How to restore people who have been blacked out? I was deleted by my predecessor.

If you want to get it back, there must be a chance. It depends on how you grasp and create opportunities.

It is not impossible to recover from being hacked and completely deleted. Give an example of recent contact.

The boy is 32, six years older than the girl. They met at the alumni association and spent more than four years together. Their emotional foundation is relatively stable. Breaking up is the internal reason. There are too many contradictions. Boys don't communicate with girls. Girls think boys are too selfish and arbitrary, regardless of her feelings.

At the beginning, girls had a good attitude when they broke up, saying that it was easier to break up together than to break up. But the boy has been begging for it. The other party keeps calling if it doesn't answer the phone, and has been morally kidnapped if it doesn't return the message. The girl finally couldn't stand it. She hacked him in a rage and told him not to bother her in the future. The boy felt that the opportunity was ruined by himself.

In fact, most of the people who were rescued were hacked because they were too aggressive in the early stage and could not calm down, so they fell into the dilemma of "I don't know what to do now." As for how to create opportunities for self-help, I will briefly talk about this example today.

In fact, repairing feelings, like being a man, requires both internal and external cultivation.

Outward-Reconnect

Inward-find the key factor of the compound.

The recovery agencies that boys have looked for before all suggested breaking off diplomatic relations first, but there was no progress at all. It's definitely useless to disconnect at this time. If you are in a similar situation, learn from it and get back together as soon as possible. Don't waste it Saying that you want to save and really implementing the plan in detail are two different things.

It's not enough to do nothing or just vent your emotions. Rational reunion can get twice the result with half the effort.

Tips: Don't try to be fat at once. According to my experience, I divide the reunion action in this case into two steps:

The first step is to establish a new connection.

There's nothing to panic about losing contact information. We have many ways to contact a person. If we want to do something, we can try all the methods we can get.

If WeChat is hacked, you can send text messages; If the mobile phone number is blacked out, you can call another phone number;

All numbers are blacked out and you can meet;

If the other party escapes, you can let friends around you create various situations to ease the relationship;

Create an encounter where the other party may appear. ...

However, it should be noted that the purpose of this stage is not to pester each other, nor to continue to talk about emotional problems with each other, but to establish new contacts to ensure that both sides can have opportunities for communication. The opportunity you try your best to get is used to end the other person's negative feelings. You can express your wish to stay, but more importantly, tell the other person that you have the right to refuse.

The second step, "retreat"

To communicate with each other, we must be prepared to be rejected. You won't let go until you experience these rejections. If you meet them, you will adjust your mentality. If you are the main, you will be the main. If the other party keeps refusing and says that they don't want to keep in touch with you, the strategy at this time is to "retreat".

"Retreat" is a theoretical term I created. Here you can simply understand it as "retreat for progress", which makes the other party feel lost.

There is a phenomenon in psychology called "loss aversion": people are more afraid of losing something than getting it.

Even if the other person really doesn't love you, he will have a sense of loss and crisis when he realizes that he will lose you soon. The purpose of the "retreat" strategy is to make the other party feel "loss aversion". Once this kind of psychology occurs, the other party will not be blindly controlled by negative emotions.

? The key point of "retreat" is to show your identity and purpose.

You can say to each other like this:

? Give each other an explanation, give each other a reason, and then make a small request:

? Finally, the guiding choice:

A stable mood, sincere expression and patience with rejection are indispensable.

This seemingly heartless girl has no heart of stone at all. It is not difficult to add the contact information back on the premise of alleviating the rejection of the other party. As long as they don't pose a greater threat to each other, girls will quickly remove each other from the blacklist after they get angry. However, reconnection is only the first step to save success. The purpose of reconnection is not to enter a passive situation, but to get back together, the role of skills is limited, or to find the key to reorganization, that is, the value you can provide to each other.

A very realistic thing: as long as your ex thinks you are still valuable, you have a chance.

In fact, after WeChat was added back, the first contact was the boy that the girl contacted first. There is no other reason, that is, looking for him really has something to do. The woman wants the man to help introduce an important client, which is one thing that the man promised her before breaking up. It is precisely because of this that the two reconnected, and then the boys provided emotional value and practical help to the girls step by step, and finally saved their success.

Many people may think that their ex is rude and will not associate "usefulness" with feelings, then you are wrong. "rudeness" is only a subjective feeling, and most people swear that "I will never contact my predecessor again after I die!" If it turns out to be just a slap in the face, it's time to hit the face immediately.

Because what my predecessor can give him, others will not come back for the time being.

Of course, not all ex-husbands will ask for active contact like the woman above. Most people who have been dumped are too anxious because they can't wait for their predecessors to contact themselves. However, under anxiety, you ignore the fact that people can change, and emotions will not affect a person's decision forever. In mate selection, value is an unavoidable reference standard.

This value is not the external value of your economic ability or your appearance, of course, it is not that superficial. This value refers to your comprehensive value, including your external value in the secular sense, your internal value under objective conditions and subjective derivative value.

Therefore, the opportunity is hidden in the value you create for each other. Let me talk about creating value without examples.

Providing positive emotional value can create opportunities. Frankly speaking, compared with those potential new lovers, it is definitely a disadvantage. What's more, because some predecessors broke up because your other half was of low value, it is unrealistic to make you a very good person at once. What's more, it has been hacked by the other party now, and there is no place to show it.

However, hardware is not the only criterion for mate selection. Many people who seem to have mismatched values still have stable feelings. For example, "although he didn't buy a house, he was single-minded to me." I think his little problem is trivial. On the whole, I feel very happy with him. "

There is actually a more reasonable logic in this: the other party can provide me with higher emotional value, so other aspects are weakened.

Jeffrey J.Bailey, a professor at university of idaho Business School, once defined the word emotional value. People who can provide high emotional value can build their core competitiveness faster in love. He believes that emotional value = emotional income-emotional cost. The greater the emotional benefit is than the emotional cost, the higher the emotional value can be provided.

Positive emotional experience brings emotional benefits, such as happiness, happiness, trust, security, happy mood and so on.

Negative emotional experience increases emotional costs, such as sadness, anger, deception, incomprehension, conflicts and so on.

This formula is not difficult to understand, that is to say, if you experience negative emotions in a person and spend most of your time with him disappointed, sad and sad, you are likely to give up this relationship, because the emotional cost has exceeded the emotional benefits, and the negative experience has exceeded the positive experience.

People who break up feel that the other party hurts them more, and their minds are full of unhappiness with this person. This is a lot of negative experiences. People who are broken up always think that the other person has no feelings and doesn't love himself. In fact, the other party just doesn't want to accumulate negative emotions stupidly. In the process of falling in love, you will see that the emotional value is gradually decreasing. What the redeemer should do is to reverse this process, provide the other party with as much emotional value as possible, and create opportunities for redemption.

How to provide higher emotional value? Reduce emotional cost (reduce negative emotional experience)

If you could ask each other a question now, what would you ask?

Why did you delete me? Haven't you considered my feelings? Are you feeling better? Can you not be angry? I guess you must want to choose B, but in fact you can do A.

Because the emotional state of one party after breaking up is generally great, when contacting the other party, the reaction will be very bad, either guessing that the other party is still interesting, or guessing that the other party just wants to extract his last surplus value and convey the blame words that hurt the spring and grieve the autumn to the other party. It's hard to think from each other's point of view.

If you choose A, if you say anything about feelings, the other person will definitely try to get back on track, and when you can't help it, you two will break up because of emotional problems. Although you want to save it, your performance is more like attacking each other. You can't adapt to the other person's negative feelings, so you take an attack unconsciously.

What depositors often attack:

One is to care only about the expression of one's feelings. "You haven't considered my feelings? Do you know how hard it is for me to be hacked by you? "

One is subjective speculation, "It may be normal for you, but it really hurts me."

I often think you are too self-righteous. How do you know that people think this is normal? What some lovelorn people who come to consult often say is childish and low-level. Most men can only call them boys, and they don't know how to speak. Many of them are looking for teachers to speak for you or teach you to speak by hand, so they don't want to understand the problem from the root, thinking that their predecessors only need to be coaxed. You don't understand, the problem is not the other party, not that the other party is losing his temper, but that you still can't see the reality clearly, can't adapt to it, and can't accept it.

? The core of reducing emotional cost is stronger adaptability and acceptance.

Don't be kidnapped by your own emotions, don't blame others for the problem, but face your own unbearable. In the face of each other's negative emotions, we can still treat them rationally, restrain ourselves from taking each other as the object of venting, pay more attention to each other's state, their own interests and appease each other's emotions.

In fact, it is not impossible, but in the face of self-sacrifice and compromise, selfish nature will come out. But you know, unless you quit this step, the other party will not quit voluntarily.

Improve emotional gain (increase positive emotional experience)

If you were angry with your client at work today, and you had two choices to face your partner, which one would you choose?

I'm unlucky enough. Can't you give me a break? Do you have to bother me at this time? A little bad. I want the other person to see my happy side. The person who chooses A is not an emotionally mature person. A mature person will not ask others to be fully responsible for his own emotions, but will be responsible for his own emotions.

The person who chooses B can improve the other person's emotional interests, because he still has the quality of being willing to pay at will when he is sad, which is a rare ability to improve his emotional interests. This ability is a kind of payment ability, which is implemented in some specific things, and it is manifested in the following aspects:

Sincerely reflect and apologize, apologize to improve each other's negative emotions, respect each other's opinions and choices, don't kidnap each other in the name of love, put yourself in other's shoes, and the other half cares about each other's happiness and needs. The core of sharing good news with each other to affirm and encourage them to improve their emotional benefits is to make them feel happy and comfortable. 80% of the ex's attitude towards getting back together is not whether he still loves you, but whether you are worthy and can provide enough emotional value. If he can feel that the happiness with you is greater than the pain, and the value has been realized, there must be a chance. But if you make him more exclusive to you, there will be no chance of communication and no chance of redemption.

Why do I always say that entanglement is invalid, because entanglement is increasing emotional cost and reducing emotional value.

The value you provide should meet each other's needs. Just because we have a chance to save it doesn't mean we can save it. If you can create positive emotional value for the other person, but you can't solve his real needs, then you will face breaking up again with a high probability.

Demand still depends on each other. I have also contacted many counselors who broke up voluntarily. Their confusion is simple: I don't know if such a decision is too impulsive.

Actually, I can understand this feeling very well. When people grow up, it is always more realistic to think about things than before. When you fall in love when you are young, everyone is a free and easy person. If the other party makes them unhappy, they can immediately pull the black. However, as more and more people around them get married and have children, their emotional needs are no longer static.

It's not that I don't like each other, I still like them, but every time I disagree and quarrel, I'm really sad, and even some inherent conceptual differences can't be solved. Impulsively, Lahei broke up, but when she calmed down, she was at a loss. I wonder if I will meet someone better after breaking up with this person. After all, I haven't met a completely ideal partner.

However, when the original partner said that he wanted to get back together, he was unwilling to agree, because the other party already had various shortcomings and did not understand himself. If he doesn't see the other person's change, it's still hard for people who break up on their own initiative to accept it. Unfortunately, people who are saved often answer irrelevant questions. What he desperately does is to make the other person like and understand himself, rather than providing what the other person needs.

Some backstage people often confide to me: koi fish koi fish, how can I make someone who doesn't like me like me at all?

Every time I receive this question, I am speechless. I am not a fairy, and I will not cast spells from a distance. How can I make someone who doesn't like you at all like you? You are the only person who can make the other person like you.

Don't think that he doesn't like you at all because he broke up with you, and don't think that you can save it by putting all your time and energy on each other.

If you think wrong, you will go in the wrong direction. Just like the question you asked me, "How to make the other person like me", you think that getting back together depends on chatting, of course not. You think that getting back together means "making him love me", but what really matters is solving the problems and obstacles between you.

It would be a pity if the other person doesn't like you at all and has no electricity for you at all. I sincerely advise you to like others. Don't do it for nothing.

However, if the other person once liked you, no matter how long he liked you, at least he had feelings for you. Later, there were various contradictions between you, which led him to decide not to like you, or he felt that you two were not suitable and wanted to break up through in-depth understanding. Then what you have to solve is the contradiction between you, and you have to know why he doesn't want to be with you.

Many redeemed people often make a mistake, that is, they try their best to show their charm and make each other happy as when they are in love, and finally find it useless, because all actions are superficial and do not touch the fundamental problem. The other person may have been waiting for you to give an explanation and a changed attitude, but in the end he finds that you are still the same as before, and there is still no hope with you, indicating that you are of no value to him.

If you don't know the key, I'll give you a few questions for your reference. Are common problems faced by people who come to my place. By combing these questions, it is not difficult to find out what kind of value the other party needs you to provide, and this value is the key to compound.

What is the main reason for breaking up? How to change it? Where is the node of relationship deterioration after breaking up? What communication problems have occurred and how to communicate again? Is there any objective pressure, such as the bride price can't be negotiated properly, the third party is involved, and the other party is in a different place. Can you solve or meet each other's needs, is there pressure from both parents, and how to solve this problem? Do you have any personality defects in each other, such as anxiety or avoidance? Do you choose psychological counseling to intervene? Are there any conflicts in your future plans? How are you going to balance it? How many times have you been irretrievable because of emotional problems? Can you grasp each other's emotions? What is the emotional state you really want to achieve and what can you do to move in this direction? These problems are the core that affect your recovery progress. They don't need you to answer "yes or no", they just need you to have a clearer understanding of your answer. I've met too many confused people, and one question asks me how to get it back. I can only tell you that you have to answer these questions yourself, and you have to decide what the other person wants, what you can give and what you can't give.

I hope everyone can look at these problems with an introspective attitude and repair their feelings by improving their self-worth, but unfortunately, most people always sympathize with each other by selling cute, but in the end they are worthless.

Your predecessor must be a value-oriented person. You can help him create value, and you can make him gain positive emotions and create value. Security, trust, trust and encouragement, and even financial support are all values. The more value you create, the greater your chances of redemption. On the other hand, if you have no positive meaning to him, or even bring him negative emotions, then there is definitely no chance. Even if we persist for a few days, the result will be that both of us feel uncomfortable, and then the loss will outweigh the gain.

A good relationship is two-way, and mutual support can win. If both of them are uncomfortable, then your lover's ability must continue to practice.

Psychological test: test the probability of getting back together after breaking up.

Have you ever thought about the possibility of getting back together after two people break up? This set of test questions helps you test the probability of getting back together after breaking up. Let's try it together.

Do you still have your ex's contact information in your mobile phone?

It's five points.

No, all 0 points have been deleted.

What is the reason why you broke up?

Due to objective reasons, the family disagreed with 1.

Long-distance love, no future 2 points.

TA thinks I have a bad temper and our personalities are incompatible. Three points

There is a third party involved in our relationship.

After our quarrel, no one would bow their heads and broke up in a rage.

I think TA has a bad temper, always complaining, and was dumped by TA for 6 points.

Of the following four statements, if you had to choose one statement that you agree with most, which one would you choose?

If a person loves another person, he should love all of TA, regardless of its advantages or disadvantages. Otherwise, it is not true love. He likes 2 points at most.

Although feelings are what you want, but it depends on people's efforts, the other person's love can also be controlled, as long as it can meet the other person's psychological needs, love can guide 4 points.

Twisted melons are not sweet. If TA doesn't want to get back together, I respect the idea of TA 1 minute.

The emotional world can never be equal, and those who want to get back together must not be stingy with their 6 points.

When you express one thing, you value it more.

The accuracy of verbal expression is 2 points.

Talking to the other person gives the other person a strong impression of 1.

Are the people around you comfortable with what you said? 6 points

The ultimate goal that words can achieve is 4 points.

What do you think are your basic emotional characteristics?

Emotional, often unable to control his temper 0 points.

Self-control ability is strong, the surface is calm, but the inner mood fluctuates greatly, and it is difficult to calm down 2 points in case of contusion.

Everything is a cloud, and it is not easy to get angry by nature. My friend praised me for my good temper by six points.

Feelings are not slow and direct, but once they are unstable, they are easily excited and angry. Three points

Did you save your ex?

I saved it, but it was rejected. I didn't save four points.

No, I don't know what the other person is thinking, so I dare not say 2 points.

I saved it several times, but the other party was very exclusive, Lahei, and I don't want to see my zero again.

I tried to talk, but the other party thought we were not suitable. Hope to find happiness 6 points.

The complete version of the test questions and answers can be obtained by private mail.

I'm Chen Yu, an emotional counselor, and I know more than you think. If you are emotionally confused, you can ask for a private letter or comment.