Army joke

Once, a customer came to us to deposit money, threw it in and said, miss, I'm saving my life. I replied, oh, how many teenagers will you die? The customer put up three fingers and answered, if you die short, you will die for three years.

A Hugh beauty 22:47: 16

One day, a man met God. ......

God suddenly kindly gave the man a wish. ......

God asked ......

Do you have any wishes? ......

The man thought about it. ......

I heard that cats have nine lives. ......

Then please give me nine lives. ......

God said, ......

Your wish has come true. ......

One day, the man was idle and bored. ......

If you want to say death, forget it. ......

There are nine lives anyway

Lying on the tracks. ......

As a result, a train passed by. ......

That man is still dead. ......

Why is this?

Because that train has 10 cars. ......

A Hugh beauty 22:48:20

Xiaoming lost a leg in a car accident.

Xiaoming lost another leg in a car accident.

Xiaoming lost his other leg in another car accident.

Xiaoming lost another leg in a car accident.

In fact, Xiaoming is a dog.

Yi xiu mei 22:52:22

The "ruler" said to "do": Sister, the results have come out. You are pregnant with twins.

A Hugh beauty 23:02: 15

A potholed man was crossing the road, but he was accidentally run over by a truck. When he died, he looked at his body and said, "I stuffed the bean paste, not the meat."

Yi xiu mei 23:03:29

The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: Shit, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

23:04:00

Perhaps because of the network, the news "The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle?" The company commander was greatly annoyed: Shit, what can I do? Step on the price compensation. "Send failed. resend

A Hugh beauty 23:04:55

One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by wolves. Wolves easily destroyed straw houses, wooden houses and brick houses. Three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but the wolf caught up with them. The three little pigs said in despair, it's up to you. We gave up. Whatever. At this moment, the wolf grinned and drooled and said, Then tell me where Little Red Riding Hood is.

Yixiumei 20 10- 1-2 23:03:29

The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: Shit, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

Yixiumei 23: 1 1:05

Two counterfeiters inadvertently made counterfeit banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan, and they decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they bought a 15 yuan candied haws with 0 yuan, they cried and the farmer gave them two 7-dollar ones.

Yixiumei 23: 13:38

I think I should go to lose weight. Last time I donated blood, I actually shed 100 ml of lard.

Yixiumei 23: 15:37

We should keep quiet when listening to the sermon in the church. It is impolite to disturb others' sleep.

Yixiumei 23: 16:22

I signed up for a weight-loss training class yesterday, and they asked me to wear loose clothes when training. How dare you? If there are still loose clothes, then why should I sign up?

Yixiumei 23: 17: 18

Thief A: Count how much money was robbed today? Thief B: No, just read the newspaper tomorrow.

A Hugh beauty 23:26:22

A man and a friend went to visit his grandmother. While he was talking to his grandmother, his friends began to eat peanuts on the coffee table and ate them all. When they left, his friend said to his grandmother, "Thank you for the peanuts." Grandma responded, "Oh! Hmm! Alas! Because all my teeth have fallen out, I can only suck out the chocolate. Old, cough. . .

Yixiumei 23:3 1: 15

A priest is playing golf and a nun is watching. The first shot missed. The priest scolded: "TMD, missed!" " Hit again, the priest scolded again: "TMD, missed again!" "The nun said," God will punish you for swearing as a priest. " As soon as the voice fell, I heard a thunder chop the nun to death. The priest wondered: Why am I the one who cursed? Why should I chop a nun to death? At this time, I only heard the voice of God from the sky: "TMD, I also missed!" " "

A Hugh beauty 23:33:4 1

The head coaches of China, Japan and South Korea went to heaven together and asked God when their respective football teams would win the World Cup. God said: Korea needs 50 years. The Korean coach burst into tears: I won't see you again. God also said: Japan needs 100 years. The Japanese coach burst into tears: I won't see you again. China Coach quickly asked, What about us? God burst into tears: I'll never see it again.

A Hugh beauty 23:37:04

Lele went to the zoo to feed the monkeys one day ... and threw peanuts to the monkeys ... but one monkey always put peanuts in his ass first ... and then took them out ... Lele felt sick and ran to ask the director ... why did the monkey behave so strangely? ... the director explained: because someone threw him a big peach last year ... as a result, the seeds of that big peach could not be discharged from his ass smoothly ... and he died miserably.

Yixiumei 23:4 1:45

Three people compete in marksmanship, and a black man holds something as a target.

The first man put an apple on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 10 meters, he raised his hand and shot it and broke it. He blew his gun and said, I'm Zorro!

The second man put a cherry on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 50 meters, he raised his hand and shot it and broke it. He blew the muzzle and said, I'm m007.

The third man put a sesame seed on the black man's head, then raised his hand at a distance of 100 meters and shot the black man in the head. He also blew the gun and said, I'm sorry.

A Hugh beauty 23:43:27

My wife spent a lot of money on plastic surgery and turned into a beautiful woman to go home in a few days! When he came in, he said to his puzzled husband, "What's the matter? Don't know me? " The husband paused, then said in surprise, "Come in quickly, my wife is not at home."

A Hugh beauty 23:44:02

A woman was walking at night when she suddenly saw a man coming towards her with open arms and hugging her. The man fell to the ground crying and said, this is the third piece. It is so difficult to bring a piece of glass home.

1. The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Oh, sorry, not that much."

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay.

The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

Boss: "Sorry, there is still no"

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay again.

On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

The boss said happily, "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today! ! "

The little white rabbit took out the money: "Great, I'll buy two!" " "

There is a little white rabbit running happily in the forest.

On the way, it met a giraffe that was rolling.

The white rabbit said to the giraffe, "Giraffe Giraffe, why did you do something that hurt yourself?"

Look at how beautiful this forest is. Let's run in nature together! "

The giraffe looked at the cigarette and the white rabbit and threw the cigarette behind her.

Running in the forest with rabbits.

Later, they met an elephant who was about to take cocaine.

The white rabbit said to the elephant, "elephant, elephant, why do you want to do something that hurts yourself?"

Look at how beautiful this forest is. Let's run in nature together! "

The elephant looked at the cocaine and the white rabbit and threw the cocaine behind him.

Running in the forest with rabbits and giraffes.

Later, they met a lion who was about to fight * * * *.

The white rabbit said to the lion, "Lion, lion, why do you want to do something that hurts yourself?"

Look at how beautiful this forest is. Let's run in nature together! "

The lion looked at the syringe and the white rabbit and threw the syringe behind him.

Rushed over and gave the white rabbit a good beating.

The elephant and giraffe trembled with fear: "why did you hit the white rabbit?"

It is so kind, cares about our health and makes us close to nature. "

The lion said angrily, "This bastard rabbit pulls me every time he brings * * * * *.

Running around the forest like an idiot. "

3. On the first day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river and went home without catching anything.

The next day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river again, but found nothing and went home.

On the third day, the little white rabbit just arrived at the river, and a big fish jumped out of the river and shouted at the little white rabbit:

If you dare to use carrots as bait again, I will kill you!

To test the strength of the United States, Hongkong and Chinese mainland, the United Nations put three rabbits in three forests.

See who finds the rabbit in three places first.

Before the first forest was the United States, they spent a whole half-day meeting to make a battle plan, and the division of labor was strict.

After that, special forces were sent to the forest for a carpet search. As a result, the meeting was delayed, the rabbit ran away and the task was completed.

defeat

Then it was Hong Kong's turn. They sent more than 100 people and dozens of police cars lined up outside the Woods, led by leaders.

Loudspeaker: "Rabbit, rabbit, you are surrounded, come out and surrender ..." Half a day passed, but nothing happened.

Flying Tigers went into the forest and searched again. No result, mission failed!

Finally, China * * *, only four, first played mahjong for a day, and at dusk, one person went into the forest with a baton, not five.

A few minutes later, I heard the screams of animals in the forest. China * * * came out smoking and talking and laughing.

There is a black and blue bear dragging behind him. The bear was dying and said, "Stop fighting, I'm a rabbit." .....

.."

5. The white rabbit was walking in the forest and met the wolf. He came forward and gave the white rabbit two big ear stickers.

Son, say, "I told you not to wear a hat." The little white rabbit left very grievance.

The next day, she skipped out of the house wearing a hat and met the wolf again. He came over and gave it again.

The little white rabbit has two big mouths and says, "I want you to wear a hat."

Tutu is depressed. After thinking for a long time, I finally decided to complain to the king of the forest, Tiger.

After explaining the situation, the tiger said, "OK, I see. I will handle this matter. Please believe it." . while

One day, the tiger found his partner, the wolf. "It is wrong for you to do so. This is very difficult for me. " say

After wiping the dust off the table, he said, "Do you think this will work? You can say, Tutu, come and find me a piece

Meat! She found the fat one, and you said you wanted the thin one. She found a thin one, and you said you wanted a fat one. So you can beat her?

Let's go Of course, you can also say that. Tutu, come and find me a woman. She found a plump, you said you.

I like slim ones. She found a slim one, and you said you liked the plump one. You can beat her. It is both reasonable and powerful. "big

The grey wolf nodded and clapped his hands, and the reverence for the tiger once again reached a new peak. Unexpectedly, the above guidance work was

The little white rabbit who is weeding the tiger's house outside the window heard it. I hate this in my heart.

The next day, the little white rabbit went out again. What a coincidence! It's the big bad wolf coming. The wolf said, "Tutu,

Come and find me a piece of meat. "Tu Tu said," So, do you want to be fat or thin? "The wolf listened.

After that, my heart sank and I was delighted. I said, it's a good thing there is a plan B, and he said, "Tutu, Mary, find me one."

Here comes the woman. "Tu Tu asked," So, do you like plump or slim? " The wolf was silent 2.

After a few seconds, I raised my hand and gave Tutu two big ear posts. "Shit, I told you not to wear a hat."

6. Bears and rabbits shit in the forest. After that, the bear asked the rabbit, "Have you lost your hair?" The rabbit said, "Don't drop it ~"

So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass.

7. A rabbit molested a wolf (this rabbit is very strong).

Then he ran away and the wolf chased him angrily.

The rabbit will catch up with the wolf when it sees it.

He sat under a tree,

Put on sunglasses and read the newspaper.

Pretend nothing happened,

Then the wolf came and saw the rabbit sitting under the tree.

Q: "Did you see a rabbit running past!"

The rabbit replied, "Did the rabbit tease the wolf?"

The wolf shouted, "No way! It's in the newspaper so soon! ! ! "

8. One day, a white rabbit came to a shop and asked the boss, "Boss, do you have any carrots?"

The boss shook his head: "No."

The little white rabbit ran away with a whoosh.

The next day, the little white rabbit came to the shop again and asked, "Boss, do you have any carrots?"

The boss shook his head angrily: "No."

The little white rabbit ran away with a whoosh.

On the third day, the white rabbit came to the shop again and asked, "Boss, do you have any carrots?"

The boss shouted angrily, "No, no! Ask me again and I'll pull out your tooth with pliers! "

The little white rabbit ran away with a whoosh.

The fourth day, the little white rabbit came to this shop again and asked timidly, "Boss, do you have pliers?"

The boss said, "No."

The white rabbit then asked, "Do you have any carrots?"

I don't know how many days later, a little black rabbit came to this shop and asked the boss, "boss, do you have any carrots?"

The boss shook his head angrily: "No."

The little black rabbit ran away after hearing it.

The next day, the little black rabbit came to the shop again and asked, "Boss, do you have any carrots?"

The boss was very angry: "No, no! Ask me again and I'll pull out your tooth with pliers! "

The little black rabbit ran away after hearing it.

On the third day, the little black rabbit came to the store again and asked timidly, "boss, do you have pliers?"

The boss said angrily, "No."

The little black rabbit then asked, "Do you have any carrots?"

The boss got angry, grabbed the little black rabbit, took out a small hammer and knocked out the little black rabbit's teeth.

The fourth day, the little black rabbit came to the store again and asked vaguely, "Boss, do you have carrot juice?"

9. The giraffe said, "Little Rabbit, I hope you know how good it is to have a long neck. Everything is delicious.

When I eat, I will slowly pass through my long neck. That delicious food can be enjoyed for a long time. "

The rabbit looked at him blankly.

"Also, in summer, rabbits, cold water slowly flows through my long neck, which is delicious. Have a long neck

Great! Rabbit, can you imagine? "

The rabbit said slowly, "Have you ever vomited?"

10. One day, a kangaroo was driving on a country road when he suddenly saw a small white rabbit on the road, whose ears and body were almost gone.

Everything on the ground seems to be listening to something. ...

So .. Kangaroo stopped the car and asked curiously, "What are you listening to, Little White Rabbit?"

"A big truck passed here half an hour ago ..."

"Wow .. so God! .. how do you know? .."

"He XX! That's how my neck and legs are broken .. "

1 1. The ant was walking in the forest and suddenly met an elephant. The ant burrowed into the soil and stretched out a leg.

The little white rabbit was curious and asked, What are you doing?

The ant whispered to it:

Shh ... don't make a sound, watch me trip. ...

12. One day, the rabbit was writing in front of a cave when a wolf came up and asked, "Rabbit, what are you writing?"

The rabbit replied, "I'm writing a paper."

The wolf asked again, "What topic?"

The rabbit replied, "I'm writing about how rabbits eat wolves."

The wolf laughed and said he didn't believe it.

The rabbit said, "Come with me." Then he took it into the cave and the rabbit continued to write in front of the cave. At this moment

Another fox came over and asked, "Rabbit, what are you writing?"

The rabbit replied, "I'm writing a paper."

The fox asked, "What topic?"

The rabbit replied, "How does the rabbit eat the fox?"

The fox laughed after hearing this, expressing disbelief.

The rabbit said, "Come with me." Then he took it into the cave. After a while, the rabbit came out alone again.

Cave went on writing his paper.

At this time, in the cave, a lion was sitting on a pile of bones and picking his teeth, while reading the rabbit's paper: 1

The ability of an animal depends not on its strength, but on who is its boss behind the scenes!

13. In a mental hospital, one day, the dean wanted to see how three mental patients were recovering, so he took care of each of them.

There is a white rabbit in front of people. The first mental patient sat on the white rabbit and grabbed its ear.

, mouth shouted "drive", the dean shook his head; The second man turned his back on the white rabbit and patted its ass and said

With the words "chase me", the dean sighed; The third crouched there, touching the white rabbit assiduously. After the dean saw it,

Nodding with satisfaction, I only heard him say, "demo, let you walk 300 meters, and I will chase you after washing the car!" " "courtyard

The dragon fell to the ground and fainted. ...

14. The white rabbit and the big bear are squatting under the tree to shit.

Bear said to the white rabbit, although you white rabbits are good-looking, you are in trouble! You'll know when it's dirty. That's disgusting.

Heart!

The little white rabbit said, look at what you said! Isn't it?

Bear said, yes! Bear said as he grabbed the white rabbit and wiped his ass and walked away.

15. The little white rabbit and the big bear were walking in the forest and accidentally kicked over a jar.

An elf came out of the pot and said that he could satisfy their three wishes.

The bear said, turn it into the strongest bear in the world. Its wish has come true.

The little white rabbit said, give it a small helmet. Its wish has also come true.

The bear said, turn it into the most beautiful bear in the world. Its wish has come true again.

The little white rabbit said, give it a bike. Its wish has come true again.

The bear said, turn all other bears in the world into bitches!

The little white rabbit got on the bike and said as he ran, turning the bear into * * * * * * ...

16. Three white rabbits picked a mushroom.

The two big ones let the small one get some wild vegetables to eat together.

The younger one said I wouldn't go. If I leave, you will eat my mushrooms.

The two older ones said no and went ~ ~ ~

Half a year has passed, and the white rabbit hasn't come back yet. The big one can't come back. Let's eat.

The other big one said wait ~ ~ ~

A year has passed and the white rabbit hasn't come back yet. Don't wait for us to eat.

Just then, the little white rabbit suddenly jumped out of the nearby jungle and said angrily, Look! I knew you would eat me.

mushroom

1. There is a male deer. He runs very fast. What did he become at last? (Expressway)

2. A steamed stuffed bun is walking in the street, and he is hungry. He bit himself and sighed loudly, "I was stuffed with bean paste." .

A giraffe is in front of the hotel room. Why didn't he go in? (because he doesn't have a key)

A cup of hot milk said to a cup of cold milk, "You are so cold."

5. Who has the longest leg, gold, wood, water, fire or earth? (fire, because of ham sausage)

6. A rabbit runs, squats, jumps and walks on one leg. Why? (because he likes it)

7. Four people are playing mahjong. Why did the police come and take five people? (because the person they are playing is "mahjong")

The salary is really going to rise.

I love the party more in my heart

It's time to reward the children

Dare to shout when you see your wife

Ganchang seafood goose web

I can go shopping in my spare time.

My heart itches when I meet a beautiful woman.

As a result, the price has gone up again.

Everything is fucking wasted.

People don't tell the truth

Saying that stocks are drugs, everyone is playing;

Say that money is the root of all evil, and everyone is fishing;

Say beauty is a disaster, everyone wants it;

It is said that the height is too cold and everyone is climbing;

If you say that alcohol and tobacco are harmful to your health, you won't quit;

Say heaven is the best, don't go!

In today's society, the poor eat meat, the rich eat shrimp, and leading cadres eat turtles;

Men want to be tall, women want to be thin,

Dogs wear clothes and people show their meat;

Before, I left my first time to my husband;

Now leave the first child to the husband;

In the country, chickens crow in the morning.

City people call chickens at night;

In the old society, actors sold art instead of sex.

Actors in the new society sell themselves, not performing arts.

1: Once upon a time, a man fished and caught a squid.

Squid begged him: let me go, don't bake me to eat.

The man said, well, let me ask you a few questions.

Squid is very happy to say: you take the exam!

Then the man roasted the squid. ..

2: I used to have schizophrenia, and now we have recovered.

An international student is taking a driver's license test in America, and the road sign ahead prompts him to turn left. He is not sure, ask the examiner:

"Turn left?"

A: "Yes"

So ... hang up. ..

4: One day, Mung Bean committed suicide, jumped down from the fifth floor, shed a lot of blood and became a red bean; It has been squeezed dry and turned into soybeans; The wound was scarred and finally turned into black beans.

Xiaoming cut his hair and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head is a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged and ran outside to cry. Crying and crying ~ he flew away ...

6: There is a man who looks like an onion, crying while walking.

7. Little Penguin asked Grandma one day, "Grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asks his father again, "Dad, Dad, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong? " "But, but why do I feel so cold?"

8: A pair of corn fell in love …

So they decided to get married …

On the wedding day ...

One corn can't find another corn …

This corn asks the popcorn next to it: Have you seen our corn?

Popcorn: Honey, I'm wearing a wedding dress.

9: In the music class, the teacher played a Beethoven tune.

Xiaoming asked Xiaohua, "Do you know music?"

Xiaohua: "Yes"

Xiaoming: "Do you know what the teacher is playing?"

Xiaohua: "Piano."

10: Q: Two people fell into a trap. The dead call the dead, but what is the living?

A: Call for help!

1 1: Question: What are cloth and paper afraid of?

A: cloth is afraid of 10 thousand, paper is afraid of one thousand.

Reason: not (cloth) afraid of 10 thousand, just (paper) afraid of one thousand.

12: One day there was a mother-in-law in the car …

Sitting halfway, my mother-in-law doesn't know the way.

My mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said, where is this?

Driver: This is my ass … ..

13: An egg went to a teahouse to drink tea, and turned into a tea egg; An egg went swimming in Songhua River, and it became a preserved egg. An egg went to Shandong and became a Lu (halogen) egg; An egg was homeless and turned into a wild egg; An egg accidentally fell on the road and fell to the ground, causing a missile; An egg ran into someone's yard and became an atomic bomb; An egg ran to the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau and became a hydrogen bomb. An egg got sick and turned into a bad egg; An egg got married and became an asshole; An egg swam in the river and became a nuclear bomb. An egg ran into the flowers and became Hua Dan; An egg is riding a horse with a knife. It turns out that he is a Beijing opera blues. An egg is female and ugly, and it turns into a dinosaur egg; An egg is a man, and his wife commits adultery with other eggs outside, and as a result, he becomes an illegitimate child; An egg ...

14: The host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle replied first: Yes! Compere: Give an example! The eagle burst into tears: that year, I fell asleep, the cat climbed the tree … and then there was the owl …

15: Two dung beetles are discussing the welfare lottery. A said: If I win the lottery, I will buy all the toilets within 50 miles of Fiona Fang and eat enough every day! B said: you are too vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day!

Why do chickens cross the street?

The answer gets to the other side.

What is that man doing?

He's shaking.

Why is he shaking?

He's cold.

A: Oh, shivering doesn't lead to cold drawing.

A: ...

18: A banana gentleman is dating his girlfriend and walking down the street. It was very hot, so Mr banana took off his clothes, and then his girlfriend fell down. ...

19: There is a sausage in the refrigerator.

I felt very cold, and then I looked at the other one next to me, and I felt a little comforted. I said, "Look at you, frozen like this, covered in ice!" " "As a result, the root of the tree said," Sorry, I'm a popsicle. "

Once upon a time, a cotton candy went to play with a ball for a long time. He said, I'm so tired, I think I'm weak. ...

2 1: This diver's movements are very difficult. He turns three times, then somersaults three and a half times, and then somersaults for a month.

22: mm got lost looking for a university. Meet a gentle professor.

Excuse me, how can I get to the university?

Professor: Only by studying hard can you go to college.

The director and the section chief share the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, You farted! The section chief said: I didn't let it go ... Soon the section chief was dismissed, and the director said at the meeting: You can't afford to fart. What's your use?

Miss: Business is bad now!

Boss: Why?

Miss: "Bird flu ..."

25: A woman trembled when she met a robber and said, "I am from XX school. I just graduated and haven't found a job yet. I really have no money ... "

The robber cried bitterly after hearing this. "Elder sister, I am also from XX school. You take the student ID card. Don't worry, Allah will never rob his own people! "