Collecting humorous short messages (must be absolutely funny)

1.

Are you working again? I have told you more than once not to work so hard and to take care of your health. But you always say meaningfully: "If I don't roll a few more dung balls while the weather is warm, what will I eat in winter!!"

2.

It’s time for you to know something! The sky is used to blow wind and rain; the earth is used to grow flowers and grass; I am used to prove the greatness of mankind; and you: "It is used to stew vermicelli.!"

3.

Don’t get drunk again. Yesterday, someone saw you chasing a pig with a wine glass and yelling: "Is it a brother? It was a brother who did it!!"< /p>

4.

I am a lonely tree, standing by the roadside for thousands of years, waiting lonely, just so that one day when you walk by me, I will fall for you. If I can’t smash you, it will be in vain. alive.

5.

If autumn goes away, I will wait for you in the snow; if the world goes away, I will love you in heaven; if I go away, I will let her take care of you. Really, her pig-raising skills are pretty good!

6.

I know you care about hygiene. You wash your hands every time you go to the toilet, and wash them very carefully. Suddenly you didn't wash your hands. I was surprised: Why didn't you wash your hands? You replied: "I brought paper this time!!"

7.

Missing you is a very happy thing; seeing you is a very happy thing; loving you is what I will always do; keeping you in my heart is what I have always done ; However, lying to you happened just now.

8.

I will pray to the Buddha every day for a long-lasting blooming rose. When there are nine hundred and ninety-nine roses, I will give them to you and say emotionally: "Young man, I don't believe that the bees you attract will not be able to bloom." Sting you! "

9.

According to reports: A few days ago, Iraqi militants hung your photo on the wall of Baghdad, causing a large number of US soldiers to vomit and die. After investigating and collecting evidence, the United Nations confirmed that this is a weapon of mass destruction. You should run away.

10.

Couples in Western countries always get divorced because their god of love is a baby. Look at China's Yuexia Laoren. They are full of experience, so the marriages of Chinese couples are more permanent. When Carrot met the customer, he respectfully handed over his business card. The customer looked at the business card and asked: What do you call Korean ginseng? Carrot's small waist straightened out, "I'm so jealous!"

11.

When you wake up today, there is a mosquito lying on your pillow, and a suicide note next to you: I struggled all night, and your shame makes me shameless in this world! Lord forgive him! I committed suicide.

12.

Someone saw you today. You are still so charming. You are wearing a plaid vest and walking slowly with a detached and comfortable look. You are so cute. I don’t know how you could beat the rabbit back then. ?

13.

Within a year, a man wrote more than 800 love letters to his girlfriend. As a result, his girlfriend finally announced that she was getting married, and the groom was the postman who delivered these letters to her.

14.

The barber was shaving the customer's face while chatting. He was so busy chatting that he accidentally shaved off one side of the customer's eyebrows. The barber asked: Do you want to grow your eyebrows? Guest: I want to stay! Barber: Ouch! Why didn't you tell me earlier? One side has already been shaved off!

15.

Husband: Honey, I’m fired. Just because of a trivial matter, so unfair! Wife: Why? Husband: I forgot to close the tiger cage after get off work last night. But they didn’t even think about who would dare to steal the tiger!

16.

"Do you know why men like to have long hair like ladies these days?" "Because, if your lover or wife finds long hair on their clothes, he will laugh and say 'This It's my hair!'"

17.

You are an intern in a mental hospital. Suddenly a mentally ill patient is chasing you with a kitchen knife. You turn around and run until you reach a dead end. Thinking that this is the end, the patient says: "Here." You knife, it’s your turn to chase me!”

18.

A certain player can't even catch the ball.

When practicing passing and receiving, another player passed a good ball to him. He was afraid that he would not catch the ball firmly, so he shouted "Catch it firmly". As a result, the ball hit his head, and he only heard him say "With whom?"< /p>

19.

When you are alone and empty, a pencil may be your best plaything. You can use a knife to cut it, peel it, chop it, and at the same time you can vent yourself and shout loudly: "I kill the pen, I kill the pen, I kill the pen!!"

20.

The sky is so clear, the sun is so bright, and the sea is so vast. You are standing on the blue seaside, and I poke you with a stick: "Hey, this little bastard has a pretty hard shell." ! ”

21.

On the first day of the obstetrician’s practice, his wife asked him, “How was your day?” The doctor said, “It’s not too bad. Although the mother and the baby were not saved, the baby’s father was finally saved.

p>

22.

During the military training under the tree that year, the instructor said to the students: The first row reported the number. You looked at the instructor in surprise, and the instructor said loudly: "Report the number." !So, you reluctantly turned around and hugged the tree! ! ”

23.

Your voice came from the valley. I looked down and found you at the corner of the mountain. It was you! It was really you! You were with an old man. At the same time, I ran over excitedly and said, "Uncle, please borrow the donkey!" ! ”

24.

The seedless watermelon was successfully developed, and he frequently participated in various celebrations and report meetings, enjoying great glory. Other watermelons were very envious, and one watermelon was indignant: What is so beautiful about it? There is no next generation.

There was a fight between cameras and mobile phones. A camera came excitedly: Report to the leader, grab a mobile phone! The camera head looked at it and said angrily: Why are we undercover? Caught here?

26.

You know, I really want to take you out to experience the charm of KTV! Ktv? Just slap you, kick you, and finally make a V gesture!

The moment I made up my mind to leave, you The helpless crying and heartbreaking pain behind me made me realize in an instant how much I love you. I turned around suddenly and hugged you tightly while crying: "I won't sell this pig! ! ”

28.

It is said that there are gold arrows, iron arrows, and bronze arrows. You have to learn silver arrows! It is said that there are eighteen kinds of martial arts and 360 moves, but you have to learn drunkenness. Arrow, so soon you appeared on the rivers and lakes: "Drunken Silver Arrow! ! ”

29.

The first time I saw you, I felt like I had known you for a long time. I have never said such a sure thing. You may not believe it, but this It’s true, you really look like my lost pig!

30. God said to grant me a wish, and I asked for world peace, he said. It’s too difficult. Let’s change it. I took out your photo and said I wanted this person to be prettier. He thought for a moment and said, “Take the globe and let me take a look! ! ”

31.

I saw you that day. You were sitting under the sun, feeling so uncomfortable. I asked you what you were doing, and you smiled mysteriously: Keep your voice down and wait for me. If I get a tan, no one will call me an idiot!

When the tortoise and the hare race, do you think the tortoise is faster or the hare is faster? At home, the four children were making a noise. My wife was very happy to see me back, "You are finally back." I was also happy because I thought the children were afraid of me. Unexpectedly, my wife then said, "You are the only one in the family who is obedient. Be good!" Go and buy a bag of salt for me”

33.

You are going to travel somewhere else. A sincere friend will see you off. The biting cold wind cannot stop our friendship. , I held your hand and said: "Reform well and strive for a reduced sentence!" ! ”

34.

Listen! I want to chase you! I will recognize you! You are the one I have been looking for! I will definitely seize this opportunity! I must chase you till now!

35.

My dear, I miss you again, and my love for you grows stronger every day. Tell me: The price of pork has increased, can you sell it at a good price?

36.

The defendant promised his defense lawyer: "If you have the ability to allow me to serve only half a year in prison, then you will receive an additional $1,000 in remuneration." As a result, he finally got his wish, and the lawyer collected the money. While saying: "This is really a tricky job. Originally, the judges wanted to acquit."

37.

During those days, we walked quietly on the small road in our hometown, and you lowered your head shyly. When the villagers saw us, they all praised you: Hey, you are beautiful and clean! He also praised me: What a good boy, he came out to herd pigs at such a young age! ! ”

38.

Oh! It’s snowing! I really want to turn into a snowflake and fly into your arms. I fly into your neck. Fly into your arms. Cuffs. Fly into your... Why didn't you zip it up!

39. A group of male hippos crossed the river to woo the female hippopotamus at the risk of being eaten by crocodiles. Later, I found that they had all been castrated by crocodiles, and the only one who survived said: You are stupid, you are all a breaststroker, but I am a backstroker.

"You know what? My husband was injured in the table tennis finals. "But no one has ever seen him play ball?" ""Yes. He broke his vocal cords while watching the game. "

41.

Someone was passing by the cemetery and heard the sound of knocking. When he saw a person, he felt relieved and asked: What are you doing? Answer: "They took my tombstone. I made a mistake. I need to correct it! ! ”

42.

My dear, do you know? You have lost a lot of weight recently! I can see it in my eyes, and it hurts in my heart. The Chinese New Year is about to come, but your body is It's worrying... Who doesn't want to kill a few more pounds of his own pig?

Someone said you were a pig! How could I do this? ? How can people say what they are like? Aqiang: To strengthen the body! Soldier: To break the self-defense skills of women. >

44.

The roosters chased the hens and crowed loudly. One rooster’s eyes were red and silent, and the hen’s heart beat. You were so cool. Why didn’t you crow then? I drank too much that day... I was afraid of vomiting.

A girl walked into a bar and said to the shopkeeper: "If you pay two hundred yuan, I will do anything for you." matter. The shopkeeper said, "Okay, you can paint the walls here." ”

46.

Please stop reading and turn off the phone. There is really nothing interesting to see. Please, do you really want to see it? Don’t regret it? Okay, this But you asked for it yourself, you are a pig!

The Jade Emperor: The case of Erlang Shen’s Roaring Heavenly Dog raping Chang’e’s Jade Rabbit is now being heard. Hey! Sky Dog! I’m still reading the text message!

There will be a meteor shower tonight, and I heard that there will be a big pig flying over the sky. It's a pity that I want to sleep, but you are fine. There are so many people watching you fly! You use the white clouds to make clothes, borrow a pair of wings from the bird, fly in front of me like an arrow, and tell me - Birdman That’s what it looks like!

49.

John went to sign up after seeing the advertisement for lifeguards in the swimming pool. The owner of the swimming pool asked John what he was good at, and John replied: "Swimming pool." The depth is 2.1 meters and my height is 2.17 meters. ”

50.

A drop of water is small in the ocean, but great in the desert; a red-crowned crane is small among the cranes, but great among the chickens; you are small among the crowd, but among the pigs Great!

51.

Do you know that I met a mentally retarded person yesterday? How stupid can I tell you? Well, he may have a lower IQ than you!

52.

His hair is too long, his clothes are not washed when they are dirty, his beard is messy, and he looks neither male nor female. I don’t wake up until noon, and I never want to win.

53. Please touch your red face first, and then touch your little one. Belly! OK! This is the end of this pig raising knowledge lecture, see you tomorrow!

54.

I vomit when I drink too much, cry when I am sad, climb into trees when driving, and can’t move even when I see a beautiful girl. I always feel that I have little income, and my relationship is never progressing!

55.

Today is your birthday. All women’s toilets and bathrooms are open to you free of charge. Welcome! You use white clouds to make clothes, borrow a pair of wings from a bird, fly in front of me like an arrow, tell me - this is what a birdman looks like!

56.

Yesterday I made a bet with my friend. I said: There is no one stupider than a pig in the world. In the end, I lost, and it turns out it’s all your fault!

57.

Ah! Your skin is so shiny, your fragrance is so irresistible, let me bite you hard, my dear - braised pork.

58.

There is a kind of tacit understanding called tacit understanding, a kind of feeling called wonderful, there is a kind of happiness called having you by your side, there is a kind of longing called looking forward to seeing you, and there is a fool who will read the text message to the end.

59.

I wish you good health and may you lose all your teeth! Bon voyage, but disappeared halfway! Go all the way, but fall down halfway! Happy every day, often abnormal! Always smile and deserve to die!

60.

An electrician walked into the operating room and said to a dying patient wearing an oxygen mask: Hello! Listen, take a deep breath, I need to black out for five minutes!

61.

Strange, strange, really strange, seven turtles are playing disco, six lions are playing chess, five monkeys are eating pears, four donkeys are chasing Shu Qi, three mice are doing level 3, and two crabs are doing Tai Chi. , a little pig reads information!

62.

A pig and a penguin were kept in a cold storage at -20°C. The penguin died the next day, but the pig was fine. Why? You don’t know? By the way, pigs don’t know either!

63.

Are you Alian? ! Let me do the math: three inches of golden lotus, four inches of anemone, five inches of bronze lotus, six inches of iron lotus - wow, one foot and two inches is Ah Lian! ! ”

64.

Do you know? I dreamed of you last night. We were walking by the river, cuddling with each other, and you looked down into my eyes, lovingly. Three words were said: woof woof woof.

A group of swallows pecked at the mud to build a nest under the eaves. After the nest was built, the swallows screamed on the roof. The children in the yard. I was curious, so I asked my father. My father replied: Alas, the contractor is hiding and has not paid me.

66.

The cricket chirped, and the spider asked why his voice had changed. ? Cricket: I have a cold, and the dialing tone is wrong, so I can’t get on. At this time, the spider suddenly fell down. Cricket: Huh?

Mother: " In my opinion, my child is really a child prodigy. He has many unique ideas, isn't it? "Yes, ma'am, especially when dictating new words." ”

68.

Please go to the nearest telephone pole and shout loudly to the wild advertisement above, “My disease is cured!” "A lady went to take a snapshot. After taking the photo, she went to get the automatically developed photo. After reading it, she exclaimed: Why do I look like a monkey! The woman behind said coldly: That's mine, yours has to wait.

69.

I had a dream last night. I dreamed that you fell into a smelly cesspit. After you climbed up, you said: "After all, we have lived in a good era." The manure pit also smells delicious! "

70.

A jet fighter flew roaring in the sky. The little bird was surprised when he saw it. The little bird said: "Mom, why is that bird flying like that? quick? "Mother Bird:" Try putting a fire on your butt. ”

71.

During the festive season, I will give you the heaviest gift ever. You will definitely eat a pound and eat more. If you feel the weight is not enough, you will also Please help yourself.

72. Killing time with short messages is called letter life. Sending and receiving at the same time is called letter communication. Crazy receiving is called letter climax. Only receiving without sending is called letter communication. If the letter is cold and sent to the wrong person, it is harassment; if the letter is not sent or received successfully, it is a dysfunction of the letter!

Toilet Couplet: Top: Standing on both sides of the Yellow River, holding confidential documents in hand: Machine gun fire from the front and artillery fire from behind.

Hengpi: Cool!

74.

A lunatic was lying on the bed singing, singing, turning over and continuing to sing. The doctor asked him: Just sing, why are you turning over? The lunatic said: Fool, after singing side A, of course I will sing side B!

75.

First Love is a brand new version; Rekindling an Old Love is a renovated version; Living together before marriage is a trial version; Wedding Night is the original version; The Beauty in the Golden House is a collector's version; Falling in Love with a Widow is a revised version; Seducing a Wife is a pirated version. .

76.

A drunk man accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by to watch. A policeman came over and asked: What happened? The drunk man: "I don't know, I just arrived too!"

77.

In the bus, a standing pregnant woman said to the man sitting next to her: Don’t you know I’m pregnant? The man said nervously: "The child is not mine!!"

78.

You heartless person, tell me honestly, who was the woman who answered the phone in your room last night? She actually told me...the number you dialed is busy, please wait and call again.

79.

Go home: fill your stomach. Hand over the ticket. Kiss your wife. Amuse the children; go out: look in the mirror. Date a woman. Use your brain. Pretending to be grandson.

80.

One day, a drunk man took a taxi home after drinking, stopped a 110 patrol car, and shouted: "Even if you pay one yuan per kilometer, there is no need to write in such big words!!!!" ”

81.

( ! ) Ordinary butt (__!__) Fat butt (!) Tight butt (_._) Flat butt (_*_) Inflamed butt

82.

The sun is pregnant, playing a song. Hee hee...(the moon is causing trouble)! The tiger held down the tortoise and said: Sample! If you wear a vest, I won’t recognize you? The next day when he saw the turtle, the tiger smiled: Hehe! How is it? Has your shell been cracked by me?

83.

Cucumber cried in love, and Eggplant comforted her: love is not just sweet. Just intoxicated and heartbroken. And tears. well! Who made you fall in love with onions?

84.

The teacher said: Looking for two people, I want the class beauty. So we voted for class beauties, held a class, and selected the two most beautiful girls. The teacher said: "Go to the Academic Affairs Office and move the flowers!!"

85.

A mosquito flew onto the sleeping baby’s butt. The father drove the mosquito away and applied toilet water on it. The baby woke up and shouted: "Mom, a mosquito just peed on my butt!!"

86.

The boss pointed to the beautiful yellow bird in the cage and said: This bird is honest and does not fly around. The customer bought it back at a high price and opened the cage door: Fly away, we are home. Huangniao laughed: I was fooled! I'm...a chick!

87.

A man was about to jump off a building, and his wife shouted: My dear, don’t be impulsive, we still have a long way to go! After hearing this, the man jumped down. The policeman said: "You really shouldn't have threatened him like this!!"

88.

Glutinous Rice lost the fight with Baozi. He was very dissatisfied when he met Siomai on the street and hit him immediately. When Siomai saw him, he immediately took off his coat and said angrily: "Actually, I am an undercover agent!!"< /p>

89.

You are the rose in my heart, but it is a pity that you withdrew; you are the moon in the sky, but it is covered by the clouds; you are Chang'e who descended to earth, but it is a pity that you touched the ground face first.

90.

Grandmother and granddaughter in the consulting room. Undress, the doctor said to the pretty girl. No, doctor, said the old lady: I ??am a patient. Yeah? Then stick out your tongue.

91.

People get married because of lack of judgment; people get divorced because of lack of endurance; people remarry because of lack of memory.

92.

Your face is more beautiful than Chen Shimei, your eyes are brighter than Zhuge Liang; my love is deeper than Lu Zhishen, my love is longer than Guan Yunchang, but my promise is empty than Sun Wukong.

93.

An old lady loved to play mahjong. After her death, her children suggested that she send mahjong to her body for burial, but one woman was worried: "What if she calls us if there are not enough people?!"

94.

When a beautiful woman on the street waves her hand, she will also take a look at the street lamp; when a beautiful woman on the street waves her hand twice, people in high-rise buildings want to kiss her; when a beautiful woman on the street waves her hand three times, the earth brakes and moves back.

95.

A couple gave birth to 8 children, one after another, Osmanthus fragrans. camellia. plum bossom. chrysanthemum. yellow flower. Grass flowers. Wild flowers, the last one is called moneyless flowers.

96.

In the world of frivolity, philandering, and frivolous men deceive people, and change their hearts when they achieve their goals. If you don’t want to be sad anymore, give up on the man completely!

97.

You rushed into a certain unit angrily and shouted: Is this the Animal Protection Association? Staff: "Yes, who bullied you?!"

98.

There was a boy in the class who was known as a sissy. Once in an art class, the teacher asked him to make a clay figurine. He shouted: I want to be a man! My deskmate answered from the side: "Oh, you finally figured it out!"

99.

There are green mountains and buildings outside the mountains. I won’t worry if you ignore me. There are beauties everywhere in the world and they will take me in at any time.

100.

In freshman year, rabbits don’t eat grass lying on the edge; in sophomore year, good horses don’t eat grass that turns back; in junior year, there is no fragrant grass anywhere in the world; in senior year, the strong wind knows the strong grass.

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