The essence of "Nonviolent Communication" is here. You will be wise after reading the speech.

Verbal violence, in today's society, I believe most people have encountered it, and have even said it themselves, including myself. I know very well that what I say is not liked by others. Sometimes I pick out words that people don’t like to hear. Sometimes I speak so bluntly that I can choke people and make them speechless. Sometimes violent language is even explicitly used as a weapon to attack others. The result is as you can imagine, not only does the problem not be solved, but enemies are also made, and the gain outweighs the loss.

I recently read this book, "Nonviolent Communication" written by Dr. Marshall Luxemburg of the United States. Can this book really teach you how to speak better, speak less hurtful words, and speak more wisely?

Let’s give two small examples:

For example, girls often say such things to their boyfriends, including me saying: "I don’t think you love me!" Saying this often makes people When a man feels that Monk Zhanger is confused, he will ask, "What do you mean by that? Why don't I love you anymore? Do you mean to break up?" The girl was offended and retorted angrily: "Break up." Just break up!" The result is predictable. If the girl had learned non-violent communication, she would have understood that the actual demand behind saying this is to hope that her boyfriend will care more about her. A better way to express this would be to express her feelings and needs directly. come out.

Another example: "You haven't talked to me these days. I feel very lonely! I hope you can talk to me more about your thoughts." Parents often talk to their children like this "If you don't study hard, I will be very disappointed!" This is actually a kind of violent communication. Parents use their own mood as a threat to exert psychological pressure on their children. In this way, children often feel that studying hard is just for them. Make parents happy, which may lead to rebellious psychology. Switch to a non-violent communication method. Parents can say, "If you don't study hard, I'm worried that you won't be respected by others when you grow up." This will increase the child's self-esteem and stimulate his endogenous motivation.

The person who is committed to making all human beings communicate better, more intelligently, more efficiently, and more harmoniously is Dr. Marshall Luxemburg, an expert in non-violent communication.

Marshall Luxemburg is a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Wisconsin, USA, and studied under the humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers. He was 81 years old. (Ps. Statistics show that psychologists live long. The main reason is that they have a good mentality.)

In the history of the development of psychology, between the psychoanalytic school founded by Freud and Watson After the behavioral school represented by the Behaviorist School, humanistic psychology is known as the third force of psychology and has far-reaching influence. Humanistic psychology was born in the United States from the 1950s to the 1960s, when Marshall Luxemburg was at the University, and his teacher Rogers was the initiator and representative figure of humanistic psychology. The University of Wisconsin is a research center for humanistic psychology. Therefore, Dr. Marshall Luxemburg has the true biography of humanistic psychology.

The main viewpoints of humanistic psychology are: affirming people’s need for self-realization, paying attention to people’s own value, and advocating the full use of people’s potential. Marshall Luxemburg, who received his true inheritance, founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) in 1984 and became an expert in nonviolent communication. To date, C has more than 200 CNVC-certified nonviolent communication trainers worldwide. Due to his outstanding achievements in promoting human harmony and coexistence, in 2006, Marshall Luxemburg received the Bridge of Peace Award from the Global Village Foundation. Nonviolent communication (also known as love languages) has been hailed by the United Nations as one of the world’s best practices for nonviolent conflict resolution.

His classic book "Nonviolent Communication" was selected as one of the 50 must-read books recommended by the University of Hong Kong. The mainland translations are all published by Huaxia Publishing House. There are paperback and collector's editions. I prefer the binding design of the collector's edition. I don't understand why the paperback version has such a cover design with two black men and women. However, I still bought the paperback version, which is cheap and easy to read. whee.

The core idea of ??non-violent communication is the four elements of non-violent communication proposed by Dr. Marshall Luxemburg: observation, feeling, need and request. Master it and use it skillfully in the two-way interaction of listening and speaking. Can create harmonious and intelligent communication. The basis for the establishment of this communication method is to start from love, love yourself and help others.

This sounds a bit false, but if you think about it, it is indeed the case. If your original intention is to compete, then any method will not help.

1. Describe the facts you observed without making moral judgments.

Indian philosopher Krishnamurti said: "Observation without comment is the highest form of human intelligence."

Nonviolent communication does not advocate absolute comments, but It is advocated to conduct observations based on specific time and environment, and clearly express the results of observations.

What is observation? What is a comment? A poem in the book makes the best distinction:

Non-violent communication requires the use of dynamic language, while absolute comments are static language and cannot match the ever-changing reality. What is an absolute comment? Think about whether we always use words like "Why do you always come home so late", "You never care about me", "You always throw things away", "You rarely affirm me", and The facts you observed should be "You don't go home until after 10pm four days a week", "You can't find your keys for three days in a row"...

< p>2. Experience and express your feelings, not your opinions.

Illustration: A couple attends a nonviolent communication training class together. The wife said to her husband, "I feel like I'm married to a wall." The husband's reaction was really like a wall, sitting there motionless. The wife became more and more angry and shouted: "Look, he is like this, motionless and silent. Do you think I am married to a wall?"

Said that my husband is like a wall, This is an opinion, not a feeling. What my wife really feels is that she feels lonely and needs consideration. If you can feel your feelings, express them clearly. This is especially important for women. We also gave an example at the beginning of the article. Women often like to say: "I don't think you love me." This is also your perceptions, not feelings. Women often feel that it’s boring to express my feelings. I don’t express my feelings, but I express my opinions. Men, you should also be able to understand. This is really a cognitive misunderstanding in communication, which is harmful to people. Don’t, express your feelings clearly and boldly! Change "I feel..." to "I feel...".

When expressing feelings, there is a very effective trick, which is to show weakness appropriately, but remember that this kind of weakness must be true feelings, otherwise it will be seen through by others, and the effect will be worse.

3. The root of your feelings is whether your needs are met.

Dr. Marshall Luxemburg emphasized that the root of your feelings does not lie in the behavioral stimulation of others, but in whether your own needs are met. Understand this, when communicating, you should not blame others, but find the cause of emotional fluctuations within yourself. Accusations, criticisms, comments and analyzes of others actually reflect our own needs and values. If we make our own claims through criticism, others will often respond with defense and counterattack. On the contrary, if we express our needs directly, And can understand the needs of others, then the other party is likely to respond positively.

What should you do if you hear something unpleasant? Dr. Marshall Luxemburg listed four options:

These four options represent the three stages that personal growth generally goes through:

4. Make your request clearly and specifically.

1. Tell the other person clearly what you want him to do, not what you want him not to do.

For example: A woman said: "I asked my husband to spend less time at work." The result? The husband told her: "I have signed up for the golf tournament." Haha, what happened was counterproductive. In fact, the woman's request was that her husband would be at home with her and the children at least one night a week.

2. The more specific the request, the better. It cannot be vague and abstract language is not suitable.

There is a cartoon joke. The first picture depicts a man falling into the lake. He shouted to the dog on the shore: "Go and ask for help." As a result, the second picture looks like this : This dog lies on the psychiatrist's diagnostic table. Ha ha.

3. After making the request, ask the other party for feedback and express gratitude.

We must admit that people are different. You think you have said it clearly, but the other person’s understanding may not be accurate. So in addition to paying attention to expressing yourself clearly, you can also try your best. Ask others for feedback politely.

4. Let the other person realize that you are making a request, not an order.

Once people think they will be punished for not complying with our requests, they will interpret our requests as orders. When given an order, there are only two choices, either obey or resist. So once others feel that we are giving orders, they will not be willing to comply with our requests.

How to distinguish between requests and commands? When the request is not met, if the person making the request criticizes or accuses, it is an order; if the person who made the request wants to use the other person's guilt to achieve his goal, this is also an order.

Dr. Marshall Luxemburg summed up the purpose of his nonviolent communication by saying: Nonviolent communication is used to help us connect with people on the basis of honesty and listening. Nonviolent communication values ??the needs of each person, and It’s not about changing ourselves and others to suit each other.

To this end, we need to improve several skills:

1. Learn to listen:

How to listen?

1. Put aside your existing thoughts and judgments;

2. Experience the other person wholeheartedly;

3. Give feedback to others and actively express understanding;

4. Don’t rush to analyze, give advice and comfort, especially when others suffer misfortune.

5. When others are angry, don’t say “but” but listen;

6. Continue to pay attention and create conditions for the other person to express fully.

How to judge whether listening is effective? When the other person feels that he or she has been fully heard, he or she will stop talking and we will experience a lighter atmosphere.

When you are so painful and irritable that you cannot listen to others, it means that we ourselves also need to care. How should we deal with it at this time?

1. Understand your own feelings and needs. Once we are aware of and take care of our own feelings and needs, we have the ability to quickly adjust our state to listen to others;

2. If you can no longer understand yourself, then make a request loudly . For example, say loudly: "I'm in pain right now, and I need to be quiet." When you say this, others can understand your feelings;

3. If the other person is also in intense emotions and cannot Pay attention to your feelings and needs, then another option is to leave, change the environment, and calm yourself.

2. Learn to love yourself:

1. Change the way you evaluate yourself to help you learn and grow;

2. Recognize that self-blame is Because there are needs that are not being met, focus on our unmet needs and consider how to constructively meet it;

3. Take care of yourself and forgive yourself;

4. Be aware of yourself For motivation, replace "have to" with "choose to do".

3. Learn to express anger:

1. Recognize that the reason for anger is that our needs have not been met, not because of accusations from others;

2 .Understand your own feelings and needs, and speak them out directly to be more likely to be met;

3. Give yourself time to meet your needs.

4. Express gratitude:

1. Praise others sincerely, rather than to achieve your own goals;

2. Express gratitude, be specific and not Hollow. Don’t just say you are so nice, thank you, but include three aspects:

1) What actions have others done that are beneficial to us;

2) These beneficial actions Which of our needs are met;

3) How do we feel after our needs are met.

3. When accepting gratitude from others, do not be arrogant or falsely modest. Former Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir once scolded one of her cabinet ministers: "Don't be so humble, because you are not that great." Haha.

This is my understanding of "Nonviolent Communication".

My understanding of nonviolence is that it is a stronger and greater force, and choosing to hurt others is a sign of cowardice.