A complete joke book before the operation

A patient came to see a psychiatrist. ....

Doctor ... what should I do? .....

I always thought I was a bird. ........

Doctor: Oh ... that's serious. .......

When did it start? ........

Patient: Because I am a bird. ...

(2)

There is an old lady in a mental hospital. .....

Wearing black clothes every day ... holding a black umbrella. .....

Squatting at the gate of a mental hospital .....

The doctor thought ...

To cure her, you must start by getting to know her. .....

So ... the doctor also wears black clothes ... and holds a black umbrella. .....

Squatting there with her ....

The two spent a month in silence. .....

The old lady finally spoke to the doctor:

Excuse me-

Are you a mushroom, too

(3)

Patients in psychiatric departments in hospitals usually have a worship complex for doctors or nurses.

One day, a female patient came to see a male doctor. ...

Female patient: Dr. Lan, do you love me?

Dr. Lan pondered for a long time (in order not to hurt the patient and avoid the deterioration of his condition)

Dr. Lan: We have a doctor-patient relationship. Because you are ill, I must take good care of you. ...

In order not to hurt the patient, Dr. Lan explained for a long time and finally finished. )

Female patient: Dr. Lan, you mean you don't love me anymore?

Dr. Lan (brooding): Hmm … hmm … hmm …

Female patient: Nothing … I love Dr. Chen …

(4)

There is a mental hospital where two mental patients can be discharged, but the dean is afraid that they will commit another crime, so he warns them: "Whoever commits another crime, the other one will call the hospital, or you will not be discharged!"

They all agreed.

One day, the hospital suddenly called, "Hello! Hey! Hey! My companion suddenly ran to the table and said he was a desk lamp! "

"Used to be! Then why don't you send him back quickly! "

"But if I send him back, there will be no desk lamp!"

"。 . . . . 。"

(5)

The doctor in the mental hospital wants to talk to a mental patient who is about to leave the hospital to confirm whether the patient has fully recovered.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?

Patient: smash all the windows in your hospital with stones.

When the doctor heard this, he found that the patient had not fully recovered, so he decided to continue the treatment. A few months later, the doctor felt that the patient seemed ready to leave the hospital and decided to talk to him again.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?

Patient: Get a job.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Making money.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Save money.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Marry a wife.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: The bridal chamber.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her clothes.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her pants.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her underwear.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take out the rubber band in your underwear, make a slingshot and find some stones to smash all the windows in your hospital.

(6)

Mental patient A stole the phone book from the nurse's office and went back to the ward. Ask B, "What do you think of the novel I recently finished?" ?

B looked at it and replied, "Not bad. However, there are just a few more roles. "

Then the nurse in the mental hospital came in and said, "You put the phone book back for me!" " "

(7)

When a mental hospital heard that the leader was coming to the hospital to inspect the situation, the dean called the patients in the hospital for a meeting. At the meeting, the dean said, "This afternoon, a very important leader is coming to visit, and everyone is going to meet him at the door. When welcoming, all the patients stood on both sides of the hospital gate, standing neatly. When I cough, everyone applauds together, the warmer the better; When I stamp my foot, I must stop completely. I can't make mistakes. If everyone is ready, we can give you meat buns tonight. As long as one person screws up, no one will eat steamed buns, remember? " The patients in the audience shouted together: "Remember!"

This afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the gate, the welcoming patient was already standing at the door. At this time, with the dean's cough, all the patients applauded together, and the atmosphere was very warm. Infected by the warm atmosphere, the visiting leaders smiled and applauded with everyone and entered the hospital. Seeing that the leader had entered the hospital, the dean stamped his foot and the applause stopped completely, very neatly. Only this leader is still smiling and clapping, and the dean is very satisfied.

Suddenly, a patient as strong as Schwarzenegger jumped out of the welcome crowd, strode to the leader, gave him a big slap in the face and shouted angrily, "You don't want to eat steamed bread?" ! ! ! "

In a mental hospital, a doctor is testing three patients.

He asked the first patient, "How much is 3 times 3?"

The first patient calculated for a while and said, "274!" " "

The doctor said, "No."

So I asked the second patient, and the second patient said, "It's equal to Tuesday!" " "

"Is equal to Tuesday? ! "The doctor was surprised. So he asked the third patient.

The third patient said without hesitation, "It's equal to 9!"

"Hey ~ smart!" The doctor praised, "Then how did you work it out?"

The patient said, "It's very simple. Divide by 274 and take Tuesday!" "

Doctor: ...

The second joke (it should be an old joke):

A mental patient is writing a letter. The doctor saw it and asked, "What are you doing?"

Patient: "Can't you see I'm writing a letter? ! "

Doctor: "Who are you writing to?"

Patient: "Write it to myself!"

Doctor: "Then what do you write?"

Patient: "You are mentally ill. I haven't received it. How do I know what to write? " ? ! "

Doctor: ...

taste

The psychiatrist asked the young woman who was seeking treatment for the first time:

"You said you came to me because your taste in socks worried your family?"

"Yes," whispered the patient, "I like wool socks."

"This is not unusual at all." The doctor said, "Many people prefer wool.

Socks, I am like this myself. "

"Really?" The patient shouted happily, "Do you prefer steamed or fried?"

chronic and stubborn disease

After several months of treatment, the doctor said that his illness was finally cured. The psychiatrist asked him

Promise: "You will never feel like Adam again."

"Great," the patient said with a big smile. "I want to write to Eve.

Tell her the good news! "

Persistent disease

A man suffers from obsessive-compulsive baseball, and a psychologist is treating him.

"Things are so bad that I can't sleep at all. As soon as I closed my eyes, I saw that I had become

Pitchers, or running all over the base, so getting up is more tiring than sleeping. How can I?

How? "said the patient.

"Why don't you try to fantasize about hugging a beautiful girl?" The doctor said.

"Are you crazy? Then how do I hit the ball? "

Such an effect

"I heard that you are looking for a psychological doctor. Do you think it will help you? "

"Of course. A few weeks ago, the phone rang and I was afraid to answer it. But now, is the phone ringing?

If the phone rings, I'll answer it. "

Emergency oboro?

A psychiatrist received a crazy phone call in the middle of the night and was one of his victims.

It's a crazy thief. "Doctor, you must help me," he pleaded. "My.

The old habit of having to steal is broken again. "

"Oh, for God's sake," the psychiatrist replied, "stealing two cigarettes on the spot.

Grey jar, call me in the morning. "

God and the Pope

A rich man donated a large sum of money to a mental hospital. He is visiting.

At that time, a psychopath shouted at him: "I am the Pope!" " "

The rich man frowned and said, "Who said that?"

The patient said confidently, "God said!"

At this moment, I saw another patient jump out and say loudly, "No, I didn't say that."

Anyway, this guy thinks he's the Pope. "

unusual

A mentally handicapped person walks upside down in the hospital.

The doctor said, "Jack, stand up straight and go. How tired it is to walk like this! " "

He turned a deaf ear and went his own way.

The doctor asked again, "Why did you make such a strange move?"

As he walked backwards, he said, "I went this way to look different from other patients."

Sample, no longer let people treat me as a mental patient. "

A muddled account

The new dean of the madhouse walked up to a patient and asked him why he was in the madhouse.

"Doctor, it is like this. I married a widow with an adult daughter. My father got married.

Her daughter is a wife, so my wife became her father-in-law's mother-in-law, and her daughter became my stepfather.

Daughter and stepmother. My stepmother gave birth to a son, who became my brother and my wife's wife.

On Sunday, I also had a son who became his grandfather's brother-in-law and his uncle's uncle.

Father. On the other hand, my father mentioned his grandson as his brother-in-law and my son.

Zi called his sister grandmother. I think I am now my mother's father and my grandson's brother.

Brother, my wife is the daughter of her son-in-law and the sister of her grandson. Now I don't know if I am.

My grandfather, my brother's father, and my son's nephew, because my son is

Dean, my father's brother-in-law, that's why I'm here. I think it is better here than here.

The family is calm. "

Similar appearance

The patient in the mental hospital said to the new doctor, "doctor, we all like you very much."

I think you are much better than that old doctor. "

Doctor: "Thank you, why?"

Patient: "You look just like us."

How to do this?

Someone visited the madhouse and saw a madman hanging himself on the beam and said, "Ha!" "

Ha "gave a strange laugh, and then asked another madman," Why did he do that? ""

"He thinks he is a chandelier."

"Well, your hospital is really irresponsible. Why not remind him to come down? "

"That is how, if he came down, there is no chandelier, it can't be dark around.

have you finished? "

Not this trademark.

A mental patient has been saying for years that he has a beer bottle in his stomach. The doctor charged him one hundred dollars.

Explain that this is an illusion, but he always refuses to listen.

This time, when he had to go to the hospital for surgery because of appendicitis, surgeons and psychiatrists

Health consultation, take this opportunity to eliminate his strange fantasy.

The operation went well. When the patient woke up slowly, the doctor held up a bottle of beer.

The bottle said, "We finally took it out."

"You understand it wrong," the patient screamed. "This is not a beer bottle in my belly.

Trademark. "

In a mental hospital

An official of the Ministry of Health, accompanied by the dean, visited a mental hospital.

Tell him that some patients here are dangerous but well managed.

At the end of the visit, a woman walked through the corridor outside the ward.

Let's go The official noticed a fierce light in her eyes, so he quickly stepped aside. Fortunately,

The woman just stared at the dean and passed. Nothing happened.

When she left, the official turned to criticize the dean: "It seems that your management here.

Management needs to be strengthened. "

The dean kept nodding.

Afterwards, someone told the official that the woman was not a mental patient here.

But the dean's wife.

I used to be like this.

Hitler came to a mental hospital for examination. He asked a patient, "Do you know?"

Who am I? "The patient shook his head. So Hitler announced loudly: "I am Adolf Hitt. "

Le, your leader. My strength can be compared with God! "

The patients smiled and looked at him sympathetically. One of them patted Hitler on the shoulder.

He said, "Yes, yes, we were just like you when we started to get sick!" " "

sing

One day, the director of psychiatry came to a ward and saw a patient lying on the ground dancing. He asked, "What are you doing?"

"Sing!"

in ten minutes

The patient suddenly stopped, turned around and fell to the ground.

"What's the matter with you?"

"After the tape sings side A, it's time to turn to side B! ! "

novel

In a mental hospital, two people are talking, "Where's my novel?" "Yes, there are too many people."

At this point, the nurse shouted at them, "hey, you two put the phone book back quickly!" " "

write a letter

In a mental hospital, a patient is writing a letter. When the nurse saw it, she asked him curiously.

Nurse: Who are you going to write to?

Patient: Write it to myself.

Nurse: Then what do you write?

Patient: You are mentally ill! I haven't received it. How do I know?

Questions and answers

One day, the dean wanted to choose a person from each floor as the head of the building, so he came to each floor to ask questions.

The first floor: "The outside skin is red and the inside is hard."

"Apple!"

"Well, you are the director on the first floor!"

The second floor: "The skin and pulp outside are yellow, and monkeys like to eat them."

"Bananas!"

"Well, you are the director on the second floor!" "

......

The fifth floor: "the shell is green, the inside is red, and it is black after eating." What is it? "

What did you say?/Sorry?