[9] I am afraid of losing, so I am cautious.

Recently, "I am afraid" has been circulated frequently, and it is natural to be brought into it by the lyrics. "It doesn't matter, just say it, don't have pressure", this sentence hit me the most.

At first, I just missed this song, thinking about someone carefully, fearing that he would find out and know. Later, slowly, this "caution" is like a mirror, which makes me see more.

I have a friend who is a little annoyed recently. She always feels that she doesn't know how to communicate with others, and she is always passive in interpersonal communication, always waiting for the active invitation of others. But slowly, she began to find that once-friendly friends once separated to a different place, they began to alienate gradually, and then there was no more. I looked back and found that I was actually worried about her situation. In my opinion, I feel that I am also her trusted friend, and I will talk about many things, but I begin to find that I always take the initiative to ask her and care about her recent situation. And she, I don't know if she said it because I was tired of asking, or because she was afraid of disturbing me, so she didn't dare to say it. Later, she explained to me that she was afraid of disturbing others and was afraid of disturbing others.

I always feel that there are some unspeakable embarrassment in my dealings with her. Every time I see her lonely figure in the crowd, I really want to go over and help her integrate into the group; Every time I see her shrink back and dare not confess, I can't wait to give her a push and go forward; Every time I see her helpless and lonely, I really want to go over and give her some support and strength so that she can spend it safely. Yes, I feel that my savior complex has been aroused. But every time I see this sense of powerlessness, powerlessness, helplessness and fear, I feel that I am obviously refusing. But I don't know how to face her. The subtext in my heart is often: "Why can't I be strong?" Can't you be independent? As for these things? ".In fact, in the final analysis, I can't accept my weakness.

When I saw her, I really saw myself. I used to be timid, too, and I always clung to it, not wanting to disturb others. Maybe I don't want others to pity me, but paradoxically, I really long for someone to "save" me or help me through the difficulties. Therefore, under this distorted mentality, on the one hand, convince yourself to be strong and self-reliant, and you can do it yourself; On the other hand, I told myself that no one saved you and no one helped you. You should give up. It seems that when the two kinds of cognition are integrated, an exit has been found. I thought it would be okay.

It is true that everything is divided into two, and this belief really makes me strong and independent. It seems that they are unwilling to give in, will not compromise, and are even more unwilling to show their weakness. This is also the benefit that has always brought me. But the bad side also has obvious influence. I remember a friend once said to me, "You are very kind and gentle, and it is comfortable to chat with you, but I find that you can't get close because I don't feel that you need me." It seems that I always give you trouble, and you never talk to me. " I was surprised when she said this. It turned out to be' she needs me to need her'. As I said before, a friend said that I don't know the story of asking for help. Indeed, for a long time, I seldom showed my weakness. I feel like I don't need friends or help. Gradually, some friends will naturally go further and further.

To be honest, I don't pray that everyone can understand my own mental journey, but in recent years, it seems that some changes have taken place slowly.

When I went to help the friend mentioned above, I wasn't actually "saving" her, I was saving myself. I gradually understand why I love and hate her. Because I also have the same "cautious fear" and avoidance The more I care, the more cautious I am, for fear of disturbing this relationship, for fear that once others see their weakness, they will no longer be liked by others and even feel that they are useless. On the other hand, introspection, in fact, it is not others who can't accept their weakness, but themselves. Dealing with all relationships carefully and being considerate is actually afraid of disturbing your inner weakness and seeing your incompetence.

Some chicken soup may say, "I am not strong. Who am I weak for?" This used to be my creed, and it is now, but some adjustments have taken place. Weakness is not for others to see, but a state that you are bound to have. You don't have to show it to others, but you must see it yourself. Weakness does not mean that you are not strong, but that you should give that strong self a rest at the right time. Just like yin and yang gossip, existence is meaningful. Since we allow strength, why not accept weakness?

Seeing this, I feel relieved. In fact, I may not show weakness immediately, but I feel like opening a skylight in a secret room. Maybe there is sunshine, rain, lightning and thunder occasionally in that window. So what? At least it has another connection with the world. I seem to see my weakness and slowly accept its visit. I won't tell everyone, but if I meet the right person and feel at ease, I will be willing to share everything with them. Even if they judge me, even if they think I'm making a fuss, it's me. Think of Zhang Wei's words: "I am who I am, and I am angry with myself." Haha, when can you have such self-acceptance, it is not a problem. Of course, not too much.

Are you afraid of losing now? In fact, I am still afraid that some people will leave me without knowing themselves, and that some people will gradually alienate themselves because they can't accept their bad aspects. But what scares me more is that I can't understand myself, I can't accept myself, and I hide myself for what I like. I am afraid of losing, but I am no longer cautious, but open and honest. I believe that people who like me prefer my sincerity.