A witty short story

1. Diet

If you don't give me extra points, I'll take this place away. Mrs. Tan is worried about her weight. I'm too fat, she told her friend. I want to be much thinner, but I don't know how to do it. "Go and see Dr. Wei," said her friend. "He will tell you how to lose weight." Therefore, Mrs. Tan went to visit Dr. Wei and told him her problem. "What's the difficulty?" He told her, "All you need to do is go on a diet." I will give you a diet. He began to write on a piece of paper. "Eat more fruits and vegetables, as well as lean meat and grains. After that, he handed her a piece of paper. " "Here you are," he said. After eating these things, you will soon lose weight. A few weeks later, Mrs. Tan's friends came to see her. Her friend was surprised to find that she was fatter than before! She is eating a huge chocolate cake and ice cream. ""I thought you were on a diet, "said her friend. Oh, yes. "She replied," I have put all the food on a diet now. Now, I'm having dinner. "

2. School holidays

Tom hates going to school and always makes excuses not to go to school. If he sneezes, he asks his mother to write a note saying that he has a cold. If he has a headache, he asks his mother to take him to the doctor during class. He spends more time at home than at school. On the days when he did go to school, he made an excuse to go home early. One morning, he came back from school in the middle of class. His father was surprised. "You came back early," his father asked. "Is school over today?" "No, Dad," said Tom, "the school is not over yet. I came back early. " "Why did you come back early?" Dad asked, "What did you say to the teacher?" "I told her that I had a little brother and I had to go home and help you." "But your mother gave birth to twins," my father said. "A boy and a girl. You have a little brother and a little sister. " "Yes, I know, Dad," said Tom. "I'll wait until next week. I have a little sister."

3. Love letter

Jenny Gordon is a kind and beautiful woman. Many men liked her before she got married. Many of them write to Jenny, telling her how perfect she is, how much they love her, and hoping that she can marry them. Jenny keeps all the letters. She tied the letters with a red ribbon and put them in an old box. She has never read them because her marriage is very happy, but these letters are part of Jenny's life, so she doesn't want to throw them away. Jenny has a daughter, Sue. Sue is six years old. One day, Jenny had to leave Sue for half an hour. "Be a good girl," she said. "Play quietly by yourself. If you need anything, go to the lady next door. " When Jenny came home, she asked Sue, "Have you always been a good girl?" "Oh, of course, Mom," Sue answered. "What did you do when I went out?" Jenny asked her. "I pretended to be a postman," she told Jenny. "How did you pretend to be a postman? Dear? " She asked. "You don't even have a letter." "Yes, I have, Mom," said Sue. "I found some in an old box upstairs. They were tied by a red ribbon. I put a letter in every mailbox on the street. Am I not a good girl? "

4. Quick service, quick service

A man took a pair of shoes to a shoe store and said to the shoemaker, "Please help me repair these shoes." "Certainly, sir," said the shoemaker. "When will it be repaired?" The man asked. "I'm a little busy, but I'll have my shoes repaired by Thursday." He said. "OK," the man said, and left the shop. The next morning, he received a letter offering him a job abroad. Within 24 hours, he boarded the plane to accept a new job. Twenty years later, he returned to his hometown. He remembers those shoes. "That's a good pair of shoes," he thought. "I wonder if the shoemaker is still there and if he still has those shoes. I'm going to have a look. " He is glad to see that the shoemaker is still in that shop, even though he is very old. "Good morning," he said to the shoemaker. "Twenty years ago, I brought a pair of shoes to be repaired. Do you remember those shoes? " "Name?" Asked the old shoemaker. "Smith," the man replied. "I'll go and see. Maybe in the back. " The shoemaker went back to the back of the shop and came back a few minutes later with shoes in his hand. "They are here," he said. "A pair of brown shoes needs repairing. I'm a little busy, but I can have my shoes repaired by Thursday. "

5. Umbrella thief

One day, Jack's wife was cleaning the closet. "Look at these umbrellas," Jack's wife said to him. "There are eight umbrellas here. They are all broken." "I'll take them to the umbrella shop to have them repaired," said Jack. "They are still so new. What a pity to throw them away. " Jack took eight umbrellas to the umbrella shop and left them there. "It will be repaired tomorrow," said the clerk. In the evening, he goes home from the office by bus as usual. He sat next to an old woman. There is an umbrella beside her. When the bus arrived, he took her umbrella and stood up. "hey!" The woman said. "That's my umbrella." "I'm very sorry," said Jack, handing her the umbrella. "I didn't think much. Please forgive me. " The next day, he got an umbrella from the umbrella shop and got on the bus. When he sat down, a voice behind him said, "You are very successful today!" " "He turned around and saw the woman with an umbrella yesterday.

6. Fishing can be dangerous. Fishing is very dangerous.

Old Peter likes fishing. When he is free, he will drive to the countryside, find a good fishing spot and spend hours fishing. The problem is that most good fishing sites are private land, so when the owner of the land comes, Peter often picks up his fishing rod from the water and runs away. One day, he was sitting by a small river next to a wealthy businessman's property, sleepy. He was awakened by a voice: "You'll never catch fish with this bait." Peter looked up and saw a man standing behind him. "What do you mean?" Peter said, "There is nothing wrong with this bait. I always use this. " I caught 30 fish with it. ""that's interesting. " The man said, do you know who I am? "Peter shook his head." I am the owner of this land. "Peter thought for a moment." Do you know who I am? "he asked. "The man shook his head. I am the best liar in this manor. Peter said to him. At the same time, he picked up the fishing line from the water and ran away quickly.

7. Earthquake earthquake

Johnny and his parents live in a small town on a hill. One day, an earthquake happened near the town. Many houses were damaged. Everyone thinks that there may be another earthquake soon. They are worried that the second earthquake will be more serious than the first one. "We must send Johnny to a safe place," Johnny's mother said to her husband. "Many of our friends send their children to relatives in other towns." "I will send him to my brother Peter's house." Johnny's father said. "He lives far away from here. Johnny will be safe there. " He called Johnny's uncle Peter and asked him if he could let Johnny live with him for a while. "He is a good boy," he said. "He won't cause you any trouble." "Well," said Johnny's uncle Peter, "but I'm not used to living with children. I need a quiet environment. " "You didn't know Johnny was in this house," his father said to Peter. So five-year-old Johnny went to live with his uncle. Two days later, his parents received a telegram from Peter. It says, "I'll give you your child back. Please give me the earthquake. "

8. Family secrets Family secrets

Arnold Wu is a proud man. "I'm sure my family is one of the oldest in this city," he often tells People. "It has a long history." One day, he went to visit a family history expert, Miss Li. "I hope you know everything about my family," he said. "Where did we come from? Who was the first person surnamed Wu? Is there anyone very famous in our family? Do I have any rich relatives? " "All right," said Miss Li, "but it will cost you 2000 dollars." Arnold thought about it. Two thousand dollars is a lot of money.

Finally, he said, "OK, but after paying this 2000 yuan, I want a complete family history. I need all the details. " The experts agreed. "Come here in three months," she said. Three months later, he visited Ms. Li again. "Well," he said, "have you found everything about my family?" "yes." She said. "This is an interesting family, so now the price has risen to $5,000." "5000 yuan!" Arnold shouted, "but you told me it only cost $2,000." "I know, $2,000 is to know your family history," she said. "The other 3000 yuan is to keep what I found confidential!"

9. Nothing is boring

Simon went to school for the first time two days after his fifth birthday. His mother bought him new clothes and a bag for pens and books. The school is far from home. Simon's mother sent him to school in the morning and left him at the school gate. "cheer up, Simon," she said. "obedient. The teacher will tell me if you don't behave well. " Then she left Simon and went home. At half past three, she came to the school to take Simon home. She and many parents are waiting outside the door. Soon Simon came out and ran to her as fast as he could. "How was your first day at school?" She asked him. He shook his head. "No," he said. "I will never come back." His mother was surprised. "Is there anything wrong?" She asked Simon. "Is someone being unkind to you?" "No." He replied. "Are you being perfunctory?" She asked him. "Why don't you want to go to school again?" "No," he replied. "Tell me why." His mother said. "Well, I can't read, write, spell or do math problems, and the teacher won't let me talk. I don't know anything, so what's the point of going to school? "

10. Long life

A man is selling medicine in the market. At first, he sold a bottle of medicine for treating colds, which cost only one dollar. Many people want to buy this medicine, so this man's assistant moves around the crowd quickly to collect money, and then hands people the medicine for treating a cold. When many people gathered in front of him, he held up a small bottle. "Now, ladies and gentlemen," he shouted, "this is the medicine you have been waiting for. The elixir of life, as long as you drink a bottle, you can live in this world forever. " "And, ladies and gentlemen," the man continued, "I don't want you to spend $65,438+000 on this bottle of medicine, $50 on this bottle of medicine and $25 on this bottle of medicine. Ladies and gentlemen, you only need to spend $65,438+00 on this bottle of medicine. Think about it, friends, 10 dollars can live in this world forever. " Most people don't believe what he said. A man shouted, "If it can make us live in the world forever, why don't you drink it?" Another man shouted, "Yes, you look at least 60 years old." "Thank you, sir, thank you," the man replied. "I'm glad you can say so. My real age is 329. " People laughed, but few people wanted to believe what he said. One of them asked his assistant, "Is he really 329 years old?" "Don't ask me," said the assistant. "I only worked for him 150 years.

1 1. Bank robber.

A bank was robbed by an armed robber. He walked into the bank and went to the cashier. He pointed a gun at the cashier and said, "Give me all the money, or I'll shoot." The cashier was very scared, so she did as the robber said. After a while, the police came and asked the cashier if he could tell them something about the robbers. "He has a sock on his face," said the bank teller. "I'm too scared to tell what he looks like." A week later, the bank was robbed again. "I'm sure they are the same person," said the bank teller. "I didn't see his face because he had a sock on his head, but his voice was the same." Another week later, the bank was robbed for the third time. "Is it the same person this time?" The policeman asked the bank teller. "Oh, yes, I'm sure it is," said the bank teller. "I didn't see his face because he still had a sock on his face, but his voice was the same." "You really didn't notice other characteristics of this person?" Asked the policeman. "A little bit is enough. Anything can help us find him. " The bank teller thought for a few minutes and said, "There is one thing." "What is it?" The policeman looked at her expectantly. "Every time he comes to rob us," said the cashier, "he dresses better than last time."

12. Big baby, big baby

"You should take good care of the children today," a woman said to her husband. "I'm not feeling well today." "So you must rest in bed, dear," said her husband. "I will take good care of our children." "Thank you. I need to be quiet today so that I can get better soon, "his wife told him." ""How about I buy you something? " Asked her husband. She was very happy and said, "This will help me get better faster. I'll give you a shopping list with things to buy. "She wrote a shopping list and gave it to him." "In the supermarket, you can buy anything on it," she said. You can put the baby in the shopping cart so that he won't run around. The man took the child to the supermarket and put him in the cart. Then he shuttled back and forth between the shelves, looking for what was on the shopping list. Everything was fine at first, but after a while the child began to cry. Then he started screaming. The crying is getting louder and louder! It's getting bigger! ! ""Keep quiet, George, "he said. Don't get too excited. Don't scream, George. Don't lose your manners, George. "A woman heard what he said. She walked up to him. "I think you are great," she said. "You are very patient with your little George. ""Madam, "said the man." I'm George. He is Edward. "

Up in the air.

Matt and his wife live in the country. Matt is very stingy and hates spending money. It's a sunny day in a nearby city. "To be fair, Yaguang," said his wife. We haven't made progress for a long time. Matt has been thinking about this problem for some time. He knew that he would spend money fairly. Finally, he said, "All right, but we won't buy anything." They went to the market, expecting to buy everything. Matt's wife wants to buy a lot of things, but he won't let her spend money. Then, in a nearby field, they saw a small plane. "Interesting flight!" The notice says "10 yuan 10 minutes". Matt has never been on an airplane. He wants to have an interesting flight. However, he doesn't want to pay his wife either. "I only have 10 yuan," he said. But my wife came to stay with me? The experimental tickets didn't sell much, so he said, "I'll bargain with you. If your wife doesn't scream or shout, she can fly for free." Matt agreed and got on a small plane with his wife. The pilot took off and got all kinds of things he made on the plane. For a moment, it was thrown upside down. When the plane landed, the pilot said, "Make sure none of your wife is perfect, and she can ride for free.". "Thank you," Matt said. It's not easy for her, you know, especially when she falls out.

14. Stand guard

Two businessmen, Karen and Ted, are sitting in a restaurant drinking tea. There is a bank opposite the restaurant, and a guard stands at the gate of the bank. Karen stood up and said, "I have to go. See you tomorrow." Ted said, "Okay. I will come again tomorrow. " Then Karen walked out of the restaurant, crossed the street and walked to the guard. After he said something to the guard, he ran as fast as he could. And the guard. How dare you insult me like this? "But Ryan continued to run, regardless of him. The guard couldn't catch up with Aaron, and Aaron soon disappeared from the guard's sight. The guard angrily returned to the bank door. The next day, Karen and Karen walked into the restaurant, and Rhett was already there. He sat next to Ted and ordered a cup of tea. Ted said, "Yesterday, I saw you walk up to the guard, talk to him, and then run like hell. The guard is very angry and runs after you. " Ted asked, "I'm going to rob a bank today. I wonder how fast he can run. "

I only know A2.