A collection of network classic funny quotations laughs to death. You haven't discussed it

Boss 1, do you have coke? Give me a bottle of sprite.

My advantages are: I am handsome; But my shortcoming is: handsome is not obvious.

Let's face it, life is often much heavier than those idol dramas.

Don't take my tolerance for you as your shameless capital.

5 boys are not hooligans, and their development is abnormal.

Girls are precious, young women are more expensive, and if there are rich women, they can both be thrown away.

If you don't play by common sense, if Conan is still alive, he will be angry with Richard Moore.

It is the duty of every citizen to despise you.

The complexion is rosy, and ten thousand people fall. Could it be that the girl used Dabao?

10 On the way to Niu B, can you guarantee an erection all the way?

1 1 Only blame yourself for being too young. You can't tell a man from a dog.

12 You must call me online tonight, otherwise, I will write your name on the tablet.

13 poor Nike Fuadi hooligans are all Armani.

14 all kinds of flowers, all kinds of flowers. People from all walks of life are embarrassed!

15 see through, don't say through, continue to be friends.

16 soft Chinese, hard Yuxi, the shorter the hair, the better!

17 life is like a play, one is in love, the other is married and has children. This is normal.

18 At that time, there was no fierce kiss. How can you roll in a passionate bed now?

19 people get moldy unconsciously, so don't be unconscious.

Life is long, and no one can say who will be brilliant.

2 1 I will miss you when you leave, but the question is, why don't you leave!

Is this a turning point? It's obviously the breaking point.

Believe it or not, I patted you on the wall with one hand and couldn't even pull it down.

Tell your unhappy things to make everyone happy.

Sister 25 is an old Chinese doctor who specializes in bragging.

Don't call me arrogant, I just don't deal with animals.

Left eye jumps, peach blossoms bloom, right eye jumps, chrysanthemums bloom.

It's not terrible to die, it's terrible to sit back and wait.

Our reputation, credit and reputation have always been the first!

Hard life needs no explanation!

Network classic funny quotations

1. Those who believe in fate follow it, and those who don't believe in fate are dragged away by it. 2. Do you drink water, water or water? You choose!

3, women chasing men, sandwich yarn. Men chase women, mezzanine mom.

4, breaking my word is my style, betraying my loved ones is my present situation, and living a long life is my result.

5. Love a person all, including her cotton trousers.

6. If you have money, you can say that money is earned. When there is no money, say that the money is saved.

7. I'm not your little raccoon. It's fun to play without you.

8, the current flower heart, because it is more primitive than anyone else.

9, the so-called threshold, the past is the door, the past is the threshold.

10, some men are as smart as the weather and changeable. Some women are as stupid as the weather forecast. She can't see the change of the weather.

1 1. Behind every successful man, there is a woman who is full and has nothing to do.

12, women's wrinkles are called old, and men's wrinkles are called vicissitudes.

13, the tortoise can beat the rabbit, but it's just going its own way.

14, parents are not around, remember to fasten your clothes and be careful of cold air!

15, most people want to transform the world, and few people want to transform themselves.

16, if you are the one, the female guest will turn off the man's light again, and the aunt downstairs in the dormitory can turn off the whole floor!

17, it is said that strong melon is not sweet, so I like bitter gourd.

18, God said there should be light, and I said I opposed it, so the world was dark.

19, take off your clothes, I am an animal, put on your clothes, I am the devil wears Prada!

20. Part I: Maybe it seems to be approximate; Bottom line: However, it is not impossible.

2 1, don't always say that you are okay, nothing is nothing.

22. You think too complicated about others, because you are not simple.

23. I long for freedom, but the human body doesn't know how to climb out of the dog hole!

24, how many years, my toilet seat has never been lifted!

25. You, you, you, you, you push me again, and I will feed you Sanlu.

26. I took part in the pigeon racing in the city yesterday, and I went alone.

27. What is a mistress? At best, he is only one person.

28. Youth is like dandelion. It seems to be free, but it can't help itself.

29. Don't think that I am out of reach because I am handsome. Actually, I am a sea of rivers.

The person who is angry with you will never know how many times he has put up with you.

3 1. In the dead of night, I often ask myself if I decided to come to the earth.

32. Are you dissatisfied with the world by dressing like this?

I have a cool mini skirt, but unfortunately my legs are not mini enough.

34. Deal with people, listen more and talk less. That's why God gave us a mouth and two ears.

Don't look at me innocently like a puppy, it will make me want to eat dog meat.

God, I will never call you grandpa again. You don't love my granddaughter at all

Although I seem to have no brain, I am actually not happy.

38. How can you get married without experiencing scum? No one can be a mother casually!

39. You are not a VIp, not even a V, you are just a P. ..

40. Smoking is an art of life; Looking for a cigarette is an attitude towards life.

4 1, hang a mosquito net and sleep naked in it, Doby mosquito, make it anxious.

42. Don't tell me the story of black society as ordinary people.

It was that period of compulsory education that occupied my youth.

44. Even if I scold you at ordinary times, I won't know that I am both civil and military until I hit you.

45. I have lived for 20 years and have done nothing for the motherland and the people. Every time I think about it, my heart aches!

46. Your complex facial features can't hide your simple IQ.

47, unrequited love is not equipped with anti-aircraft gun radar, silently locking the enemy plane.

48. The furthest distance in the world is your home in Australia, and I cook porridge at home.

49. Today, my mother asked me why I smoked. I said I like to eat soot!

As a matter of fact, I am homesick. It's just a matter of who I live in.

5 1, I really can't see you so close to me because I'm blind.

My socks are full of holes. My future is not a dream.

53. People who run around brothels are not old. Please use Huiren Shenbao.

54. The tragedy of life is that when you want to do anything, you only have a knife.

If you yell at a bitch in the street, it's definitely higher than asking a beautiful woman to turn around!

56. The whole school was cut off from water for two days. The next day, I found that there were not many girls in my class.

57. Some things don't need to be wrangling. They are ostensibly obedient and secretly rebellious.

58. When I was a child, I cried when I was sad, but when I grew up, I laughed when I was sad. .

59. We can avoid everyone, but we can't avoid a fly. What makes us unhappy in life is often trivial things.

60. The color of the money in your pocket determines your mood today.

6 1, from heaven to hell, I was just passing by.

62. Prices are in line with Europe, house prices are in line with the moon, and wages are in line with Africa.

63. Failure in thought and morality is better than not thinking at all.

64. If I die, my first sentence is: I don't have to be afraid of ghosts at last.

It was that period of compulsory education that occupied my youth.

66, do what you want to do, otherwise, let the pig talk nonsense.

67. Being in a daze, doing well is called profound. If you can't do it well, you are likely to fall asleep.

68. There is an affectionate and mean attitude, and there is a state of nothing to find.

Brother Chun is not a pure man, but she is a real man.

Some people are alive, but she is dead. Some people are still alive, and he should have died!

7 1, as a foodie, eating doesn't mean I'm hungry, just because my mouth is lonely.

72. My mother praises me for being virtuous and carefree.

73. This is all due to personality. Save some flowers, it is shameful to squander them.

74, eat, I want, thin, I also want, can't have both, and left.

Online and stealth are the same these days, and no one cares about you.

76, you didn't spoil the word youth, you are in beginning of autumn.

77, the season of black silk flooding, let us these thick legs?

78. Behind every successful Altman, there is a little monster who is beaten silently.

79. People think I'm bowing my head, and I'm looking at whether this hair on the ground should be connected.

80. People want faces, trees want skins, and telephone poles want cement.

8 1, the highest level of ignorance is two words: pretend to understand!

82. I woke up in the morning thinking I had grown up, only to find that the quilt cover was horizontal.

83. If the teacher didn't say don't litter, I would throw you out.

84. If eating more fish can nourish the brain and make people smarter, then you should eat at least a pair of whales.

85. When I said I couldn't afford to be hurt, it was the day when your house caught fire.

86. I stayed up late because I didn't have the courage to end the day; Stay in bed because you don't have the courage to start a new day.

87. I suggest that everyone should know my appearance first, and appreciate it second.

88. What are you pretending to be tender? Wrinkles on the face can kill flies.

Don't let others get you easily, or you will be easily forgotten.

90. Every time I tutor Buddha's feet, Buddha always kicks me.

9 1. If a woman is a book, many women have only one page: one page has a car, one page has a room, and the other page has a ticket.

92. All people talk as they are. I read the medical records. I can't even imagine a doctor.

93. For girls, pregnancy is a matter of time.

94. Nowadays, children's papers are so rude that they always don't talk to me in class.

95. I knew it was so difficult to find a girlfriend, so I decided to kiss the doll.

96. There are always a few grandfathers every month. His face changed from red to green, from green to yellow, to blue, to purple, to green, and finally he left me.

97. Going out for a walk is not for me. My biggest wish is to sit in front of the computer and meditate on Sunday.

98. I always feel that a bed that is made too neatly will mean a little peace in my old age. Well, it's still messy and energetic.

99. What is irony? Ironically, even if you are willing to be someone else's toilet paper, people still think your paper is soft, dirty your fingers, and hard, hurting your ass.

100. When I was a child, I thought I could save the world when I grew up. When I grow up, I find that the whole world can't save me.

10 1, the unfairness of this world lies in: God said: I want light! So there was this day. The beauty said: I want a diamond ring! So she bought a diamond ring. The rich man said: I want a woman! So he had a woman. I said: I want to take a shower! I can't believe the water was cut off.

102. Just now, I took a tram in an alley here. A big brother crossed the road by bike. It's getting closer and closer and it's about to hit. At this moment, the witty eldest brother shouted, "You go right, I go left." Then, we climbed for a long time before getting up!

Talking about 2020 personality classics, not discussing.

20xx personality classic. Tell me about it.

1. If you are complicated, the world will be complicated; You are simple, and the world is simple.

I don't need your prickly tenderness, because you don't deserve my tenderness.

I thought I could work hard. But why do you want to seize the memory?

4. Transfer one person's warmth to another person's chest.

You will never grow up unless you try to do something beyond your ability.

6. How many people are heartless and finally tore their hearts out for one person.

7. Love is like this. Some people are still waiting for you to turn back, and some people have already left.

8. There is a joke called love, which makes you laugh and cry, but still refuses to let go.

9. When you listen to a song, you will think of a person and all kinds of experiences together.

10. Sometimes, what you say unintentionally is actually what you want to say in your heart.

1 1. It is better to love others than yourself, so as not to be too tired.

12. Women are most beautiful when they don't love you.

13. It doesn't matter. We are just friends, so there is no reason to be apart.

14. Some people won't forget because they don't want to give up; Some people have to forget because it's not worth it.

15. Love is simple: one person, one life, one heart and one mind.

16. Invisibility is not to be afraid of being disturbed, but to give an excuse that no one has ever said I was disturbed.

17. Don't wait for you to go far before you realize that you have lost me.

18. Everyone's youth has detours.

19. In the past, I only cared about the people I love, but now I only care about the people who love me.

20. In fact, I really want to know whether I am in your eyes or in your heart.

2 1. Loneliness is hearing a familiar name and accidentally remembering some stories.

22. No one made a promise to make me cry, and I have no reason to cry.

23. You have a desire for a person, which is called like, and you have a desire for a person, which is called love. . .

24. Sometimes it's not that I don't want to contact, but that I feel unnecessary.

25. Be kind to a person desperately, for fear that he won't like you if he does something wrong. That's not love, it's flattery.

One day you will understand that people should love themselves first.

27. You are the author of your own life, why do you want to write a tragic script?

28. I am really not sad, but I am really unhappy without you.

29. How humble you are to the person you like, how cruel you are to the person you like.

30. In fact, those who are strong during the day may be those who cry themselves to sleep at night.

3 1. Sometimes I really want to take out my heart, throw it out, and say, what are you hurting, worthless thing?

32. Just because I don't sing love songs at the top of my lungs doesn't mean there are no heartbreaking moments.

33. You don't know how delicate your heart is without a little injury.

Don't give yourself too many excuses to back down before you find a reason to start over.

If you don't try to do something beyond your ability, you will never grow up.

Internet funny quotations

1. I grind my teeth when I sleep (my wife said, I don't know). One day, my daughter-in-law asked me, what dreams do you have when you sleep at night? I always gnash my teeth and answer, I dreamed of you. I dreamed about you. It's your turn! ! !

After making a beautiful girlfriend, she confessed to me for the first time, and I gave a cucumber. Seeing that she was so honest, I told her, well, I don't care, I will go in the future. But one day, I suddenly found a cucumber in her mobile phone address book, and I was blocked instantly.

It happened in the army at that time. A comrade-in-arms is a little sissy and asked me to go to the bathroom together. I came directly to say that you are sick and call me when you go to the bathroom. At this time, a fellow villager in my class called me, buddy, to go to the toilet for a cigarette. (Note: Smoking is not allowed in the army recruits' class), the landlord immediately shook his body, and he was so happy that only Xiaobing was left alone in the wind.

4. Take a shower with your husband. Just after undressing, my husband said "Hattie" in surprise, and then counted it like a child who just learned to count. 1, 2. I was curious to ask my husband what he was counting. The husband said in surprise, I'm counting the swimming rings on you. Get out of here. Your math class is taught by your Chinese teacher, right? Only three were returned to my mother, and one was missing.

A colleague took a wedding photo, and the photographer said, Come on, handsome boy, put your hands in your pockets. Colleagues put their hands into the pockets of jackets and suits.

6. There is a roommate in the university, which is very funny. On the way to class in the afternoon, he has been practicing long jump and took a big step in running. When gc reached the corner of the building, he jumped again. That's all he heard when he split his thigh. More interestingly, several girls from the corner still know each other. Finally, he borrowed a classmate's coat and went back to the dormitory.

7. Just now, my seven-year-old son ran to me: Dad, I just learned a poem called Ode to Dad. Shall I recite it to you? Me: Ah! Son can recite poems? Or a compliment to dad. Tell dad. Son: Dad, Dad, with a thin neck and a big head, sleeps dishonestly, wets the bed and talks in his sleep. Don't run, boy. Let's try stick education.

LZ was on the night shift last night. Have dinner with colleagues in the evening. I sat next to a goddess, and I was embarrassed to say hello. Colleagues suddenly saw rice grains on the mobile phone that the goddess put on her lap, so they quietly told me that LZ had a brain pumping and said a sentence directly. I am full and hungry. No wonder the goddess looked over and said nothing.

9. My little nephew is over two years old and loves to talk. Ask me one day, uncle, why don't you get married? I teased him and said, will you help your uncle find an aunt? He said yes ~ I'll go to the playground to find an aunt for my uncle. I heard tears in my eyes. My little nephew is too sensible to talk about with excitement. He added, I will go to my uncle when I grow up. When you grow up, when you grow up, I cry even more.

10, one day my wife asked me: I finally sent my son to kindergarten, and I should look for a job. Please show me a bright way! Me: That's easy to say. Just sweep the street. You are good at sweeping the floor. The road you sweep must be Guangming Avenue!

165438+ ! Let's go to the hospital at once. This child must be saved!

12, a girlfriend came to my house to play and changed clothes in my room, but the curtains were not closed. I quickly reminded her, and she said disapprovingly, Change clothes in your room, and the person opposite thought it was you when they saw it! Hey, why should I make this stupid good friend? Do you want to make friends?

13, I saw a beautiful woman in a food stall today. Beauty: Does the proprietress have any paper? The beauty seems to be in a hurry, and the proprietress is also generous. She took a few pieces on the dining table and gave them to the beautiful woman. The beauty ran to the next toilet. I asked the proprietress in my heart, can you please give your sister a good piece of paper after you catch the pepper? I wonder what will happen if your sister comes out.

14, Husband: I heard that someone died and wanted to drink Meng Po Tang, so forget about me. Me: Then I don't want to drink it. Husband: Don't you want to forget me? Me: I asked her to give me the biggest bowl.

15, I went to the park with a buddy at the weekend and saw a dog taking a shit. When my buddy passed by, the dog barked at him, and the buddy was angry at that time: Cao Ma, what do you mean, what do you mean, I can still steal your shit? When I heard the domineering language of my buddy, I instantly felt that my buddy's back was also high.

16, I went to the barber shop with my sister, because my sister's breasts were bigger, and the guys in the barber shop rushed to wash my hair. Why didn't anyone grab my hair? Shit, I also understand why the reclining chair for washing hair is designed like this, not just for the comfort of customers.

17, the athlete was bedridden due to illness, and the team doctor took his temperature in his lethargy. The athlete asked: How many degrees? Answer: Close to 40 degrees! The athlete asked again: How far is it from the world?

18. Just now, on the way back to the company after shopping with my colleagues, a beautiful woman in front was walking in the middle of the road on the phone. She is in a hurry, as if looking for someone. A car behind us honked its horn and stopped slowly among us. The landlord looks at K5! White! Colleague's car! Open the back door conveniently, sit down and do it at once! I will never forget the confused eyes of my sister holding a mobile phone at the landlord and the co-pilot aunt after another door was opened!

19, I still remember that year, I went to the station to meet my wife, specially cut my hair and wore a white shirt that I didn't usually wear. When I arrived, I asked her cheerfully, wife, do you think my whole body reminds you of an era and a period of youth? My wife pointed at my chest: The story of Uncle Sloppy? When I looked at it, I didn't know when a big lump of Chili oil appeared. What about the agreed 17-year-old bike and white shirt? Why not let others be wind chasers?

In the office, the English teacher helps a student with learning difficulties to improve his oral English. The teacher helped him practice oral dialogue first. Hello! As soon as the teacher said, the boy opened his mouth and came: cool dog! Alas, I have listened to too many songs on the Internet!

2 1, someone in the group sent a red envelope, and the result was spontaneous. Some people are very angry and say, no, how can you eat alone? I quickly agreed: Yes, spit it out and eat it together!

22. In high school, the class teacher liked to check posts outside the window. Once I was playing with my mobile phone at the same table, and the class teacher was talking on the phone outside the window. When he saw his deskmate, he rushed over and asked you to play with his mobile phone in class without saying anything. As a result, he dumped his phone. The deskmate looked messy, and the class teacher silently picked up his Nokia battery and shell. .

I went swimming for the first time last summer. As a result, the locker room and the cabinet are not on the same floor. I changed my bathing suit and put all my clothes in the cupboard. I found that I couldn't find my underwear when I came back. Later, I had no choice but to put on my pants and pretend that nothing had happened. I went to the door and heard that someone had found a pair of underwear and claimed it. . Have no courage to go. That pair of underwear was silently abandoned by me in the lost and found. .

24. Once my girlfriend came to see me, I asked her to wait for me at a certain intersection. It's close. She said she didn't know the way. I told her to walk in the past 100 meters. As a result, she said, there is no sun today, and I don't know how to get there! God, I was immediately impressed by her IQ.

25. After self-study, I pushed open the dormitory door and found my roommate sleeping on my upper bunk. He pointed a flashlight at his ear in one hand and an ear shovel in the other, and asked him what he was doing. He said: You can only see clearly by pulling out your ears! See clearly? Your eyes will be busy!

26. One day, while walking on the road, two people quarreled. One person can't beat the other, just say, I spit in your face. Another person worships instantly!

27. Last night, I spent 10 to buy more than a kilo of mango (one kilo in 5.5 yuan) ~ ~ Passing by the fruit stall downstairs in the community, the aunt selling fruit asked: How much did you buy this mango? Tell her, after all, let me weigh it for her and say I lost money! The result is put on the scale, and the price shows: 14.5 yuan! I vaguely floated a sentence: Did I miss two pounds before _ I saw her green face messy in the wind, and she would not die if she didn't die!

A few days ago, my friend gave birth to a son. I called on the road today to ask about the situation. I asked her, do you have any milk? Here comes the point. Just finished, I calmly walked past a boy, and instantly felt ashamed to see anyone.

29. Tell an interesting story. One day I took the bus after work, and there were two beautiful women talking next to me. One of them said, hey! Nowadays, men are more and more colorful and always bother me around me. It's really annoying Another sister said: You are right. At work, almost every day there are several men around me, like flies, I can't get rid of them. At this time, a 2-year-old child across the street asked, Dad, what is a fly? Dad said: it's the bugs you see outside, revolving around garbage and shit.

30. I flew with my colleagues, with four seats in the middle and two beautiful women next to me. I'm really sorry that my colleagues started pretending to be B: X when they got on the plane. We had an accident. I didn't book first class. This is my dereliction of duty. I will do it well next time. He looked humiliated, asked the stewardess to bring me a blanket, and then chatted with the beautiful woman next to him. In order to cooperate with him, Lao Tzu lived for more than two hours, pretending to be deep. He missed the opportunity without saying a word. Now I think wearing that grandson is really smart. I really want to help him several times.