There are many chicken soups for parenting on the Internet. Which ones are wrong?

Like most new parents, since having children, Sister Wang has often read various parenting articles and listened to various educational lectures.

I don’t know since when, various “chicken soup” parenting methods have flooded the circle of friends:

Don’t let your children be too obedient.

Good education is not yelling.

You should be happy when your child talks back.

It is said that a child should be raised according to the book. The parenting experience of others seems to be very reasonable indeed. But sometimes in practice, it seems to be unsatisfactory.

Two days ago, when the child talked back to her mother-in-law, the husband felt that the child should be taken care of, but Sister Wang accused her husband of not being able to raise children: "It is a good thing that the child talks back. He is expressing himself. Read this article As mentioned above."

As a result, the mother-in-law felt that her daughter-in-law did not respect her and was so angry that she wanted to pack her things and go back to her hometown; the child felt that she was being supported and became more and more naughty; the couple also had a big quarrel.

In fact, every child is a unique individual. Faced with all kinds of educational chicken soup, if you cannot deal with it rationally, you will fall into educational misunderstandings, turn "chicken soup" into "arsenic", and make your children more difficult. Go further and further.

Like the following three “chicken soups” that are most annoying to children, are you still drinking them?

"Child, you are awesome" - good children are praised

In the past two years, the most common sentence I heard is: "Children should not be scolded, but praised. If you say something good to him, he will get better and better. This is called positive motivation.”

Xuanxuan’s mother believes in this very much.

So, Xuanxuan almost grew up with praises. As long as his family saw him making a little progress, they would say: "Our Xuanxuan is so smart and powerful, you are the best." , the most outstanding child."

At home, Xuanxuan is an only child, and it is understandable that the whole family revolves around him. But after entering kindergarten, he is no longer the only one in the crowd.

So much so that Xuan Xuan, who was so confident that after losing several game competitions, was no longer willing to play with children; even any criticism or lecture from the teacher would make him burst into tears. I don’t even want to go to school anymore.

In fact, children like Xuanxuan are not an exception.

When facing a competition, you will be elated if you win, and lose your temper if you lose.

Cares very much about other people's evaluations. What others say can determine his behavior and mood.

Reluctant to try things that are uncertain and disdainful of others doing better than him.

In the past, the compliments that were blurted out in life seemed to be praises that inspired children, but for growing children, these praises are like daggers, gradually weakening the child's resistance to frustration.

Carol Dweck, a professor of behavioral psychology at Stanford University, has conducted research on children’s thinking patterns for 15 years.

He found that if parents often praise their children's talents and abilities, such as "You are great! You are so smart! You are such a genius! You are so capable!"

Then, the child will Will form a fixed mindset - only care about whether you look smart enough.

When faced with difficulties, they will choose to give up or find excuses to escape. They are unwilling to work hard and have no motivation to study in depth.

At the same time, psychological research shows that in addition to making children with low self-esteem afraid of challenges and more likely to reduce their sense of self-identity, excessive praise can also easily make children with high self-esteem become excessively narcissistic. .

Hanhan, a relative's child, is quite smart, but has a bad personality. He loses his temper at every turn, and his parents can't explain it at all.

In order to make the child obedient, the family members try their best to coax him. No matter who is in front of him or behind, they will save enough face for the child and often deliberately say complimentary words.

As a result, Hanhan is over-inflated and often feels that he is superior to others.

For example, on weekdays, if he does something (such as housework), he will immediately run to his elders to ask for credit. He will be happy when he is praised, otherwise he will cry and make trouble.

If a child around him is praised, he must compare with it and let others admit that the child is not as good as him.

Or, when you get some good grades or receive praise from the teacher, you can't help but show off and brag about yourself; if you don't do well, there are a lot of reasons, and you feel that you have already done it. Not bad enough, but there are many people who are not as good as him.

Psychology professor Brad Bushman believes:

The most dangerous belief in life is that a person believes that he or she is better than others, which will lead to worse behavior. .

If everyone regards themselves as a member of the human family, it is the most worthy of promotion.

If praised for a long time, children will lose the ability to judge themselves correctly. If all behaviors must rely on the evaluation of others, it means that all the initiative in life will be in the hands of others. .

"Child, just do what you like" - the best love is to give children freedom

In recent years, the "Buddhist" parenting method has become increasingly popular.

Many parents have begun to let go, and they also praise it by saying that "the nature of the child cannot be suppressed", "why enroll in so many classes, for children, happiness is more important", "don't set too many rules, control The more, the worse off the child will be.”

There is a child in our community who "grows up freely".

The four or five-year-old little guy, like other children, likes to play with his mother in the community park. The difference is that this child is not chasing other people's pet cats and dogs and kicking them; he is pulling flowers and branches and breaking off branches; even when playing on the slide, he often pushes other children down and grabs toys.

Faced with everyone's complaints, the child's mother said aggrievedly that the child was still young and these behaviors were normal. How could any child not cause trouble?

Since you want him to grow up happily, you have to let him explore freely. You can't tie him up at home and not let him do anything.

It has never been a problem to let children grow up freely. The problem is that freedom without rules means the powerless doting of parents.

Sun Ruixue said in "Love and Freedom":

The so-called love and freedom are not education under conditions without rules, but in an environment with love. Allowing children to have free will and thoughts on the premise of respecting others is a self-binding educational process under the guidance of parents.

I remembered a piece of news I saw on Weibo, about a little boy in Chongqing. His parents had always adopted a "loose and liberal policy" for his education, hoping that the child would do what he really liked.

So, although children have started playing mobile games at the age of 4 and often hold their mobile phones with them, their parents rarely preach.

In such a growing atmosphere, children become more and more addicted to the Internet, and even feel that they are very talented and want to be game anchors when they grow up.

When he was 6 years old, the child accidentally saw his father handing out red envelopes, so he secretly wrote down the account payment password. In just two days, he spent more than 10,000 yuan in his father's account to buy in-game items. character equipment, and also deleted all the deduction text messages sent by the bank.

After being discovered, the child acted very indifferently. Faced with this kind of behavior that was so casual that he only cared about satisfying his own interests and needs without caring about others, the parents of the child could only regret it. It was their own education of the child that caused the problem. The lack of it leads to such problems.

Psychologist Piaget believed that children's moral development is a process of transformation from heteronomy to self-discipline, and from objective sense of responsibility to subjective sense of responsibility.

This means that if you want your children to develop a sense of rules and develop self-control, you must not miss the critical period of "heteronomy."

When you are a child, set rules, educate and talk about rules. When you grow up, your children can fly higher and further within safe boundaries and have more happiness and joy.

Just like Gao Xiaosong said to his daughter: "May you be warm and pure throughout your life, never giving up love and freedom."

While touching countless people, this sentence also educates us, The premise of "love and freedom" must be to make children "warm and pure."

"Baby, as long as you work hard, you will definitely succeed" - the level of effort determines success

Compared with "Buddhist" parenting, this type of parents pay more attention to The results achieved by the child. It is true that success involves hard work, but don’t forget that hard work is never the whole story of success.

When we are used to educating children with the slogan "hard work will lead to success, hard work can change life", linking all achievements with "hard work", tell them:

< p>If there are no good results, don't quibble, you just didn't work hard enough.

If you work harder, you will be the first.

This kid just doesn’t work hard. He is so smart, and he will definitely succeed if he works hard.

Under the guidance of this abnormal view of success, the harm caused to children is unpredictable.

I remember when I was a kid, every time I took a major test or a small test, my parents would brag about it everywhere after the results came out. If I did well, I would do well.

If the results are not bad, they will start to ask: "xxx, what is the score this time? Look at others, can you learn more from her?" Once they do not meet their expectations, wait for me It must be a fat beating.

So during school, every night before an exam, I would be so anxious that I would suffer from insomnia; I would avoid all extracurricular competitions whenever I could, not daring to try them easily.

Even now, before I do anything, I am reluctant to tell my parents because I am afraid of hearing: "Come on, I believe you will succeed."

See It seemed like encouragement, but in fact it was full of pressure.

You must know that many things will not succeed if you work hard, but that does not mean that the child does not work hard.

In the variety show "Incredible Mom", Ye Yiqian said:

The result is not important, what is important is the process. He enjoyed it and showed his strength. I think that's great.

Life itself is a process. Whether the child enjoys the process is more important than the final result.

Don’t regard success as the only possibility in life. Life has more than one possibility.

Tell your children, do good deeds and don’t ask about your future. I believe that he will be calmer and calmer, and will have more courage to try all challenges and gain more happiness.

There is this sentence in "The Gift of Failure" that impressed me deeply:

The lessons learned from mistakes are a gift to children, so never shirk it responsibility.

Year after year, my best students, the happiest and most successful students, are like this: their parents allow them to fail, make them responsible for their mistakes, and when faced with mistakes, Encourage them to do their best.

Just as no leaf is the same in the world, every family also needs a different education model.

Some educational methods may seem correct and reasonable, but they may not be able to prescribe the right medicine. Taking them as they are is the most taboo point in the parenting process.

When raising children, educate yourself first, and educate yourself first.

As parents, we must recognize ourselves and not be swayed by chicken soup, so as to avoid going in the wrong direction and achieve twice the result with half the effort. This is the meaning of modern parenting.