Jokes are badly needed (at least ten at a time)

1. A male deer walked faster and faster, and finally became a road (deer)! ! ! !

2. Two tomatoes cross the road, a car flies by, one of them can't escape and is squashed, and the other tomato points to the squashed tomato and laughs: dig hahaha, ketchup …

The wolf said, "I will eat you!" ! ! "Guess what?

As a result, the wolf ate the lamb.

4. The stone fights with the rice cake, and the stone flies and kicks the rice cake into the sea. ..........

Once upon a time, there was a pair of lovers who decided to join the army for life, so they made an oath with the girl, gave her a diamond ring, and agreed to meet her three years later today. At that time, the ring will be used as a wedding ring. Three years later, the girl has been waiting for the boy, but she can't. Sad and desperate, she threw the diamond ring into the sea and moved away. However, the boy has been waiting.

Rice cake! ! !

5. Is jiaozi a boy or a girl?

Answer the boy because jiaozi has a foreskin.

6. There is a duck named Xiao Huang. One day, he was hit by a car. He shouted, "Gung!" From then on, he became a cucumber! !

7. The matchstick suddenly felt itchy, so I reached out to scratch it and burned myself to death …

8. Once upon a time, there was a bird.

He passes through a cornfield every day.

But unfortunately,

One day, a fire broke out in the cornfield.

All the corn has turned into popcorn.

After the bird flew over, ...

I think it will be very cold if it snows. ...

9. When will Taiwan Province Province be reunified?

When buying instant noodles

10. Asun and appa have nothing to talk about, and time waits for no one.

A song: "Recalling childhood, the happiest thing is Children's Day."

Apa: "Youth Day is in ten years."

A song: "Father's Day is in ten years."

Apa: "It will be the days of the elderly in a few decades."

A song: "In a few decades."

Appa: Tomb-Sweeping Day.

1 1. Soldier: "Thirst ... Thirst ..."

Cao Cao: "Hold on a little longer! I have been to this place before, and I remember there is a merlin nearby, which may arrive in a moment. "

Soldier: "Oh! There are plums to eat! Oh! "

Half an hour later-Coss: "Master! The expedition found a lot of water! "

Cao Cao: "Ha ha ha ha, did you hear that? Finally, there is water to drink. "

Soldier: "If you don't go ... you must find Plum ..."12. A girl is lovelorn. I advised her: "Toads with two legs are hard to find, and men with three legs are plentiful!" "

13. One day, Xiao Qiang asked his father, "Dad, am I a stupid child?" Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?"

14. A medium-rare steak and a medium-rare steak meet in the street. Why don't they say hello? (assuming they can talk)

because ..............

because ................

Because they are all strangers ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

15. Question: How to make sparrows quiet?

Answer: Click.

Reason: Silence (silence).

16. A college student was unfortunately caught by the enemy. The enemy tied him to a telephone pole and asked him, "Say, where are you from?" I'll electrocute you if you don't tell me! ! ! "College students replied to the enemy's words and were electrocuted. ...

He said, "I'm from TV University!"

17.a: "I'll take you to a place where all girls don't wear bras."

B: "Really? Where is it? Take me away! "

A: "It's in the kindergarten next door!"

18. Wang, the host of Happy Dictionary, interviewed a program audience and asked, "Who is your favorite hostess?" The audience said, "It's you." Wang asked, "Why do you say that?" The audience said, "Because you look a bit like Yang Lan!"

19. Do you know what color Spider-Man is?

Red, wrong!

It is white.

Look at Spider-Man's English: Spider-Man (a white man)

20. Why did Xiao Ming fall?

Please think twice ........................

Because the floor is slippery.

2 1. After the party, a group of animals rushed into the 7- 1 1 convenience store to buy things. Because it was too noisy, the clerk knocked it out, but left the lamb alone in the store. Why?

Convenience stores are open 24 hours a day. ...

22. The glass and coffee cup crossed the road together, and suddenly someone shouted: Here comes the bus!

As a result, the glass was hit by a car and the coffee cup was fine. Why?

Coffee cups have ears!

23. A horse said that our company has launched a new product, Ass 3, or MP3…… for short ...

24. I hate two kinds of people most:

First, there is racial discrimination;

The second is black;

Third, I can't count!

25. Thanks to madoka ozawa Gang, Ran Asakawa, Ai Nagase, Sanzhu liang zi, Gao Qiao Maria, Kawamoto Dance, Youmu Pupil, Natsume Mishi, Naomai Qinchi, Shiraishi, Kudo Kwai, Seiichi Kosha, kishida fumio, Zewaixing, Fujisaki Ayaka, Yeshanづき and Chihiro Inoue. When I was in the worst spirit, they came to comfort me at the right time; When I was exhausted from playing CS, it was they who made me feel unobstructed pleasure. When I feel depressed, they make me feel excited ~

26. Now the accuracy of earthquake prediction has really improved a lot, only two words are missing this time: the prediction is in Heilongjiang, but the result is in Jiujiang!

27. Jane Zhang said, "My fans say my idol is Ying."

He Jie said: "My fans say my idol is Jay."

"My fans say my idol is Chang."

Chris Lee said: "You talk, I'll go first!"

28. Five Fuwa get together to chat.

Beibei suggested: Let's give ourselves a nickname. I'll call it Beva!

Jingjing: Then my name is Jingwa!

Huanhuan: My name is Huanwa!

Nini: My name is "Niwa"!

Yingying stood up and said, You can chat. I have something to do. I have to go first. ...

It is said that in 2058, five Fuwa got together to chat again.

Beibei: Let's talk about our nicknames again. People respect me very much and call me "Mr. Bei"!

Huanhuan: People call me "Ye Huan"!

Nini: Everyone calls me Grandpa Ni!

Yingying: Everyone calls me Yingying!

Jingjing stood up and said, You talk. I have something to do. I have to go first. ...

29. When winter came, I decided to keep the habit of taking a cold bath, but after washing, I found myself back to my childhood! ! !

30. Celery was walking when he suddenly felt a pain in his stomach. Then he said, "Shh!" What did you say he took out? That's celery dung (diligence)! ! ! What color is celery (vegetable) dung?

Answer: yellow.

Because: Qin Shihuang (Qin Shihuang)

3 1. There is a fat man.

Jump off the top of the twentieth floor. ...

It turned out to be .....

Fat man! !

1: Boyfriend and girlfriend share a room, and the woman draws a clear line and says, "It's animals who cross the border." Woke up and found that the man really didn't cross the line. The woman slapped the man hard: "You are worse than an animal."

The next day, the men and women in the same room still drew a cordon. The man took the last lesson and planned to cross the line late at night, but he didn't succeed because of nervousness. After dawn, the woman slapped the man and said, "I didn't expect you to be worse than an animal."

In the hospital, a family is very happy to have a baby. When the baby was born, he spoke. The child said, "Grandpa." Grandpa sighed when he died. The child said, "Grandma." Grandma sighed when she died. The child said, "Dad." His father died and saw that he was not dead. At this time, the child's uncle died.

3. Kangaroos and frogs fuck chickens. The kangaroo finished it with three strokes and two strokes, and only listened to the frog next door all night. One, two, three. Hey! Kangaroos are so envious. The next day, the kangaroo said, "Wow! ~ ~ Brother Frog, you are great! . "The frog said," Fuck, I didn't jump on the bed all night! " ~~"

4. I saw a person who didn't reply to the post in the supermarket that day. He quietly put his hand on the bar code scanner and saw the screen display: 8 yuan with trotters. He thought the machine was broken and put his face in the past. As a result, 5 yuan's pig head is displayed on the screen.

An elephant asked the camel, "Why do your breasts grow on your back?" The camel said,' Stay away from death, I won't tell Zhang what's on his face!

6. The kindergarten female teacher led the students to swim and accidentally showed an X hair. A student asked, Teacher, what is that? The female teacher pulled it out cruelly and said, thread!

7. The little girl always shows off her new toys to the little boy. The little boy had no choice but to take off his pants and say, you will never have this! The girl also took off her pants and said, my mother said that as long as you have this, you can have as many things as you want!

A row of prostitutes are waiting for guests in the street. An old lady in her 80s saw them and asked curiously, What are you waiting for? The prostitute said angrily, wait for the lollipop! The old woman lined up to join the team, waiting for sugar. As a result, she was arrested by the police. The policeman asked the old woman: Is it ok to have no teeth? The old woman smiled and said, I can lick it! ! !

9. The driver sent the leader to the literary evening, and the leader entered the venue. The driver was stopped by the security guard. The driver said: I am a system with the leader. The security guard said: Chicken X and eggs are also a system. Chicken X went in, but can eggs go in?

10: One day, a certain gentleman's wife gave birth to a baby. He rushed to the hospital to visit and waited for n hours. There was crying in the delivery room. He shouted happily, I'm dad! At this time, the doctor came out with a sad face and told him that the child was born deformed. A gentleman stayed there and didn't understand why. Suddenly, his wife's crying came from the delivery room: it was all because of the murder that day. If you don't reply, 99% people will laugh to death on the spot ... if you don't fall to the ground, then you are.

Mom: "What is this?" "I don't know. Mean? "

I said, "I don't know."

Mom: "I've been sending you to school for several years. Why don't you know anything!" " "

I said, "No! Just "I don't know"! ! "

Mom: "Still mouth shut! ! ! Tell me more about this. What does' I know' mean? "

I said, "I know."

Mom: "Tell me if you know."

I said, "I know."

Mom: "Pick on you?"

I said, "Yes, I know."

Mom: "I know you still don't say!" Don't pretend to understand! Be careful, you spend so much money to send you to school, and now you can't do anything, and you can still put on airs with your mother with such a trivial matter. I ask you the last one, you give me a good explanation, and I'll deal with you if you can't say it. What do you mean by' I know, but I don't want to tell you'? "

I fainted, picked up a pillow and hit my head more than 30 times, hit my head against the wall more than 40 times, slapped my mouth with my hands more than 50 times, and kicked the corner of the table with my legs more than 60 times. I asked my mother, "Are you satisfied now?"

People often say: learning is a painful process, but I don't understand why I always get hurt.

My mother's enthusiasm for learning English is growing, and my pain is getting deeper and deeper. Whenever my mother asks me about English, I will take some aspirin first, put on a bandage, and then transport it to the twelfth place.

So his old man came to ask me again: "Son, what do you mean,' I'm bored, don't bother me'?"

I said, "I'm bored. Leave me alone. "

Mom: "looking for a fight, talking to your mother like this."

Mom asked again, "What do you mean,' I didn't hear anything, repeat' mean? "

I said, "I didn't hear you clearly. Say it again. "

Mother said it again: "I didn't hear anything, repeat it."

"I didn't catch that. Say it again. " (The result was tied)

Mother asked again, "What do you mean by looking it up in the dictionary?"

I said, "Look it up in the dictionary."

"What else do I ask you to do in the dictionary?" (beaten)

Mother asked again, "How do you translate' you'd better ask someone else'?"

I said, "You'd better ask someone else."

"You are my son. I asked others what they were doing, looking for a fight. "

"ah! God help me! "

"Play with your mother, God can't save you!" (beaten)

"I ask you again, what do you mean by' use your head and think again'?"

I said, "Use your head and think again."

"Son of a bitch, don't you dare fool me." Then I have to do it again.

I quickly said, "It means that only mothers are good in the world."

"well. That's more like it. I'll make you something to eat later and ask you tomorrow. " I'm dizzy ~

43. Teacher: Honestly, do you smoke?

Boy a: no.

Teacher: No? Well, French fries, please.

Boy A naturally stretched out two fingers and took it. ...

Teacher: No? ! Call your parents ...

[Scene 2]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy b: no.

Teacher: No? Well, French fries, please.

B took the French fries carefully with her palm, because she heard about A.

Teacher: Aren't you going to dip in some ketchup?

B accidentally dipped too much, so he immediately flicked it with his finger. ...

Teacher: The posture of playing ash is very skillful. Call your parents ...

[Scene 3]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy c: no.

Teacher: no, ok, I'll have French fries.

Because of the first two examples, C carefully finished the French fries with sweat.

Teacher: Aren't you going to take a root home for your classmates?

C picked up the French fries and put them in his ear. ...

Teacher: No? Call your parents ...

[Scene 4]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy d: no.

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

Eating French fries in fear.

Teacher: Aren't you going to take a root home for your classmates?

D carefully put the chips in his upper pocket again.

The teacher suddenly shouted: The headmaster is coming!

D quickly took French fries out of his pocket and threw them on the ground, stepping on them with his feet. ...

Teacher: No? ! Call your parents ...

[Scene 5]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy e: no,

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

E just took French fries, and the teacher said, won't you invite me to eat?

E hurriedly handed me the French fries with both hands and then took out a lighter. ...

Teacher: No? ! Call your parents ...

[Scene 6]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy f: no.

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

I ate it in fear.

Teacher: Suddenly shouted: The headmaster is coming!

F sweaty palms, but still calmly bowed his head and said, hello, headmaster!

Teacher: The headmaster will smell your mouth.

F takes out the French fries: No, they are still there. The fire hasn't lit yet. ...

[Scene 7]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy G: I swear to God, I will never smoke again.

Teacher: You really don't smoke? Ok, let's have a French fries.

G naturally took the French fries and ate them clean.

Teacher: That's a good boy. What brand of French fries do you usually like?

(proudly): Greater China ...

[Scene 8]

Teacher: Have a portion of French fries.

Boy n: no, thanks.

Teacher: ...

44. Letter from the Tang Priest:

Dear Wukong, I write this letter slowly, because I know you can't read it quickly. We have moved, but the address hasn't changed, because we brought the house number when we moved.

It rained twice this week, the first time for 3 days and the second time for 4 days. Yesterday we went to buy pizza, and the clerk asked me whether to cut it into 8 pieces or 12 pieces. I said 8 yuan is enough, 12 yuan can't be eaten. The coat I sent you was afraid of being overweight, so I cut the button and put it in my pocket.

Chang 'e was born, because I don't know if it's a man or a woman, so I don't know if you should be an uncle or an aunt. Finally, I want to send you money, but the envelope has been sealed.

May day is coming, don't forget to tell the children something long, long ago:

At that time, the sky was blue, the water was green, crops were growing in the field, pork was safe to eat, mice were afraid of cats, the court was reasonable, marriage was the first thing to fall in love, barbershops only cared about haircuts, medicine could cure diseases, doctors saved lives, filming did not need to accompany the director to sleep, clothes were needed for taking pictures, the money owed was paid back, the father of the child was clear, and the school was not allowed.

45. In order to test the strength of the police in the United States, Hongkong and Chinese mainland, the United Nations put three rabbits in three forests to see who could find them first. In front of the first forest is the American police. They first spent a whole half-day meeting to formulate a battle plan and strictly divide the work, and then sent special forces to quickly enter the forest for a carpet search. As a result, the meeting was delayed, the rabbit ran away and the task failed! ! ! ! Then it's the turn of the Hong Kong police. They sent 100 people and dozens of police cars to line up outside the scene. The leader shouted with his horn, "Rabbit, Rabbit, you are surrounded, come out and surrender ..." Half a day passed, but nothing happened. The Flying Tigers went into the forest and searched again. There was no result and the mission failed! ! ! ! Finally, there are only four policemen in China. They played mahjong for a day first. At dusk, a man walked into the forest with a baton. In less than five minutes, they heard the screams of animals coming from the forest. The policeman in China came out laughing and talking with a cigarette in his mouth, dragging a black and blue bear behind him. The bear was dying and said, "Stop playing, I'm a rabbit ..."

46. Chairman: Li Shimin

Chairman of the Military Commission: Genghis Khan

Vice Chairman of the Central Military Commission: Mao Zedong.

Chairman of the National People's Congress: Sun Yat-sen

Premier the State Council: Zhuge Liang

Minister of Foreign Affairs: Zhou Enlai.

Foreign Ministry Spokesperson: Song Meiling

Minister of National Defense: Cao Cao

Minister of Education: Confucius

Minister of Health: Hua Tuo

Director of State Environmental Protection Administration: Lao Zi

Minister of Agriculture: Jia Sixie.

Minister of Water Resources: Dayu

Minister of Construction: Qin Shihuang

Zhang Heng is the Minister of Geology.

Zhan Zhao is the Minister of Public Security.

Xu Xiake is Minister of Land and Resources.

Director of the Development and Reform Commission: Shang Yang

Dean the Supreme People's Court: Bao Zheng

Director of the National Narcotics Control Bureau: Lin Zexu

Director of Women's Federation: Wu Zetian

Director of Press and Publication: Ji Xiaolan.

Li Wei, Minister of Logistics Department

Middle East envoy: Zhang Qian

Taiwan Province Provincial Affairs Office: Zheng Chenggong

General Administration of Customs: Zheng He

Minister of Culture: Tang Bohu

Director of Demolition Office: Meng Jiangnv

Director of Family Planning Commission: Tang Priest

Director of Medical Services: Li Shizhen.

Minister of Space: Chang 'e

Captain of the national diving team: Qu Yuan

China is strong, and all foreigners will be required to take CET-4 and CET-6! Classical Chinese is so simple that all the questions are answered with a brush, which is cheap for them. Anger, one person, one knife, one turtle shell, carving Oracle Bone Inscriptions! The title of the thesis is: On Theory of Three Represents! When it comes to the listening test, Jay Chou's songs are all used. You can listen to "Nunchaku" twice and "Chrysanthemum Stage" only once. Tell them that this is the normal speaking speed in China! Reading comprehension is all about the government work report, the oral test requires singing Beijing opera, and the experiment includes zongzi.

47. Hacker: I control your computer.

Xiao Bai: How is it controlled?

Hacker: Using Trojan Horse

Xiao Bai: Yes. . . . . . Where is it? I am not blind.

Hacker: Open your task manager.

Xiao Bai: Yes. . . . . . . Where is the task manager?

Hacker:. . . . . Under your computer! !

Xiao Bai: It's not in my computer.

Hacker: Forget it. I didn't do anything.

Hacker: I have taken control of your computer.

Xiao Bai: Oh

Hacker: Are you afraid? ! Hey hey.

Xiao Bai: Just in time. Help me kill the virus. Recently, my computer has had many problems.

Hacker:. . . . . .

Xiao Bai: Why do you always come in and out of my computer at will?

Hacker: You can install firewall.

Xiao Bai: Can't you get in by installing a firewall?

Hacker: No, I just want to add some fun. Controlling your computer like this makes me feel stupid.

Xiao Bai: I heard that you can make viruses? !

Hacker: Hmm

Xiao Bai: You can control other people's computers? !

Hacker: General.

Xiao Bai: Then can you hack those websites?

Hacker: Of course, didn't you hear people call me a hacker?

Xiao Bai: Yes. . . . Oh ~ ~ ~ `I thought it was because you were black. . . . .

"Mao ~ ~"

Hacker: I'm here again! !

Xiao Bai: Don't you feel bored coming in every day?

Hacker: Yes, it is. Your machine is the worst I have ever seen.

Xiao Bai: No way, it's a famous brand.

Hacker: I mean, there are only viruses in your computer besides mentally retarded games.

Xiao Bai: Oh ~ ~ Have you seen my Lianliankan? I don't remember where it is. I've been looking for it for a long time.

Hacker:. . . . . See you again.

Hacker: Hi ~ ~ ~ I'm coming!

Xiao Bai: I haven't seen you for several days. Are you blocked by my firewall?

Hacker: Haha, just kidding, it's easier to access your computer than mine. You don't miss me, do you?

Xiao Bai: I want to ask you a favor.

Hacker: What is it?

Xiao Bai: Can you access the power system and modify some data?

Hacker:. . . . . . What do you want? !

Xiao Bai: Please help me settle my electricity bill this month. . . . . .

Hacker: Go to hell! !

Hacker: Where the hell have you been? ! ! !

Xiao Bai: Yes. . . . I have been out for a few days. What do you want from me?

Hacker: I want to find something.

Xiao Bai: What are you looking for here?

Hacker: Virus, find an old virus from a few years ago. Only your computer has the most complete virus.

Hacker: I'm coming! !

. . . . . .

Hacker: Why don't you talk?

Xiao Bai: In a bad mood.

Hacker: Who bullied you?

Xiao Bai: I lost a Q number with my first love in it.

Hacker: This is simple. I'll get it back for you.

Xiaobai: I can't get it back.

Hacker: Impossible. Tell me, what number?

Xiao Bai: Woo ~ ~ ~ I just can't remember.

Xiao Bai: Come out! ! ! !

Hacker: What's the matter? !

Xiaobai: Did you use my id to play in the forum? ! !

Hacker:. . . . Sorry, I forgot to tell you that I didn't do anything wrong, so I added a post, and I promise I won't play again next time.

Xiao Bai: That won't do! ! !

Hacker: What else do you want?

Xiao Bai: Your post is red in the face. First blush. I'm so happy. You must make me another one.

Hacker: Get down!

Hacker: Hey, I just did something very interesting.

Xiao Bai: What's this?

Hacker: I sent it to the forum.

Xiao Bai: This is normal.

Hacker: I insist as soon as I see it, and I will call the landlord a pig.

Xiao Bai: Wow, it's so pleasant. I never dared. I'll be burned!

Hacker: Yes, it has been banned.

Xiao Bai: Is this still interesting? !

Hacker: Yes, because I used your ID.

Xiao Bai: Are you an expert?

Hacker: It can be said that it is.

Xiao Bai: How high is it?

Hacker: Well, I hack myself when I'm bored.

Xiao Bai: Ha, I can do it too!

Hacker: # $%! You can, too? !

Xiao Bai: Yes, it turned black as soon as it was turned off. . . . .

Hacker: Get out!

It's all in my space