Collect funny events or jokes

1. I heard that making a wish is particularly effective when there are meteors passing through the sky. That day I made a wish on a shooting star, hoping that you would become smarter. Holy shit! Guess what? The meteor actually flew back along the same path!

2. I spent 80,000 yuan to buy a Western Zhou clay pot. Yesterday I went to the "Treasure Appraisal" column for appraisal. The expert said seriously: "How can this be from the Western Zhou Dynasty? This is from last week." !

3. Son: "Mom, I failed the math test today" Mother: "Why, what question." Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3=? I said =6." Mother : "That's right, and what next." Son: "Then the teacher asked me again 3*2=?" Mother: "Aren't these the same thing!" Son: "That's what I said too...

4. A prisoner was executed by firing squad. The bullets were produced by "XX County" and were of poor quality. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot...the third shot...at this time the prisoner Crying loudly: "Please strangle me to death, it's too scary!"

5. The father told his son a story: "The uncle asked Xiaoyang to cut firewood, but Xiaoyang unexpectedly cut the uncle's favorite peach tree. After he chopped it off, the uncle was very angry when he saw it but didn't scold him. Do you know why?" The son replied: "Maybe it's because Xiaoyang still has an ax in his hand, so he didn't dare to scold him

6. The doctor asked the patient how the fracture occurred. He replied: I felt there was sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes by holding on to the telephone pole. I shook and shook... Someone thought I had been electrocuted, so he picked up a wooden stick and gave it to me.

7. A judge looked sideways and tried three criminal suspects, A, B and C.

The judge said to A: "Did you steal the thing?"

B replied: "No"

The judge was furious: "I didn't ask you. "

C said: "I didn't say anything. ”

8. The last bus

At night, on the last bus, a woman in white sat in the last row.

The driver looked in the rearview mirror and saw that the woman was gone. , Surprised!

I stopped and turned around, where was the person sitting?

I continued to drive and looked in the rearview mirror, but the woman was not there. I stopped and turned around again, and the woman appeared again.

Keep driving and look in the rearview mirror, the woman is gone!

Stop suddenly, the woman comes slowly, her hair messy and her face covered with blood, and she says in a low voice:

"I'm here!" Have a grudge against you? As soon as you tie your shoelaces, you brake suddenly; as soon as you tie your shoelaces, you brake suddenly. ”

9. Know your own people well

A group of professors were invited onto a plane.

After sitting down, they were told that the plane belonged to them Designed by students.

As a result, all the professors got off the plane.

Only one professor sat there motionless.

Someone asked him why he didn’t get off the plane quickly. , he said: “Don’t worry, this plane can’t fly at all. ”

10. Teachers who care about students

One day, the math teacher said after class: “Students, the high school entrance examination is about to take place.” In order for everyone to get good grades, I went to the bookstore last night to find a very good tutoring material. A lot of the content on it is from the high school entrance examination in previous years. I suggest..."

Also Before he finished speaking, he was interrupted by a male voice: "Stop talking so much nonsense and make an offer! ”

11. I didn’t bring any books

The academic style of my classmate’s school is not very strong, and no one comes to class at the end of the year.

By the way, my classmate is still He was very obedient and went to class once.

It turned out that he was the only one in the classroom that could accommodate 100 people. The teacher was moved when he saw his eagerness to learn and said, "I am a classmate." Let me draw the key points for you!

The best thing is that my classmate said: "Teacher, I didn't bring a book. "

12. Serving food

In the cafeteria, student A said to student B:

"The new semester is a new atmosphere. The portions of the dishes today were obviously larger than before, and our opinions were finally taken seriously. ”

Student B patted him on the shoulder and said, “Don’t think too much. Master has been on leave for two months and his hands are a bit raw.”

"

13. You can only demonstrate once

The instructor of the Iraqi suicide bombing training camp said to the young men who had just entered the camp training:

"Everyone, please pay attention. Wait, I will only demonstrate this thing once! ”

14. Don’t waste salt when cooking

I was hungry last night, so I went to eat noodles.

Wait for the water to boil and add salt. I sprinkled salt on my hands.

I didn’t want to waste it, so I put my hands in the pot and rinsed them.

15. I was so drunk

One day at Xiao Ming’s house. The phone rang, and Xiao Ming immediately picked up the phone and said:

"Hello, this is a phone message. Please leave a message after hearing the du sound. "

The other end of the phone didn't respond for a long time. Xiao Ming said angrily: "I'm so confused, why don't you say anything? ”

16. People who can sleep

Everyone knows about the college entrance examination these days

I just saw the status posted by a god on Weibo: I Damn it, I woke up late, prepare to re-study next year.

People who can sleep can’t afford to spit on your face.

I once had a quarrel with a classmate. He was too arrogant and I couldn't quarrel with him.

When I got anxious, I said, "I'll spit on your face." "

After hearing this, he looked at me for a few seconds, and as expected he stopped arguing.

18. What do you want others to say?

The pastor asked the church member: " What do you want someone to say as you lie in your coffin? ”

One person said: “I want people to say that I am a family man. ”

Another person said: “I want to be said to be helpful.” ”

A third person said: “I want people to say: ‘Look, he seems to be moving! ’”

19. The door that cannot be pushed open

Patient: “Doctor, I’ve been having the same nightmare lately. What’s going on? ”

Doctor: “What are you dreaming about?” "

Patient: "I always dream that I walk to a door, so I push and push, but I can't push it open! ”

Doctor: “What’s on the door?” "

Patient: "There is a word 'pu'..."

20. Good and bad studies

Children who study well before exams They all said, “I’m going to take the exam! ", and those who don't study well say "I'll go!" It’s exam time! "

21. Hold my hand

The warden asked the death row inmate sitting on the electric chair before execution: "Do you have any other requests? ”

Death row prisoner: “I just hope you can hold my hand during the execution to make me feel better.” ”

The children who studied well after the exam all said, “I finished the exam!” ", and those who don't study well say, "Damn it! It’s over! ”

21. This class is impossible

School just started after the winter vacation. In a second-grade elementary school class, 80% of the students were doing their own things.

The teacher said angrily: "You can do whatever you like! There is no way to take this class. ”

A classmate raised his hand calmly: “Teacher, can I set off the cannon?” "

The teacher said casually: "Whatever. ”

The student casually took out a bunch of firecrackers from his schoolbag and set them off in the classroom...

22.

The son returned home tremblingly: "Dad, I only got 60 points in today's exam." Dad was very angry: "Next time you get a low grade, don't call me dad!" "My son came back the next day: "I'm sorry, brother! "

23.

Chinese leaders and American leaders are competing to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. The American leader ordered his bodyguards to jump off the 10th floor. The bodyguards knelt down and said, "Don't do this. , I still have my family. ". So the US president relented. The Chinese leader ordered the bodyguard to jump down, and the Chinese bodyguard jumped without saying a word. The US president was so frightened that he quickly grabbed him. The Chinese bodyguard said: "Don't do this, I still have my family.

”

24.

Teacher: “Nobita, the teacher will give you 90 yuan, and you can borrow another 10 yuan from Fat Tiger. How much money will you have in total?” "

Nobita: "0 yuan. ”

Teacher: “You don’t understand mathematics at all!” ”

Nobita: “You don’t understand Fat Tiger at all!” ! ! ”

25.

Patients in the intensive care unit of a certain hospital always die around 11 o’clock on Sundays, which puzzles the doctors and even thinks it is a supernatural event. So an expert team was set up to investigate the cause of the incident. On Sunday, just as the clock struck eleven, it was discovered through the monitor that the cleaner who was cleaning on Sunday walked into the intensive care unit, unplugged the life support system plug of the seriously ill patient, and then plugged it in. Plug in the vacuum cleaner and start cleaning. . . . 1. A buck walked faster and faster, and finally it became a highway (deer)!!!!

2. Two tomatoes were crossing the road, and a car was passing by. One of them couldn't dodge and was crushed. The other tomato pointed at the squashed tomato and laughed and said: Dig hahaha, tomato. Sauce...

3. The big bad wolf said: "I'm going to eat you!" ! ! "Guess what happened?

In the end, the big bad wolf ate the lamb.

4. The stone and the rice cake were fighting, and the stone flew up and kicked the rice cake in. The sea.........

Once upon a time, there was a pair of lovers who were privately committed to life, but the boy had to perform military service, so he made an oath with the girl, gave her a diamond ring, and promised to marry him three years later today. The girl met, and when the time came, the ring was used as a wedding ring. After three years, the girl had been waiting for the boy, but could not wait. She was so sad that she threw the diamond ring into the sea in despair and left her hometown. However, the boy had actually been waiting for the girl, but the girl misunderstood the date, and it became a regret forever. The boy was heartbroken... A few years later, the boy went fishing, and guess what he caught?

rice cake!!!

5. Are the dumplings a boy or a girl?

The answer is boys because the dumplings have wrappers

6. There is a duck His name is Xiao Huang. One day he was hit by a car, and he yelled: "Quack!" From then on, he turned into a cucumber!!

7. Matchstick suddenly felt that his head was itchy, so he stretched out his hand Scratch, scratch and burn yourself to death...

8. Once upon a time there was a bird

He would pass by a cornfield every day

But very soon Unfortunately

One day there was a fire in the corn field

All the corn turned into popcorn

After the bird flew over...

I thought it was snowing, but it was so cold...

9. When will Taiwan want to be reunified?

When buying instant noodles

10. Asong and Abo chatted and told each other that time is not forgiving.

A Song: "Recalling my childhood, the happiest thing I ever had was Children's Day."

Abo: "Ten years later it was Youth Day."

A Song: "In ten years it will be Father's Day."

Abo: "In a few decades it will be Old Man's Day."

A Song: "Again In a few decades."

Abo: "Qingming Festival.

"

11. Soldiers: "Thirsty...thirst..."

Cao Cao: "Everyone, hold on a little longer!" I have been to this place before, and I remember that there is a plum grove nearby. You may be there if you walk for a while."

All the soldiers: "Oh￣￣￣￣There are plums to eat￣￣￣Oh￣￣￣"

Half an hour later——Cao Ren: “Lord! The expedition found plenty of water! "

Cao Cao: "Hahahaha, did you hear it? Finally there is water to drink."

All the soldiers: "If you don't go... you must find plums..." 12. A girl was heartbroken, I advised her: "Two-legged toads are hard to find, three-legged toads are hard to find. There are plenty of men with legs! ”

13. One day Xiaoqiang asked his father: “Dad, am I a stupid boy?” Dad said: "Silly boy, how can you be a stupid boy?" ”

14. A medium-rare steak and a medium-rare steak met on the street. Why didn’t they say hello? (Assuming they can talk)

Because... ……………..

Because……………………

Because they are not familiar with each other~~~~~~~~

15. Question: How to quiet a sparrow?

Answer: Squeeze it.

Reason: There is no sound.

16. Unfortunately, the college student was caught by the enemy. The enemy tied him to a telephone pole and then asked him: "Tell me, where are you from? If you don’t tell me, I’ll electrocute you! ! ! "This college student replied to the enemy and was electrocuted to death...

He said: "I am from the TV University! ”

17. Person A: “I’ll take you to a place where all the girls don’t wear bras.” ”

B: “Really?” Where? Take me there quickly! ”

A: “The kindergarten is right next door!” "

18. Wang Xiaoya, the host of the Happy Dictionary program, interviewed an audience member live and asked: "Which female host do you admire most in your mind? The audience said: "It's you."

"Wang Xiaoya asked: "Why do you say that? The audience said: "Because you look a bit like Yang Lan!" ”

19. Do you know what color Spider-Man is?

Red, wrong!

It’s white

Don’t believe you Miss Spider Man in English: spider man (a white person)

20. Why did Xiao Ming fall?

Please think twice………… ..

Because the floor is slippery

21. After a party, a group of animals rushed into a 7-11 convenience store to buy something. They were too noisy and were beaten out by the clerk. , but the little sheep was left alone in the store, why?

Convenience stores are not closed 24 hours a day...

22. The glass and the coffee cup crossed the road together, and suddenly Someone shouted: The car is coming!

The glass was hit by the car, but the coffee cup was fine.

The coffee cup has ears!

23. A horse said that our company is launching a new product, Ma Pi No. 3, or MP3 for short...

24. There are two types of people I hate the most:

One is racial. Discriminatory;

The second is black;

The third is illiterate!

25. I want to thank Madoka Ozawa, Ran Asagawa, and Ai Nagase! , Ryoko Mitake, Maria Takaki, Mai Kawamoto, Hitomi Yuuki, Miyu Natsuki, Naomi Seriki, Shiraishi, Aoi Kudo, Mayu Koyamauchi, Miho Kishikawa, Yuki Nishida, Kiba Sawai, Ayaka Fujisaki, Miya Hayama , Chihiro Inoue, Matsumura, Yuki, Shizuka Izumi, and other foreign friends whose names I know and whose names I don’t know, who once appeared in my computer and have now been deleted or are still in my computer: they are the ones who accompany me every night when people are quiet. I spent one lonely night after another; when I was at my lowest level, they came to comfort me at the right time; when I was exhausted from playing CS, they made me feel the pleasure of smoothness; when I was in a sluggish state, When I had no feeling, they were the ones who made me feel energetic~

26. Now the accuracy of earthquake prediction has indeed improved a lot. This time there is only two words missing: the prediction is in "Heilongjiang", but the result is in "Jiujiang"!

27. Zhang Liangying said: "The fans who admire me say - my idol is named Ying"

He Jie said: "The fans who admire me say - My idol is Jie"

Zhou Bichang said: "The fans who admire me all say - my idol is Chang"

Li Yuchun said: "You guys chat, I'm leaving first! ”

28.. Five Fuwa dolls gathered together to chat.

Beibei suggested: Let’s give ourselves a nickname, I will call it “Beiwa”!

Jingjing: Then my name is "Jingwa"!

Huanhuan: My name is "Huanwa"!

Nini: My name is "Niva" "Okay!

Yingying stood up and said: You guys chat, I have something to do, I have to leave first...

It is said that in 2058, the five Fuwa got together to chat again. .

Beibei: Let’s talk about my nickname again. People respect me very much and call me “Master Beibei”!

Huanhuan: People call me "Master Huan"!

Nini: People call me "Niye"!

Yingying: People call me "Yingye"!

Jingjing stood up and said: You guys chat, I have something to do, so I’m leaving first...

29. The harsh winter has arrived, so I decided to keep the habit of taking cold showers, but As I was washing, I found that I had returned to my childhood appearance! ! !

30. Celery was walking and suddenly felt a pain in his stomach. Then he made a "porphyry" sound. What do you think he pulled out~~? It was Celery feces (diligence)!! !What color is celery (vegetable) feces?

Answer: yellow

Because: Qin Shi Huang (celery feces yellow)

31. There was a fat man….

Jumping from the top of the 20th floor...

The result became...

Damn Fatty!!

32 .Once upon a time, there was a piece of bread, and it felt hungry, so it ate it.

Once upon a time, there was a glass of beer, and it felt thirsty, so it drank it..

Once upon a time, there was a glass of beer. A virgin, she felt tired, so she fell asleep...

33. Who are human ancestors

It is peanuts because of peanut kernels~~~

34.Which of the ancient figures is considered a white-collar worker?

Meng Mu moved three times (thousands)

35. Zhang Fei: "Don't leave, old thief!"

Yan Yan: "Thief with ring eyes! Dismount and accept Die!"

Police car: "Listen, two thieves~~~You are surrounded~~~Put down your weapons..."

36. Ants from the Himalayas How did you die after falling?

Answer: Starved to death. Because it is too light, it takes a long time to float down...

37. The world's most KB diary

Old Bear was about to write a diary when he found that the diary had been used up and he wanted to go out I bought another book and came back to write it, but it was already twelve o'clock in the evening. But he still rode his bicycle and searched on the dark street. After searching for a long time, he finally found a bookstore and went in before it closed. There was a diary he liked very much, so he asked his boss how much it cost.

The boss said in a very low voice: "This is imported, priced at 70 yuan..."

Old Xiong said: "It's so expensive, but I only brought 50 yuan with me. ."

The boss said: "It doesn't matter, just give me 50 yuan."

Old Xiong said happily: "Thank you, boss."

Boss. Then he said in a very low and gloomy voice: "When you buy it back, don't turn to the last page, otherwise something terrible will happen. Don't blame me for not warning you!"

Old Bear said: "Well, I know."

Old Bear bought the diary and took it home. He unpacked it and put it on the table in front of the window in the room. At this time, he wanted to take a bath first and then come out to write in the diary...

After taking a bath, Lao Xiong found that the window in front of the desk had been opened, and the wind blew open the diary page by page... ...When the wind was about to reach the last page, Old Bear stepped forward to stop it, but it was too late. The last page was still blown away by the wind

What happened to KB...I saw Old Bear screaming. There was a sound, because he saw the last page that said:

(Please pull down)

.

………………..pull again...

.

.

.

.

Continue to pull…

.

.

.

. It’s almost there, pull a little more...

.

.

.

.

.

That’s it, I still need to pull a little bit at the end...

.

.

.

.

The last page says——- Pricing: 3 yuan