Are there any funny jokes?

In fact, everyone is exposed to jokes. For example, I like telling jokes very much. I will always tell some jokes from time to time at various dinner parties, or tell something that can make the whole room laugh. Maybe it has something to do with my mentality. I like to read and tell jokes, which makes me look much younger than my actual age.

Do you know the Buddhist scriptures? It's a very high-level thing, but it actually contains a lot of principles of life, all expressed in a humorous way. Telling more jokes, reading more jokes, and dealing with things in a humorous way can indeed change our mentality. And many embarrassing scenes can also be resolved with humorous jokes.

Okay, let’s get to the point. Let me sort out some jokes for you.

I wonder if you have watched "The Story of Laughter"? This is a collection of jokes in the strict sense of ancient China, and its classification is based on "departments". For example, jokes about official positions are classified into the Guyan Department, jokes about monks are classified into the Monks and Taoists Department, etc. Then I will also learn from this professional joke collection and summarize the jokes for each major stage of life, so that all types of people can summarize it and make it easier for everyone to view. Campus Jokes (20)

1. Takeout

It’s very cold outside today, so the dormitory guys decide who wears less, and let him go downstairs to get takeout. When I think about it Then I'll strip naked and see how you let me go down and get it. Unexpectedly, they immediately came up to take pictures, and suddenly discovered something very scary: they threatened me to go and get it.

2. Falling out of love

My roommate was falling out of love. We all advised him to cheer up and said, "Actually, your girlfriend may not be feeling well either."

The roommate said : "Being uncomfortable proves that she still likes me, so why did she abandon me?"

"This..." I quoted from the classics, "Probably it's called giving up over joy!"

< p>3. Date

One day, the Chinese teacher was reading "Yong Yu Le·Jingkou Beigu Pavilion Nostalgia for the Past" on the podium.

I said to my deskmate: "This poem was written by Xin Qiji?"

My deskmate glanced at me and interrupted me: "How do I know? It might be Sunday Let’s go!”

4. The exam

The exam started. I picked up the paper and saw that I couldn’t understand any of the questions!

So I took the risk and picked up the textbook and rummaged through it to find the answer.

The invigilator really couldn't stand it anymore: "This student, this is a chemistry test. Why are you flipping through the physics book so hard?"

5. Lunch

This morning the dean used a loudspeaker to shout at the morning meeting: Which of your classmates has locked your bicycle with the tricycle delivering food at the entrance of the cafeteria? Please unlock it quickly! How about what do you have for lunch? !

6. Cooking

I rented a house off campus with a few classmates, and it was my turn to cook at noon.

As a result, they were all playing poker in the living room, and I became angry.

He shouted: "I have worked so hard and no one has come to stop me."

As a result, those idiots came over and lined up, and one of them hit my hand.

7. Cheating

The day before the exam, the boy said to the class beauty: "You should wear less clothes for the exam tomorrow!"

The class beauty asked in surprise: " Why?”

The boy said: “This way the invigilator only looks at you, so we can cheat!”

8. Laughing Fart

When I was in school, a classmate farted loudly during a self-study class, and the whole class laughed.

After a while, the patrolling teacher came in and asked: "Why are you smiling? You are laughing at your farts."

Suddenly the whole class burst into laughter again!

9. Allergy

In class today, the teacher was giving a lecture. A classmate sneezed very loudly. The teacher looked at the classmate and asked: Are you allergic to this knowledge? . .

Me. . . Teacher, you know this.

10. Smart

In class, the teacher said to a student who always couldn’t do it: He can’t even solve such a simple question. Even pigs are smarter than you!

Then the teacher said to me: Tell this classmate!

11. Difference

I bought a bag of apples and said to my roommates: "Each person should take an apple and eat it."

My roommates brought a bag of apples. When the bag of grapes came back, he also said to everyone: "Let each person take a grape.

"

12. Lose money

While eating in the cafeteria, I accidentally knocked over and smashed a thermos next to me. I turned around and saw a beautiful woman. I thought: It looks like it will be opened soon. It was a romantic campus love affair, and he said apologetically: "I'll make it up to you tomorrow! "

The girl showed a charming smile and said, "No need." . . Just lose money now! ”

13. Class

Roommate: Why did you come to class?

Me: I came right after I woke up~ Why did you come to class too?< /p>

The roommate rubbed his eyes and said: I can’t sleep.

14. Candy

Teacher: What products are produced in the West Indies?

My classmate: I don’t know.

Teacher: Oh, you should know. Where does your candy come from?

Classmate: I borrowed it from my neighbor.

15. Sleeping posture

One night a classmate got up and saw his classmate sleeping in a very indecent way.

The next morning he said to the classmate on the bottom bunk. : "I noticed that your sleeping posture resembles that of a marshal! ”

The classmate was overjoyed: “Thank you, can you tell me specifically which marshal it is?” "

"Marshal Canopy! ”

16. Public Service Examination

A roommate was preparing for the Civil Service Examination. After watching it for a while, he said, “Why does this exam have all kinds of questions?” . . There are astronomy, geography, humanities, and history. "

Another roommate said leisurely: "Everyone talks at work. Who can talk to you if you don't have a wide range of knowledge? . . ”

I was speechless...

17. Touched

A buddy broke his playing foot, and I led all the golfers to visit him.

When I got to the bedside, I said, "Are you touched that so many of us come to see you? "

"Don't dare to move, it hurts..."

18. Rats

The university dormitory is often visited by rats. Everyone thought of a way to put a bag of The peanut kernels and rat poison were mixed together to lure him into the trap.

The next day, they found that not a single peanut kernel was left, but not a single particle of rat poison was left.

Everyone couldn't help but sigh: "Rat." He also graduated from a bachelor’s degree! ”

19. Wishes

While the teacher was teaching, the students were chattering below.

The teacher slapped the blackboard eraser angrily, and the classroom There was a sudden silence in the room.

The teacher said: “In the past, when the county magistrate decided a case, the whole hall would fall into silence. "

Suddenly, a student shouted loudly: "It's unfair! ”

20. Accident

During the exam, I brought four cheat sheets. No matter how I looked for them when I came out, there were only two. Then the thing I was worried about finally appeared: I failed the exam.

< p>Unexpected things happened later: it was announced as a case at the student assembly. Some students couldn’t use the cheat sheet, so they just put it in the paper and handed it in...Social Jokes (20)

1. Convenience

When you poop in the woods and find that you don’t have toilet paper with you, call a friend for help

Friend: Just find a leaf and it will be solved! < /p>

Me: Damn, this is a pine forest!

2. The Master happened to catch up with a surprise inspection by Pol.ice when he passed by an Internet cafe. Several students were called out for minors' access to the Internet.

When Pol.ice asked one of them: "Occupation. "

The man replied: "Master"...

3. Shopping mall

An old lady from the country went to a big shopping mall in the city to hang out. Because The door of the shopping mall was a revolving door, so the old lady lowered her head and turned in and out.

When she looked up, she was surprised and said, "It's such a big shopping mall. It can run a car! ”

4. Steamed buns

After get off work, I went to sell steamed buns. A guy in front of me took a steamed bun, squeezed it, and shouted: “Boss, isn’t this steamed bun just out of the cage?” It's all cold. ”

The boss said disdainfully: It’s such a cold day, why don’t you take off your clothes and stand here and try it.

5. Wait a moment

In the operating room, the doctor Ask about the patient's smoking history.

"Uncle, do you smoke?"

The uncle curled his lips and said: "I'm not in the mood now, wait a minute!"

6. Express delivery

On a hot summer day, looking at the courier who was sweating profusely, I handed him a bottle of German beer. He drank it down in one gulp, burped loudly, and asked me what I wanted to send.

I said: "You drank it..."

7. Party

A: Attending a party, I saw a woman singing on the stage , it was very unpleasant to listen to, so I asked a man next to me: "Who is that, singing so unpleasantly!"

B: "That is my wife."

A: "Oh, I’m not saying that her singing is terrible, but that the person who wrote the lyrics is terrible.”

B: “I wrote the lyrics.”

A:. . . . . .

8. Repairing shoes

Me: "Master, how much does it cost to repair these shoes?"

Master: "Five yuan!"

Me: "It only costs two or three yuan to nail the shoes."

Master: "It's two yuan to nail the shoes, and the other three yuan is my mental damage fee. Young man, you are so Shoes are so annoying!"

9. Oil prices

Reporter: "What do you think about the rise in oil prices?"

Angry brother: "You can say dirty words. ”

Reporter: “Not so good!”

Angry brother: “There’s nothing to say”

10. Working overtime

An Internet company recruited a Japanese to do research and development. On the first day of work, he told his colleagues in the department: "I was an overtime maniac when I worked in Japan. I came home late every day. I hope everyone can keep up with me." "

He resigned and returned to Japan a month later. Before leaving, he said to us: "It is very inhumane for you to work overtime and sleep in the company all the time."

11. Tools

p>

A cleaner was sweeping the floor outside and suddenly wanted to go to the bank, so he rushed in with a broom.

The security guard refused to let in, and the cleaner said: "Hold some for me, don't break it. This is my means of transportation..."

12. Just in time< /p>

I was very bored. I picked up my mobile phone and remembered whether someone used my previous number.

I called and a man answered. When I was nervous, I said I was selling insurance, thinking that the other person would hang up.

As a result, the man said: "Then please give me a detailed introduction. I just want to buy it."

13. Your sister

I have an aunt , only a few years older than me. Once, my aunt and I were walking hand in hand, and we were discovered by the class teacher who was passing by. She went back to complain to my mother, saying that she saw me falling in love early. My mother asked me what happened that day, and I thought to myself. After thinking about it, I said, ask your sister... My mother suddenly twitched her mouth.

14. Buying tickets

Today I bought a ticket at the train sales point. In front of me was an old man buying a ticket. The old man said: Buy a ticket.

The ticket seller asked him for his ID card. He silently took out a household registration book and handed it to the ticket seller and asked: How many do you want?

The uncle’s domineering answer: Buy a household registration book...

15. Housing prices

House prices are actually not expensive, and bras are much more expensive than houses. A good bra costs 600 yuan and covers an area of ??only 0.02 square meters.

According to this calculation, the price of a square meter bra exceeds 30,000 yuan. Based on the national average price of commercial housing of 10,000 yuan, a bra is equivalent to three times the house price.

If we consider that the useful life of a bra is only one year, and the average lifespan of commercial housing is about several decades, the actual price of a bra is equivalent to 300 times the house price.

It can be seen that housing prices are not expensive!

16. Damn it

"Boss, how much does this jacket cost?"

"1000"

"Holy shit, so Expensive, what about the one next to it?"

"That new model, two fucks."

17. Phone calls

One person received phone calls several times. The other party always said, Secretary Wang, are you at home? I want to sit at your house.

He said it was a typo.

But a few days later, the man called again and said, Secretary Wang, are you at home? I want to sit at your house.

He was really impatient, so he said, come here.

After that, the call never came again.

18. Accounting

A citizen reported to the mayor that the excavator digging the road cracked the water pipe in front of their house, leaking a lot of water.

The mayor immediately called the water company to inquire, and then comforted the citizens and said: "Don't worry, the water company said that nothing will be missed, and it will be recorded in your bill next month."

p>

19. Changes

An economist who has been abroad for many years returned to China to give lectures. A reporter asked him, "What do you think of the domestic economic miracle?"

"It's amazing. Everyone is getting healthier and healthier. Ten years ago, it would have taken a strong man to carry rice worth 100 yuan, but now a primary school student can carry it home with one hand."

20. Guanyao

Ask: "How much does a pile of hollow bricks like this cost?"

Answer: "200 yuan."

Ask: "The captain came to buy it, why is it only 150 yuan?"

Answer: "The director came to buy it for only 50 yuan."

Ask: "Why?"

Answer: "This is an official kiln." Workplace Jokes (20)

1. Taste

Two colleagues walked side by side, and the HR manager (a beautiful woman) came over and said hello , after the HR manager walked away, one said: "It smells so good, I wonder what kind of perfume you used."

The other: "This smells either of Liushen or honeysuckle."

2 , Business card

We have hired a new MM salesperson. He is good-looking, but he has just graduated from college half a year ago and is very careless.

Today, I took her to visit a client. When exchanging business cards with the client, the client said: The business card printed this time is ugly.

MM, who had been silent on the side, interjected without hesitation: Have you printed your profile picture on your business card?

3. Songs

I work as a salesperson in a children's clothing store, and there are various children's songs playing in the store. . . Klukkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. . .

While I was standing at the door, a song started playing in the store: A pug, standing at the door. . .

4. Showdown

Boss: A donkey was disobedient during the grinding process, negotiated terms with its owner, and was skinned by the owner in the end.

Employee: A wolf was too vicious. In order to satisfy his greedy desire, he killed all the sheep on the grassland. In the end, he also starved to death.

5. Speech

When the new leader took office, he gave a report and read the speech incessantly, starting from January, February, and all the way to December. When he looked down, there was no one in the audience!

The leader asked the secretary in surprise: "When did everyone leave?"

The secretary replied: "Starting in February, there will be no one by the end of July."

p>

6. Surprise

Price continues to rise, but wages have never increased. I decided to find an opportunity to attack our stingy boss.

At noon, I met the boss in the elevator. I had nothing to say and said: "Oh, the price of meat has gone up recently, and vegetables are also extremely expensive. Life is hard!"

The boss turned his head and looked at me with a thoughtful expression. I was secretly happy. It seemed that my words had attracted the boss's attention.

In the afternoon, the company issued a notice: In view of the recent increase in meat and vegetable prices, lunch will be changed from two meat and one vegetable to one meat and one vegetable.

7. Eat

I went to the bathroom before lunch today, and I happened to see the boss coming out, so I asked casually: "Have you eaten?"

The boss He smiled and didn't answer.

I suddenly realized that I had said the wrong thing.

Then I went to the canteen to eat, where the boss was also queuing up for food. In order to make up for my mistake, I bravely said hello: "I haven't eaten yet, I thought you had eaten."

8. Puppy

After lunch today, everyone gathered in the manager’s office to chat.

While chatting, the topic turned to the names of various pets.

The manager asked me: "What is your puppy's name?"

I said: "Big name bonus, small name year-end bonus, nickname is holiday fee."

9. Plan

After working hard for a year, I am looking forward to getting more bonuses at the end of the year and having a happy New Year. Unexpectedly, I received a notice from the Finance Department at the end of the year: the annual prize will be distributed in June of the following year. . .

10. Let’s eat

The company is going to hold an anniversary dinner. The chairman asks the newly appointed manager to speak before the dinner and tells him that there are two requirements for speaking: 1. , Must have the demeanor of a leader; 2. Must have a charge-in-the-battle slogan. The manager nodded and agreed.

Before the dinner that day, the manager came to the stage to speak. He raised his right hand high, then waved it down hard and said: "Get ready, let's eat!"

11. Collecting money

On this day, the boss asked the cashier about the payment status.

Boss: "How about I ask you to take the gorilla out to help you collect money? Will it work?"

Cashier: "There is good news and bad news. I will collect the money today." The payment is more than what I usually collect in a week.”

Boss: “So what’s the bad news?”

Cashier: “The money is still in Gorilla’s hand. Here, I won’t come back.”

12. Misunderstanding

My uncle worked in construction and was fired recently. I asked him what happened.

"Do you know what a foreman does? He just stands by and watches others work."

"What does this have to do with you being fired?" I don't understand.

The uncle explained, "He is jealous because everyone thinks I am the foreman."

13. Insurance

Someone ran to the insurance in a panic company, and said to the staff: "Please help me apply for property insurance immediately."

The staff asked: "Why are you in such a hurry?"

He said angrily: "What the hell? "The house is filled with smoke, can you not be in a hurry?"

14. Wit

In the research institute, a certain department wanted to buy a refrigerator to store test samples, so he gave it to his superiors. I filed a report, but the result was not approved.

When Corey's old employee Yang Gong saw this, he suggested to the section chief: "You can try replacing the 'refrigerator' with an 'artificial intelligence temperature regulator'."

The section chief complied, and within a few days, the report was approved: "Agreed."

15. Foreigners

Xiao Sun in the office picked up a wallet in the cafeteria. He found the money and returned the wallet to its owner, a foreign employee.

The foreigner was so moved that he wrote a letter of thanks and posted it on the bulletin board.

As a result, every employee who passed the bulletin board couldn't help laughing.

The original title of the thank you letter is: Look at the good things Xiao Sun has done!

16. Drinking

An employee in the office was drinking at work. The manager saw it and asked angrily: "Why are you drinking during working hours?"

The employee replied: "Sorry, manager, I am commemorating the 10th anniversary of the last salary increase."

17. Applause

The manager had a hemorrhoid surgery, and colleagues made an appointment Went to the hospital to visit him together. Seven or eight people, men and women, came to the ward. They all giggled at the manager, and no one was too embarrassed to ask about his condition.

The driver, Lao Zhang, coughed twice and asked the manager seriously: "I heard that there was something wrong with the chassis. Are you feeling better now?"

18. Flies

"Manager, there are so many flies in your toilet that we can't get in!"

"Next time, don't go to the toilet early in the morning."

"Then when should we go?"

"The best time is noon, when all the flies are in the restaurant."

19. Results

< p>After returning to the work after the physical examination today, Lao Zhang looked sad and asked what was going on. He said: My son did not do well in the exam. Ask him how many points he got in the exam.

Lao Zhang said: The three courses combined are not as high as my blood pressure.

20. Ringtone

One day, not long after lunch, I heard the opening song of CCTV News Network. I stood up suddenly and shouted: MD! Worked overtime until 7 o'clock again!

Then I saw my boss coming out of his office, carrying his bag, and rushing towards the elevator. As he walked, he said: It’s already 7 o’clock, why didn’t the kindergarten teacher call me to pick him up? A child?

At this time, I heard a colleague behind me whisper: This is my cell phone ringtone. . . Love Jokes (20)

1. Confession

A buddy fell in love with a girl, and on the evening of Valentine's Day, he asked the girl out for a couple's meal.

After drinking a few glasses of red wine, he took advantage of the wine and boldly asked: "You...can you be my girlfriend?"

The girl didn't even think about it. Without thinking, he shook his head firmly.

The buddy was very sad, picked up his coat, said "bye" to the girl and left.

Unexpectedly, after walking a few steps, the girl shouted loudly from behind: "I love you."

He was very excited and hurried back to the dining table and looked at it with a smile. He was looking at the girl, but the girl said to him quietly: "Hey, you, you haven't paid for the meal yet."

2. Tattoo

A classmate, he was in junior high school Dropped out of school. Yesterday I asked: Do you know how to wash tattoos?

I asked: What happened?

He said: I met a girl named Xia'er a while ago. She was so beautiful. I fell hopelessly in love with her and was willing to give everything for her, so I tattooed her name on my arm with ink. It hurt for several days!

I asked: Why do you need to wash it again?

He said: Damn it, I just found out today that her name is "Xia You".

3. Text messages

Today on a whim, I sent a text message to tease my husband: "Handsome guy, I have been paying attention to you for a long time. Come out and have a meal together."

I was thinking He would cooperate and say yes or where to go, but the guy replied, "Your sister, who are you sending this to?"

4. Mandarin ducks

My boyfriend and I went to the park to play. By the park lake, I saw a pair of mandarin ducks swimming in the water.

I was so envious that I couldn’t help but fall in love with the scene. I grabbed my boyfriend’s hand and said affectionately: “Dear, let us be like this pair of mandarin ducks in this life, swimming in this ocean of love forever. Okay?”

After hearing this, the boyfriend burst out laughing, and then said in a puzzled manner: “How could a mandarin duck swim into the ocean? Unless it was hit with a stick!”< /p>

5. Characteristics

My buddy introduced me to a blind date and asked me what kind of girl I like.

I said: "I don't know either."

He said: "Think about the same characteristics of the girls you have liked."

I thought about it and found out: "I have liked many girls, but the only thing they have in common is that they don't like me!"

6. Love River

A friend asked A depressed man: Lost in love?

Man: No, I'm in love.

Friend: Then you should be happy?

Man: The river of love is too deep and I can’t swim. She pushed me down and ran away!

7. Conditions

A boy wooed his girlfriend crazily, and the girlfriend said: "I will marry you if you agree to three conditions."

Question No. On one condition, the girlfriend said: "I hope to see your photo in the newspaper."

The boy said: "This is easy to handle." After that, he spent money to publish a photo search in the newspaper. People set things off and pass the test.

Asked about the second condition, the girlfriend said: "I hope to see you on TV."

The boy said: "It's a bit difficult, but it doesn't bother me. ." After that, he stayed at the door of the TV station every day and acted as a bystander at the scene of a car accident. He was on camera and passed the test.

Asked about the third condition, my girlfriend said: "I want to see your face on the banknotes."

. .

8. Hair style

One day a boy sent a text message to his girlfriend: "Your hair style is different today"

The girlfriend said: "Oh, I have a perm." After a while, he replied: "Ah! Is it serious?" 9. Cooking

It's my turn tonight. It’s time for my girlfriend to cook.

My girlfriend brought a tray and said: Please turn over the label for whatever you want to eat.

I saw four signs on the tray that read: Stewed Chicken with Mushrooms, Braised Pork Ribs with Green Onions, Beef Brisket with Tomatoes, and Braised Beef.

Can I have them all? My girlfriend said: It’s okay, I’m afraid you won’t be able to eat it.

If I say I can’t eat, you won’t give me pocket money!

After a while, my girlfriend brought four bowls of Master Kong instant noodles and she was like, fuck...

10. Good night

"Good night."

p>

"Good night. Is it so early today?"

"It's fake, I lied to you.

”

11. Fever

My girlfriend had a fever of 39.8 degrees and cried: I am going to burn into a fool.

I comforted: No, I was a child. The fever was over 40 degrees!

My girlfriend saw that I was crying even more, and asked me while crying: Am I as stupid as you?

12. Things.

My boyfriend called and said, "Do you miss me?" ”

Me: “I don’t want to.” ”

Boyfriend: “What’s going on? Is it past the shelf life?” "

Me: "Things have a shelf life, not to mention you are not a thing! "

Boyfriend...

13. Fear

I was injured a little today. My boyfriend accompanied me to have an MRI. I said: "I I’m claustrophobic and so scared! ”

He said to me unceremoniously: “Why are you being pretentious!” You still have cabin fever. When you try on clothes in the fitting room, I can see that you just want to stay in there and not come out. "

14. Scumbag

Girlfriend: "To be honest, you are so good at flirting, have you flirted with many people? "

Me: "Yes. ”

Girlfriend: “Humph, I knew it, you scumbag!” "

Me: "I have flirted with many women. They are: you who used to cry the most, you who couldn't guess the problem, you who were sentimental, and you who were at the same table. ”

15. Waiting

My girlfriend wanted to go shopping. I waited for her on the side of the road for half an hour before I saw her walking over and said: Hi, handsome guy, my water can’t be squeezed out. It's open, can you unscrew it for me?

I looked at the envious eyes around me and said: Old man, look at your walking style, you can carry a bag of rice up the stairs without any trouble. Shall I screw you?

16. Living

One day, the man didn’t like the woman anymore, but he didn’t know how to say it. , he finally got up the courage to say to the woman: Honey! I really don’t know how to survive without you.

Female: Really?

Male: Of course. Really, I want to try it tomorrow.

17. Like

“Dear, honestly, do you like beautiful girls? Or a smart girl? "

"I am not interested in any of them, because I only like you! ”

18. Breakup

Female: “Can we be friends after we break up?” ”

Male: “No”

Female: “Huh, I didn’t expect you to be such a heartless person. We are not suitable for being together. Let’s break up!” "

Male: "That. . . What if it could? ”

Female: “Oh, let’s break up.” ”

19. Happiness

Male: “Believe me... I will make you the second happiest person in the world!” ”

Female: “Why not first?” ． ． ? "(pretending to be cute)

Male: "With you...I am the happiest person! "(Slight smile)

20. Reason

My boyfriend is much older than me. One day I asked him if he would have chosen me if he had met me a few years earlier. He Answer: No.

I was very unhappy and asked: Why?

He said: Because I am afraid of the Minors Protection Law. Couple Jokes (20)

1. Packaging

The husband bought a TV and there were various symbols on the packaging.

The wife asked: "Why is there a wine glass on the packaging? ”

The husband said: “You still don’t understand this, that is to say, you need to drink while watching TV, otherwise you will not be able to watch TV well.” "

2. Playing cards

In the middle of the night, the wife walked from the second floor to the living room on the first floor. She saw her husband still playing cards with his gambling friends, so she said to them: "Listen. , can you let me sleep peacefully in my own house for a while? "

The husband shushed and said: Keep your voice down, honey, this house is no longer ours...

3. Mahjong

Husband: “Why did you spend my hard-earned money so easily? ”

Wife: “I felt very nervous when I was using the money. "

Husband: "Really? I made the mistake of blaming you. What did you do with it? "

Wife: "Play mahjong. ”

4. Buy chicken

Today I took my wife to the supermarket for shopping.

My wife wanted to eat grilled chicken legs, and I said, "Go and ask them whether the chicken legs they sell are front legs or rear legs. We only buy the rear legs, the front legs are not delicious."

My wife fell into the trap. Peipianpidian ran to the salesperson selling chicken legs and asked: "Is this chicken leg a front leg or a hind leg?"

Salesperson: "I don't know...it should be a hind leg."

p>

5. Wrinkles

Wife: “Look at you, you are so young but you have so many wrinkles on your forehead!”

Husband: “Really? How many wrinkles are there? ?”

Wife: “Wearing a hat is like tightening a screw”

6. Quarrel

Wife: “You can’t find it even with a lantern. Better than me."

Husband: "I came to you with a lantern."

The wife was happy after hearing this.

Then the husband said: "I didn't open my eyes."

7. Pants

In the morning, the husband said to his wife: "My dear, give me Have your pants been ironed?"

"Isn't that right? I had three hundred yuan in my pants pocket yesterday, why are they still there now?"

< p>8. Missing me

When the husband came back from a business trip, his wife asked: "It's been so long since I came back. Did you miss me outside?"

"How can I not think about it? After a month's business trip, For 30 days, I was thinking about it every day!”

My wife jumped up when she heard this: “Okay, you heartless person, it was 31 days last month, who are you thinking about on the other day?” ”

9. Debate

I talked about marriage with my wife that day. I firmly support polygamy, but my wife is furious, saying that men and women are equal, and since there is polygamy, there should also be polyandry.

I remembered the wonderful metaphor of the sage Gu Hongming, and I taught him a lesson: "I have only seen a bottle of wine matched with several wine glasses. When have you ever seen a wine glass matched with several bottles of wine?"

The wife said coldly: "While drinking cocktails."

over...

10. Doing evil

Husband: How much cultivation did I have in my previous life? What a blessing it is to find such a wonderful wife like you!

Wife: It’s not your blessing, it’s because I committed too many sins in my previous life!

11. Security

Wife: "Husband, you have given me so much sense of security over the years and made me live a very secure life..."

Me Said: "Dear, you have never confessed to me, is it true?"

The wife smiled evilly: "At least there are two aspects."

I asked: " Which two aspects?"

The wife said: "One has no looks and two has no money."

12. Experience

That day, my wife happily told me: "I submitted a resume today, and I am a matchmaker from a matchmaking agency. I will have an interview tomorrow morning, wish me good luck!"

The next day, my face was full of dissatisfaction, and I asked: "Failed to apply? I knew it. "

Wife: "It's all your fault."

I wonder: "What does this have to do with me?"

My wife is angry. The company stipulates that a matchmaker must have more than three years of dating experience, but we got married after only one year of dating."

13. Playing chess

The wife asked: "Husband, what are you doing. Don’t you want to play chess with Lao Wang anymore?”

Husband: “Are you willing to play chess with someone who is arrogant when he wins and curses when he loses?”

“ Oh, of course not," the wife understood.

Husband: "He is not willing to sleep with such a person."

14. Take photos

The couple went to the photo studio to take a commemorative photo. When taking pictures, the photographer said to the woman: "You come closer and put your hands on your husband's shoulders. This way the photo will look more natural."

The man smiled bitterly: "If you want to take a more realistic photo She should put her hand in my wallet."

15. Marriage

Mr.: Why is the coffee so bitter?

Mrs.: I gave you two pieces of candy, why is it still bitter?

Sir: Yes?

Mrs.: Then they are probably married.

16. Sympathy

Wife: "Because no one else sympathizes with you, I became your wife."

Husband: "You are successful now ! Now everyone pities me for it.

”

17. Certification

Wife: Is the birth certificate ready?

Husband: It’s done. I was worried at first because the marriage certificate was wrinkled. Well, will others laugh?

Wife: What happened next?

Husband: I think the marriage certificate of the previous brother was a puzzle.

18. Goal

When the couple was eating, the wife said: "How can you eat all the meat on the back of the fish now? I remember when we were in love, you loved eating fish heads and tails the most..."

"The situation is different! The husband said: "Now my goal is to eat fish, but at that time my goal was to fish." ”

19. Integrity

It is said that there was a county magistrate who was afraid of his wife. He was chased by his wife and hid under the bed in embarrassment.

The wife then knocked He shouted loudly from the edge of his bed: "Come out quickly, come out quickly!" "

The county magistrate said: "A man, a real man, if you can't say it, you won't come out! "

20. Talking in sleep

The wife said to her husband with concern: "Husband, you have been talking in your sleep lately. How about I accompany you to the hospital for a physical check-up? "

The husband replied in panic: "No, if the doctor cures this problem for me, then I will have no right to speak at home! ”

Finally, it took me almost 2 hours to sort out. Of course, these are compiled and optimized based on Internet collection, and I have read them all and filtered them. The quality is definitely good. You can save it and take a look at it when you have nothing to do to cheer up your mood.