, you are drunk. Let's go home! "

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