I feel bad as soon as I receive a WeChat message from my father. Can you tell me how to adjust it?

You talked about the things your father once did that had a profound impact on you:

1. "During the worst period of the new coronavirus, I ignored people with colds and coughs." 2. "There was domestic violence. Later I told him, if you do this to me again, I will post your actions online, and he stopped." 3. "He has no sense of responsibility. When he is in a bad mood, he Racing (all the family members were in the car)." 4. "He was very hypocritical, saying that he was a filial son. After his grandparents passed away, he actually said: I finally got through it." 5. "He has done too many things that are embarrassing. "The above things, I think they are just some of the more profound things in your memory. Questions 1.2.3 They reflect not only your father’s indifferent side towards you, but also his irresponsible and selfish side.

Regarding point 4, I would like to express my opinion: We did not see what my father did for your grandparents when your grandparents were alive (or before they passed away), but your father said He himself is a filial son, and the implication is that he thinks that he has given a lot, and he feels that what he has given has made him physically and mentally exhausted, so after your grandparents passed away, he said, "I finally got through it." . Another way to express this sentence is "I am finally liberated (liberated) without any burden."

If you say that your father has never done anything for your grandparents, but only talks about being a filial son, then he is indeed hypocritical. But if he has paid (time, money, companionship, care) for your grandparents, then it is understandable that he said such a sentence at that moment. Just like if you give 30 yuan of salary to your parents every month and accompany them to visit them regularly, you are actually paying for them.

Let’s talk about the trouble you raised: “Every time I receive a message from my father, I feel bad and don’t want to reply. But if I don’t reply, the impact will be greater. What should I do?”

First of all: when you say "greater impact", do you mean that your own inner baggage makes you feel worse, or will your father treat you violently because you don't reply?

Secondly: You don’t have a very good relationship with your father. The harm he has done to you has made you resist him. You don’t want to communicate with him, and you can even say that you have nothing to communicate with. You two don't have much family ties to begin with, so you feel like you're dealing with him just like you used to deal with homework - you were forced.

But you know very well in your heart that he is always your father. He has raised you and you have the responsibility to be filial to him until the end of your life. Every time he comes to you, he seems to remind you of the responsibility you have to bear, but this responsibility is not something you really want to bear. It weighed you down a bit, so after thinking about it for a long time, you decided to leave the city where your parents lived. You thought that staying away would give you more space to adjust your state.

Then: You mentioned that you don’t want to reply, but not replying seems to have a greater impact. If not replying will make you feel guilty, unfilial, and unfilial, is it because you don't want to be "fake filial" like your father treats your grandparents. Do you feel that answering everything and giving them monthly household income is a sign of filial piety.

So, let’s get back to the point, learn to accept our emotions, and at the same time, when emotions arise, ask ourselves “Do I want to be filial?” Then, when it comes to whether to reply to messages or not, you can try to follow your own heart, or try every method and see the consequences, and find what suits you better.

Finally, when the emotional fluctuations are too great and you can’t handle them yourself, find the right person to talk to. ?