A funnier joke

1. One day, I found my mobile phone missing. I searched my bag and every corner of the house, but I couldn't find it. I sat on the ground depressed, took out my mobile phone from my pocket and sent a short message to everyone: I lost my mobile phone.

2. Get on the bus in the afternoon, take out the bus card and bump into the slot.

3. I went to save money at noon. While waiting in line, a beautiful woman asked me at the back: "Save money?" "Yes!" "I just want to withdraw money. Anyway, if you want to save it, you might as well give it to me without waiting in line. " I thought it made sense, so I gave her the money.

My neighbor forgot his key, turned it over from my balcony, found the key in the house, turned it back, and opened his door. What's even more amazing is that I met on the balcony from beginning to end and didn't feel anything wrong. Well, our heads must have passed through the same door.

I remember the first time I confessed to a girl, I was so nervous that I said, "Well, that, XX, I'll be your girlfriend."

6. A few days ago at work, a young colleague asked for a bottle of big Sprite, poured it around for everyone, and the bottle was empty when it was his turn. So my colleague shook the Sprite bottle and said to the waiter, "Is this still available?" The waiter ran over, took the bottle and examined it carefully. He said sincerely, "It's gone."

10. Once everyone was playing mahjong, and the power went out, so they lit candles and continued to play. Later, someone was too hot and shouted "Hey ~ turn on the electric fan". Everyone quickly advised, "No, no, the candle will be blown out.

1 1. I like this pair of gloves. The boss wanted 35 yuan, and I said I'd take 30 yuan. The boss insisted on 35 yuan and refused to give in after several rounds of talks. I thought about it and gave one to 50 yuan. He quickly gave me 35 yuan. . . .

12. A topic requires connecting the following four sentences with related words:

1, sister Zhang Haidi is paralyzed;

2. Sister Zhang Haidi studied tenaciously;

3. Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages;

4. Sister Zhang Haidi studied acupuncture.

The correct answer should be: "Sister Zhang Haidi, although paralyzed, studied hard and learned not only many foreign languages, but also acupuncture.

As a result, one child wrote: Sister Zhang Haidi was paralyzed despite her tenacious study of acupuncture and many foreign languages.

I found a more fierce child writing: Sister Zhang Haidi not only learned a foreign language, but also learned acupuncture. She studied so doggedly that she was finally paralyzed!

13. When cooking at noon, my mother gave me a pot of carrots: "Go, cut the carrots into diced meat!" "

15. A leader led everyone to drink, raised his glass and shouted, "Let's die together!"

All (...)

16. I remember once buying a fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, boss, how much is Shakespeare? The boss froze on the spot.

17. Rice noodle store

Boss, have some onions instead of rice noodles.

Boss (...)

Someone (looking for a seat to add back): No onions!

Boss (tears streaming down her face): Do you want rice noodles or onions?

19. I once chatted while eating in the canteen, and suddenly found myself dropping a grain of rice outside, secretly feeling sorry for the farmer's uncle's waste of food, so I picked it up and ate it. But then I found out that this meal didn't seem to be mine. ...

24. When I was in high school, I got up early. My mother made me a schoolbag and took it to school early. Usually steamed bread. My mother cooked porridge when there was no class on Sunday. I don't know what happened to me. I picked up the porridge and threw it in my schoolbag. ...

25. One day, when talking about the large number of people buying roast duck, her old man said without thinking, "At the end of work, there were a lot of people buying roast duck, and I saw the roast duck queuing in front of that window."

28. When I was in college, one year when school started, people in the fifth dormitory called the dormitory of the railway station to see if there was anyone, and asked people in the fourth dormitory to pick me up.

"Hello, Old Four, is my property and dormitory occupied?"

Old four dozed off in a daze: "Ah, old five, you have the wrong number. This is Jiaogan (next to the school). "

"Oh, sorry, wrong number."

After a while, Lao Wu looked at the number dialed by his mobile phone and thought it was right. He called back.

"You old four, fool me, is there anyone in the dormitory?"

"no"

"Oh, then I'll stay at a friend's house tonight."

"Ok, see you tomorrow."

34. Go shopping by bike and leave the car unlocked when you enter the store. Come out after shopping, lock the car and get ready to go by bike. . .

35. When I was a child, I liked to bite the nib. One day, I felt something was wrong when I bit it. Especially salty, and then I found that I took a sip of ink.

49. I remember when I was in the fifth grade of primary school, the class teacher asked a group of junior one students: Where are you from? The classmate said, "Yi people" and then asked the second classmate, "What about you? A: "Er nationality"

50. Guest A: Boss, is the iced soybean milk hot? ……

5 1. A friend went to buy home appliances and saw a weighing scale on the ground. This friend is fat and wants to try the scale when he sees it. So I stepped on it immediately, with a bang. It turned out to be an induction cooker.

52. That was the first time I used a bus IC card. After I got on the bus, I showed my card to the driver and went straight to my seat. No, the driver said "read the card", so I read the IC card carefully: "Hefei bus IC card ~ ~", and the driver said "read it over there", so I went to the place where the driver pointed and read it hard: "Hefei bus IC card …"

1. In class, a man was playing with his mobile phone. Unfortunately, the class teacher found it outside the window. The class teacher didn't want to interrupt the class, so she sent a short message to remind her classmates. Unfortunately, the students didn't save the phone number of the class teacher, so they sent back a text message: Who is in class? The class teacher replied: Look out of the window! The buddy replied: Thank you, the class teacher is watching. We'll talk after class.

At three o'clock in the middle of the night, a couple fell asleep in bed, and their wedding photos were hung on the wall. Suddenly a wife exclaimed, "My husband is back! ! "The man immediately got up and jumped out of the window. . .

3. The professor said ... today's class is in good order, the only drawback is that if the students chatting behind can be as quiet as the students playing cards in the middle, they will not disturb the students sleeping in front.

3. Thanks 10086~ Only 10086 will reply to my message immediately ~ Only 10086 will care about how much phone bill I have left ~ Only 10086 will send me a text message after the call ~ Only 10086 will be available for 24 hours.

One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by wolves. Wolves easily destroyed straw houses, wooden houses and brick houses. Three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but the wolf caught up with them. The three little pigs said in despair, it's up to you. We gave up, whatever you wanted. At this point, the wolf grinned and drooled and said, then tell me where the little white rabbit is.

One day, I parked my bike in the garage. When I came back, my bike was gone. I only saw the lock thrown aside. The lock is not broken, but it can still be used. I felt it was a pity to throw it away, so I locked it on someone else's bike and left. . . "

6. Zorro has a tryst at his mistress's house. Mistress: What if my husband comes back? Zorro: If he comes back, I will jump out of the window and my horse will catch me. Mistress: If he hears a knock at the door, he will come back. After a while, it rained heavily. Suddenly someone knocked at the door. Just then, Zorro jumped out of bed and jumped out of the window. The hostess opened the door and saw a horse standing in front of it. Ma said, tell Zorro it's raining outside and I'll wait for him in the corridor.

7. A young woman took out the garbage, accidentally slipped in the garbage and was about to get up. She was held in her arms by an old man in rags. The old man said with emotion: people in the city just can't live, and such a good daughter-in-law said no.

8. A child's diary: On Monday, February 30th, it was sunny. It's too bad there is no sun today. My father bought a goldfish and drowned it in the water tank. I am very sad ... Teacher's comment: I am also very sad. In February, I have never met the 30th in my life. I have never seen a sunny day without the sun. I have never seen a goldfish drowned in the water. .....

9. A loyal party member died, and God didn't want to accept the soul of an atheist in heaven, so he was sent to hell for a month. The prince came sweating and said, "Take that man away quickly, he almost developed my children into young pioneers!" God accepted, and a month later, the prince gloated and asked God, "Where is party member?" God said, "Please call me comrade first."

10, the robber robbed the bank, and when he entered the door, he swore: "Money belongs to the country, life is his own, hand over the money!" In an instant, everything is done! On the way home, the little criminal said, count how much money he robbed. The criminal leader shook his head: "No, just watch the news at night!" -Conclusion: Professional!

165438+ The foreigner patted his thigh and said, "Damn, English is so fucking hard to learn! ! ! "

12, one day, Party A and Party B were stranded on a desert island and starved for several days. So Party A wants to eat his fingers to satisfy his hunger. When he saw Party A raise his knife and cut his hand, just then, Party B rushed to stop him and shouted, "How could you do such a stupid thing!" " His eyes sparkled with wisdom. "Cut it when it's swollen, it's too fleshy."

13. When driving, a taxi driver found a crazy motorcycle in front and quickly threw the child sitting in the back out. The taxi driver caught up with the motorcycle and shouted, "Dude, your child is going to fall out of the back seat." Hearing this, the motorcyclist turned back in surprise and asked, "Where's your mother, son?"

14, instant noodles have gone up in price, gasoline has gone up in price, down jackets have gone up in price, rice, oil and salt have gone up in price, rice and eggs have gone up in price, tourist attractions have gone up in price, even tobacco and alcohol have gone up in price ... Everything around us has gone up in salary, but we still have to be strong, because the cemetery has gone up now.

15, he never had a girlfriend, so everyone asked him why he didn't find one. He said earnestly: My love died as early as kindergarten. At that time, I fell in love with a girl One day, I bought some sweets. She came up to me as if she really wanted to eat them. I said I'd give you one and let me kiss you. She said yes, so I gave her one, but she ran away with the candy! I no longer believe in love.

16. There is a very tall coconut tree. There are four kinds of animals, orangutans, apes, monkeys and king kong. Who do you think will pick bananas first? Test your character. The answer is: 1, and the monkey is the most typical 250; 2. Orangutans have low intelligence and few tendons; 3. Ape is the predecessor of Alzheimer's disease; 4. King Kong is a fool whose head is caught in the door; Have you ever seen a coconut tree grow bananas?

17, the child asked a rich man: How come you are so rich? The rich man said: I had nothing like you when I was a child. My father gave me an apple, so I sold it, bought two more apples with the money I earned, and then sold it to buy four more apples. The child said thoughtfully, sir, I seem to understand. Mr. millionaire said, you know your sister. Later, when my father died, I inherited all his inheritance.

18, one day, my sister said maliciously in the dormitory: "When I find a boyfriend, the first thing I do is slap them in the mouth! ! "Everyone was surprised and asked why. Sister replied: "I have to ask, where have you been hiding all these years?" ! "

19, the homework may not be handed in, but it may not be written by yourself. If you do this, you may not be able to take the exam. If you pass the exam, you may not graduate. If you graduate, you may not find a job. Finding a job may not necessarily lead to finding a wife. If you have a wife, you may not have children. If you have children, it may not be your own. Oh, my God! Why did you hand in your homework? !

20. Xiaoming did something wrong. His mother told him to kneel in front of Guanyin and confess, saying: If Guanyin forgives you, you can eat. Five minutes later, Xiao Ming sat down at the dinner table and his mother asked strangely, didn't I say that Guanyin forgave you before you could eat? Xiao Ming said: Yes, I knelt there and said, Sister Guanyin, I was wrong. I want to eat, and then sister Guanyin told me with her right hand, ok!

2 1, brother, don't buy those black stockings.

22. Quotations: ① Every time I find the key to success, someone changes the lock; I can't reach it. Try stepping on my left foot; Don't waste new tears for old sadness; 4 give yourself an English name, called Pressure Mountain; ⑤ Don't fall in love with me, be hypocritical and dare to get married; 8 Other people's money and wealth are my possessions; I love cans, but they are filled with coke.

23. The final exam is not far away. I hope the students will take surprise attack as the main task, supplemented by cheating: take the policy of teachers entering Tibet, teachers withdrawing their copies, and fighting in a roundabout way! Send you a couplet: If you don't cheat in the exam, you'd rather fail in your junior year next year than fail without personality. Horizontal criticism: I have to die. Exam skills: three long and one short, the shortest choice; Three short and one long choose the longest; Choose b for different lengths; If it is not uniform, choose d. Mainly copying, supplemented by Mongolia, combined with copying, Mongolia will definitely pass!

24. Woman: "I need a boyfriend." Man: "I'll help you find it. It's good to have a brother in my dormitory. " Woman: "won't you feel bad when I'm with him?" Man: "Have you read too many micro-novels? I have nothing to do with him, don't worry. " Female: ￥%&; *……

25. Cousin jokingly asked her 4-year-old daughter, "We are going to raise a pig, but we need to arrange work. We need to choose one person to feed the pig delicious food every day, one person to clean the room for the pig every day, one person to bathe the pig every day and one person to play with the pig every day. What are you going to do? " Her daughter answered without hesitation: "Be a pig".

26. The nurse is changing the medicine bottle for the patient. Seeing that the patient was dying, she asked, What's the matter with you? The patient was speechless with pain, so the nurse gave him a pen and paper and motioned for him to write it out. After the patient finished writing, he died. The nurse took the paper, which read: You stepped on my oxygen tube! "

27. A man said to a lawyer, "I want a divorce. I can't stand my wife running into the ballroom at night 12. " "Are you? That's unforgivable. What did she do? " Asked the lawyer. "Go and get me back!"