Dalian University of Technology skit hilarious lines

Psychological Clinic

A: There are four kinds of fools in the world: those who hang themselves because they are in love, those who take medicine when they are not sick, those who scream when they see a handsome guy like me, and stare at sketches There are those who don’t smile. Let me see if there are any such people here today. I want to say that if you still don’t smile after a long time, you are sick and have a bad heart. Ask me what I am doing. Psychiatrist. To tell you the truth, my major is fortune telling. However, the police have been particularly tight these past two days. There is no other way, so I have to move here. See, I will work here, so that I can make money safely and also use my expertise in deceiving people. well! Why are you so smart? (Knocking on the door) Yo, come to life. Please come in.

B: Ouch, ouch... Doctor, this is a psychological clinic.

A: Yes, yes

B: Doctor, you said this is a man...hey, no no...he is a man who does big work, why is he so tired?

A: Hey, are you from Shenyang?

B: Sit tight and listen, I will tell you slowly. My name is Wang Laowu, and my nickname is Stinky Tofu. I have a girlfriend who is as fierce as a tiger and skinned me until I was left with only bones. The kitchen knife danced in front of me, and the broom touched my body. He treated me coldly and cruelly, which made me miserable. I am no happier than a widow now. I have tasted the sourness and bitterness of the world, and I don’t even know whether I am a male or a female now.

A: You look as thin as a dog, you must have suffered a lot!

B: Ah

A: Come, sit down, let me see your face

B: Ah? Why do you still read faces here? It's quite complete

A: Ah, a new item

B: Oh

A: Small eyes, single eyelids, plus a golden hook nose. Why does this mouth look like a belly button? Oh, okay, brother, let me tell you, all the shortcomings of human facial features are all on your face. If you want not to be abused, the whole country will not agree!

B: Can you blame me for this? But then again. These days, I am living in a suffocated house, and from time to time I have to taste the consequences of domestic violence, which hits me hard and I have nowhere to hide. Brother, I can only squat on the toilet now. I think if this continues, I will really make a bed on the floor next to the cesspit

A: What do you say?

B: Death is not far away!

A: Then you don’t know how to poop in the corner!

B: Poop in the corner? How to say it?

A: Be angry, (pull up B) to be strong.

B: Working hard to become stronger? Do I dare? I. You don’t know the specifics. During those days, she blocked me financially, isolated me politically, tortured me mentally, and tortured me physically. What I can't tolerate the most is that she actually abandons me in life.

A: Abandoned you? He must have fallen in love with someone else. This is not watery. But this is also a common phenomenon.

A: I advise you to be more open-minded, and I will give you a couplet. The first line is "As long as you can live a decent life" and the second line is "Even if your head is a little green", criticizing "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"!

B: No, it’s not that. It’s not that. Doctor, she thinks I’m a coward and doesn’t want to be with me.

A: Then let me ask, how did you two get together?

B: Speaking of this, I have to mention my first love.

A: First love?

B: Yes

A: Oh, what you said, oh, it also awakened my budding spring heart and reminded me of my first love.

B: The doctor also has a story?

A: Don’t interrupt, the feeling is coming. Ah, it was a moonlit night.

XiDD Yue'er, don't laugh at me, stupid Hualala, infatuated person is not a fool, Hululu sweetheart, where are you, Biabiabia, I must find her...

(Song, affectionate and intoxicated...)

B: Alas, alas, alas, doctor, I’m here to see a doctor (pull my clothes off)

A: Oh, I’m sorry, where did I just talk?

B: I talked about my first love

A: Oh, I’m sorry, I interrupted you, please continue

B: She said she wanted me to wait for her until the next life

A: Really? ?

B: That’s natural. When I confessed my love to her, she was very gentle and said to me very tactfully: "I want to be my boyfriend, but wait until the next life."

A: Such a next life.

B: You said she is someone’s first love. How could she be like this?

A: In this case, you should be more open-minded. First love, first love, just for exercise, cheating, unlimited prospects!

B: You are so right, doctor. Since my first love left me, another woman has appeared in my life, which is my current girlfriend. I think back then she was gentle and kind, and she was like a goddess in my mind, but there was one thing that wasn't good about her. My brothers said her quality was too poor.

A: Poor quality? How bad is it?

B: Oops, this is hard to say. My brothers once wrote a couplet to him. That’s how to describe her quality. Listen. This first couplet is: Look at the back, there are thousands of troops in a hurry.

A: Isn’t that great? What about the second line?

B: The second line is: Turn around fiercely to scare away all the princes.

A: What about Hengbiao?

B: Still asking about Hengpi? ! "Oh my god!"

A: Now that she looks like this, what are you doing with her?

B: It is said that a man who is lovelorn is fragile. . . I just fell in love with her in a daze... Ever since I got together with her, I got up earlier than a chicken every day, ate worse than a pig, and did more work than a donkey! Don’t say anything anymore, brother, it’s all tears

A: Look at your cowardly look. I can tell what you are like in normal times. You are definitely like that: you wash your face but not your neck in the morning, pick out leek boxes when eating vegetables, ride a broken mule to school, and your mobile phone is like a big rice box. I just wonder, how can you still have the honor to be alive? !

B: There is no need for you to bury me. Do you think I have never thought about death? I also jumped over the stairs.

A: Really?

B: And before jumping, I also asked seniors who had similar experience

A: Can you think of all this?

B: I never fight an unprepared battle.

A: What did you say?

B: Listen carefully. Seniors told me: If you want to be happy, go to the sixth floor; if you still want to struggle, go to the fifth floor; if you want to be disabled, go to the fourth floor; if you want to go to the hospital and stay for 180 days, go to the third floor; If you want to scare people, go to the second floor; if you want to watch the excitement, just go to the first floor.

A: Which floor did you go to?

B: To be honest, brother, I got it right in one step

A: The sixth floor?

B: It’s on the first floor

A: Don’t you get it right in one step?

B: Why are you so stupid? If you jump from the sixth floor, don't you have to jump to the first floor in the end? Jump from the first floor in one step! What's wrong? !

A: That’s fine, go and die. You won't die a hundred times like this. (Doctor’s subtext: That won’t work, you have to swindle money quickly)

B: Huh?

A: Ah, that’s so disrespectful!

B: Remind me, brother

A: If your disease is not cured, you will be useless

B: Really?

A: Then can I still lie to you? The fact that you meet me today is a blessing from your previous life.

B: Can you save me?

A: Just ask this uncontroversial question! Do you know who I am?

B: Who is it?

A: Sit tight and listen. I think it broke the hearts of thousands of women back then! Even now, he is still being hunted by countless female killers! I have a famous saying: If being handsome means being punished, wouldn’t I be cut to pieces! ?

B: Senior, my senior! (Kneels down, hugs his legs and pulls his clothes), then you have to save me

A: Get up, it’s easier to talk, it’s easier to talk, sit down, sit down. Sit down and say.

B: Sit down and talk?

A: For your situation, I will provide you with two packages to deal with your girlfriend, one is the terror package and the other is the peace package, you choose

B : Horror package? It's so scary, she's so timid. So, tell me about the peace package

A: Peace package? This involves an intellectual property issue.

B: Understand (stop the doctor and make a request for payment) intellectual property, that is, do you think this will work? (hands over the money)

A: (looks at the money) Oh, you are quite good at it. Okay, I see you are sincere, let me tell you.

B: Yes

A: Peace package, to describe it in the simplest language, that is——————break up

B: separate. This is basically impossible to do. You don’t know the specific situation. I still have two thousand yuan in my bankbook with her. Once we break up, this person will lose both his life and wealth, so it will be over if he has nothing.

A: Isn’t this a rat working as an escort for a cat? You want money rather than your life

B: That two thousand yuan is not a small amount

A: Besides, how can this love be like this? What about hanging from a tree? We should master this basic rule: keep two, keep one, develop three, four, five, six and seven

B: Then why?

A: It’s too simple. Development is the last word. This is the universal principle of Marxism.

B: Doctor, don’t you mention this trip to me, doctor? To tell you the truth, I failed politics for two and a half years, and I can’t master it at all. (Paying for the first time) Tell me about that scary package

A: (Feeling that the money is too little) Oh, this makes me very embarrassed

B: (Second Take out the money for the first time) Doctor, I’m in a dilemma too

A: Just fifty yuan?

B: Huh? Isn't there a bit of nothing here? Can you do it?

A: Do you think I dare not accept it? ! (So...)

B: I really want it

A: Let me tell you, let’s talk about it first, this horror package is dangerous, it requires perseverance and courage Drops

(A keeps pretending to be money, B is muttering: courage and perseverance)

B: Tell me, I am also a person who jumps over buildings, what kind of courage? I don’t have the perseverance and perseverance

A: That’s right. I forgot about it. I can still be considered a person who jumped over the building. So, let me tell you, the horror package is self-harm

B: Self-harm?

A: Hmm

B: How disabled

A: Gouge out the eyes, twist the mouth, break the arms and legs!

B: Oh my god, this is too scary.

A: Who are you scaring? You are so good, you can no longer take care of yourself, and you no longer need to manage those tasks.

Relaxed~

B: I don’t have to work anymore, then I don’t have to live anymore!

A: That’s right, then I’ll give you another one

B: Yes, you’re wrong, give me another one

A: Now your status Is it equivalent to a servant

B: Almost

A: Doesn’t it have any decision-making power when it comes to big things?

B: It’s still a big thing. I don’t have the right to do small things

A: Listen up, if you don’t want to be a servant, just be Li Lianying; if you want to have power, learn from Wei Zhongxian!

B: Doctor, are you asking me to…………#$#@$@$#

A: (nods violently) Do big things, don’t stick to trivial matters!

B: No, no matter what, I am a man. If you are a man, you must be a real man. Doctor, in order to make me a real man, please save me

A: Then be more fierce

B: You don’t know, where is this? Where there is resistance, there is oppression. How can I be so fierce?

A: Get up, get up, sit down, sit down, sit down and say, let me tell you, drinking, drinking makes people brave. You listen to me, drink a little high. After drinking, take advantage of your great strength, find someone to block her, pick, pinch, bite, punch and kick her. I don't believe it, I can't kill her! !

B: This won’t kill anyone?

A: I also know, I mainly let you scare her. Let an old lady put on lipstick - give her some color!

B: Is this possible?

A: The dog bites the butt - gnaws the butt (definitely)! First, be ruthless, and second, be patient. If you can’t bear it, there is no need to bear it any longer! You must yell at her, yell out!

B: I know. Hey~ What's going on? Wife, no, I have no objection to you. The signal was not good just now. Oh, please invite 4 classmates to have dinner at Bishengke. Ask me to come too. Hey~~ Pay the money~~ How much is it? 880 Yeah, ah, it’s okay~ I don’t have a problem with you. I mean, treating 4 classmates to dinner for only 880 saves me a lot of money! Okay, I'll go right away! Hey, 88

Doctor, I have to pay my girlfriend right away. We had a good chat today. I will come to listen to your teachings in the future!

A: Hey, men are so useless, but this college girl is so awesome. You said the thing to do now is: men become feminized and women become savages. But, if it weren’t for this kind of man, I wouldn’t be able to make so much money. Okay, call my wife quickly and cook me some good food tonight. Oh, call me... Oh, my God, something is wrong. It must have been taken away by that kid, stop