Jokes about Altman

Landlord, this is a series of jokes, I have seen:

(1) "Mom, Mom," the little monster asked, "When can I grow up?"

The monster mother who is cooking kindly asks, "why do you want to grow up?" Is it not good to be a good baby for a mother? "

"When I grow up, I can let Altman play." The little monster is looking forward to it

(2)

"Mom, mom." The little monster ran into the room excitedly. "I was admitted to ..."

The monster mother who was cooking greeted her in an apron: "What did you eat, son?"

The little monster's face was full of happiness: "I was admitted to the' stuntman', which was excellent."

"You are amazing, son." The monster mother said, "But what do stuntmen do?"

"Is to double the body to fight with Altman monster. Mom, every monster you see on TV in the future is me. "

(3)

"Oh, son, what are you doing? ! "The monster's mother came home from shopping and saw the little monster hanging upside down on the door frame with his tail tied by a rope.

She quickly put down the vegetable basket and ran to hold the little monster: "Don't you hurt?"

"It doesn't hurt." The little monster gnashed his teeth and turned purple: "Altman complained that my tail was too short when filming today, and it was difficult for him to pull me down." I'm going to lengthen it a little. "

(4)

The little monster came home crying.

The monster mother came out to see her son turned into a panda eye and his nose was bleeding.

"Who bullied you? Let's leave now. I went to see his parents. "

The little monster shook his head and opened his clenched hands. There was half a salted egg in each hand.

"Mom, Altman took it off and handed it to me when she took off her makeup. Let me apply my eyes. " The little monster wiped her tears on her mother's apron. "I was so moved that I cried all the way."

(5)

The monster mother complained, "The jacket you just put on is dirty and earthy."

The little monster stripped off his clothes and replied, "I took a photo with Altman today."

"Really?" Mother monster picked up her clothes and threw them into the basin. "Don't you have to wear clean clothes to take pictures?"

"A group of fans wanted to take some distinctive photos with Altman, so they called me over and let Altman step on them," the little monster smiled apologetically, "so the clothes were dirty. I'm sorry, mom. But the photo is beautiful and Altman is very proud. They promised to send me one. "

(6)

"Son, it's time to eat."

The little monster swallowed water, walked across the table and went back to his room.

The monster mother wondered, "I made your favorite braised pork." Why not eat? "

The little monster sat at the table playing with Altman's doll and said, "Today, the director said I grew up too fast. It turned out that Altman could throw me 5 meters, but now he can only throw me 3 meters. He said that if I go any further, he won't want me. "

(7)

"Son, if you have a leg injury, don't always move around. Be careful to fall down and go to bed. " Mother monster is chasing me.

The little monster, leaning on a crutch in one hand and holding a rag in the other, smiled and said, "Nothing, Mom, I'll clean the table."

"No stranger has been here ..." The monster mother said half, swallowed the other half and stole a look at her son's face.

The little monster carefully rubbed it: "What if someone comes?"

The monster mother sighed.

(8)

"Son, grandma next door said she likes Altman best and asked if you could sign his name?" Mother monster told the little monster.

"ok." The little monster nodded in agreement.

I got my signature photo back the next day.

On the third day, the monster mother asked her son awkwardly, "Xin Wei's mother knows and wants to sign Xin Wei's name, can she?"

"ok." Little monster nodded again.

Later, Tian Tian's father and Diandian's aunt came to see the monster mother one after another.

The monster mother had to say to her son, "Why don't you ask him to sign more at a time?"

The little monster bowed his head and hesitated for a long time, and whispered, "You can only sign one at a time."

Mother monster opened her mouth wide. "Why don't you ..."

"I can't say ..." The little monster blushed.

(9)

The little monster is looking in the mirror, and the short hair on his head is wet with water, and it is combed into partial points and middle points.

The monster mother walked by with breakfast and was stopped by him: "Mom, do I look good like this?"

Mother monster narrowed her eyes and looked up and down. "Good-looking, my son will look good at any time. How did you think of dressing up? "

"Altman praised me yesterday." The little monster continued to fiddle with his hair in the mirror.

"Oh, what did he say?"

"He said I looked like an adult." The little monster grinned at the mirror and showed a bright smile.

( 10)

The little monster went home with a sticky cake and a panda eye.

"Hey, didn't you go to celebrate Altman's birthday?" Mother monster is very strange.

"Yes. They told me to hide in a big cake and jump out to scare Altman when he blew out the candles. "

"That your eyes ..."

"Altman said he was constrained ... but then he pulled me up."

( 1 1)

On the rooftop, the summer wind is warm and gentle.

The little monster pushed down a board and whispered, "Oh, I'm going to eat you!" " ! ! "

Then he quickly dodged behind another board, squatted down and stretched out his arms, screaming softly: "Help, someone!" "

The next second, he jumped up, stepped back a few steps, took off with a run-up, and descended like a fairy: "Stop, I'm Altman ..."

The building trembled because of the vibration, and someone downstairs shouted angrily, "Who is it!" " "

The little monster spat out his tongue and rested his hands on her hips for a long time.

After a while, he continued his game. He hesitated for a moment, then squatted back behind the board and looked up at the stars. He seems to see the tall figure in front.

"Altman, you're here ..." The little monster said in a trembling voice like all the people that Altman saved on TV.

( 12)

"Son, I heard that you and Xin Wei went to the movies?"

"Yes, I took her to see the latest mobile Altman drama edition."

"Xin Wei's mother said that you had been telling her about Altman all night."

The little monster was silent.

The monster mother hesitated and said softly, "son, I know you like this job very much, but you can do something else after work." There are many interesting things. "

"ok, mom." The little monster agreed very much.

At the moment when the monster's mother closed the door, the little monster whispered, "But my heart won't go off work."

( 13)

The monster's mother caught a bad cold. The little monster made a fried soup breakfast for her mother and was late for work.

Mother monster blames herself very much and worries all day.

Finally, the little monster came home from work. Before she could ask, the little monster rushed in, shouted "Mom" excitedly, and showed her what was hidden behind him.

A bunch of red roses.

The monster mother was frightened.

The little monster's eyes sparkled. "Altman knew that you were ill. Not only did he not ask the director to deduct my salary, but he also took flowers for me to bring to you."

Mother monster silently took the rose, stroked it gently, and accidentally let the thorn prick her hand.

The little monster didn't notice and was still immersed in happiness: "Mom, it's the first time he has said so many words to me."

( 14)

In the street, two children fight over who is the good guy and who is the bad guy. When they saw the little monster passing by, they all turned into Altman, erected a cross and attacked him.

The little monster put his hand over his chest in harmony, staggered back and squeaked into a tree.

The child ran happily and cheered: "victory, victory."

The little monster smiled and waved, and was about to walk away. Suddenly, a car opposite quickly came towards them, honking its horn all the way.

The two children were so frightened that they stood in the middle of the road and didn't know how to hide.

At the critical moment, the little monster rushed over and grabbed a child in one hand.

The car slammed into the little monster's leg, and the driver opened the window in fear and cursed: "I won't kill you, I won't kill you ..."

The little monster moved his legs, kicked the car around, and then kicked it on the back ass, completely calming the driver down.

At this time, many neighbors gathered around, and the mother of two children picked them up from the little monster's arms with a pale face.

People gathered around the little monster and asked his name.

The little monster shyly lowered his head and tried to slip away.

Suddenly, a child cried, "I know his name."

The little monster looked at him in surprise.

"His name is Altman! ! "The child said loudly.

The little monster smiled He thinks this is the closest he has ever been to Altman.

( 15)

Xin Wei and the little monster are sitting on the steps eating ice cream.

Xin Wei said, "Do all your actors want to be directors?"

The little monster stuck out his tongue and licked it on the melting cone. He shook his head and said, "I want to be a screenwriter."

Xin Wei smiled: "It must be about monsters hitting Altman."

The little monster simply stuffed the whole cone into his mouth and sobbed and replied, "I want to write that Altman and the monster live happily together."

( 16)

"I finally became an actor." The little monster hugged his mother's arm excitedly. "The director said that they recruited body double, so I don't have to wrestle any more. Just pose a few times and there will be close-ups."

"Really?" The monster mother smiled. She really didn't want to see her son come back with a black face every day.

A few days later.

The monster's mother found the little monster lying glumly at the window.

"What is it, son?" The monster mother touched his head.

The little monster turned around, barely smiled and said nothing.

The monster mother didn't ask much, and turned to leave. The little monster couldn't help pulling his mother's apron and asked, "Mom, why do you think it's so hard for me to watch others fight with Altman?"

(XVII)

"Press, press, press quickly." A few people muttered.

"Mama of, I can't. Everyone stands aside, this is a gamble. " Someone scolded angrily.

"Well, I'll bet here. Isn't it ten dollars? I bet. " Xin EU grind.

The little monster put his hands together, closed his eyes and made a wish.

For a long time, I opened my eyes, took a deep breath and blew out all the candles.

Friends applauded, you look at me, I look at you, and finally, I poked Xin Wei.

Xin Wei coughed and asked the little monster who was busy cutting the cake, "Is your wish related to Altman?"

The little monster looked at her and nodded shyly.

"Coax ..." Everyone laughed.

"Xin Wei, you idiot, hahahaha."

( 18)

"Cheap, that's how the house was built." Altman picked up a brick and leaned against the wall.

The little monster followed closely and put the bricks in his hand on Altman's bricks.

"Yes, you are so smart." Altman's admiring smile.

The sun is shining and the grass is green.

Surrounded by flowers, a small house was slowly built in the hands of two people.

"Cheap, there should be three bedrooms in the house. We live in a room, your mother lives in a ... "

"Well, there's another one?"

"Give it to the director ..."

"Director? ! ! ! "

"Yes, because ..."

"Son, get up quickly, you will be late."

The monster mother awakened the little monster's dream.

While brushing his teeth, the little monster was still thinking: Why should it be left to the director?

Next time you dream, you must ask clearly.

(XIX)

"Mom, the new body double resigned." Said the little monster.

The monster mother looked at the bruises on her son's arms and body and felt very distressed. "The director wants you to be body double again?"

The little monster nodded. "Yes, but tomorrow."

"Then how did you get hurt today?"

"That body double suspected that the director gave less money, blocked the door all day, and wrote a lot of ugly words and posted them at the door of the studio."

"What happened later?"

"Later, I went to tear up those who scolded Altman."

"ah? And after that? "

"Later, that's it ... he has three brothers."

(20)

There is a program "If I were Altman" on TV.

"Let me introduce you to a special Altman", the host blinked a piece of manuscript paper in his hand. "I'll read it to you: if I were Altman, I wouldn't hit him immediately when I saw the monster. I will chat with him. Maybe the monster pushed him into the building because he wanted to play games. Maybe he chased the children because he was lonely. Perhaps the person he wants to see most is Altman. ...

"Ha ha ha ha ha", everyone on the set laughed with the host's strange accent. "It's silly."

Only the little monster didn't laugh. He hid behind the crowd and peeped at Altman's manner.

Altman's smile made him a little overwhelmed.

Two days later, the monster mother received a very big motorized Altman toy from the program "If I were a motorized Altman".

She shook her head and sighed: "This child ..."

(2 1)

The microphone of the TV station extended to Altman: "Altman, what would you do if you only had three days to live?"

Altman replied forcefully: "I will continue to fight monsters that endanger the public and destroy them one by one until the last moment of my life."

There was applause and cheers outside the stadium.

The microphone reached the audience again. "You, if it is you?"

The little monster forgot the dialogue taught by the director in advance, and all his thoughts were immersed in the assumption that Altman could only live for three days.

"Me, me, me ..." He "me" for a long time, making the host impatient and turning to other audiences.

"I want to be the last monster he killed so that I can be with him." The little monster said to himself.

"But mom? Where's mom? " Mother's loving smile appeared before her eyes.

The little monster is really sad.

Tears gradually came to his eyes. He looked at Altman who was in a fog on the stage and murmured, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

(22)

a set of

A small group of people gathered around the wooden box for dinner.

The little monster brought some steamed buns, which were wrapped by the monster mother. Thin skin and big stuffing, they all look rich.

There was a man in the bit section, and when he was about to chew, Altman suddenly strolled over.

The big star was warmly received, and some people stood up and said hello: "Brother Man, have you eaten?"

Altman nodded casually and suddenly saw the steamed stuffed bun, and his eyes lit up: "Hey, what's in it?"

"Wild vegetable stuffing, try it?" Say that finish, the man looked at half a steamed stuffed bun in his hand and felt something was wrong.

Altman wanted to try it, swept it around, and the little monster still had a complete one, so he rudely reached out to him.

The little monster was so frightened that he almost handed the steamed stuffed bun with trembling hands.

Altman grabbed a steamed stuffed bun, chewed it and left contentedly, leaving the little monster staring at his greasy left hand for a long time.

(23)

Mother monster handed the lunch box to the little monster and sighed, "steamed stuffed bun with leek."

The little monster took it, looked at her face carefully, smiled apologetically and said, "Mom, I'll go home early today to clean up with you."

The monster mother sighed deeper and asked helplessly, "Aren't you tired of eating every day?"

The little monster shook his head firmly: "Not tired."

Under the temptation of all kinds of steamed buns, Altman is used to strolling around the corner where bit part children have lunch at noon every day.

Before long, Altman's reputation for eating steamed buns spread.

So, the traditional rose at the entrance of his dressing room was replaced by an elaborate small steamed stuffed bun with drawers, and there were photos of beautiful women making steamed stuffed buns.

(24)

Five round buns, one of which was bitten in Altman's mouth.

The little monster stood by and watched eagerly, feeling a little envious of the steamed stuffed bun, which could be taken so seriously by Altman.

After chewing, Altman shyly asked the little monster, "You really don't want to eat."

Little monster shook his head. Really, everyone is tired of eating except Altman.

"I don't know why, the steamed stuffed bun you brought is particularly tasty." Swallow one, and Altman picks up another. "Did your mother make it?"

"I succeeded."

Altman raised his eyebrows.

"Really," the little monster held out two fleshy claws, "I learned to mix dough, roll skin, mix stuffing, and a lot of stuffing."

"You are so virtuous." Altman said with a smile, "When the little monster steamed stuffed bun shop opens, I will cut the ribbon for free."

The little monster opened his mouth, but said nothing in his heart: "I only steam steamed bread for you."

(25)

Several children get together to discuss what to do if there is the energy of monsters on TV.

"If I want to raze the school to the ground, I will never have to do my homework."

"I want to climb to the top of the Empire State Building and masturbate like King Kong."

"I want to swim to Jurassic Park and compete with Tyrannosaurus Rex."

"I want to eat all the people who have bullied me."

It's the little monster's turn He murmured, "When you are all finished, I will stay and wait for Altman."

(26)

Dental clinic.

The little monster lay on his back in the therapy chair, trembling from his fingers to the tip of his tail, and refused to speak anyway.

The dentist could do nothing but call the monster mother in from outside.

Mother monster stepped forward steadily, put her hands on the little monster's shoulders, and whispered in her ear, "Son, what would you think if Altman were here?"

The little monster settled down like a sedative and then opened his mouth.

At this moment, the door of the inner treatment room was suddenly pushed open.

A silver figure rolled out of the door like a whirlwind, leaving a bunch of people inside and outside dumbfounded.

After a long time, the dentist outside asked the nurse standing at the inner door, "Who is that?"

The little nurse chuckled: "It's Altman. He slipped away as soon as the pliers came out. "

Yes.