Bedtime joke

Jokes are short in length, simple and ingenious in story, and often unexpected, giving people a wonderful feeling of sudden laughter. The following is my carefully arranged bedtime jokes, welcome to share.

Sleeping joke 1 1, when dating, I asked, "What do you do?"

M: "My job is to control indoor lighting."

I thought it was high-tech, for fear that others would think I didn't know anything and didn't have the courage to ask, but I was flattered.

Later I learned, damn it, it was a curtain seller. ...

2. In order to propose to your girlfriend, pretend to learn physiognomy, cheat her to read her palm, and then tell her affectionately, look at your palm print, your future husband is a peerless good man, handsome and rich, and you can enjoy a lifetime of happiness when you marry him.

With a bang, my girlfriend said angrily to her face: If you want to break up with TM, just say so. ...

A friend likes to show off his wealth. One day, he invited him to dinner and said, "I don't lack anything now, such as a house, a car and savings." I don't know how to get her to bring things. "

At this time, a sister next to her said lightly, "You can ask her to bring you a child!" " .

4. "Will you leave me?"

"yes."

"When?"

"After you leave this world."

"Get out, why should I die first!" Girlfriend backhand slap ...

5. W: Honey, do you think my breasts are big?

Man: mmm! Like two mines!

Woman: Bah! Karen's house is not that big!

Man: mmm! Buried in the soil!

6. My girlfriend just put on a mask.

Girlfriend: Honey, do you think I'm white?

Me: Well, Bai!

Girlfriend: Then why don't you praise me?

Me: Oh, one white covers all the ugliness. ...

Pa ~ ~ resounded through the sky.

7. Visiting the night market with my girlfriend, she took a fancy to a little thing in the stall. The boss wants 30 yuan, and my girlfriend asks, "Can you make it cheaper?"

The boss disagreed, and his girlfriend bargained for 20 yuan. "I didn't bring much money for a walk, just 20 yuan."

The boss was about to agree when I said, "I still have money here."

My girlfriend snapped and turned away, so angry that she didn't buy anything.

Hey, hey, it's worth 20 yuan's slap, I snickered!

I found out today that my girlfriend is pregnant.

Me: What's the matter? You didn't take your medicine last time.

Girlfriend: Yes, I ate two pieces.

Me: Then why are you pregnant? What are you eating?

Girlfriend: antibiotics.

Me:! ! !

Joke 2 1 before going to bed, my 7-year-old son ran into the room and showed me a crawling caterpillar in his hand. When I saw this bug, I was scared, but I couldn't let my son see it, so I said in a relaxed tone, "Take it outside quickly, its mother must be looking for it."

My son turned and walked out. I think I have achieved my goal. But who knows that he will come back soon with two caterpillars crawling on his hands: "Mom, I brought his mother!" " "

My son just entered the first grade, and one day he forgot to bring his pencil case. His anxious mother sent it to him specially during class. The teacher touched his son's head and whispered, "Say goodbye to mom."

Immediately, dozens of students in the class shouted in unison: "Goodbye, Mom!" " "

3. Dad: "Don't move your feet when you eat."

Son: "how do you see my feet under the table?" Is it because your feet have corns? "

My 4-year-old and 3-year-old daughters said she could make sentences, so I asked her to make sentences with "young". She immediately made a sentence: "Mom lost weight when she was young, and lost a lot of pounds."

In order to express my desire for my son, I named him "Zhuoyue". For seven years, there is nothing wrong with this name. I watched TV the night before yesterday, and there was an advertisement on TV. The slogan is "Challenge the limit and pursue excellence". My son suddenly asked me, "Dad, why do they pursue me?"

6. The children get together and everyone performs.

One of the children is very good. He plays the piano on the stage. After the performance, the parents who watched the performance kept calling for her to perform again.

The teacher asked her if she wanted to play another song. As a result, the child was so anxious that he was about to cry: "I didn't play it wrong, why should I play it again?"

7. It is really a biological child.

My wife farted while watching TV last night, and I was just about to say something sarcastic. The five-year-old son next to him said silently, "The light in the corridor is on ..."

8. The financial storm is coming.

The son took the cash from home to the balcony and said, "The financial storm is coming!" " "

I have my own pocket money.

Me: Little girl, uncle will buy you some candy. Little girl: I have my own pocket money. Me: Hey, how much pocket money can you have? Little girl: I have saved more than 8 thousand. Me: ok ... can I buy a pack of cigarettes for my uncle?

10, you can't take the train at night

Son and mother are chatting on the train. Son: Mom, you can't take the train at night. Ghosts! Mom: Don't talk nonsense, there are ghosts! Children: There are footprints!

Jokes before going to bed 3 1, satisfied

"Hey, how are you, Frederick?" Father asked. "Is your female teacher satisfied with you?"

"Ah, yes, Dad, very satisfied." "How do you know? Did I tell you myself? "

"Of course, Dad," she said to me the day before yesterday, "if all the students like it.

If you do this, I will leave school at once. "This shows that I have learned everything."

2. Benefits

What are the benefits of public places around the college for their study?

1 disco: English

2. Billiards Hall: Mathematics and Physics

3. Bar: Chemistry

4. Hotel: Biology

3. Study

A student threw a coin into the air: "Go to the movies with your head up, play billiards with your back up, and study if the coin stands up."

4. One hour of happiness

President Gao: Students, you are in a degenerate era, and you are surrounded by various temptations. I want to ask you a question,

Is it worthwhile to exchange one hour of happiness for a lifetime of humiliation?

Student: Principal, how to be happy for an hour?

5. abstract painting

When handing in homework to the art teacher, one student only handed in a blank sheet of paper.

The teacher asked, "What about that painting?"

The student replied, "Here?" He pointed to a blank sheet of paper and said.

Teacher: "What did you draw?"

Student: "Cows eat grass."

Teacher: "Where is the grass?"

Student: "We ate all the cows."

Teacher: "Where are the cows?"

Student: "All the grass has been eaten, why are the cows still standing there?"

Step 6 be wronged

Father: "Son, how did you become the worst student in the class?" son

: "Can you blame me? The worst students were transferred to another school. "

7. inertia

The physics teacher is talking about inertia, and the next student is talking nonsense.

The teacher gave him a hint, but he still went his own way. Teacher: What did I just say?

Student: Inertia

Teacher: Please give an example.

Student: I was just talking below. Although you gave me a hint, I still can't stop at once. This is inertia.

8. notice; pay attention to

"What's wrong with you today? What have you been fiddling with it for so long? " Father said, from

The son grabbed the notice and turned it over. A teacher wrote a comment: "shoot slingshots in class, put bugs in classmates' pockets ... please talk to parents." "

"When you do these things at school, what kind of person will you be when you grow up?" The father yelled at his son.

"Dad, this is not my notice. I found it in your old box. "

9. Dad infected me.

One day, both father and son got up very late. Father didn't go to work and son didn't go to school.

"In the office, people will think that I am ill. What about you? When your classmates ask about you, how do you answer? " The father asked his son.

"I told you that my father's illness infected me."

10 island

One day, my mother killed a mouse in the house. She didn't want her neighbors to know, so she told her little son not to tell anyone because the mouse was dirty. But Xiao Yao said to his classmates, "My family has a secret, which is too dirty to tell you."

1 1, me after 30 years.

In the fifth grade composition class, the teacher assigned a composition topic "Me Thirty Years Later".

Xiaomei, a girl in the class, wrote: ... The weather is fine today. I take my children to the park to play. I'm driving the limousine my husband bought me, with a big diamond ring on my finger and a gold necklace he just bought me last month around my neck. I was walking in the park with my lovely children, and people everywhere envied me. Suddenly, a smelly, muddy and homeless old lady rushed out of the road. I looked at it carefully. Oh, my God! She used to be my Chinese teacher in grade five. ...

12 dad is hungry

Dad told the children that when he was a child, his family was poor and often went hungry. After listening to the story, the little daughter had tears in her eyes, and the cake in her hand was only half eaten. She said sympathetically to her father, "Oh, Dad, I see. You came to our house because you had no food, didn't you? "

Little joke before going to bed 4 couples quarrel

A classmate was admitted to graduate school, and one day he heard a couple quarreling. Woman: "You lied to me!" Man: "I didn't lie to you!" " Woman: "You are lying to me." You don't even want to be with me. Don't think I don't know. You're only with me to steal my experimental data! "

The trend is good.

Six months ago, in order to gain weight, I filled out an Excel form and generated a trend chart. Today, my colleague passed by my seat, only to see him pass by and fall back thoughtfully. He whispered in my ear, "hmm … can you tell me which stock you are?" ? The trend is quite good ... "

Repair electric drill

I am an orthopedic surgeon, and I often have operations. One day, surgery was performed on tibia and fibula fractures. The patient is a middle-aged man in his forties. I have no idea what happened that day. Several electric drills were changed during the operation, but they were all broken and could not work well. At this time, the patient who had been lying there quietly suddenly spoke weakly: "Let me see, I repair the electric drill ..."

A victorious situation

Today, I was idle and bored. I sorted out my mobile phone messages and found that I won countless prizes: I had a total of more than 8,000 yuan, 2 Mercedes-Benz cars, 3 Lamborghini cars, 1 Porsche car, 1 iPhone4, 5 and 6. There are several sons, a lost daughter, 10 from the general manager, six relatives, two companies and five court summons. The telephone bill was owed more than 20,000 yuan, and the credit card was maxed out four times.

Jokes before going to bed 5 1, people in the workplace should be KFC (willing to work hard to get opportunities), McDonald's (working hard) and Pizza Hut (sure to win customers).

2, the sky is gray, in the wild, busy with work every day, very scared every day, very worried at night, except that the company is a bed, people are boundless, the heart is cold, always thinking about the year-end award, the wind is strong, the moon is bright, and the buddy is definitely better than me.

3. The general manager of a certain group lectured: "You only lie and brag all day, and there is no truth. What can you do except let you be laid off? " Trained employee: "then let me go to the advertising department!" "

4. Three obedience and four virtues in the workplace. Obey the boss, obey the money, obey the rules; Work hard, eat dead cats, suffer indignities and talk.

At the end of the year, the manager held a staff meeting: colleagues worked hard for a year, and the company decided to raise wages in disguise. Everyone was very excited, and the manager added, I used to deduct 100 yuan for being late, but now I will deduct 50 yuan. In the future, whoever is late will take advantage.

The bank manager hired an ugly man with squint eyes, crooked nose and crooked ears as a cashier, which surprised everyone. The manager explained: If he absconded with money, it would be easy for us to state his outstanding features on the wanted notice.

7. Xiao Wang is responsible for the recruitment of the company. Recently, the company wants to recruit a group of employees. Xiao Wang asked candidates to fill in the personal data form. The next day, when Xiao Wang checked the registration form, he found that one of them had written "oval face" in the political outlook column, and he burst into tears on the spot.

Although I just want to be a coolie, I have to dress up before I can find a job in the talent market! You can't make a fool of yourself in public. So I wore a suit and tie, polished my shoes and continued on my way. When I arrived at the talent market, I saw a sea of people, which was impenetrable. I didn't squeeze in, thinking, "With my conditions, finding a coolie is a piece of cake!" " "So I waited and waited. After the sun went down, no one came to recruit me. There is almost no hope. At this time, a man came quickly, and I quickly adjusted my hair. As long as he talks, I will promise anything. He came over and said only one sentence: "Boss, do you want to recruit a coolie?" " "

Bedtime joke 6 1, rounded off

Zaizai came back from school in high spirits and asked his mother, "Where is Dad?"

Mother saw Zaizai's excitement and asked strangely, "Is Dad at home? What do you want dad to do? " I asked my father for fifty cents. “

"Why?" Mom asked.

"Before taking the math exam, my father said to me,' If I get 100, I will get 1 yuan, and 80 will be divided into 8 cents.' Today, I got 45 points in math. "Aberdeen replied.

My mother was surprised and asked, "What! Mathematics is only 45 points? "

Zaizai proudly said, "Yes, it must be rounded up mathematically, so Dad has to pay 50 cents."

2. Law of multiplication and distribution

The teacher found a student's name in the exercise book: Mu (1+2+3).

The teacher asked, "Whose exercise book is this?"

A student stood up and said, "It's mine!"

Teacher: "What's your name?"

Student: "Mulinsen!"

Teacher: "Then how did you write your name like this?"

Student: "I used the law of multiplication and distribution!" " "

3. Numbers don't lie.

"Numbers don't lie," said the teacher. "If a house takes one person twelve days to build, then twelve people only need one day. One hour is enough for 288 people. "

A student went on to say, "Seventeen thousand two hundred and eighty people only need one minute, and 1,036,800 people only need one second. Besides, if it takes six days for one ship to cross the Atlantic, it will take six ships one day. Four cups of 25-degree water add up to boiling water! Numbers don't lie! "

4. Composition score

In Chinese composition class, the teacher assigned a 500-word composition.

When the bell rang, a student found that he had only written 250 words. He had a brainwave and wrote "the above content ×2" in the last line of the article.

A few days later, the composition book was issued, and the position of the score suddenly appeared "80÷2".

5,0 ability

Once, 9 said contemptuously to 0, "Your skill is only 0".

0 bowed his head and replied respectfully, "I admit it." You really admire me, because your skill is ten thousand times that of me (that is, 0* 10000) ".

Stupid and proud to strut. However, it attracted the laughter of other characters.

6. Half past eleven

In the fourth class in the morning, A was hungry, so he didn't want to go to class. He just sat in his seat thinking about beef and bread.

The math teacher found him distracted and asked him, "What if the decimal number 1. 130 moves one place to the right?"

A student replied without hesitation, "there will be lunch!" " "

7. possibility

I visited the weather station and saw many latest instruments to predict the weather.

After the visit, I asked the stationmaster, "You said there was a 75% chance of rain. How did you calculate it?"

Without much thought, the stationmaster replied, "That is to say, there are four people here, and three of them think it will rain."

8, left and right apart

The teacher asked a question: 8÷2=?

Then I asked everyone, "How much is 8 divided into two halves?"

Pippi replied: "It is equal to 0!"

The teacher said, "How come?"

Pippi explained: "Separate up and down!"

Ding Ding said: "No, it is equal to the ear!"

Teacher: "Oh?"

Tintin replied, "Let's separate the left from the right!" "

9. Go to study

A student threw a coin into the air: "Watch TV face up and play games with the back up. If the coin stands up, I will study."

10 questions about time

In a math class, the teacher asked the students, "Who can ask a question about time?" As soon as the voice fell, a student raised his hand and stood up and asked, "Teacher, when is school over?"

;