Joke Collection Website - Public benefit messages - I want jokes, the more the better, the premise is that I must be funny.

I want jokes, the more the better, the premise is that I must be funny.

1. A chef wrote in personals: I am good at flirting! I add salt when my feelings are weak, sugar when my feelings are bitter, and pepper when my feelings are numb. I ask the woman to be full of color, fragrance and taste!

2. French Luke traveled to China. He wanted to visit the city on foot. Because he was afraid of getting lost, he took a notebook and followed the road signs all the way.

As a result, I still got lost, so I had no choice but to ask the traffic police and tell them the road map he had traveled. The traffic police took his notebook and found that there were many crooked words on it: one-way street.

3. A rich man is illiterate. When he asks for debts, he takes out an iou and pretends to look at it.

The borrower laughed, "Look, it's upside down!"

Embarrassed, the rich man concealed, "I'm showing it to you!"

4. A foreigner went to a place on business and wanted to find a guest house, so he asked the passerby, "Do you know where the guest house is?"

passers-by replied, "Do you know? What do you want with Mrs. Zhao? "

outsiders say, "sleep".

5. A friend introduced his hometown to the guests: water curtain cave in rainy days, Flame Mountain in sunny days, Black Wind Mouth in windy days and Demon Fog Stream in foggy days.

The guest said: After your introduction, I know that all the people here are the Monkey King.

1. It's been so many days since the Asian Games, but the American team didn't win a gold medal!

2. The wife is a big tree, so be sure to hug her. Lovers are birds, so don't feed them. The wife is a treasure, so she tells you not to make noise. Lover is grass, whoever pulls and runs with him; It is said that beauty is good, and it is not easy to find if you don't make noise or run.

3. When the community opens, the slogan reads: If you can't give Ernai a home, please at least give her a suite!

4. donkey kong, the fourth successful person: expert guidance, noble help, divine blessing and villain supervision.

5. Being in love is like eating chocolate. Even if you don't pay for chocolate, you have to pay for losing weight!

6. 1. Little Sister: From noble to vulgar; 2. Beauty: from stunning to gender; 3. Boss: From rare to everywhere; 4. Chicken: from birds to humans; 5. Comrade: From kindness to sensitivity; 6. Things: from personal privacy to public suffering.

7. Very meaningful professional expressions: ① female directors: Stop! Do it again. ② Female traffic police: Don't stop if you sayno.. Female conductor: Go a little further, it's very empty. 4 female boss of Internet cafe: Can't you get on? There are people waiting behind. Female nurse: Go to bed quickly and take off your pants! ⑥ female teacher: if she doesn't do well, she will be fined one hundred times. ⑥ female mountaineering commander: climb up even if she climbs.

1. Mom is on a business trip and Dad cooks. One day, the son asked, Dad, what's for lunch? Dad: It's not finished now. Who knows if it's burnt, raw or cooked?

2. A girl was in the third grade of primary school. Her mother bought her a new pencil case. After two days, she found that the pencil case was gone, so she asked her where it was. The girl calmly replied, "It's my boyfriend's breakup fee ..."

3. My classmate told me in surprise after the exam score came down that he handed in a blank paper and got a score of 15, and he nobly reminded the teacher whether he had made a mistake. The teacher told him seriously: this is a neat scroll ...

4. Father and son are listening to music around the radio. Son: Mozart's music is great! Father: son, you don't understand this. This is Beethoven's symphony! Announcer Qu Bi said: Thank you for listening to Northeast yangko dance.

5. Dad was sitting on a park bench, absorbed in reading the newspaper, and his son who was playing suddenly pointed to the sky and said, Dad, the plane! Dad said casually without looking up, be careful, don't touch it with your hands!

1. Doctor: Go and give the patient who was discharged from hospital today a sedative.

The nurse is puzzled: Why are you sedated when you can leave the hospital?

doctor: I'm afraid he can't stand the bill later!

2. Doctor: Your blood pressure is very high.

A Dai: It must be caused by fishing.

The doctor was puzzled: Does fishing raise blood pressure?

A Dai: No, I fished in the no-fishing area yesterday!

3. The surgeon said discontentedly to the patient, "Tell me honestly, how much wine do you drink every day?"

Patient: "Four bottles of beer."

Surgeon: "Didn't I warn you that you are only allowed to drink two bottles of beer every day?"

Patient: "Yes, but the physician also allows me to drink two bottles of beer every day!" "

4. When the patient went to the hospital, the doctor told him to smoke less cigarettes and drink less wine in the future.

The patient did it, but he got worse when he was reexamined.

The doctor said that you should stop smoking and drinking in the future. The patient said, "I didn't smoke or drink before!"

1. Huang Yaoshi chooses a husband and asks Guo Jing and Ouyang Ke to write a composition. Guo Jing racked his brains to write 5 words, but he was nervous. Unexpectedly, Ouyang Ke only wrote 14 words, and Guo Jing won easily. Ouyang Feng was furious and slapped Ouyang Ke in the face: "s-b! Tell you to write Weibo every day! "

2. Chatting with an old lady in the park, the old lady complained that her health was not as good as before. I said: nothing, look at your health, at least you can live to 9. The old lady said helplessly: I will be 9 in three months.

3. In a hotel in Zhengzhou, there was a fly in a well-sealed bottle of old village head wine, and the restaurant diners refused to pay for the meal. When the hotel asked the delivery clerk for an explanation, the salesman said: This fly flew from the northeast, and we can't control it.

4. Degenerate to the point where I want to go clubbing even on Monday night. I feel uneasy and pray to Goddess Guanyin: "Can I go clubbing tonight?"

Sister Guanyin gestured to me with her right hand: "OK!" I don't feel so guilty.

5. I found the name of my note on my girlfriend's QQ in computer class, so I asked her what it meant, and then she said it meant "mine", which moved me for a few days!

Today, I brought her mobile phone to play, to see what my name is in her phone book. As a result, I saw a C. What does this mean ... what does it mean? What's going on ...

6. Speaking of a buddy of mine, I went to a restaurant for a blind date.

the woman asked if she had a car.

The buddy replied:

A woman asked: What car

Dude: Honda.

woman: oh, that's not bad, much better than alto.

after dinner, the woman said to take the car out for a ride.

The buddy decisively went to the hotel garage and rode out a motorcycle.

The woman was angry and scolded: Your father, Wuyang Honda!

1. A classmate, on Singles Day a few days ago, sent a message to a favorite girl wishing her a happy Singles Day (he wanted to take the opportunity to express his confession). As a result, the girl replied, "I don't need it anymore, haha."

2. I broke up with my girlfriend and agreed not to talk to her until I die. The next day, I checked my mobile phone subscription and found that there were 499 minutes left in the monthly peer-to-peer call between us, so I sent it to her. Girlfriend said: Yes, you can't move cheaply ...

3. Girlfriend: Husband, my classmate asked me to go shopping. Give me some money quickly.

Boyfriend: Do you go out with other men with money?

Girlfriend poses in an S-shape, and says, You underestimate me. If I go out with a man, do I need to bring money?

4. Girlfriend: I just saw that you were a potential stock and bought it on dips. I didn't know that there was no upward trend for several years. I might as well choose a blue chip stock directly at the beginning.

Boyfriend: Be content. With your eyes, you will definitely buy PetroChina.

5. girlfriend: do you miss me?

boyfriend: yes.

girlfriend: where do you think?

boyfriend: everywhere.

girlfriend: when not! ?

boyfriend: I don't want to if you don't ask. . .

1. I had a headache and nausea this afternoon. My husband came back to see me lying in bed and hurriedly asked, "What's the matter? Do you want to see a doctor? " I was moved for a while and just wanted to say thank you. My husband then said, "I invited some friends to drink tonight and asked you to cook. What can I do if I get sick?"

2. My wife ate a lot in the evening, but soon she began to scold me.

I said, "I'm cooking and washing dishes. I didn't make any mistakes."

The wife replied, "It's wrong that you cooked a good table, which made me eat so much. I must digest it by educating you."

3. The professor went shopping with his wife, who asked him to wait for her in the men's lounge. He sat for a while, feeling bored, and found someone who was also waiting for his wife to play chess.

He brought a box of chess and was about to play chess. After thinking about it, he changed it to Go and said to the man, "My wife has been shopping for a long time, so she should have time to finish playing a game of Go. I have never seen anyone who can go shopping better than her. "

The man said slowly, "Let's play three dozen and win two."

4. A couple living in the suburbs received a hundred tulip seedlings from a friend in late autumn.

the wife has been urging her husband to plant, but he always procrastinates.

finally, my wife was desperate, so she planted it herself.

Of course, the husband is very happy-but when the flowers bloom in spring, he sees bright flowers arranged as "My husband is so lazy."