Selected medical humorous jokes

1, a friend went to the hospital to see a doctor, and the auscultator asked him to unbutton his clothes. The friend did, and the doctor looked at it and said, Brother, where is your chest? The friend said helplessly: at that time, I was too young to understand, and a pimple was deducted! ! !

2. The doctor said to a patient: It is good for your health to have breakfast for dinner in the future. After a few days, the patient couldn't help but say, doctor, you have to vomit every night when you eat fried dough sticks and soybean milk! ! !

3. When the daughter-in-law's belly is getting bigger and bigger, she went to gynecology. After the doctor checked, she said, there must be two little people living in your body. The wife said excitedly, are they twins? The doctor shook his head and said, no, one is "I can't eat any more" and "it doesn't matter if I eat a little" ...

4. High school physical examination is particularly nervous when color blindness is weak. I knew the shape, but I didn't know what it was, so I took out paper and strokes and showed them to the doctor. The doctor called our teacher with a straight face, and then the teacher took me to check my intelligence!

The doctor said: Girl, as a psychologist, I must tell you that ugliness is not the cause of inferiority or even autism. I hope you can bravely raise your head and be a confident and beautiful girl. The girl said, doctor, can I turn around now?

6. A hospital is doing B-ultrasound examination. A male staff member told us that color B is in room 20 1 and black and white B is in room 202. All patients go to the designated room for examination. At this time, a woman blushed, walked up to the staff and took off her pants and said, doctor, look at what B I belongs to. ....

7. A group of people in the hospital corridor are waiting for a urine test, each with his own urine sample in his hand. It's the turn of a patient named Wang Shangju. Without much thought, the nurse casually shouted: Wang Shangju! Then all the patients raised their urine samples a little higher, and the nurse shouted again: Wang Shangju! ..... Then the patient held the urine sample higher ... The nurse also shouted: Wang Shangju! ! ! Then all the patients held the urine samples high ... At this time, Wang Shangju realized that the nurse was calling himself, and he replied loudly: Here we go! Then all the patients turned their urine samples upside down.

8. The man selling fried dough sticks waved his hand back and served fried dough sticks to female customers without washing his hands. After being noticed by a female customer, she said, "I don't want what you take, let your daughter-in-law take it for me!" " After the daughter-in-law gave her the fried dough sticks, she looked at the back of the female customer and muttered, "Hum! No sooner had he touched you than you got dirty. I touched it all night last night ... "

9, the disease is not light!

I feel very uncomfortable today, so I asked for leave to go to the hospital. The doctor looked at me and said, "You are very ill!" " "I passed a pharmacy on my way home and went in to weigh it. I was shocked at that time, and then suddenly realized, "It's so heavy, no wonder the doctor said I was very ill ~ ~"

10, those things about injections when I was a child

Doctor: Don't be afraid. My uncle will give you a candy after giving you an injection.

Me: doctor, please fill it up for me.

1 1, do you still want to eat enough?

During my internship, I asked the obstetrician for a patient number. The maternal milk tube is blocked, and the child can't eat milk.

Attending teacher: "Let your husband suck, just get through." Maternal: "He went out to work, not at home."

Attending physician: "Just buy a breast pump." Patient number: "I tried, but I didn't come until I could."

This time, the attending doctor looked at it and only met a male intern, saying, "Go suck it for her."

This classmate went shyly, but not often. The classmate asked the teacher, "I'm finished. I have no milk." Do you still need to suck? "

The teacher glared: "What? Do you still want to eat enough? "

12, I feel much better.

The doctor walked into the ward and saw a patient with a good complexion: "I am in good spirits today."

Patient: "Yes! Yes! Since I got this mental illness, the whole person has been a lot more energetic. "

13 What did the doctor say?

Xiaoming is a very hard-working student and recites many English words every day. One day, his grandfather had a car accident and he was in the hospital. His mother came to ask him what the doctor said. He replied, "Doctor!"

14, dare you say I have no guts?

Because of toothache, I went to the hospital to prescribe some medicine yesterday! I prescribed medicine today, but I found that I didn't indicate how many pills I took! So I called the doctor. "Ah! Is it Dr. xxx? I have prescribed medicine for my toothache. I don't know how to eat? " Doctor: "Is it swollen? Don't eat without seeds! " If I plug in, will I have no guts? I ate all the labor and capital at once. Do you dare to say that I have no guts?

15, you treat me as a textbook! ?

I went to the hospital for infusion today. I should be an intern nurse. Feel my blood vessels.

An old nurse is watching. The little nurse said she couldn't touch it, and the old nurse came up and touched it, saying, prick this, prick this, there are horizontal roots, so it's rare to meet you!

Hey, hey, you treat me like a textbook! ?

16, the doctor just casually asked him if he had sex.

My classmate, a girl. When I was in the third grade, I had a stomachache and went to the hospital for examination. After the doctor checked, he asked: Have you ever had sex? Mother answered first: no, the child is still young, and my classmate said weakly: yes, mother's eyes have changed color. My classmate: Is this related to the illness, doctor? Doctor: No, just asking. ...

17, what a cool feeling

Remember 12, the company needs blood test for physical examination, but it is still useful not to cut it. My brother is a sister, sitting opposite me, and she knows that it is necessary to clench her fist and let go when drawing blood. When her hand opened, she touched her chest. As a result, I drew three tubes from other tubes, and I drew four.

18, our business is the least cost-effective. .

Strip * * * Lang: Seeing a doctor is the most uneconomical thing in our business. .

Doctor: Why?

Take off your clothes * * * Lang: Let's show it to the guests. Take it. Here, we show you and post money. .

Doctor: Yes. . . . .

19, laughing when swollen like this!

Doctor: What's the matter with you?

Man: I told you not to laugh.

Doctor: OK.

Men take off their pants, JJ is only as big as their little fingers, and doctors laugh hysterically.

Man: You're still laughing when you're swollen like this!

20. What should I do? . .

Last week, I had corns on my feet and asked for leave for surgery. The manager didn't believe me and insisted. .

I had to show him my socks before he signed it. . .

I found myself with hemorrhoids this week. What should I do? . .

2 1, this is not my home

It is said that the nurse took a bath the next day after giving birth and sent it back after washing. Nurse: XX, your baby. I was about to pick it up when my husband shouted, This is not my house. The whole room froze! And then it was gone. . . . .

22. The bladder is not full.

When I got the company's medical report, there was one item on the report: the bladder was not full, and I was scared at that time. I quickly called Baidu to consult my doctor friend. Finally, I came to the conclusion that the reason was that I didn't hold my urine during the physical examination in the morning. In retrospect, I almost didn't have enough urine during the urine test.

23. Blood sample analysis shows that you are in good health. .

Lawyer: Which should I listen to first, the good news or the bad news?

Prisoner: Listen to the bad first. .

Lawyer: Your blood was found on the victim's body.

Prisoner: OK. .

Lawyer: Blood sample analysis shows that you are in good health. .

My husband can't do it. Can't we lead?

A TV hostess was infertile and anxious after several years of marriage. She went to the doctor and complained, "Say I can't. I was pregnant three times when I was unmarried. " Say my husband can't do it, then why can't we Taiwan Province leaders do it 13 times a night?

Xiaoming asked Xiaohong, "Do you know what * * * does?"

Xiaohong said, "poop."

"What else?"

"Bullshit."

"What else?"

"Is there anything else? ..... ah! Hello rogue! " (blushes)

Actually. . .

25. What a considerate man!

My friend had a fight with someone else and got a needle in his head. I bought a box of walnuts to visit him in the hospital.

I stood in front of the bed and peeled some walnuts for him and said, "Eat whatever you want and eat these shells."

26, boy, do you dare to think so?

My daughter-in-law caught a bad cold yesterday and needed to go to the hospital for examination. As a result, the doctor told me that I needed to take off my daughter-in-law's clothes and pants for inspection. I didn't like me then. Although I don't know how to see a doctor, I still know this trick. I just want to make my daughter-in-law seriously ill, so that I can pay more for things.

27. It's a bit wrong to pay attention.

There is a buddy who has been married for three years and has no children. He went to the hospital for examination and was really infertile. The elder brothers looked at the diagnosis and said, damn, how many condoms have been wasted in recent years and how much money has been wasted!

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28, not less than 1000.

A patient with insomnia went to see a doctor. The doctor said to him, "Count from 1 to 1000, and you will fall asleep." The next day, the patient came with a sad face and said to the doctor, "your method doesn't work." I counted to 500 yesterday, so I was sleepy. I only counted 1000 after drinking a cup of coffee. "

29. Doctors are really partial. .

Two patients are chatting. One complains that the doctor cares too much and refuses to eat this and that!

The other said, really? My doctor doesn't care so much and tells me to eat whatever I want now. .

30. Artificial transplantation

A man wanted to grow a beard to increase his strength, so he asked a plastic surgeon to transplant his beard artificially.

When the doctor implanted his hair for the first time, his reaction was: although it was good, it was always itchy because of dandruff; So the doctor transplanted him with armpit hair, but he was still uncomfortable because of body odor. Doctors have to use male hair instead. As a result, he didn't expect his tongue to harden and stick out automatically every time he looked at a beautiful woman. Finally, the doctor had to try it with female hair.

As a result, the gentleman said to the doctor, "It's fine, but there will be nosebleeds every month!" " "

3 1, you should see the brain department. . .

A female colleague likes to make a sound when she speaks at ordinary times, and she also repeats the sound, such as eating, dressing, looking in the mirror, cutting and so on. Several peas have grown on her nose these days. She went to the hospital to rest yesterday, and the ENT doctor asked her what was wrong. This guy is getting better again: my nose hurts ... well, the doctor didn't respond at first, and then added: beauty, you should see a gynecologist. . . .

32. There are such idiots.

I went to the hospital to visit the patient that day. When I took the elevator, it was full. Just as the elevator was about to close, I knew another one had squeezed in. After that, I said in the spirit of teasing B: It's a little overweight. Just put your handbag outside. One or two goods really threw the bag out. Surprisingly, the elevator door was really closed. I wonder if that bag can be returned to its original owner.

33. Your ears are really good.

Lao Wang went to see a doctor with earache. The doctor looked at his ear with a small lamp in his hand and said, "Your ears are really beautiful." Old Wang Xi said: "For the first time, someone praised my ears!" "The doctor said," I mean, your ear canal is very straight and beautiful! " "

34. Hello, Sister.

Today, my wife and I were in the hospital. Because I am in the delivery room, I am always pregnant. I saw a pregnant woman there, which was particularly painful. At this time, another pregnant woman hurried by, shouting as she walked: nothing, the lump is born, don't worry. I thought to myself: elder sister, how can you live by hanging the person next to you like this?

35. I fell asleep .

My dog, who slept all afternoon, got up lame.

The front right foot didn't dare to go to the ground, and it was hanging all the time, so it was sent to the pet hospital.

Speaking of its illness, the doctor said it should be asleep, numb and dead!

Don't mention the way the nurse looked at me. . . . .

Unit routine physical examination, chest X-ray in mobile ambulance, cut ... The nurse told me to get on the bus, take off my coat and put it on the machine for chest X-ray. After 3 minutes, nothing happened. I asked the nurse if she was ready. As a result, the machine was pushed away and a colleague came out. It turned out to be just a door in the chest X-ray room, not to mention the way the nurse looked at me.

37. They won't hurt me!

Toothache! Hang a drip in the clinic! It's time to change water. I shouted several times, but no one paid attention! So he shouted for help!

As a result, I saw doctors and nurses coming out of the next room in a panic! Still sorting clothes! Do I know too much?

They won't hurt me!

38. My false teeth are still on it!

In the cinema, an old man bent over and looked around in the gap between his seats. When someone asked him what he was looking for, he said that he had dropped his gum. People said keep the change and I'll give you another piece. He said no, my false teeth are still on it!

39. Your husband ... well, he should be frozen into a dog.

A woman went to the hospital and asked the doctor, "doctor, doctor, my husband bites every morning these days." What do you think is going on? " The doctor calmly replied, "Well, this kind of situation is very common. The weather has turned cold these two days, and your husband ... well (meaning hesitation, etc.) ... should be frozen into a dog. " 0.0

40, brother, pink

I went to the supermarket today and met a Xiong Haizi who asked me for money. I knew it was a lie as soon as I saw it, so I didn't give it to him. His face changed and he said, wait. Theo, what can you do in Xiong Haizi, call someone? I stared at him, but he took a few steps behind a sister, suddenly lifted her skirt and loudly said to me, "Brother, pink!" " "

4 1, when you say nothing.

Late at night, boys and girls walked hand in hand in the street. The boy suddenly got up the courage and said to the girl, "Don't go home tonight!" " "The girl silently low head, don't talk. The boy suddenly touched his pocket and then said disappointedly, "Forget it! I didn't bring my ID card either. " The girl hesitated for a few seconds, and then suddenly asked, "Do you think I look good with long hair or short hair?" The boy replied listlessly and casually, "how should I know?" I have never seen you cut your hair short. " The girl then took out her ID card from her bag and pointed to the photo above and said, "Look! Look! " The boy smiled knowingly. ......

42. Five fucking hours by train, and it's yours.

It's easy to get a seat ticket on a business trip. When I got on the bus, I found that the seat was occupied by a young man. My brother's seat is mine, and he is still excited. I have been sitting in this position for 5 hours, and it is mine! The whole carriage was silent. LZ said weakly that it would be yours in another five hours by train. The whole carriage burst into laughter and the grandson ran away without lifting his head. Cool! ! !

43. Because she wears less, she has a car!

Go shopping with friends in winter. Suddenly I saw a beautiful woman wearing a skirt, showing her long legs in winter. She came out of the shop and drove away in a BMW. My friend told me, "Don't think it's incredible. She has a car, so she wears less." I looked back at my friend and said, "no, because she wears less, she has a car!" " "

44. There is only 3% electricity left.

When I went to the hospital to see constipation, the doctor solved the problem for me in three sentences: "You just need to leave only 3% electricity for your mobile phone before defecation, and wipe it naturally when there is no electricity." . .

45, because the foot pain has spread to other places.

My daughter-in-law's foot hurts. I'll take her to see a doctor. In the clinic, I said to the doctor, "My daughter-in-law has a pain in her foot. Help her prescribe some medicine!" "

The doctor picked up the receiver and put it on my wife's chest. I was surprised: "What are you doing? My wife's feet hurt! "

The doctor said solemnly, "You don't understand! Because my foot hurts, I want to check if it is infected elsewhere! "

Is that really the case? Doctor! I read little, don't lie to me!

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