Jokes for depressed friends

1, "happiness" means that cats eat fish, dogs eat meat, and Altman beats little monsters.

2. "Generation gap" means that I asked my dad what he thought of "Chrysanthemum Table" and he said he had never drunk it.

3. "Narcissism" means that you must be reborn as a woman in your next life and then marry a man like me.

4, "speechless" means that the judge asked: Why do you want to print counterfeit money? The criminal said: I can't print real money.

"Despair" means that the restaurant ordered two dishes and ate the first one: "Is there anything worse in the world? ! "Eat the second" shit! Yes!

Blessing in advance: Happy Mid-Autumn Festival!

During the earthquake, four old ladies were playing mahjong in a tall building in Chengdu. One of them said, "Why do I feel the building shaking?" Another old lady got up and looked out of the window: "Nothing, nothing, play cards quickly, other buildings are shaking!" "

Teacher: To be honest, do you smoke?

Boy a: no.

Teacher: No? Well, French fries, please.

A naturally stretched out two fingers and took it …

Teacher: No? ! Call your parents

[Scene 2]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy b: no.

Teacher: No? Well, French fries, please.

B took the French fries carefully with her palm, because she heard about A.

Teacher: Aren't you going to dip in some ketchup?

B accidentally dipped too much, and immediately played it with his finger …

Teacher: The posture of playing ash is very skillful. Call your parents ...

[Scene 3]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy c: no.

Teacher: no, ok, I'll have French fries.

Because of the first two examples, C carefully finished the French fries with sweat.

Teacher: Aren't you going to take a root home for your classmates?

C picked up the French fries and put them in his ear …

Teacher: No? Call your parents ...

[Scene 4]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy d: no.

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

Eating French fries in fear.

Teacher: Aren't you going to take a root home for your classmates?

D carefully put the chips in his upper pocket again.

The teacher suddenly shouted: The headmaster is coming!

D hurriedly took out French fries from his pocket and threw them on the ground, stepping on them with his feet …

Teacher: No? ! Call your parents ...

[Scene 5]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy e: no,

Teacher: Good. Have a potato chip.

E just took French fries, and the teacher said, won't you invite me to eat?

E quickly handed me the French fries with both hands, and then took out a lighter …

Teacher: No? ! Call your parents ...

[Scene 6]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy f: no.

Teacher: Good. Have a French fries.

I ate it in fear.

Teacher: Suddenly shouted: The headmaster is coming!

F sweaty palms, but still calmly bowed his head and said, hello, headmaster!

Teacher: The headmaster will smell your mouth.

F takes out the French fries: no, it's still there, and the fire is not lit …

[Scene 7]

Teacher: Do you smoke?

Boy G: I swear to God, I will never smoke again.

Teacher: You really don't smoke? Ok, let's have a French fries.

G naturally took the French fries and ate them clean.

Teacher: That's a good boy. What brand of French fries do you usually like?

G (proudly): Greater China ...

[Scene 8]

Teacher: Have a portion of French fries.

Boy n: no thanks!

Teacher: …

Someone was riding a bicycle and heard a passerby shout: Go, Go, Go … I thought, Damn it, I can sing: Oh, music, music, music … I plunged into the ditch without saying anything. Passers-by scolded: Shit! Let me tell you something, Gou Gou, do you still ride horses? ! You deserve to fall to death!

My son sleeps with his mother every night. Mom said: when you grow up, you marry a daughter-in-law and sleep with your mother? A: Yes. Mom said, what about your wife? The son said, let her sleep with her father. Dad said excitedly after listening: children are sensible since childhood.

A mother took a taxi to junior high school to pick up her daughter.

When the mother and daughter passed a certain section, they saw a group of coquettish girls standing on the side of the road "doing business".

The adolescent daughter asked curiously, mom, what are those women doing standing by the road?

In order not to affect her daughter's innocent mind, the mother replied, those women are waiting for their husbands.

The talkative taxi driver replied: It's so funny. Everyone knows that those women are prostitutes.

Mother was angry and took a look at the driver.

The daughter then asked: mom, will that J girl have a baby?

Mom said coldly, of course, otherwise who will drive a taxi!

A brother is constipated and can't walk in the toilet for a long time. Just as he was going all out, he watched a buddy rush into the toilet like the wind and enter the next position. Hardly had he entered when there was a real storm. The brother envied his friend. Say, dude, I envy you,

That buddy said: I envy you to death, I haven't taken off my pants yet ~ ~

Once playing mahjong on a hot day, the power suddenly went out, so I had to buy candles to continue playing. After half an hour, it was too hot to stand. One man said, "Let's turn on the electric fan. It's too hot." Another man said, "You can't open it. If you open it, you will blow out the candle. "

A brother went to the toilet and ended up in the ladies' room by mistake. When I went in, I found there was no urinal. It doesn't feel right Fortunately, there is no one in the ladies' room. He walked out casually. When I opened the door, I met a mm who came in. Face to face with him, blushed, lowered his head and turned to drill in the men's room.

One day, there were too many people on the bus, which was very hot and stuffy. I don't know who farted, which made the environment worse. My friend can't stand it, and I don't know who it is. I can't help it It happened that the conductor was asking, "Who didn't buy a ticket?" My friend suddenly had a plan and said loudly, "Fart didn't buy a ticket!" " Suddenly, a particularly fat woman, holding the ticket high in her hand, said loudly, "I have bought the ticket!" "

A sculpture was completed in the new building of a university: a girl held a book in her left hand and a dove symbolizing peace in her right hand. Publicly soliciting names from off-campus students, many people's slogans coincide-reading is a bird's best!

Bicycles in school are lost seriously, and the new ones disappear in the blink of an eye, but sometimes with luck, the lost bicycles will reappear every few days. One day, my roommate Xiao Jing bought a new transmission car. She showed off to everyone and said, "I locked this car with the latest lock!" " The next day, Xiao Jing came back from self-study at night and looked depressed. He still holds a piece of paper in his hand, which reads: Don't be the owner here, I borrowed the car, and I'll pay you back in a few days!

A few days later, the thief really returned the car. Xiao Jing is very happy, but she is worried that the car will be "borrowed" again. He bought ten big locks, locked the car tightly, and put a note on the thief: See how you "borrow"! When Xiao Jing went downstairs the next morning, she found five more locks on the car, and there was a note on the lock: See how you ride!

There are three tadpoles. They go to a restaurant for dinner ... wait a little longer. The first course is fried frogs. ..

Three tadpoles sang in unison: I don't want to grow up. ...

One day, Cao Cao arrested Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. Cao Cao said to the three of them: each of you is going to the orchard to choose a fruit. After a while, Zhang Fei took out an apple. Cao Cao said, if they can put the fruit in their ass, let them go. Zhang Fei tried for a while without success and was killed. After a while, Guan Yu came out with three grapes and Cao Cao said the same thing to him. Guan Yu started stuffing things ... when he stuffed the third one, Guan Yu suddenly smiled, and as a result, he smashed the grapes and was killed. After going to the underworld, the prince asked Guan Yu, "You are so stupid, why are you laughing?" "If you don't laugh, you won't die," Guan Yu said with a sigh. I don't want to! Jealous beauty! When I stuffed the third one, I suddenly saw Brother Liu coming out with a durian ... "

Yesterday, I went to eat KFC. The man behind me looks like a couple. They ordered a lot of food and sat next to me. After sitting down, the girls began to eat hard, as if they were hungry for several days, while the boys chewed French fries one by one, as if they had something on their mind.

Suddenly, the boy put down the French fries, leaned down and asked seriously, "Qingqing, can I chase you?" "

Without looking up, the girl said directly, "No!"

The boy asked again, "Is it completely impossible?"

The girl simply said, "Not at all!"

The boy froze, looked straight at her and stayed there …

At that time, the girl was holding a chicken leg in one hand and a hamburger in the other. She thought that the boy was watching her, so she stopped eating, then looked at the boy with poor eyes and whispered, "So ... can I still eat?" "

Everyone around me, including me, laughed out loud. The boy was helpless and said, "Eat, eat ..."

This MM is so cute ... if I don't let it go, I must chase it ... desperately! ! ! !

I've been fidgeting at school. I taught myself for the first time when I was a freshman. I was so depressed sitting in the classroom that I immediately ran to the aisle to smoke.

Not long after I lit a cigarette, a girl from PL came over and asked me, "I'm studying by myself now! How did you get out? "

I said, I'm bored by smoking, MM Which class are you in? How also ran out.

PLMM pointed to our classroom and said, that class!

At that time, I was so excited to say, are we in the same class? What, are you depressed?

She said: well, a freshman in our class ran out from self-study and I came out to find him.

I smiled, it seems that someone still can't sit still. What do you want from him? You're not his mother!

MM: I can't help it I'm his head teacher!

I was cheated then ...

A minute later, I choked up and said, Teacher, you look so young …

After Phelps won eight gold medals:

How do countries compete in breaststroke, backstroke, butterfly and freestyle? 100,200,400, 1500 lead to too many gold medals.

Often dissatisfied, they ask to increase the number of gold medals in their own advantageous projects.

Brazil proposes:

Football is divided into 3 players, 5 players, 7 players, 1 1 player, beach, indoor and grass.

China put forward:

Table tennis can be divided into straight, horizontal, straight doubles, straight singles and straight mixed doubles.

Britain put forward:

Equestrian should be divided into black horse equestrian, white horse equestrian, red horse equestrian, brown horse equestrian, real horse equestrian and zebra equestrian.

Kenya proposes:

Long-distance running should be divided into 10000m, 1 1000m, 12000m and 13000m. . .

Japan proposes:

All mixed-sex events should add 3p, 4p, 5p, 6p and 7p. . . Group p. . 500 pence.

Thailand proposes:

In addition to the men's and women's events, we must add the shemale group.

South Korea proposes:

If you add another gold medal in the future, you should also send one to South Korea, because these athletes who won the gold medal are all Korean, or

Ancestors are descendants of Koreans.