Ten Humorous Stories by Su Dongpo

The bones are not cold

Su Dongpo lived in Huangzhou for several years. One evening, he went boating on the Yangtze River with his good friend monk Fo Yin. While raising a glass, Su Dongpo suddenly pointed his hand to the riverbank, smiling without a word. Fo Yin looked around and saw a yellow dog gnawing at a bone. He realized something and threw a fan inscribed with Su Dongpo's poem into the water. The two men looked at each other and couldn't help laughing. ? It turns out that this is a dumb couplet.

Su Dongpo's first couplet is: dogs gnaw on the bones of the river (monk)

Fo Yin's second couplet is:

Water flowing Dongpo's corpse (Dongpo's poem).

Dongpo had nothing to do but eat grass. Su Shi went to Jinshan Temple to visit Master Fo Yin. Unexpectedly, the master was absent and a little novice monk came to open the door. Su Shi proudly said, "Where is the bald donkey? ！” . Little novice monk calmly pointed to the distance and replied, "Dongpo eats grass!" " During the Northern Song Dynasty, when the couplet retreated to the enemy, the Song people led the Liao state to invade. However, the imperial court, which was bent on peace, attracted an envoy from Liao State, and sent a couplet asking the Song people to answer correctly: Three Lights, the Sun, the Moon and the Stars. Withdraw troops and make peace if the bottom allied. This couplet seems simple, but it is not easy to be right. The numbers in the sentence are just the same as those in the back, and the numbers selected in the sentence correspond to more or less than three things. Su Shi, who happened to return to Beijing to report on his work, skillfully combined the upper and lower couplets with a stroke of a pen: four poems are elegant and ode. There are only three names for this couplet in the Four Poems, because there are "elegance" and "elegance" in the Book of Songs, which are collectively called "elegance". In addition, there are four parts of "national style" and "ode to poetry", so the Book of Songs is also called "four poems". The quip is natural, and Liao admires it to the extreme. The three of them will have my teacher Su Shi, my little sister and Huang Tingjian to enjoy the paintings one day. See the title above: light wind and fine willows, light moon and plum blossoms. Look, it's a four-character couplet, but there's a word in the middle. Little sister suggested adding words in the middle to become a five-character couplet. Huang Tingjian grabbed the right thing: dancing in the breeze and dancing in the willows, hiding the plum blossoms in the light moon. Little sister fills in: the breeze shakes the willow, and the light moon reflects the plum blossom. Su Shi thought for a moment and immediately responded, filling in the words to make it become: the breeze helps the willow, and the plum blossoms are lost in the light moon. Throughout the three-person couplets, Su Shi is the best: the word "Fu" not only describes the softness of the wind and the delicacy of the willow, but also describes the intimacy between the wind and the willow, which is more vivid; The word "lost" is also more appropriate than the word "hidden", which not only emphasizes the bright moonlight, but also gives consideration to the cleanliness of plum blossoms, highlighting the scene of the integration of the two, which is more consistent and appropriate. Fo Yin, Su Shi's best friend. Although he is a monk, he never avoids wine and meat. On this day, Fo Yin fried fish and drank wine, which happened to be Su Shi's visit. Fo Yin quickly hid the fish under the big fish. Su Shi had already smelled the smell of fish, but he didn't see it when he entered the door. He remembered that he had been tricked by Huang Ting that day, and he turned his mind and deliberately said, "Today, I came to ask the master, what is the next sentence of Xiangmendi Chunchang?" Fo Yin was deeply surprised that his old friend read an old sentence known to everyone, and he blurted out the following sentence: It is more than a celebration to accumulate good deeds. Su Shi clapped his hands and laughed: "Since there is fish (surplus) in the Qing Dynasty, let's accumulate some goodness and enjoy it." Once in Wushan River, Su Shi asked his brother Su Zhe to marry Master Fo Yin. The three of them traveled together, and Fo Yin improvised a sentence: No mountain is as good as Wushan. The key lies in the homonym of "nothing" and "witch". Su Zhe is right: he ye can be as round as a lotus leaf. When Su Shi heard this, he said to his younger brother: It is certainly good to use the homonym of "He He" to "Wu Wu", but is it better to change it to this way: What water can be as clear as a river? Hearing this, Fo Yin and Su Zhe agreed, saying that "water" is better than "mountain", which is more stable in processing. Su Shi, who hasn't met her friends for a long time, invited Huang Tingjian to visit her home. When her younger sister saw her brother go out to meet her personally, she made a joke, saying: Brother invites bimonthly outside. "bimonthly" is combined into the word "friend" Su Shi knew that Xiaomei was joking with herself and immediately said, Xiaomei catches half the wind at the window. "Half" is right for "double" and "wind" is right for "moon". Interestingly, the traditional Chinese word for "wind" means that half wind is "lice", which means that little sister catches lice at the window. Little sister turned away in anger. After Su Shi resumed his official duties, he once told Huang Tingjian: "When I was in prison, I ate three meals a day, which was still very sweet, so delicious in the world!" . When Huang Tingjianqi asked what three white rice meant, Su Shi replied, "A pinch of salt, a dish of raw radish and a bowl of rice is three white rice." Su Shi has forgotten about this matter. One day, I received an invitation from Huang Tingjian, inviting Su Shi to his house for a meal. Su Shi readily agreed to the appointment and said to his wife, "Huang Tingjian is a contemporary bachelor and has read a lot. His food must be rare. But when Su Shi got to the place and found that there was only salt, radish and rice on the table, he suddenly realized that this had been teased by Huang Tingjian. A few days later, Huang Tingjian also received an invitation from Su Shi, inviting him to have a meal. Huang Tingjian knew that Su Shi wanted revenge, but he was curious and wanted to know what the rice was, and finally went. Su Shi accompanied Huang Tingjian from early Shanghai to evening, and put Huang Tingjian's chest on his back because of hunger. I really can't help asking for food. Su Shi answered slowly, "salt is hairy (no, pronounced m m m m o, meaning" no "), radish is hairy, and rice is hairy. Isn't it a" rice "? In fact, you have been enjoying it. " Huang Tingjian consternation, two people laugh at the same time. It's good to die in his later years. When Su Shi was dying, he asked his sons around the bed, "Do you think it's good to die?" ！” The youngest son replied mysteriously, "It must be very good." Su shiqi said, "how can you know so positively?" ！” The youngest son said, "Think about it. If it's not good, why don't all the dead people come back?". No one has come back for thousands of years, so it must be good to die! " For example, in order to help his little sister marry Qin Guan, his sister embarrassed Qin Guan and said that only when he was right can she enter the bridal chamber. The poem is "Push the window and the moon with both hands". At that time, Su Shi saw that Qin Guan couldn't match, and then gave him a hint. He threw a stone into the water, and Qin Guan was enlightened. Only by saying "throwing a stone to break the water" did they achieve good things ... There are many stories about Su Shi. Su Shi usually doesn't send words at any time, but he has a hobby that he has to write and draw after waking up drunk. Therefore, acquaintances often get his calligraphy and painting in this way. A military attache was also interested in Su Shi's calligraphy and painting, but he didn't know Su Shi and couldn't use this method, so he found a civil servant who knew Su Shi and said that if he could help him get a calligraphy and painting of Su Shi, he would exchange a leg of lamb. After the civil servant promised, he began to write to Su Shi, and Su Shi always replied to his letter. In this way, the civil servant got a lot of leg of lamb through Su Shi's reply.

Later, I don't know why Su Shi's disciple, namely Huang Tingjian of Su Huang Mi Cai, knew about it, so he told Su Shi about it. Su Shi didn't care at that time. But for a while, he was too busy with work and forgot to reply. The civil servant began to hope that if he believed it or not, he would not get a leg of lamb. So he sent a servant to Su Shi to urge him. When Su Shi saw the servant, he picked up a pen to reply. Suddenly, he thought of Huang Tingjian's words, so he put the pen aside and said to the servant, "Tell your adult that this official will not kill sheep today!"

?

Poetry for a banquet

When Su Shi was twenty years old, he went to the capital for scientific research. Six conceited juren looked down on him, and decided to invite Su Shi to dinner for the next kind of food, intending to tease him. Su Shi went with pleasure after receiving the invitation. Before chopsticks were moved, everyone proposed a drinking order, and the contents of the drinking order must quote historical figures and events, so that they could eat a dish by themselves. The other five people cheered. "I'll go first." The older one said, "Jiang Ziya is fishing in Weishui!" Say that finish took a plate of fish. "Qin Shubao Chang 'an sells horses," the second one proudly carried away the horse meat. "Su Ziqing herded sheep in Beihu Lake," the third one took the mutton without weakness. "Zhang Yide Zhuoxian sells meat," said the fourth one, reaching for the meat. "Guan Yunchang Jingzhou scraped the bone," and the fifth one couldn't wait to steal the bone. "Zhuge Liang grows vegetables in the middle," the sixth proudly picked up the last vegetable. All the dishes were finished, and when the six juren were happily preparing to laugh at Su Shi while eating, Su Shi was unhurriedly chanting, "Qin Shihuang annexed six countries!" After that, he put all six dishes in front of him and smiled, "Please, brothers!"! “。 Six juren stupefied.

Get ahead

When Su Shi was in Beijing, the presiding officer was Ouyang Xiu, a famous literary master in the Northern Song Dynasty. When he was examining and approving papers, he was fascinated by Su Shi's gorgeous and superb writing style. In order to prevent favoritism, the examination papers at that time were all anonymous. Therefore, although Ouyang Xiu wanted to choose this article as the first, he felt that this article was very similar to that written by his protege Ceng Gong, and he was afraid of falling behind the population, so he finally rated the second. It was not until the publication of the list that Ouyang Xiu knew that the author of the article was Su Shi. After knowing the real situation, Ouyang Xiu regretted it, but Su Shi didn't care at all. Su Shi's generosity and outstanding talent made Ouyang Xiu admire: "Such a talented young man should really make him stand out from the crowd (this is where the idiom comes from)!" And officially accepted Su Shi as a disciple.

Family Reunion

After Su Shi won the second place in high school, the Su's three sons and the Su Xiaomei family, who are famous for their "Three Disasters" in Qin Shaoyou, gathered in the garden to celebrate. Su Xun, the father of Su Shi, proposed the word "cold and fragrant", and each of them wrote two poems, all of which were in line with the situation at that time. In order to take the lead, Su Laoquan walked slowly to the edge of the flower pond, chanting: "Water flows cold from the stone edge, and the wind comes from the flower." Zi You stood up and picked a fragrant wintersweet, flicked his finger, and said, "Cold words are unknown, and plum blossoms are playing all over his fingers." Little sister also went to pick flowers, but Zi wanted to laugh at him for imitating himself, but little sister said, "Make the cuckoo's throat cold and stay in Hua Hudie for a dream." Say that finish spread out the palm, a butterfly has been crushed to death. The daughter's characteristics were exposed, and everyone cheered in unison. Su Shi brushed a stone bench and rode away. Su Laoquan shouted, "My son, don't go without an answer." Before his voice fell, Su Shi had a long voice: "The clothes are cold when you brush the stone, and the horseshoe fragrance is gone when you step on the flowers"!

Dongpo fish

Su Shi is not only a great writer in literature, but also good at gourmets. Besides Dongpo elbow, Su Xueshi is also good at cooking fish, and his cooking fish is a must. Once, Su Shi was very happy. He personally went down to the cupboard to cook fish. Just after cooking, he saw Huang Tingjian come in through the window (Huang Tingjian was one of the four great fonts in ancient China, and he was a close friend of Su Shi. They often took pleasure in bickering). Knowing that it was to rub the meal card oil again, I hurriedly hid the fish at the top of the cupboard. When Huang Tingjian entered the door, he said, "Ask Brother Zi Zhan today, dare you ask Su Shi how to write Su?" Su Shi responded with a long face: "Su Zhe, the fish on the grass and the grain on the left." Huang Tingjian added, "Can you put this fish on the right?" Su Shi said, "Not bad." Huang Tingjian went on: "Is this fish ok?" Su Shi said, "How can fish be put on it?" Huang Tingjian pointed to the top of the cupboard and said with a smile, "Since Brother Zi Zhan also knows this truth, why did you put fish on it? ！” Su Shi, who has always been quick-witted, was completely beaten by Huang Tingjian this time!

fruit and medicine

Shortly after his marriage, Su Shi was invited to visit Huang Tingjian's house. When he arrived there, the servant came to ask him to go back at once and said that his wife was in a hurry. Huang Tingjian was sarcastic and intoned: "Fortunately, it is early (apricot, jujube and plum) and calm (cistanche deserticola is a traditional Chinese medicine)." This sentence contains three fruit names and one medicine name. Without looking back, Su Shi got on the saddle and walked away. As he walked, he said, "This thing (apple, cane and persimmon) must be angelica (angelica is the name of Chinese medicine)." Sigh, Dongpo's talent is really admirable.

high morals and bright festivals

As a literati, it is inevitable that they like to express their opinions in politics. Su Shi, who is almost synonymous with talent, is no exception. As a conservative, Su Shi is even more crazy about Wang Anshi's political reform and reform. In the second year of Yuanfeng in North Song Shenzong, the tenth year of political reform, Wang Anshi finally couldn't sit still in the face of Su Shi's sharp criticism. Su Shi was demoted to Huzhou, then arrested and sent to Bianliang for trial. History says that the literary inquisition of Wutai poetry case began, and a large number of literati who had contacts with Su Shi were implicated, even Ouyang Xiu, a teacher of Su Shi who had passed away, and his family were not spared. Su Shi himself suffered a hundred days in prison. Later, after the death of Wang Anshi's failed political reform, Song Zhezong instructed Su Shi to write a letter on his behalf. Su Shi did not disclose personal enmity in the letter without any political differences. On the contrary, he spoke highly of his political opponent. There is a passage in the article: "The noble and graceful writing is enough to decorate everything; The extraordinary trip is enough to blow the world. " This evaluation given to Wang Anshi, Su Shi himself is well deserved. The spirit of moral integrity and selflessness of Dongpo lay man really touched future generations.

A line between life and death

After Su Shi went to prison, Emperor Shenzong sent a little eunuch to pretend to be a prisoner and sleep with Dongpo in order to test whether he hated the son of heaven. When eating during the day, the little eunuch teased him with words. Su Shi ate with relish and replied, "Let the weather thunder and lightning, my heart will not move!" " At night, he fell asleep, and the little eunuch teased, "Isn't it a pity that Su Xueshi slept in such a bed?" ！” Su Shi ignored it and replied with a snore. The little eunuch woke him up early the next morning and said, "Congratulations, your Excellency, you have been pardoned." You know, that night was extremely dangerous. As long as Su Shi has a little complaint and a strange behavior of eating badly and sleeping unsteadily, it is at stake. In fact, Emperor Shenzong is also a fool. How can you not see it by sending a eunuch to rely on Su Shi's intelligence?

Dongpo Chibi

After being pardoned, Su Shi was banished to Huangzhou. Living in a hut on Dongpo with the help of a friend (Dongpo lay man came here), Su Shi had a lot of leisure time at this time, so he wrote poems everywhere, and a lot of peerless nouns such as Linjiang Xian and Bu Operator: Living in Huangzhou Dinghuiyuan were written during this period. "Nian Nu Jiao" written by Su Shi during his visit to Chibi, Huangzhou, has become an eternal story. However, although Su Shi is knowledgeable, he made a fatal mistake in geography. The Red Cliff of the Three Kingdoms is in the upper reaches of Wuhan, while the Red Cliff of Huangzhou is in the lower reaches of Wuhan. This red cliff is not the other red cliff. However, it is wrong to make a mistake. This red cliff inscribed by Su Shi is now called Dongpo Red Cliff.

Self-restraint

After the restoration of the conservatives in the imperial court, Sima Guang, a famous writer in the Northern Song Dynasty who was famous for smashing jars, worshiped physiognomy, and the new law was completely abolished. At this time, Su Shi, who is also a conservative, advocated that the new law should not be completely denied, but should be treated differently, so he had a fierce conflict with Sima Guang and was once again demoted to Guazhou. Although Su Shi believes in Buddhism, he doesn't like monks. I heard that there was a famous monk named Fo Yin in Jinshan Temple in Guazhou. Su Shi was not convinced after hearing this, so he decided to meet the old monk on the mountain for a while! In the temple, Su Shi talked from the emperor to the civil and military officials, and from governing the country to being a man. The monk listened quietly. When Su Shi saw that Fo Yin had been silent, he looked down on him from his heart. I thought to myself: everyone said that he had the ability. It turned out that he was a straw bag and came here to cheat some incense money! The topic slowly came to Buddhism. At this time, Fo Yin asked: "What kind of person should Lao Na be in the eyes of your husband?" Su Shi was full of contempt and casually replied, "You are capable in the eyes of ordinary people, but that's because they are shallow. In fact, you are a liar every day without real talent and learning!" Fo Yin smiled, silent answer. When Su Shi saw him like this, he not only looked down upon the monk more, but also