Lin Shengbin, the male protagonist of the Hangzhou nanny arson case, his wife and children have been buried, and he will spend the rest of his life trying to find an explanation for them.

The tomb was personally selected by Lin Shengbin and is nearly 30 square meters. Relying on the artificial lake, because "they all like lake water." Each tomb is carefully designed by him - his wife's monument is engraved with a guzheng. On the lower edge of the children's tombs, a pattern of piano keyboards is made of black and white marble. The four tombstones are arranged in a "ten" shape. The tombstones of Xiaozhen and her daughter Yangyang are arranged vertically in the middle, and those of Tongyi and Tongtong are on both sides. Lin Shengbin said that it is better to let his two sons protect their mother and sister.

Eight words are engraved on the tombstone: The fate is shallow in this life, but it will continue in the next life.

Text | Wei Shijie

Editor | Zhang Han

The four white coffins are printed with different colorful patterns. Lily, football, butterfly, whale.

The representatives are: Zhu Xiaozhen, Lin Zhanyi, Lin Zhenya and Lin Qingtong.

They are Lin Shengbin’s wife, eldest son, second daughter and youngest son. Lin Shengbin, wearing a black double-breasted suit, stood at the front of the mourning procession, holding photos of the four people. The posthumous photo is a group photo. In the photo, Zhu Xiaozhen is holding Tongtong in her arms, with Tongyi and Yangyang standing on both sides of her.

There is no other such a long funeral procession in the funeral home.

The procession came out of the side door of the farewell hall and passed through a narrow corridor of about 70 meters that led to the outdoors, symbolizing that the relatives accompanied the deceased on the last journey of his life. At the end of the corridor, turn left and make a zigzag. Not far away is the cremation room.

Lin Shengbin walked very slowly. The 160th day after the fire. This was the farewell he had to face.

As he said, "The rest of my life began like this. No matter past or present, this is a life I did not choose. It is also a life for which I was completely unprepared."

An arson incident burned his smooth and beautiful life trajectory. During these 160 days, he tried to start another kind of rest of his life.

Lost Memories

Two nights before the memorial service, Lin Shengbin dreamed of his daughter Yangyang, and in the dream she was introducing herself in English. Lin Shengbin rushed over to hug her, but couldn't hold her. She grew taller again.

Dreaming is sometimes a way of retaining memories. Lin Shengbin said that he often did not want to wake up from his dreams and wanted to spend more time with them in his dreams.

The fire burned away many memories. The computer was in the study and burned down. The SLR camera was placed in the cabinet in the living room during the fire and burned out. Zhu Xiaozhen's mobile phone had been soaked at the fire scene for too long and could not be restored. Lin Shengbin's cell phone was broken because he fell into a waterfall with him.

Many photos are just gone. "This is the last, most precious memory." Zhu Xiaozhen is not a person who particularly likes to take pictures. Most of her photos with Lin Shengbin were taken by her eldest son Zan Yi.

Photos of Lin Shengbin’s family / Lin Shengbin’s Weibo

Lin Shengbin rarely visited the burned-down house, and his family took the key away. I cried once before when I went there. As soon as I walked in, I could hear the children's voices, "They were playing hide and seek inside."

The only smell that remained was the unburned winter quilts and pillows in the storage room. Now, he still puts two pillows at the head of the bed and sleeps on the side he is accustomed to, covered with the previous quilt. Lin Shengbin always felt that the children and Xiaozhen would come back when he was asleep. Just like when he and Xiaozhen slept without closing the door, the children would come running at any time in the middle of the night.

He was in a daze for a long time.

My friend Ruan Yuefeng still remembers Lin Shengbin yelling like crazy on the night of the incident.

For more than forty days, he seldom ate, only drank water and smoked. I can smoke a whole carton of cigarettes in two days. If I can't sleep, I always stay up until four or five o'clock in the morning. Sometimes, after only a few minutes of sleep, he suddenly jumped out of bed, "as if he was looking for something." When he came to his senses, he lay down and cried.

What comforted him was the photo of his wife and children on his bedside. Get up in the morning and talk to them. Talk to them before going to bed at night.

Physical Punishment

He may even feel guilty, a sense of "guilt that I am still alive."

This state lasted until August 2, when it was interrupted by an accident.

The night before, he received a ceremony at a temple in Yunju Mountain, Jiangxi Province and became a converted disciple.

At four o'clock in the morning, Lin Shengbin left the temple for a walk. Because he was in a trance, he stepped in front of a waterfall and slipped. Slide down the 30-meter-high slope and fall into the pond below. Behind it is a waterfall cascading down, making a rumbling sound. It rained heavily the night before yesterday, and the water in the pond was very deep. Lin Shengbin was swept away until he hugged a stone.

He stood blankly in the water and saw that his white T-shirt was stained red. He reached out to touch it, but felt nothing. He only saw his hands full of blood. There was no fear, no cry for help, he felt peaceful.

After an unknown amount of time, his brother-in-law Zhu Qingfeng climbed down the slope along the bamboo and surrounded Lin Shengbin with his hands. Seeing that Lin Shengbin was still stunned, he yelled at him, "You must hold on!" Lin Shengbin gradually regained consciousness and climbed up the slope. When he stepped on his foot, he felt excruciating pain.

For a long time, his family did not dare to ask him why he fell into the waterfall, fearing that he could not think about it and committed suicide. They just came to the hospital every day to take care of Lin Shengbin's food and daily life. They didn't say much and stayed until very late. In three months, my brother Lin Shengfeng lost more than 20 pounds.

Life in the hospital bed is difficult. The night he was admitted to the emergency room, Lin Shengbin dreamed of children coming to see him. The two sons were covered in sweat from running. Tongtong fell while running. He was anxious and woke up from his dream.

In addition to psychological pain, he also experienced physical pain. Lin Shengbin suffered a spinal fracture, multiple fractures and contusions on his forehead, right arm, right hip and other places. In the first week, my thighs began to cramp as soon as I fell asleep. Pump once an hour. The family members felt distressed: "A grown man was screaming in pain."

"At that time, I really wished I could just walk away." He relied on medication to fall asleep and was groggy all day long.

During the night when he couldn't sleep, Lin Shengbin felt like he was drowning in water. It was difficult to breathe. He held it in until the end, and finally surfaced to take a breath, and the cycle started again and again. He frequently posts on Weibo to express his thoughts about his wife and children. One day, he read a comment criticizing him for "selling his misery to gain sympathy," and he took it to heart. He began to restrain his venting, "I'm afraid that people will get tired of hearing it too much."

Emotions always need to find an outlet. He found some videos and books and cried while watching them. He watched "Manchester by the Sea". The hero of the film suffered the same fate as him - three children were killed in a fire. When the actor said the line, "You don't understand, there is nothing in my heart."

Stills from "Manchester by the Sea"

Lin Shengbin felt the same way. He said, "That is a lifelong mark."

He refused advice to seek help from a psychiatrist because "the psychiatrist would make him forget." "I would rather endure such pain," he explained in an interview with "Daily People" in October this year for his stubbornness. "I don't want to forget, and I don't want to let go." In that interview, he often There will be long stretches of silence. It was difficult to say comforting words to him, and he understood. He often feels bored, "I only have time, and there is nothing others can do."

And time is like what he said, after his wife and children left, "time is getting slower and slower."

"I should face it"

Many people told him that everything would be fine. How can it be good? Lin Shengbin said, "The heartache will never go away."

Sometimes he also wants to find a reason, why is it me, why is it so unfair? Friends around him told him about the cause and effect of previous lives to enlighten him, and he listened.

Although people come to see him almost every day: family, friends, volunteers, “but no one can have in-depth communication with him.” Xu Huajian said.

Xu Huajian was Lin Shengbin’s childhood friend. After Lin Shengbin fell into the waterfall, he quit his job in his hometown to take care of his childhood playmate. He became Lin Shengbin's driver. After Lin Shengbin was discharged from the hospital, Xu Huajian lived in Lin's rented apartment and became the person who spent the longest time with Lin Shengbin since the accident.

He told reporters that Lin Shengbin remained silent most of the day: "It seems that many people are accompanying him, but in fact no one can accompany him."

When the family is busy, Lin Shengbin "tryes to be gregarious".

Friends often take Lin Shengbin out to relax. Communication between men is always a bit rough and clumsy. When Lin Shengbin fell into sadness, his buddies often teased him with jokes. His friend Zhou Zhengqing said, "He also laughed, but the smile only lasted a moment."

No one mentioned Zhu Xiaozhen and her son. Even sometimes, when Lin Shengbin took the initiative to mention it, the men would interrupt rudely, "You have to cheer up. You have no right to be sad now. When everything is dealt with, you will be alone." People can be as sad as they want."

"I often feel that I can face it," Lin Shengbin said, "but something or a certain scene suddenly brings me back to my original state. "

When he saw his younger sister's daughter coming back from school, wearing the same school uniform and dance clothes as Yangyang, he was immediately in a trance. The elder brother's child is sitting and watching Pipilu, which is what the son often looks at, and he will suddenly feel that it is his son sitting there.

The family members were therefore extra careful to avoid any possibility of making him emotional, and put away all small items related to the child. This year's Mid-Autumn Festival, Lin's family did not reunite. The four old people didn't eat together. What were they doing? "We could only cry together when we met."

Brother Lin Shengfeng and sister Yunting accompanied Lin Shengbin.

When they were children, the three brothers and sisters often went to the mountains to chop firewood together. The firewood was carried on my back and became heavier as I walked. His brother often helped him throw away some and then throw away some. The journey home was long, and the three siblings were always inseparable.

The current path is the same.

Lin Shengbin was very grateful for this, but he did not dare to let himself immerse himself in it for fear that his relatives would be worried. He didn't have much opportunity to release his emotions. Many times, he would sit in his room crying and could vaguely hear his parents sobbing outside the room. He didn't dare to cry anymore. I know that once I feel sad, the old people will feel sad too.

He rarely sheds tears in front of others. The most recent time, he received a package from a netizen - a carefully crafted crystal photo album. He opened it without any precautions: the netizen added text from his Weibo under the picture.

Looking through the photos and texts, Lin Shengbin burst into tears.

That night, he entered the room holding a crystal album and closed the door. The next day, his family wanted to take the album away, but he refused and hid the album under his pillow.

"He said," Xu Huajian cried when recalling this scene, "He said, I should face them instead of hiding, I want to feel them beside me..."

Support

He believes in the existence of souls and believes that his wife and children can see him, so he cannot be bad, otherwise they will be sad. He could only believe what his friends said and turn grief into strength. It might be good to help others. "Consider your thoughts about them as a message of love."

After taking refuge, he would go to some temples. There is Yong'an Mountain in Fuyang, a suburb of Hangzhou, and there is a Jile Temple on the mountain. The temple still relies on rainwater to survive, and the nuns in the nunnery rarely go down the mountain.

After Lin Shengbin visited the temple, he funded the construction of a well for the nuns.

He seemed normal, and the abbot of the nunnery began to wonder about his story. The two chatted, and Lin Shengbin knew that Xin Zhi was from the Northeast. After returning home, he sent her five boxes of Marshal Huang apples from her hometown. It was the taste of her hometown that she had not tasted for a long time, "the best I have ever tasted."

Later she heard someone talk about Lin Shengbin’s experience. She did not comfort Lin Shengbin directly, but just talked about the reason why she became a monk: she once wanted to make money, but then she had money, but her father left due to illness. She told Lin Shengbin that she did not have the courage to face the pain of separation and death next time.

She said that one day we will leave and we must be prepared for death and separation.

Lin Shengbin listened silently.

Once, he told his mind that he missed them very much at night. The mind listens and says nothing.

At the end of November, a reporter from "Daily People" saw the almost completed artificial well at Kek Lok Temple. It is 181 meters deep. Once completed, water from the lake below the mountain can be pumped up and supplied to the taps of the temple. The construction of this well requires about 80,000 yuan in labor costs.

“Helping them dig this well is more like helping ourselves.” Lin Shengbin wrote on Weibo, “Since I can’t let go, I will transform this longing into this purity. . ”

He would go to the welfare home and also want to do something during the Jiuzhaigou earthquake. Lin Shengbin expressed his gratitude to netizens on Weibo again and again. He knew there were some unflattering comments, "I barely read it."

He has been called the perfect victim. He has his own self-control and dignity.

Since August this year, Lin Shengbin has avoided the topic of nanny Mo Huanjing in every interview. "As soon as I mentioned her, my heart was filled with panic." That was the only answer he gave when faced with questions. He didn't want to talk about her with others, Buddhists hated her, he couldn't let go, all he could do was remain silent.

What also supports him is the progress of the case.

He never gave up and kept waiting for the trial of the nanny's arson case to come to trial. He does not plan to file a civil lawsuit against the nanny Mo Huanjing.

When chatting with reporters, he often asks, will you still pay attention? Will you continue to pay attention?

He is afraid of being forgotten because he needs an explanation. "They must give an explanation. Only in this way can I slowly come out of this life." He must cheer up and find the truth.

Before getting the explanation, the funeral is a small rest.

"They are at peace now that they are buried, and I am at peace with myself."

Funeral

After 160 days, he felt that he could and should bear this farewell.

On November 27, the day before the memorial service, the rehearsal continued into the evening. Lin Shengbin stood in the center of the farewell hall. Direct the staff to conduct final rehearsals: lighting, floral arrangements, music, screenings... to ensure nothing goes wrong.

He walked to the four portraits in front of the hall and pointed out that the one of his eldest son Tamaichi was not good - unlike the other three portraits, Tamaichi in the photo was standing in front of a blackboard, composing the picture. On the far right side, the figure is huddled in a corner.

"Replace it. This one is placed together with the other three. It's not harmonious." Lin Shengbin's tone sounded more like he was dealing with official business.

Photos of Zhu Xiaozhen, mother and son were scrolling on the electronic screen, and each photo had been strictly screened by Lin Shengbin.

After her sister Yunting glanced at the big screen for a few times, she couldn't hold back and cried silently. Lin Shengbin passed by her expressionlessly, his eyes did not stop, his eyes swept across the big screen and looked around the entire auditorium.

This memorial service took a month to prepare. Unlike ordinary mourning ceremonies, there were no wreaths or elegiac couplets, instead there were stretches of reeds. Lin Shengbin introduced to me that it was carefully selected by him in order to "create artistic conception". He said that his wife would definitely like it if she is literary and artistic.

In Lin Shengbin’s eyes, Zhu Xiaozhen is artistic and smart. The three children are all grown up. She finally had some time to herself, and she wanted to learn Montessori education. In my spare time, I often play guzheng and practice calligraphy. My wife loves to learn, and when her son learns English, she also learns it, chatting one-on-one with foreigners in front of the computer.

Talking about these, Lin Shengbin looked very calm - only at certain moments, he looked at the photos on the screen for a while, and his eyes would become moist.

"I hope to make it (the memorial service) perfect and leave no regrets." He said looking ahead.

Every once in a while, he will walk out of the hall alone and walk to the open space outside. Light a cigarette or take a quiet walk.

Farewell

At 10 a.m. on November 28, Lin Shengbin stood in the inner room of the cremation room, facing the silver-white cremation furnace, welcoming the four sets of ashes of his relatives. The metal door opened, and four remains were carried out from the conveyor belt one after another: the adult's was very clear, the first mate's skeleton, mainly the spine, was still there, and the human shape was vaguely identifiable. The other ashes were scattered around, slightly yellowish. The child's skeleton is much smaller, with bones about as long as the palm of your hand arranged segment by segment.

Lin Shengbin cried bitterly as he watched the staff collect the ashes one by one. A vacuum equipment was turned on and moved slowly on the conveyor belt, making a loud "buzzing" sound that almost drowned out the cries of the relatives. The remaining ashes were sucked into the instrument, then poured into a bag, wrapped in red cloth and placed in the urn.

The direct relatives received the four urns and joined the procession of delivering the souls one by one.

Zhu Xiaozhen’s parents did not attend the funeral. Since the accident, the two elderly people have suffered from gastrointestinal problems due to long-term use of sleeping pills. Worried that they could not bear the excitement, the old couple listened to their children's dissuasion.

At 12:30 noon, which is the auspicious time calculated by the Taoist priest, the ashes are placed in the tomb. Workers smeared the edges with reconstituted cement and closed the marble lid.

Lin Shengbin personally selected the tomb, which is nearly 30 square meters. Relying on the artificial lake, because "they all like lake water."

Each tomb is carefully designed by him - his wife's monument is engraved with a guzheng. On the lower edge of the children's tombs, a pattern of piano keyboards is made of black and white marble. The four tombstones are arranged in a "ten" shape. The tombstones of Xiaozhen and her daughter Yangyang are arranged vertically in the middle, and those of Tongyi and Tongtong are on both sides. Lin Shengbin said that it is better to let his two sons protect their mother and sister.

Eight words are engraved on the tombstone: The fate is shallow in this life, but it will continue in the next life.

Lin Shengbin remembered that he once had a conversation with his wife about who would leave first, and the two of them agreed on a secret code so that they could recognize each other in the next life. Before cremation, Lin Shengbin went to the farewell room to see his four relatives for the last time. He marked each person's hand with a marker. He left behind a small piece of his wife and children's ashes made into bracelets.

In the last part of the burial ceremony, the guests released the balloons in their hands to express their condolences.

Large blue and white dots floated into the sky one after another, getting farther and farther away and disappearing. Several balloons were caught on branches as they floated up. I counted exactly four balloons.

Lin Shengfeng found a thick wooden board, stretched it into the branches and released the balloons one by one. Lin Shengbin stared at the four balloons from a distance until the gray clouds covered them.

That evening, it got dark quickly. It was not until the salvation ceremony of Zhu Xiaozhen, mother and son was completed in the temple that Lin Shengbin had the first meal of the day in the dining hall. His tone was a little more relaxed, and he said, "Everyone, please eat more." He filled a bowl full of vegetarian rice with his hands and feet, and finished it in one go.

After finishing his meal, he put down his bowl and chopsticks. He asked his friends to change a piece of turf for his wife and children's graves.

"Find two more bigger maple trees, better ones. Please take some trouble."...

"I understand. They should be bigger and thicker in diameter, right. "

"Yes, just like you." Lin Shengbin teased unexpectedly, making everyone at the dinner table laugh.

Lin Shengbin was stunned for a second and then smiled.

He wrote on Weibo that the road alone seems too long, but I will walk it well.