A lot of love is that you are moved to a complete mess, but the other person remains indifferent.

Double Eleven is coming soon. I know that for those of you who have a significant other, it may just be a dog abuse day; but for those of you who don’t have a significant other, it may be a day to lick Ma Yun’s father. As a single person, let me share a story about my past relationship.

I don’t know how long I can last if I like someone, but my crush lasted for seven years, from the first year of junior high school to the second year of college, and even when I got a boyfriend, I still haven’t completely forgotten him.

The first time I met L was on the way to school one morning in the first grade of junior high school. The air was very good that day. I just tilted my head inadvertently and saw the boy walking opposite me. About 1.85 meters tall, wearing a white T-shirt, jeans, sneakers, and headphones, he looks like the haloed male protagonist in an idol drama.

In an instant, everything around me felt dark. With such simple and casual clothes and handsome face, he could no longer be taken away from my sight. I followed him like this all the way to school, and then I saw his girlfriend.

I didn't have these concepts in my mind at the time, but I could tell that they liked each other. I saw her looking around, waiting for him, and then he ran over with a smile, patted her shoulder and walked into the door together. Gradually, I learned that they had been together a month after entering the first grade of junior high school. At that time, I was still surprised. In my world view, this kind of premature love was too early. Although I know very well that at that age, boys and girls will have some unexplorable feelings, but I am still very normal and listen to people who know them occasionally talk about their affairs. I still follow him on the way to school every day, watching. Repeating scenes. However, in the past three years, I have only known their names and more or less understood their stories, but they do not know me.

I am very lucky to have been admitted to the same key high school as him, and of course to her. I only heard that they were on and off, but I never said a word to them. Even at the New Year's Day party, when he sang on the stage and she sent flowers, I simply thought that boy was so handsome~ They are truly a match made in heaven. But this feeling disappeared until I was in the same science class as him and we got to know each other well. There is a saying that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and this is probably true. I gradually discovered that he sings very well, he plays basketball very well, he studies seriously, he is very humorous... almost all praises given to him are not exaggerated. Just because he is the flag-raiser of the school, I live every Monday very seriously. When I see him wearing a white school uniform and white gloves, walking at the front, I feel an inexplicable excitement in my heart.

Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention that he was a popular figure in the school. Maybe it was because there were so few boys in the school who were good-looking and good at studying, although everyone started to imitate him later. In my eyes, even dressing up is no match for him. There are many girls who like him, there are five or six in our class alone. Do you think I have no pressure? impossible! After all, I have no advantages and am just an ordinary little girl.

The girl who everyone knows is his partner, in my opinion, is very outstanding, tall and outstanding in appearance. And I'm just a mediocre girl with low self-esteem. There is a saying that says you can become a better person for the person you like. I remember that I was a little chubby at that time. In order to improve my appearance to attract his attention, I only drank milk every day, but before I could lose weight, I got a stomachache. He looks very bad and his demeanor is not good, because he is hungry! Obviously, this approach failed.

One day I accidentally heard that they broke up a long time ago. I suddenly became more happy and felt that I finally had a chance! You know that feeling, like we're already together.

I don’t know when I started to get closer to him, and I would talk about that girl from time to time, until I knew from the beginning to the end that they were naturally together, and they were noisy in the middle. After I went to high school, I thought... If you study hard, you will be separated. It is very common and dull. But I also heard that he hated her pestering him, and a friend of mine who knew that girl said that she hated him always hanging around her.

I am always confused about what is going on between them, but this does not prevent me from continuing to like him wishfully. There is a law that I love you and you love her. This is not a contradiction.

I remember that I used the most childish method at that time, always buying all kinds of snacks and secretly putting them on his table to please him, and playing with him like good buddies. After getting along with each other, I would always jump up and down to give him a bottle of sports drink after physical education class, and always ask him various physics questions...Every time I pretended not to care, but in fact I was already worried I've been bumped into thousands of times by deer.

I know that he has actually noticed it a long time ago, but I didn’t tell him and he didn’t tell me, so it became a secret that both of us knew.

I don’t know how that girl found out my QQ number. Anyway, she should have known me and got to know me, but she became “friends” with me in a way I didn’t expect. From our first conversation, she gave me a big kick.

"Hello, I am XXX. You should know who I am, right? I know that you two have a very close relationship. His friends are my friends. Please take good care of me in the future."

I was really shocked at the time, but I said against my will: "I've heard about it a long time ago. I hope you are happy. If you need help, please tell me. I'm so happy to have such a refreshing friend like you."

After that, her every word revealed to me all the time how good they were, how much his parents liked her, their travels together, and all the memories they had. Listening to her recollection of their stories, I admitted that I was jealous, but I still expressed my admiration and blessings bitterly.

But from time to time, people tell me that she has made friends with everyone around him and hopes that everyone will tell her which girl L is close to. Of course, I bore the brunt of it. That's why she acted like this. Many people also scolded this girl, saying that she was having affairs with many boys, and some of my close friends even warned me that if I became friends with this girl, they would never talk to me again. At first I didn't understand why, until one day L suddenly sent me a message saying: "I know she asked someone to tell you to stay away from me, but I hope you don't do that. I'm sorry for causing you harm." But I didn’t know any of these things, and I just vaguely passed them by.

Just like the development of many plots, one day, she suddenly refused to play the friendly role she had before, sent me a long questioning text message, and never contacted me again. Occasionally when we meet her in school, I can feel her enemy's eyes that can kill me. Then, there is no more.

L and I continued to get along like this, and he got used to the snacks always on his seat and the hot water that was filled for him every day. One day the teacher adjusted his seat on a whim, and he and I got closer and closer until there was only an aisle between us. No one knows how I felt at that time. Although I hated going to school, it was for this reason that I was unwilling to take leave even when I was sick.

He once gave me many hallucinations. He put clothes on me with his own hands. He wanted to share cookies with me. He said that I was very good to him. He would be anxious because I couldn’t solve a question. But he comforted me for a long time because of my sad face... Those things made me dream like a young girl in love with spring. But I'm not sure those are true.

At that time, there was a popular saying on the Internet: When you go to bed at night, you will dream about someone because he is thinking about you. I dreamed about him more than once, and every scene was too sweet. Every time I woke up, I was grinning because of happiness.

I have imagined countless times how happy I would be if I could go to school and after school with him. It wasn't until later that we took the same school bus that our wish came true. The driver uncle and I talked about everything, and I knew what he looked like after seeing the photos of L that I was always looking through. I remember my uncle told me later: "I recognized him on the first day he took the school bus. The moment he got on the bus, I asked him if his name was L. The child was very surprised. He didn't even know my name. Listening to you talking every day, my ears are getting calluses. "

His home is farther away than mine. He gets on the bus before me in the morning and gets off after me in the evening. When I saw him in the car for the first time, I felt so happy. I was so sleepy that morning but I was actually very energetic.

Even though it was early winter at that time, it was still very cold in the morning and evening. My hands are always cold and I always curl up in the car in the morning. One day he suddenly noticed that I was shivering and helped me warm my hands for the first time. His hands are warm. Even now when I think about it, I still feel happy. What I felt at that time was, in a common way, like being electrocuted. Later, I spent almost every morning like this, and I changed from being shy at the beginning to being unscrupulous, and I just slept on his shoulder like this. Although the school bus was still swaying, I was able to sleep very peacefully.

My first confession was during this period. The girl knew that we were riding the same school bus, so she came to our class and asked her a lot of questions. It was the first time that I felt such an imbalance, and it was the first time that I began to believe that girls’ immeasurable jealousy could be so strong, so I wrote three pages full of it, and then said it so bluntly on the way home from school. told him. Very simple four words: I like you. The result was not unexpected. He said: "I don't want to think about this now. We will discuss it after the college entrance examination." Our relationship has not changed at all.

Like a friend but not like a friend.

He only sat there for a month, and the new home was being packed up, which is closer to school. After that, he went to school by bicycle. And that month was the happiest month I felt. Of course, there is also fear that this month will pass too quickly.

During that time, many people thought we were together, and at certain times they would hear a few classmates booing and feeling in a daze. But only I know that he doesn't really like me.

I remember that for his birthday that year, I gave him CK ONE perfume, mixed with the three confession letters that I had sorted out several times. The meaning of perfume is unique, because I felt that at that time, he was the only one.

In the second half of my senior year in high school, I left school because of the college entrance examination in another place. He helped me move out all my things. I cried and said goodbye to him. We haven't seen each other since then until now. We also sent text messages in the middle, because I missed him a lot but didn’t know what to say, so I had to pretend to ask a few questions.

After the college entrance examination, we went our separate ways. He was studying in the south, and we were far apart. I know that they reconciled again and got along very well. I heard that the girl and I went to school in the same city, but I have never met her.

Only often, I see him posting photos on social networking sites to show off his affection.

A few days ago, he suddenly said that they broke up, very completely. He was sad, drank and even harmed himself, but she only said, let's not contact him again. I didn't know whether to comfort him or not, and I didn't want to ask why, but I could feel that he was sad and he never let go.

I listened to him singing Wu Kequn's "Love Hurts Too Much" on the software, and I could clearly hear the trembling in his voice. That feeling made me a thousand times sadder than the pain in my heart.

I remember one night three or four months after they broke up, I suddenly felt a little worried about him, and then sent him a WeChat message asking him: "Are you okay?" He said: "It's not good. "Then a phone call came and he told me from beginning to end. It was very sad. I can still remember his tone. At that time, I actually wished they had never been separated.

I remember that he called me long distance at the time. I knew he had a lot to say, so I listened to him silently until late at night. Occasionally when he got excited, I would hear him choke. I was afraid that he would be sad if he was suddenly disconnected, so I kept recharging his phone bill. At that time, I just wanted to be able to accompany him quietly like that, even if I just listened to his even breathing.

Ever since that phone call, my heart has been as high as before, as if I have another chance, as if we can walk hand in hand on the street tomorrow. I remember that it happened to be the Mid-Autumn Festival, so I skipped class to look for him. I didn’t know what I was feeling at that time, but I just hoped to see him in the next second. I took the high-speed train all day long, reversing in various directions, and had not closed my eyes for at least 30 hours when I saw him. I thought I could still be calm when I saw him for the first time, but at that time I seemed to be stunned when I saw him walking towards me from a distance with his aura.

We haven’t seen each other for a year and a half.

We haven't seen each other since I took the college entrance examination in another place in my senior year of high school. Every time, every class gathering, I was reluctant to attend because I was afraid of seeing him. After all, many people knew that I liked him. Even after a long time, I would still be embarrassed when I felt everyone's well-meaning heckles. At a loss.

I remember when I went to his school, many friends gave me advice and asked me to give him a big hug when we met, and I, too! Pass! shame! astringent!

I remember that when we met, he would habitually pull my suitcase and ask me if I was tired. It was very warm. Maybe because it's him, everything feels so beautiful to me. He accompanied me to find a place to live, and I even went to class with him. I admit that I was a little cautious at that time: I wanted his classmates and friends to see me, whether intentionally or unintentionally, even if they misunderstood me casually.

I remember that many girls looked at me in subtle ways at that time. He might also know that I was already happy.

During the three days there, I seemed to have said everything I wanted to say in that year and a half, just like a chatty chatterbox. Chatting behind him every day, secretly taking photos of him every day, the one who helps me carefully select the fish bones when eating fish, the one who takes me around campus, the one who urges me to eat more, the one who takes the fish from me smoothly The one with the school bag, the funny one.

I remember the first time we watched a movie together. The heroine was a bit similar to me. Although it was a comedy, I burst into tears at the end and he just looked at me and smiled.

I remember we were walking along a long river together, and I said to him, do you believe that one thing brings down another thing? He gave me a meaningful look and whispered: "I know what you want to say." I laughed out loud, and then said to him: "My mother always told me, don't always hug your tree. Hang yourself." Then he said in a shy tone: "I am not a tree, I am a flower."

What he didn't know was that I recorded this. I watched the video several times when I was bored, and it actually killed one boring period after another.

No one can see how tired I was during those three days. At that time, I had a wound on my foot and it was painful to walk. But the moment I saw him, I seemed to have lost all feeling. I want to be by his side every moment, even if I just look at him quietly like this.

Obsessed.

My feeling for him is that I am obsessed with him. As long as it is him, I feel good about him. As long as it is what he says, I unconditionally think it is correct.

I remember those days, I got up early every morning, asked many people to find him downstairs in the dormitory, and then sent him text messages to ask if he was awake, and then I would go downstairs to take him after he woke up. I play. I have to wait downstairs for almost two hours almost every day. Just pacing back and forth, looking forward to seeing him.

I remember the night before I left, I said to him: "I beg you, say a few heartless words, the more ruthless the better, so that I will give up completely." But he didn't say it. He asked me: "This is really too difficult. Are you forcing yourself or me?"

We sat there and struggled for a long time, but there was still no result. Later, I was really sleepy and my eyes were all red. He said, "Please, go back to the hotel and sleep quickly. We have to take a bus all day tomorrow." But I just didn't want to leave. I just didn't know how difficult it was to say this. . I remember he said that people who have feelings for each other either like him or hate him, but originally, I couldn't be friends with him.

There is really no other way, he said to follow me, I tell you. But the further I walked, the less strength I had, and I got farther and farther away from him. I watched him walking quickly in front of me and disappearing little by little in front of my eyes. I walked around his school at Nuo University, but I couldn't find him. he. He didn't know that I was really scared and he didn't even look for me. I remember crying and calling my best friend, and walking to the hotel bit by bit from memory, and it was already past 11pm. My best friend called me stupid, called me cheap, and yelled at the phone in the middle of the night to make me wake up. I thought about it in the hotel for a long time and still couldn't get over it. It was almost 12 o'clock, and he sent me a text message, four simple words: Are you going back? No one knows how cold my heart was at that time, even seeing his name made me feel heartbroken.

I remember asking him why he didn't come to me. He said, this method is more effective than telling you directly, isn't it? I replied yes and said nothing again, because at that time I was so numb that I had no consciousness.

But the next day, I still liked him. Even if he hurt me deeply, I still like him. No matter how many people tell me it's not worth it, I still like him. I remember him telling my sister that he felt sorry for me, but that didn't do anything to me.

Occasionally I think, maybe I am really a person who lives with memories, always making meaningless fantasies, maybe we will be together.

I don’t know who told me: In love, unless we like each other, all unrequited love is sad.

I felt very painful in my heart that day. He did not explicitly reject me, nor did he clearly agree to me. It was just that I always thought that he might accept me in his heart, but I made peace with myself. A so-called title. I thought I had done a lot for him, enough for him to become emotionally moved by me. But those are nothing more than ordinary little things. It might be the same for anyone else, but this kind of touching may only make you become friends, and maybe it won't develop further.

In fact, many times even I don’t understand why I can’t help but find a lot of topics to talk to him about, but obviously more times, his answers are so simple that I can’t continue. .

When I occasionally chat with my mother, she will always bring up my feelings intentionally or unintentionally. There are many good boys around me, good-looking ones, tall ones, and even seniors who take special care of me. I am the kind of person who is particularly touched by small details. Many times I have convinced myself to accept it. But I still can't open my heart. It felt like I had been deeply poisoned and he was the only antidote. I tried to accept others, but in the end I found that it didn't work as long as it wasn't him.

I am always laughed at by my friends for giving too much without getting anything in return, but I always feel that in relationships, loving and being loved are both beautiful things. After all, I put my heart into everything I do for him, and I feel very happy in the process.

There is a saying that if you like it, strive for it, if it is worth it, wait for it, and if you are happy, cherish it. I did have this dream for seven years. I always think that my own principle is: either don’t think about it or don’t let it go. But now, I choose to let the past remain in my memories.

When I missed you in the past, I would always write a long paragraph with great excitement, but could not press the send button. Later, when I missed you, I would always grab a few words in my mind, but I was unable to express myself and could no longer write a complete sentence. But now, when I miss you, I no longer want to do anything for you. What, I just think about you quietly, then play a song I like and try to fall asleep.

Some people say: A man chases a woman across a mountain, and a woman chases a man across a veil. But these have failed on me.

We have no contact until now. I don’t even know in what capacity I communicate with him at the annual gatherings. Maybe I am too immature to treat these things as a passing thing. But I always believe that as time goes by, I will eventually hold my partner and say goodbye with a smile.

Goodbye, my first love that ended before it even started.