Old dreams in the south of the city

I once again returned to Cheng Nan, with the fatigue of the journey and a trace of nostalgia for my hometown.

I haven't returned to Nan for five years.

Carrying a heavy suitcase, I came out of the passenger station and felt a little carsick. I have been rubbing my temples gently.

Father has been waiting for me for a long time. He is never late to pick me up.

"Ah Kai, you are back!" My father didn't hug me, but his eyes suddenly turned red. Father is not good at expression, so hugging must be a very shy thing for him. But instead, he grabbed my suitcase neatly and walked forward, leaving me alone to catch up.

"Dad, let me do it! Your son has grown up and has great strength! " I said, reaching for the wand of the password box, but he wouldn't let go.

Stubborn as usual.

With my father's motorcycle in the back seat, I can ride Cheng Nan again. From the passenger station to the farmer's market, from the gas station to the county government, and then through the People's Hospital and the subsequent County No.1 Middle School, it almost crosses and runs through the whole of Cheng Nan.

The streets have been widened a lot, and the newly installed street lamps are like past direction lights, marking the sky of the city;

Small shops on the street, complete in style, have lit up the night light before the end of the day;

In the bustling crowd, private cars of various varieties and colors filed by on the gradually wide avenue;

In the evolution of Guang Yun, the old tile house was pushed away and replaced by a set of multi-storey hardcover buildings.

Yes, it has changed a lot. As described by friends in the circle of friends, Cheng Nan is developing and moving towards a modern metropolis.

But I feel panic for no reason.

It was just dark when I got home when Hiroko called.

"An Kai, I heard that your boy came back and went out for a ride."

"Tomorrow, my mother is dredging my bones and muscles." Every time I take the bus, I feel sick. I can't get rid of this disease unless my mother rubs it with her hands.

"Don't talk nonsense, brother. I have driven to the intersection of your alley. Come out! "

I know hiroko's one track mind. If he doesn't see me tonight, he will probably blow up his cell phone. I quickly changed my clothes and rushed out.

He was taken to the street again. Hiroko bought a box of beer, some meat and vegetables. He said that his girlfriend and some friends would come later, and everyone would have a barbecue on the playground of Cheng Nan Middle School.

"Do you smoke?" Hiroko tentatively asked me.

"It's smoking!" I picked up a cigarette and lit a fire.

"Ah! Yes, Kai Zi, you have changed and become a man. "

"Nonsense! I was a man twenty-four years ago! " I was very angry and vomited a smoke ring at him.

Then his friends came one after another, three men and four women, including him, all in pairs. I know them too. They graduated from the same middle school before, and they all called out their names, but they didn't play well together and were not very familiar with each other.

I sat by and warmed myself.

"Come on, let's chat, Kay." One of the girls said.

"An Kai, you said that you are 24 years old and haven't found a girlfriend. Aren't you getting married? "

"I'm not busy getting married. I want to play for a few more years while I am young! " I'm just saying.

In fact, what I am most afraid of when I go home is that others ask me about marriage, buying a house and salary. Awkward. My Achilles ankle, so to speak. I feel that in the years when I went out to study, I obviously lagged behind my friends who entered the society first in the pace of getting married and starting a family. Sometimes I even feel that I have studied for many years and finally achieved nothing. When they are fully equipped, almost all of them are full of children and grandchildren, I am still worrying about finding a job with higher salary day and night. If you are not careful, you will be told by three relatives and four relatives that you are not good at reading.

"Cheng Nan man, 25, not married, is an old man. You weigh it yourself! "

"Hehehehe."

"Not afraid of others gossiping?" His girlfriend said with a smile.

"Shall I introduce you to one?" One of them called Xiao Dong said.

"ah! The meat is cooked! It smells good! Come and eat meat! Eat meat! " I dug out a large piece of roast beef from the fire and took the opportunity to change the subject. Thank God for sending these beef to help me solve the problem.

Hiroko turned to refuel, put vegetables on the shelf, and the whole person was busy in the smoke. Three or two times is full of sweat.

"Hiroko is really a good man in the family, Molly, you are blessed!" Woody cherry has a sharp voice, like an enlarged version of a mosquito.

"Mm-hmm, I only agreed to marry him because he is a good cook."

"You dare to swear that you don't like hiroko because of his gigolo. This beautiful boy, Gay will like it when he sees it! "

"That's enough! You and me, you and me. Jiangcheng is also a gigolo! "

"Hiroko! Come here quickly! Eat these together before baking! "

So Hiroko is willing to put down his work and sit down.

"You can eat, but I can't buy any more!" He wiped his sweat. "Today, my good brother An Kai came back. Let's have fun! "

"come on Let's drink first! " Hiroko takes the lead.

Then everyone raised their beer bottles, formed a small circle and bumped into each other loudly.

-"cheers!"

The collision of bottles resounded through the empty old playground of my alma mater at night.

Like ripples in a faded dream of the old year.

In the smoke, I remembered the summer when we graduated. Hiroko, the girl he liked at that time and I were naked. At that time, the three of us spent the last preparation time in this playground.

At that time, Haozi liked the fast building. He chased her for three years, but Kuailou never promised him.

The three of us played together, went to school together, recited words together, and had dinner together at the playground after class. Before Hiroko took part in the sports meeting, we also threw discus on the lawn with him for half a month.

"An Kai! Run! Here comes the invincible flying saucer! " When she started, Hiroko yelled at me in front of her.

"You throw it! I can't get it. " I am still light.

It's blue, and it seems to be washed with Libai washing powder every day. This metaphor comes from Hiroko. It was a sunny day. After playing the ball, he pointed to the sky in one breath and said to the naked man sitting on the edge of the stadium and me, "Look! Blue is like washing with white laundry detergent. "

You look at me face to face, roll your eyes contemptuously, and then smile happily.

"An Kai, you are so thin. If I fight with someone, who will help me! "

"I want to call the police!" I said.

"Call the police have a fart to use! Some things need to be solved by force. "

"Then I will fight with them!" I said it again.

When you are young, you will become brave because of one person. He may be someone you like, your best friend, or even an enemy who hates you.

The phoenix in May is in full swing, as if to burn all summer. Occasionally, there will be quiet boys or girls standing on the rooftop looking at the distance for a long time, which is the most sad season. I received a short message in English class that day, but that short sentence was strong enough to shake my mobile phone out of the desk hole.

"pa!"

The voice is clear enough to wake people from their dreams.

The scanner hanging on the head teacher's nose swept at me instantly. I didn't move.

In the panic, it was Hiroko the long hand who leaned down and picked up the mobile phone from the ground. Then he looked at the interface.

Information from you:

-An Kai, actually, I like you. I have always regarded hiroko as my brother.

I think I'll never forget Hiroko's eyes at that time. That is a kind of despair that has never been seen before. It's like the ashes of a bomb fell into his once clear pupil, so strange and so far away, as if it were blooming in the time and space hundreds of millions of light years away from me.

He didn't say anything. I turned to look out of the window after returning my cell phone.

The teacher is staring, and I can only write a note to Hiroko.

I wrote: Hiroko, I have nothing with her. Forget it. I also hope that the person she likes is you.

It was a long time before he turned around and told me it didn't matter. I will always be his good brother. But at that moment, I clearly saw his disguise and strength, and even the whole person fell into those red eyes like phoenix flowers. Eyes don't lie.

I think Hiroko must hate me. It's like gnashing your teeth to get rid of the itchy scar on his ankle.

But the days that followed were strangely calm, as if nothing had happened. The lawn is green, and he squatted on it with a geography shorthand booklet and asked us loudly and idiotically, "When will the summer monsoon cross the Mediterranean?" .

When! When! When!

When the last bell rang through the campus street, we all knew that we had graduated.

Graduated.

There is a heavy ecstasy. Everyone can feel it.

It's finally over. 1087 days and nights of ups and downs, 12 quarters of alternating cold and warm, and three years of youth, accompanied by the heavy examination room bell, will soon be over.

The long-drawn-out battle is finally over. This battle is too long, which makes people a little unaccustomed to the strong and heavy sense of relaxation that will end at this moment.

Senior three was on the top floor. At that moment, the whole floor went crazy. In order to express their inner joy, they tore up the test paper, kneaded the review materials into a ball and scattered them from the top floor of the teaching building. Suddenly, a snow-white rain fell on the whole teaching building.

The deep voice of the campus announcer is constantly filled with "Happy graduation!"

In the evening, the school organized all the graduates to sing in KTV, but the three of us didn't go. We stayed on the playground and set off fireworks. Hiroko bought some beer, but he almost drank it all by himself, because neither you nor I had enough.

After graduation, the school guards relaxed their vigilance and didn't care about us setting off fireworks on the playground.

"I failed the exam, so I guess I can only go home to work." Hiroko shook the liquid in the green bottle and said, "An Kai, you two are together and go to the same university." Then drink it all at once.

"But I don't like it!" This is probably the first time I have said such rude things to someone who likes me so directly.

Then you cried. The muscles on her face were squeezed together in pain, but there was no sound, just like Barbie, who was singing but lost her voice when the battery was running out.

I realized in hindsight that I was actually not a good person.

I was the one who fought with Hiroko that night. I never fought back, but tried my best to stop the heartbreaking pain of his falling again and again. Sometimes, I'm afraid of my explosive power. I believe that a forbearing person is fiercer than anyone else. If I want to fight back, he will definitely get hurt.

"Why the fuck don't you fight back? An Kai, you coward! "

"Hiroko, if you hate me, you can hit me hard. I won't fight back. I said I would fight for you. " I said.

"Stop fighting!" The chaos was mixed with screams with tears.

I don't know how I came back later. What I know is that we graduated, and I sat in bed in the middle of the night, and the trace in my eyes was enough to tear my pain. It's like an ice needle spinning into my temple.

As he expected, Hiroko was not admitted to the university, but Kuai was admitted to the famous K University in the province, and I went to Beijing.

There are always some things in life that take us by surprise. Under its sudden extension, our previous expectations, plans, struggles and protests will all look pale and powerless.

It was September when I left, and Hiroko went to see me off. He told me that you still like me. He doesn't hate me at all. "There is nothing wrong with loving someone, and there is nothing wrong with being loved. What is wrong is that people who love and are loved are not just two people who have just fallen in love. " He said. He asked me to keep in touch with you more, even as a favor, and don't let you feel that our friendship has broken down because of that.

I said yes. Then I got on the train to Beijing.

I was eighteen years old that year, and with all my youthful and frivolous dreams, I went from south to north against the chaotic time.

One afternoon two years later, I got a call from Hiroko again, and the sunshine was particularly bright. Immerse yourself in the library at night and consult the practice materials of classical literature class. The teacher valued me very much and gave me a lesson for four hours.

"You're back ... you know ... she's married ... but the groom is not me." He talks off and on, just like a card player. I think hiroko's eyes must have become the ashes of a bomb again at this moment.

"Hiroko, you must have her reasons for doing so. Don't be too sad. " I said, but actually I can't help feeling sorry for him.

"She didn't invite me to the wedding reception. Do you know? " Hiroko joked that "women are unreliable, or our brother relationship is lasting."

"Ha ha ha, fuck you," I said. I know Hiroko will be heartbroken at that time, but instead of being hysterical by the waves in her heart, it is better to let fake laughter cover it up. I know that after graduation, he hasn't found a girlfriend, just because he is still waiting to go back.

"Ha ha ha, then find a girlfriend quickly," Hiroko said. "Bring it back and get married together."

"Well, I'll try to find it." I said.

Actually, I've been scared. I'm afraid of growing up, getting married, and what we will be like as adults. If only time could stay in our middle school days. In that case, I'd rather be bullied by thick papers every day, and I'd rather be the thin, silent and pale An Kai all the time.

……

"Ah! An Kai, what are you doing? The meat is almost burnt! " Hiroko grabbed the grill in my hand and roared at me.

"Oh, I wonder how delicious this meat will be when it is cooked."

"You idiot!"

Then fireworks were set off in the fields not far away. It must be a store opened, or an anniversary, or someone setting off fireworks to show their love. Fireworks rise, scatter, flow, overflow, fall and disappear in clusters in the air, just like the whole process of youth.

"How beautiful!" The girls were surprised and took out their mobile phones to take pictures.

Just then, someone's cell phone rang. This is a beautiful bell. It's "I suddenly miss you" on May Day.

After such rendering, everyone can't help singing in unison.

Suddenly miss you/where will you be/my happiness or grievance/suddenly miss you/suddenly respond forcefully/suddenly blur my eyes. ...

Singing, singing, drinking. Crisp crash-cheers.

After drinking a case of beer and several bottles of white wine, it's almost time to break up at eleven o'clock in the evening. The wine bottle was upside down, and people were slightly drunk. Everyone began to talk about wine boldly.

"Put, I said, you are so unreasonable! We are getting married soon, and you didn't give me a big gift! "

Molly, my husband has no money, so I have no money, you know.

"What to say! Qijia, do you think I am poor? "

"Nonsense! My good sister is getting married, and I don't have any gifts for her, so I will dislike you, won't I? "

"yes! Lu Jun, if you get married, I won't give gifts! "

"An Kai, you are a scholar. Tell them that we are poor and poor, but do we still need something in return? Are we friends enough? "

Before I could speak, the family rushed to say it.

"Molly, I feel that An Kai is having an affair with your Haozi. They have something! "

"I would have seen it. The man I saw in Molly is so good that even men like him. Don't you think so? Ha ha ha ha "

"Yes, yes!"

"An Kai, you look so beautiful, I tell you, women will be jealous. Don't think we didn't doubt you. All the women in this town chew their tongues after dinner! Say! Are you gay? ! "Molly said it again, and then she gave a rude and scary laugh when she was drunk.

"Are you? Ha ha ha, then I really want to compete with you for Hiroko. What do you do? " I also pretended to be drunk and cooperated with them, and the wind was light and the clouds were light. In fact, over the years, no matter how much I drank, even if I was too drunk to stand still, my consciousness was extremely clear, and I wouldn't talk nonsense after drinking.

"Then I will hate you for a lifetime. An Kai. " Molly pointed at me.

After the rest, they each put their girlfriends in the car and sent them back, leaving me alone. Hiroko said, you sit here for a while and I'll take Molly home to pick you up.

After they left, I was left sitting on the playground alone. The playground was abandoned and ignored, and both sides were covered with grass. The grass is lush and almost crazy, occupying the edge of the cement block. Leng Yue looks at the playground, and I look at the playground. Suddenly, the years were in a trance, and I remembered those days in college.

There was a football field in the school that was almost completed but suddenly stopped. The runway was not finished. There is a plastic lawn in the center of the field. The sun is shining green and the wind is blowing silently on it. The football field is surrounded by high guardrails and locked by huge chains. So few people set foot on it.

When I walk alone in the afternoon, I will take advantage of the campus security guard's inattention, buckle the net, climb over the high wall and lie on the lawn with my eyes facing the sun.

I remembered the time with Hiroko and Kuailou. In those days, we recited words on the lawn, threw discus, ate, watched games, cheered, went to physical education class, watched the May 4th party, set off fireworks, drank, fought and wept. Under the strong light, the details of those distant times are as clear and criss-crossed as the lines of the football field net. I have to buckle my palm on it urgently, lift myself up, climb, flip, fasten, slide down and jump by gravity, and return to the reciprocating movement for countless days and nights, which makes my palm ache.

One night, I was lying on the lawn with headphones, listening to Yoga Lin's Sadness. He sang in a psychedelic and sad voice:

An endless long lane/once so long playground/endless wound of time/what happened in after making love/what was taken from me/what was taken away/closed my eyes/the last sunset/beautiful like a regret/profligate sadness/young soldiers in chaos/we scattered out of order. ...

I shed tears quietly.

Nobody saw me. I sneaked in.

……

Fireworks were set off in the field again, and this time I was the only one who saw them.

Then there was the sound of a motorcycle coming towards me. It's hiroko coming back.

"Can I help you?" He said evil.

"Let's go! Brother, I can drink well! "

"Time is a can of wine, and it sinks you!"

"Come on up!" He said.

Then we went back to my home through Cheng Nan. He drives very slowly, just like we used to read books and ride bicycles across the street. In summer, our school uniform is blue and white, and the bicycle chain creaks.

"Hiroko! Stop the car! " I called him when I got to the South Tianqiao.

"What's the matter?"

"Stop the car! I'm going to vomit! "

I threw up on the bridge railing as soon as I got off the bus. Nanjiang is fast-flowing. Like the sound of time. I think I threw up the whole river.

Hiroko patted me on the back.

"Better?" He asked me.

I didn't say anything.

"Better? Xiao Kai. "

Then I turned and hugged Hiroko and cried loudly.

After all these years, I am still often afraid.

I'm afraid of change, leaving, growing up, indifference, aging, doing nothing all my life, and dreaming of becoming the ashes of such a bomb in your eyes.

So I evaded, evaded work, evaded eating, evaded marriage, evaded buying a house, evaded responsibility, and even evaded myself, and then escaped to the playground where we were both sixteen or seventeen years old, and escaped to the war-torn years.

On the playground, you smiled. You see, the sky has been washed by Libai washing powder.

At that time, you say, An Kai, actually I like you. I just regard hiroko as my brother.

On that page, I wrote, Hiroko, how I wish she liked you.

After a long time, Hiroko patted me on the shoulder and said, you have to be strong. You have always been my best brother.

At midnight, Cheng Nan was empty and all was silent. We all sat on the dock for a long time without talking.

Two rows of hotels along the river are flashing neon and reflected on the river. With the sound of water, they spread ripples in the distance.

The motorcycle leaps again, and it feels like riding on horseback through the silent world.

I said, Hiroko, thank you for your hospitality tonight.

Fuck you, An Kai. You're welcome.

Six years later, do you still like you? I said.

I like it. What about you? Still don't like her. I know she must have called you later.

I shook my head. But I don't think he can see me and shake my head.

Outsiders say that Chengnan people really celebrate the New Year and can eat and drink for half a month in a row. In fact, only our children who grew up here know that Cheng Nannian is different.

After the New Year, I left Cheng Nan in a hurry and got on the train to Beijing.

I didn't tell hiroko, and I didn't tell you. When I learned that I was leaving soon the other day, you kept saying on QQ that you wanted to see me and see me off. She said she would make up for her absence that year. But I'm afraid she will cry again.

Rumble-

The train runs from south to north.

I almost forgot that Cheng Nan is also a city through which trains pass.

In the carriage, the lights were ambiguous and I fell asleep soon.

The bumps of the journey make people sleepy. Sleeping on the train is probably the best way to pass the time.

When I woke up, it was one o'clock in the morning, and I couldn't identify which city was outside. The light dimmed at night.

In the darkness, I remembered the fireworks I saw alone after the crowd dispersed that night. In fact, there is only one, which may be a manufacturing error. It is a lonely flower, blooming alone, just like myself.

I rolled over, dug out the book "Passing Through Your World" on the pillow, put it in my handbag, then pulled up the quilt and sank deeper.

I mused that the old dream in the south of the city will always be a dream.

(End)