Joke whoosh

On the bus, an ugly woman accidentally stepped on a man's foot. The man is furious: try stepping on it again and I'll show you! The ugly girl was overjoyed and quickly stepped on her foot and said, Great, big brother, now you don't have to spend money on plastic surgery.

2. In class, the teacher asked the students to write a composition entitled-If I were a manager. The students gradually began to write, except for a boy who leaned back proudly, crossing his legs and cutting his nails. The teacher came over and asked him, "Why don't you write?" The student said indifferently, "Wait for the secretary!"

3. Once my father and I watched Pearl Harbor, the American ship sank and many soldiers in the sea were floundering. I felt strange and asked my dad, "Dad, why can't the navy swim?" My father gave me a look and said, "Have you ever seen the Air Force flying in the sky?

4. My son was sleeping, and suddenly he touched my chest and said, little bitch, I'm back. Instantly petrified, three black lines hung from the top of the head to the foot. Tell my husband quietly: don't watch those messy TVs. My husband said with laughter, what? That's the line of Big Big Wolf in Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf: Lambs, I'm back!

When I was in high school, I ate breakfast at the same table, took the last bite and gagged. In fact, the sharp-eyed teacher has long been eyeing him. Let him answer the question as soon as he finishes filling it out. Big brother is full of mouth! I can't chew it. Just standing in front of the whole class, I ate that bite with a ferocious face. The teacher asked him to sit down after eating. Teacher, this move is too cruel ~ ~

6. Today, a clever young woman took her 8-year-old son Zheng Tai to the orchard to buy cherries. The young woman tasted a cherry and said, "What kind of cherry is this? It doesn't taste like fart! " Before I knew it, her son said, "It's not like spending money to fart, of course it doesn't smell like fart!"

7. One day, my boyfriend was sitting on the train to new york, and he was the only one in the carriage. Suddenly, a big man rushed in from the back of the car, put a knife on Larry's neck and threatened: Want money or die? My boyfriend was shaking with fear and replied, I ... I don't have any money with me. Then why are you shaking? The big fellow thundered. I ... I thought you were the ticket inspector!

8. A male customer is eating in a restaurant. The boss gave him a surprise when he finished eating and asked for the bill. "3000 yuan is too expensive!" He said, "You should give a discount to your peers, right?" The boss said, "So you also run a restaurant?" . He said, "No, I robbed the money."

I just bought a can of Chili sauce. Say to the monitor: What do you think this is? The monitor replied, michel platini, I: Hey, my dear son. Monitor: ... After a while, the monitor took this Chili sauce to the dormitory next door. Q: What is this? A jun: I don't know. Wow, what's this? Monitor: michel platini. A Jun: Hey, good boy. . .

10, my buddy got her call again. It is cloudy. My buddy is thinking about the beauty of his first love. He hesitated for a long time and answered the phone: "Hello …", thinking that she would say something, but there was only silence on the other end of the phone. "Are you all right?" He asked. Still no answer, he said crazily, "Do you know how much I miss you!" " "A distant and familiar voice finally came from the other end of the phone:" Baby, don't play with mom's phone, be good ... "

1 1. A cyclist ran a red light and a heavy truck suddenly stopped beside him. The cyclist shouted to the truck driver, "Don't kill yourself!" The truck driver was so stunned that he couldn't say a word …

12, girlfriend: what a fool! Your watch was robbed. Why didn't you shout for help? Me: If I open my mouth and call for help, they will find that I still have four gold teeth, which will be even worse.

13. The old man who baked eggs at the door yesterday accidentally knocked over the stove. I quickly helped to pick it up, and a kind elder sister also helped to pick it up. Suddenly, a private car came from behind and immediately crushed the dried eggs on the ground. Big sister shouted, oh, my god! ! ! Uncle's egg, uncle's egg. I only heard a click and killed two people. Elder sister said, fortunately, the pressure was not great, so I made two balls, ..............................................................................................................................................!

14. This afternoon, the dean caught the class because of puppy love, and informed the parents that his father was coming. The teacher asked, "Are you XXX's brother?" His father smiled and said, "I'm his father." The teacher said, "I can't tell, so young." "Just be a father," his father said. Hey! What a big deal! His mother and I gave birth to him in the third year. "

15, a company recruited employees, and hundreds of college students rushed to introduce themselves: "I am from Peking University." "I am from Jiaotong University." "I am from Zhejiang University." "I'm Tsinghua." Suddenly a girl shouted, "I'm Boda!" " The chairman struck the table and said, "It's your turn. Come to my office and talk. " As soon as she entered the office, the girl showed the certificate of Ningbo University to the chairman. . . .

16, the Chinese teacher said that if you love someone, you don't buy water for others after class, don't send messages, and don't go out to sing, chat and eat at weekends, but you are an excellent person. There may be others who love her in the future. All you have to do is compare others. You should be excellent, better than others. Believe that the future is not only unknown, but love can also change reality. I feel weak in an instant.

17 One day, a drunk walked out of Portman Hotel, got into her boyfriend's taxi and said to her boyfriend Portman. I fell asleep. Boyfriend froze, so he woke up the drunk and said, you are in Portman now. After listening, the drunk handed the money to his boyfriend and said, keep the change. Before getting off the bus, he said to the driver with concern: Don't drive too fast in the future, it's dangerous.

18, advance the final exam. Although the teacher who came to supervise the field was a classroom teacher, he didn't know the students. Something wonderful has happened. There is a classmate in the class who is very stuffy and sits in the last row. He wears a suit during the exam, just like a teacher. Ten minutes after the exam, he didn't do anything. Seeing how there was a teacher behind the invigilator, he went to the office and asked the department secretary what was going on. When he came back, the students had almost finished copying.

19. When my husband was bored in the car, he sent a text message to joke with his wife: "Little girl, give me a smile!" After a while, my wife replied, "Please respect yourself, my little girl!" "

20. A man is outside the delivery room, anxiously waiting for his wife to give birth. After a long time, a female nurse came out with a stroller with three babies in it. The man ran over to look at the three babies carefully and said solemnly to the nurse, "I want the one in the middle." ......

2 1. After the husband cheated, the wife found out! The wife said sadly to her husband, "Why did you betray me? Am I inferior to that fox? " The husband said earnestly: "There is no husband and wife who can't live without it, only a mistress who doesn't work hard."

22. The wife went out to collect debts and returned empty-handed a few months later. Husband scolds: "You are really incompetent!" The wife said disapprovingly, "although I didn't get the money, the boss's child was taken hostage by me!" " The husband was overjoyed and asked, "Where are you?" The wife patted her belly and said, "It's locked in! "

At the party, a beautiful woman hung a small plane ornament on her chest. When the man saw it, he was greatly appreciated and stared at the beautiful woman! A little embarrassed to see the beautiful woman, she asked him, "Do you think my little plane looks good?" The man praised, "The small plane is really beautiful, but the airport is more beautiful." ......

24. My mother took two daughters and grandmother by plane and unfortunately fell into the sea. The four of them were lucky enough to float to an island. On the island, I found a group of strong men on the island! At this moment, a strong man forcibly took his mother away! The youngest daughter hugged his leg and said, "Don't take my mother!" " "The strong man kicked her away and said," What do children know! "At this moment, another strong man came to take my sister away, and the little girl hugged his leg and said," Don't take my sister away! ""The strong man kicked her away and said, "What do children know!" At this moment, another strong man came and the little girl was about to rush over. Grandma kicked the little girl away and said, "What do children know!" "

25. The wolf knocked at the door and said, "Little Rabbit, open the door!" " Hearing this, Little Rabbit quickly opened the door: "Coming!" " Mother rabbit shouted to Little Rabbit, "Don't drive! It's a wolf! " The wolf sighed at the door: "Hey, it's easier to cheat girls than women!" " "

26. A boy has three balls, but he doesn't know if he is normal! Because he was embarrassed to ask his classmates, he decided to ask his brother. At dinner the next morning, he asked his brother, "Brother, would it be strange if we had five balls together?" His brother was shocked and asked him, "huh?" Four? ! "

27. A group of young people are chatting and guessing riddles in a bar. Someone asked, "Ten men peeked at five women taking a bath and made an idiom." In fact, many people know this idiom, which is rich and colorful. But a MM pondered for a long time, and suddenly her eyes lit up and she asked shyly, "Is it both?" (This MM's thought is evil! )

28. The beautiful woman was making out with a man in the room when suddenly she heard the footsteps of her husband coming back. In desperation, the beauty quickly opened the window in the room and said to the man, "Quick, quick, jump out from here!" " ! "The man looked out of the window and shouted in a hoarse voice," This is 14 floor! " The beauty was furious and said, "Jump! What superstition is there at this time! " (It seems that 14 floor jump is not a superstitious problem, but a life problem. )

29. A beautiful woman participated in a dating activity and filled in her personal information as required. After returning to the dormitory, the beauty complained: "Oh, I wrote the occupation and the zodiac backwards!" " "A friend comforted him:" What's the big deal? Most people can understand. " The beauty said with a little tears: "The key is that I am a chicken! ! "

30. The man has a crush on a female colleague of the company. But his female colleagues disagree with him. The man got up the courage to send a message to his female colleague: "Are you free tonight?" After receiving the text message, the female colleague replied warily: "What do you want?" After a while, the female colleague received a short message from the man: "Yes!" If you look carefully, you will know where the joke is. )