Under the feeling that strange goods can live in, taking express delivery is like reuniting with your long-lost flesh and blood.

Introduction: Laziness is a good excuse, as if you can really do great things as long as you are diligent. Being fat is a good excuse. It seems that if you lose weight, you can really look good. It seems that you don't want to fall in love. It seems that you really want to be seen if you want to fall in love. It seems that you can really have much promise when you are mature!

1, college male. On the first day of freshman year, one of my high school classmates said that her sister had been admitted to our school and asked me to accept it. I received my sister, and the first thing she said to me was: Senior, I have someone I like ... Shit, I messed around for three seconds, and then she said, Don't worry, junior, I won't rob you. ...

2. I didn't like studying in junior high school, and I played mobile phones in class. My deskmate, a sister, watched while I was playing with my mobile phone. The teacher saw us hanging our heads in class and asked me, What are you doing? I said, my pants are unzipped. Let's see if it can zip up. Then the teacher asked my deskmate: What were you looking at when he zipped up? Then the girl never spoke to me again. ...

3. After reading the theorem, it feels like ... I've heard a lot of truth, but I still can't pass it.

My roommate asked me today, "Why don't you play basketball when you are so tall?" I didn't say anything, and then I said, "You won't ask me why I'm so short and don't sell biscuits, will you?" My brother just said faintly, "Do you still want to sleep in Pan Jinlian like that B?"

I went to the bathroom to smoke, and suddenly the music of the little apple started, so I couldn't help jumping up. After about 30 seconds, the weak one behind said, buddy, have you finished dancing? I can answer the phone after dancing. ...

6, you guys eat hot pot, go to the supermarket to buy meat dishes, all kinds of small balls, I don't know which two goods have picked up a lot of Yuanxiao, and the spicy pot becomes sweet in an instant. ...

7. I had a fight with my classmates and made an appointment. The other party found a dozen people, so I had to call my brother. My brother drove a broken car and got off to find each other. Two slaps, one foot falls. Then he came up to me and said, damn it, you're looking for so many people. I said, no, he found all this. Then my brother turned blue.

8. In the evening, everyone watches TV while eating. Suddenly, a woman shouted on TV: Dad! A colleague replied mischievously: Hey! Then there was another voice on TV: You rest in peace. ...

9. Teacher: "We suck chalk powder every day until we are hoarse and tired. Do you think it is easy for a teacher to stand on the platform? " Xiao Ming: "It's not easy! To sum up, it is: sucking powder, soliciting customers, selling yourself, and platform. It's not easy! Teacher: Get out.

10, the girl opposite frequently looks at her watch. It is estimated that this blind date is yellow again. Are you free this weekend? I asked tentatively. Sure enough, the girl said, "I want to work overtime." Then the phone rang, and I answered, "Oh, express delivery ... then you can send it to the third villa ... and then give it to the nanny." I put down my cell phone, and the girl smiled and said to me, "I remember wrong. I won't work overtime this weekend." Should I tell her that my mother is a nanny there?

1 1. The reporter asked an old man, "Grandpa, what is the secret of keeping you young?" ? Grandpa said: watch the market during the day, watch the foreign exchange in the evening, pack four packs of cigarettes a day, and eat instant noodles every day. Reporter: Ah, Grandpa, how old are you this year? Grandpa: 27.

12, having dinner in a restaurant today, a sister came over and asked, "Can the master deliver the food?" Host: "Aren't you there?" Sister said, "If you deliver the meal, send me back by the way."

13, the feeling of taking a courier is like reuniting with your long-lost flesh and blood, but often after unpacking, you find that your child looks like Lao Wang next door.

14, spicy strips, you know that the raw materials are not so clean and the additives are suspicious, but you still eat happily and share it with others. This is our life, knowing that many things are bad and many inside stories are dirty, but still trying to live happily.

15, look at so many strokes of the word "stupid", and you will know that it represents a state that makes a simple thing particularly complicated, while "ugliness" is simple and innate.

16, the group of single dog can be further subdivided, such as: loyal and single, but grumpy and single Tibetan mastiff; Kill Matt, dye your hair yellow, and don't pull a few objects-single golden hair; Too honest and obedient, no personality, and sometimes rotten furniture-single Labrador; Too clingy and too old to accompany-single Alaska; There is also a large group of people who are too lively and often make mistakes, and no one wants them. This group is the single husky.

17, travel, see the statue mother-in-law tattoo. A middle-aged man said, "Even my mother-in-law did it, but my mother couldn't!" " ! ! "A circle of tourists to quiet down. ...

18, I: Little girl, let's buy you some candy. Little girl: I have my own pocket money. Me: Hey, how much pocket money can you have? Little girl: I saved more than 8 thousand. Me: Well, can I ... can I buy a pack of cigarettes for my uncle?

19, I: "Boss, I want to resign!" Boss: "What? Resign? Is resignation what you should say? " Me: "Does the boss intend to reuse me?" Boss: "Pay attention to your sister! The general manager, the factory director and the supervisor all just resigned. You can only say that you resigned! " I ...

20. My wife and I quarreled over a trifle again. She wouldn't listen to anything I said, yelling at me: you are talking nonsense! Hearing this, I flew into a rage: "No wonder we always quarrel, you always make such unreasonable and demanding demands!" " "

2 1, I was taught to be a punctual person since I was a child, but think about it carefully, if you are a punctual person, you will be wasted a lot of time by people who are late in this life.

22. Teacher: Students love watching cartoons, so what do you think is the most touching cartoon in China? Xiaohong: Huluwa, in order to save Grandpa from danger, they can't fight the snake demon. Teacher: Well, not bad. Xiaoming: It should be a big-headed son and a small-headed father. Teacher: Why? Xiao Ming: Father's brain atrophy and son's hydrocephalus. They still live a strong life. Teacher: Get out! ! !

23. Teacher: Please use "since childhood" to make sentences. Xiao Ming: You can tell whether it is a boy or a girl from the posture of defecation. Teacher: As long as you can, you can make sentences with "urine". Xiao Ming: You can tell what cup you are by the size of the teacher's chest. Teacher: Get out.

24. Xiao Ming: "If I take the initiative to give something to others, I don't feel bad about how much I give. But if the other party insists that I want it, I will be very disgusted and would rather throw it away than give it. " Teacher: "This TM is the reason why you don't hand in your homework? Get out! "

Woman: What are you doing? Man: Go to the toilet to calm down. Woman: Eating shit won't solve the problem ...

26. Friend: "My biggest dream is to earn money to buy a house, then sell it and travel around the world with my beloved girl!" Me: "Why not just travel around the world?" Friend: "Where can I find a girl without a house?" Don't sell the house, take it to travel. "I was speechless.

27. Men with fishlines around their waistlines are certainly attractive, such as Eddie Peng Yuyan Yuyan and Daniel Wu. But for me, they are still not as good as men with fishing lines on their faces, such as Ma Yun.

28. Nowadays, girls wear too much makeup! After removing makeup, it's a completely different person! People have the feeling of interacting with two people at once! Really making money! !

29. Be a good person. Even if you hate someone again, you can't expect him to die. Is hemiplegia, incontinence, blindness, deafness, heart failure, tooth loss, baldness and hand disability not good?

30. Some time ago, I saw the news that I dug up the sword of the Warring States period and offered a reward to 500 yuan. Now think about this TM like playing games, playing the best equipment and selling it to NpC!

3 1. Seeing a foreigner tattooing the word "benevolence" on his body, he is quite familiar with China culture. With emotion, the man rolled up his arm, revealing the four characters of "Fried Shrimp".

32. The latest sentiment of the slag: The subtitle station is closed, why not learn English well?

33. Actually, I used to be a schoolmaster, just curious about the world of dregs, so I went to see it, and then I didn't know how to come back …

34. In class, the teacher lectures at the speed of 4G, while Xueshen listens at the speed of wifi. Xueba remembers at 3G speed, while Xueba watches at 2G speed. Learning losers often drop off the line, and learning scum can't be found or contacted. Finally, it is automatically turned off!

I saw a couple quarreling in the street after work last night. I smiled when I passed by. The man thought I was laughing at him. "What are you laughing at? Your boy wants to die. " With that, he came over and prepared to start work. Martin, if my legs were not controlled by my brain, I would kill you if I ran very fast.

36. When a man was shopping, he saw a beautiful woman robbed by a thief, and the man chased her desperately! After chasing several streets, I finally caught the thief! The thief knelt on the ground and said, "Brother! That woman is your girlfriend! So hard! " The man also knelt on the ground and said, "Have some professional ethics! I have been with TM for a day, and you will grab it when you come to TM! "

37. Today, I received a short message from my mother, which read: Take a bottle of vitamins with you when you go home, and make it up for you. Mom, I don't blame you for typing B2 into 2B, but what does a comma mean?

38. A chubby girl cried to me: "My first kiss is still there, and life is really boring." "Well, don't say that," I patted her on the shoulder and said, "Life is boring for fat people."

39. When listening to the teacher, I can't help but want to write a barrage on the blackboard.

40. "What made you persist in the long-distance running of love for ten years and finally step into the marriage hall?" "When I was in junior high school, everyone liked to eat spicy strips. Only after he finished eating, he never licked his fingers and wiped them directly with paper towels. This local tyrant behavior made me fall in love with him ... "Drinking ... I also fell in love with him. ...

Editor's note: At today's meeting, the boss emphasized the innovation of our products. I suddenly asked my colleague: "The original intention of product innovation is to facilitate people's lives. Is there any inconvenience? " My colleague thought for a moment and sighed: "Mosaic!"

The wonderful idiot laughed to death.

Shopping guide: "pretty girl, do you want to buy this dress?" You look particularly sexy and beautiful in this mini skirt. ""Oh, really? I think this skirt suits me too. " "You really have an eye. The best thing about this mini-skirt is that you bought it, so you also have a pair of pants to prevent exposure. Oh, can you afford it? " "ah? So what? Then I don't want it. "

1, I'm a little nervous when I go to my girlfriend's house for the first time. After dinner, I sat down to have tea with her parents. Basically, her parents asked me a question and I answered it. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. Just as she was talking, her father suddenly said, I dreamed of hitting someone with my car last night. I immediately replied: this dream is all reversed. I think you were hit by a car. Suddenly I feel that the whole world is quiet.

2. It's convenient in the company toilet today. Suddenly the phone rang next door, and a man said, "Hello, Mr. Wang, I'm eating. I'll be right there. " My heart is really different. Do you eat in the toilet?

Today, I saw a group of people sitting there having a rest. I couldn't help it, so I played them a March of the Volunteers on my mobile phone. Get up, people who don't want to be slaves. As a result, they chased and killed me for five blocks. Fortunately, I ran fast, otherwise I would be finished! !

4, and the girlfriend has always been a wife, and the background is cut. Today, I met my girlfriend and her boyfriend shopping. My girlfriend kissed me when she came up, then hugged me and said to her boyfriend, This is my wife! My best friend smiled and said, your wife? Lend me a few days. ! Me:. . .

One day, I saw my 7-year-old son washing socks, so I wanted to praise him, but when I saw my son's washing basin, I was shocked and said, "You son of a bitch, it's outrageous to wash socks with our vegetable basin." He said, "But Dad, I used to wash socks with this basin!" " "I said angrily," what? I said why sometimes the fried dishes are smelly socks. So it was you, little bastard! "

6. A student is asking for Buddha: Ask Buddha to turn Qianlong into the creator of the Great Wall. Buddha said: What is the reason? The student said: That's the answer to my history paper just now.

7. I remember once going to my little nephew's house for dinner, and he always wanted to play with me. Play dead suddenly when you are bored. I didn't expect him to give me "artificial respiration" when he came up. Horse eggs ... made my mouth water.

My wife took her daughter shopping. When she passed the beef soup restaurant, the baby asked,' Mom, can cows lay eggs? I said, "How can cows lay eggs?" Then why does it say cow eggs? "Silence! ...

9. A buddy went on a blind date and the woman refused. Then the man said, "I knew my dad lied to me." My dad said that as long as I said that my family had three villas and two sports cars, you would promise me. They are all deceptive. " The woman said, "Actually, I was joking with you just now. I hope to have a boyfriend." The buddy said, "Haha, actually I was joking just now."

10, my girlfriend complained today. Girlfriend: Honey, if only I could lose ten pounds! Me: No, isn't that 250?

1 1. I called my good friend: Where is it? Gay friends: On the way to work. Me: Go to Nimaby and come out. Hey, there's a girl. Gay friends: I'll ask for leave. ...

12, I: Honey, my relatives are here. Boyfriend: Oh, let's eat out at night. Me (affectionate): You are so kind to me ... Boyfriend: How many? Me: I am menstruating! Boyfriend: When did you get your period? Why don't I know? Is my uncle here? Is this an earthling?

13, I just saw a news that a 17-year-old pregnant woman beat a junior two student, and the reason was actually sung by Faye Wong: just because she gave you a second look in the crowd. Now that I think about it, it's fucking terrible.

14, a boy confessed to his childhood girl: "I loved you since I was a child!" The girl was startled and said, "Why did you peek at me going to the toilet?" ! "

15, when I was a freshman, a classmate confessed to the goddess of senior three, and the goddess said, "I don't like children!" Who knows that these two goods came with a sentence: "We can not have children first! "Emma, too witty, our class laughed for a semester! !

16, I was so angry. I found a new mobile phone yesterday and called a husband according to the phone book. Originally, I wanted the other party to come to me to get my mobile phone. I said, "Where are you?" The other party: "What the fuck did you ask me?" Me: "It's about you." The other party: "I have nothing to do with you." I hung up the phone and decisively dropped my phone. Go to hell. Excuse me, did I do something wrong?

17, a classmate told me: "Today, I confessed to the girl I liked for a long time, and she wanted to invite me to dinner. Although I was reluctant to keep the appointment, I didn't have the courage to refuse in order not to hurt the goddess' heart, so I went to eat some! "Me:" You should be happy that a girl invites you to dinner. Why should you force it? "Classmate:" Because she told me to eat shit! " "I: ...

18, Yankee who can speak simple Chinese, please come here, please translate the following text: Uncle, uncle asked my aunt to come and help. Then my aunt saw uncle Lala and asked why. My uncle replied: My uncle kissed my aunt, and my aunt complained about my uncle. My uncle just hit my uncle. Please help me translate it in English!

19, I made a password with my classmates in college. When I went to the Internet cafe, I said I was going to the library. Once I skipped the evening study, and we shouted: Hurry up, go to the library, there will be no place for a while! Suddenly found the guide nearby ... I'm glad I dodged a bullet.

20. Xiaoming has been fond of Xiaoli for a long time. One day, the teacher asked, "What is the motherland?" Xiaoli replied: "The motherland is my mother!" Xiao Ming shouted: "The motherland is my mother-in-law!"

2 1, has a crush on a girl in the next class for a long time. I wrote a confession note today and put it in my pocket. During the break, I saw her chatting against the railing. I hurried over and took out the note in my pocket and stuffed it into her hand. I turned and ran away, feeling uneasy about two classes. Later I found that the note was still in my pocket, but I didn't know where the dime in my pocket was. How strange!

22. The man next door suddenly came back early from a business trip and felt something was wrong at home. He immediately locked the door and forbade his wife to go out. For three days, however, he didn't go out. This morning, he opened the closet door and pulled out the people inside. This man has no strength to fight back. . . . . What a new skill.

23. My wife is in confinement, and her husband burned himself. She said that you should go to the wife next door, and she agreed. After a while, her husband came back with a black face. My wife asked what was going on, and my husband said yes, but my husband refused, so I agreed. His wife said angrily, "It's too much. He doesn't want to think about how many times I helped his wife when she was in confinement ..."

24. Mom: "Why do you wash clothes with soap?" Me: "There is no washing powder at home." Mom: "Then you can just buy a bag. You can't wash clothes with soap!" " "Me:" My classmates and I are used to this in the school dormitory. If the washing powder is gone, use soap, soap and shower gel, shampoo and toothpaste! "My mother looked at me in surprise and said," If the toothpaste is gone, I won't wash it. "Me:" Not necessarily. We can consider using shoe polish! " "

I didn't wear glasses when I was in the graduate class last night, but I vaguely saw a girl sitting next to her boyfriend with tape on her back. Lz helped her take it off with a helpful attitude. I don't know that someone else covered the scotch tape, and somehow got a piece on my back, and so on. Dude, stop fighting, stop fighting, my face still hurts.

26. I got a fitness card with my colleagues half a month ago and often went swimming. Today, just after a walk, a colleague told us seriously: NND, the water in this swimming pool must have not been changed for more than ten days. We looked at him in shock and asked, how do you know? My colleague said, I'll go, because the water today is more salty than the water a few days ago.

27. A boy confessed to the female boss of a cold meat shop: "Do you want to sell 2000 yuan for a catty of meat?" The female boss said: "sell! ! "The boy said," You are about 120 kg. I have reported it! " "

28. In the park today, I saw a boy professing to a girl. The girl was very angry and said, "What do you like about me? Can't I change it? " ! The boy replied tactfully, "I like you alive!" " "

29. Walking in the community the other day, I saw the young couple across the street teasing their children, so I went up to tease them: Baby, call your uncle quickly and see if you and your uncle have dimples. Is your father teasing them? ..... Why don't the neighbors across the hall look at me in the wrong way!

30. Get up in the morning and feel refreshed. Look in the mirror and say that you are handsome again today. My wife came by with a long story: You can brag. I was beaten and had to wash my face and brush my teeth. When I left, I kissed my wife and said to her, well, my wife has become beautiful again. If your wife is shy, you will only tell the truth. Me. . . .

Editor's note: A boy confessed to a girl and said, "I am willing to give everything for you, and I am willing to sacrifice everything for you. As long as you are willing to be my girlfriend, if I tell half a lie, my surname will be written backwards! " The girl glared at the boy and cursed: "Come on, you are Tian! The opposite side is also a field! "

Trade ethics for funny idiots

1. At the company dinner, colleagues toasted the leaders one by one. When it was the turn of a female colleague who couldn't drink yogurt, she said to the leaders with a cup, Leader, let me touch you with my milk!

The leader smiled blankly: Now is not the time!

The scene suddenly. . . It will be quiet.

2. Woman: Did you give it to me last night? . .

M: I'm sorry, we were all drunk last night, traveling, and it just happened.

The woman rushed over and beat the man, calling you a smelly rascal while beating, knowing that she was happy and didn't wake me up.

3. When I first entered primary school, I got up the courage to confess to the girls I like in my class. As a result, I tragically became the laughing stock of the masses for six years.

She said to everyone: That guy XX actually poof-poof-hahaha ~ Then junior high school was laughed at for three years, and senior high school didn't leave me alone.

Up to now, she still takes it out for dinner at home. I put down my chopsticks helplessly: Dad, can you tell your stepmother to stop? ~

4. I went to the toilet with my buddy that day, and he said: Yes, that's it, take a small step forward, yes, don't spill it, yes, that's it ~ shake it again ~

Damn, you're so fucking considerate!

5. I just chatted with my best friend for recuperation. I asked her how the stool was.

She immediately went to soak in the stone and sent me three photos, which caused me a great psychological shadow.

Make sentences with your own flesh and blood

Make sentences with your own flesh and blood

All the tribes of Israel came to David in Hebron and said, Look! We are all your own flesh and blood.

She was very comfortable, but she was not comforted by it, because her family failed to live up to expectations and attracted his criticism, and she could not get compensation from the compliment. She thinks that Jane's disappointment is entirely caused by her own flesh and blood, and she thinks that the advantages of the two sisters will definitely be damaged by the indiscretion of their own flesh and blood. Thinking of this, she felt more depressed than ever.

At such an disillusioned moment, a poor ghost with close relatives welcomed Joan and instinctively felt that it was a good homeopathy.

His closest relatives are not too incompetent, and naturally it is easier to get promoted than others.

Everyone knows to promote capable people. His closest relatives are not too incompetent, and naturally it is easier to get promoted than others.

6. Our parents, our wives and children are our closest relatives.

7. But your brother and sister, your closest relative, how can you ignore them?

We are flesh and blood, so we should live in harmony. I am very happy to think that we can do this.

9, we can reach the point of soul mate, better than the degree of empathy with outsiders, but far more than flesh and blood relatives.

10, business as usual. Without children, I have always wanted to have children, even to be a test-tube baby. You may have to take three or four thousand injections just to get your own child.

1 1, Captain Xiao said again, I dare to speak only when I am poor and become a farmer or my next of kin.

12, he is so stingy that he doesn't even give more money to his closest relatives, let alone outsiders.

13, except for the closest relatives, the pain-relieving day is just around the corner. Observe carefully and see.

14, you and I are happy as close relatives; If so, it's a stranger.