Funny jokes _ humorous jokes daquan (2)

Humorous jokes and simplified articles

1. When I was reading a horror novel in the self-study class, I saw that "a hand reached over", and the class teacher secretly reached out to me and took the book away. Just then, I screamed, grabbed a compass and stuck it down. . . And then it was gone.

I just chatted with my girlfriend. What did she say you were doing? I said work. She said, who's alive? I said, that's the man who can give me money if he does it. How dare she say, I knew you had problems with your leader?

I was online all night last night. I accidentally fell asleep in English class this morning. My English teacher called me and asked me: Why did you go last night? I said in a daze: ah! Her face was red with anger: get out ~ ~

Li Jian sells shoes in a shopping mall. Because she just joined the work, she was very enthusiastic and took the initiative to help customers take off their shoes and change them! The customer was very moved and felt embarrassed not to buy shoes. In this way, business is getting better and better! The manager was very happy, praised Li Jian, raised his salary, and adjusted him to a position with high profit and high commission: senior underwear counter! The next day, Li Jian was fired!

5. My ex-girlfriend whom I haven't contacted for several years sent me a message: Did you buy a house or a car? I'll marry you if I buy it! Me: I'm going to buy a car and bought two houses! Ex-girlfriend: Really? Me: Really! One for us to live in, the other for our son, all from my father-in-law!

6. What is the bright side of everything? When I was a sophomore, I chased a girl in my class and wrote her a love letter of more than 20 thousand words. Unexpectedly, she made a mistake, not only rejected me, but also spread the love letter everywhere. I am ashamed, and my teacher's school is bothering me every day. However, from then on, the whole school knew that I was knowledgeable and talented? Later, I not only became the editor-in-chief of the school newspaper, but also received a love letter from the school flower?

7. The family eats glutinous rice balls together, with five in each bowl. My mother says they stand for: wealth, happiness, success, wishful thinking and health. The six-year-old brother suddenly said, what a pity that such a good thing has been destroyed!

8. There is a handsome guy on the opposite balcony. He plays with his mobile phone in the sun every day, and sometimes he looks up and smiles at me? I am heartbroken, so I run out of the balcony every day and pretend to hang my clothes to see him. One day, my broadband expired, because I was too busy to pay, and the handsome guy disappeared. I really want to see him.

9. The boss called me to him and told me, rape, are you satisfied with your present job? ! My little darling, chug chug, is this a blessing or a curse? I quickly flatter, satisfied, very satisfied, and the boss is wise and SHEN WOO, handsome, and makes the gods cry. After listening to this, the boss smiled, patted me on the shoulder and said, uh-huh, work hard, nothing more, just being in a bad mood. Listen to your flattery and calm down! !

10, neighbors have been infertile for many years and are unhappy all day. Since I recommended this joke, I not only came back smiling, but also was a child! Sincerely bless them. I'm so happy!

1 1. The first thing a Japanese woman said on her wedding night was, "Please forgive me if my service is not good tonight." The first thing a woman in China said on her wedding night was, "Go and see how much money she received today."

12, I went to the barber shop with my girlfriend, and a sister paper washed my hair. I had a good chat with my sister. My sister suddenly asked me: You don't have a girlfriend, do you? Me: Yes, I wash my hair here! Sister paper smiled when she heard this, and then blushed and kissed my forehead?

13, I wanted to sing in ktv today, but I had no money, so I went to a box and said that if I lost the big adventure, the punishment would be to come and sing a song. As a result, I sang more than 20 boxes, drank a lot of wine for free, and the girl in the box wanted to leave my phone number! I'm so fucking witty! I still admire myself!

14. When I was a child, as soon as I cried, my mother said to cry again, and the old witch came to arrest you, and I stopped crying immediately. Later, I grew up and fell in love with a girl. Every time I quarrel with her, I laugh and say that she is an old witch. I have been with her for more than two years, and my parents have quarreled for more than two years. In desperation, we separated. A year later, she got married. That day, I sat on the sofa and turned to ask my mother: Mom, do you think that if I cry now, will the old witch come to arrest me? My mother looked at me blankly, and I bowed my head and smiled.

15, playing truth or dare with my buddy, one buddy lost and chose to take the risk. We asked him to call 10086 to buy sanitary napkins, and the phone was connected. Customer Service: Welcome to call 10086. what can I do for you? Dude: Give me a pack of sanitary napkins. Customer Service: Sorry, sir, we don't have this service here. Dude: I bought it before. Why don't I sell it now? Customer Service: Sorry, sir, we really don't have this service here. Why not call 100 10?

16, I was driving, and my boyfriend nagged me about my inexperience and poor skills and asked me to come down and drive for him. My original good mood was disturbed by him. I said angrily, "There are several cars beside me. If you really want to drive, can't you throw a coin yourself? "

17. On the way home, Xiaolizi accidentally dropped the golden statuette she got into the river. Just when she was extremely anxious, a river god surfaced: "Is this little iron man yours?" ? Xiao Lizi shook her head: "Is this little copper man yours?" Xiao Lizi shook her head: "Is this little silver man yours?" Small every day and shook his head. The river god said, "You are an honest boy. Bye. "

18, who said that true love must be based on material things? I disagree with this sentence. I had three companies and met my daughter-in-law. All the companies closed down because of poor management, but she is still with me. That's tuition. I have decided to ask my parents for another 100 million yuan. I don't believe it. I won't make a comeback?

19. When I slept last night, I suddenly felt my mouth blocked. I opened my eyes and saw a woman with long hair giving me artificial respiration. I kicked him under the bed. My daughter-in-law stood up and asked me angrily, what are you doing? I asked my daughter-in-law: Why don't you sleep at night? Daughter-in-law replied: I just got up to go to the toilet. It's cute to watch you sleep. I can't help kissing you. Damn it, you scared me to death. I thought a ghost appeared out of nowhere in the middle of the night and sucked my yang away. .

20. An old woman dropped her vegetables when she was walking. She bent down and couldn't pick it up, so she called Xiaoming: Xiaoming, can you help me? Xiao Ming: "OK" Then Xiao Ming pressed the old woman's waist!

Humor, hilarious jokes, hot articles

1. Just now, my son was taking a bath. My son asked me to pass him a towel. I don't want to move So I called my daughter-in-law and no one answered for a long time. Suddenly I heard a sentence: "Your daughter-in-law took a bath with me. The sound seems to be coming from the neighbor's house next door.

2. Some time ago, a buddy went on a blind date, and the object turned out to be a female deskmate in junior high school. The two tried to date. I had a drink with him last night and asked him how he was doing. He sighed and said, "Well, it's the same as the last exam." Me: "What do you mean?" Dude: "She won't let me copy.

I often use it. When I was at school, I was bored after class and played with my mobile phone. Suddenly, someone leaned down. I thought it was my girlfriend, so I kissed her I didn't expect her to be the head teacher?

4. I quarreled with my girlfriend during the Cold War, and I wanted to make up. She ignored me, so I transferred 520 in her Alipay in the morning and then transferred 13 14. Hey, hey, I got her message. She said: If you are sincere, don't say a word twice. Holy shit?

I was visiting a friend's house when my friend's son fell into the water tank in the yard. In a flash, I remembered the story of Sima Guang, who smashed a big water tank with a stone and looked at the saved child with joy! My friend who heard the noise ran out of the room, looked at me with tears in his eyes, held my hand tightly and said in a trembling voice, Cylinder! Song dynasty!

6. A Dubai man walked into a Swiss bank with a box of money and whispered to the lady at the counter, "I want to open an account of 5 million dirhams". The lady replied in a normal voice, "You don't have to whisper. It is not shameful to be poor in our country! " !

7. The blue friend I just met is cold and not cute at all! I lost my wallet yesterday! There is 1500 in the wallet! I told him that he just said "well", don't be sad! Go do your own thing! He doesn't seem to feel anything about the money I worked so hard to save! I don't know how sad it is! He may feel that he has done his boyfriend's duty by transferring 2000 yuan from WeChat! Don't care about people, only use money to solve problems!

8. Female slag fell asleep in math class. The teacher hit him with a black face with a chalk head. Then look at the black-faced male schoolmaster and arrest him. Teacher "You?" . Xueba "She studied too late last night". Teacher "her?" . Xueba "Students' health is more important than their studies". Teacher "is that okay?" "Xueba" I teach as well as you do. " At this time, the female slag woke up and asked, "What's the matter? "Xueba smiled gently." It's okay. You go back to sleep. "What a warm story! !

9. I once loved a woman and she loved this song very much! Now hear, tears have come out? Don't ask me why I left her! Because her husband found out!

10. When studying, the teacher often tells us, in fact, I envy you for falling in love at your age. At least love at this age is pure, not troubled by family and material things, but pure love! So I don't object to your puppy love, but you should do well in your academic performance. If you are troubled by feelings, you can tell me, and I will enlighten you ~ I am very grateful to the teacher for listening, and I thank the teacher for understanding us. Is it true that once I was trapped by my feelings and talked to my teacher? Then the next day, I was informed by the whole school because of puppy love, or was it too young?

1 1. "You are a big man, still quarreling with women, or your wife, shouldn't you apologize?" Looking at my wife, I relented and said, "wife, I'm sorry, I won't argue with you in the future." I will listen to you in the future! " "My wife took the knife away from my neck, and then my brother-in-law put away the bricks, and my sister-in-law loosened my hair?

12. Mom is very humorous. She started a mobile phone the other day 5 100. Mom said: it's too extravagant, so much money for a mobile phone. I said: this mobile phone is powerful, and the computer can do everything. Mom is coming: the computer can play discs, can it? Well, that makes sense, but I'm speechless!

13. A man went hunting in the forest and ran past a fox. He quickly drew his bow and shot an arrow. Unexpectedly, after the arrow flew out, it turned a corner and hit itself. "How can this happen!" "Haha, I am a reflection fox."

14. After graduating from college, my friend introduced me to a girlfriend. Both my parents and her parents went on a blind date. The girl looks very quiet and gentle, and her sitting posture is particularly dignified. Her waist is straight and her hair is waist-high. It feels really good. The woman's parents said, let's go out and have a look. Sitting here is boring. So the landlord went out with this girl. Just out of the teahouse, the woman said: lying in the trough, choking my mother, pretending to be a lady is really tired. Hey, do you have a cigarette? Give me one. I spit out an old blood.

15. That year, I met a little girl selling oil cakes. She is a special god. No matter how many cakes she sells, she doesn't have to weigh them, so she is called Liu Yidao. Later, I asked her how you were so nice. She said frankly, who bought it to weigh? I am confused. Cut a little more when you see handsome ones, and a little less when you see ugly ones. Girl, let's talk. So you cut me fewer pancakes every time? Liu Yidao replied, "Brother, you are so ugly. You can't get a wife if you don't lose weight. I did it for your own good. " Girl, I will forgive you for having a knife in your hand!

16. At noon, my mother is playing computer games to fight landlords. I tasted the food and found it salty, so I complained that your food was fried salty. She said without looking back that if it is salty, she can eat it later. I wonder if it's not salty after eating it. She's right, time will dilute everything? all .....

17. A woman passed by an armored car and casually asked her brother, "Are there any bullets in your gun?" The escort's brother HLL replied, "I have bullets in both guns." Everyone around me is XE. . Two guns. There are bullets.

Class reunion at KTV. Everyone drank a little wine and got a little drunk. As soon as I went to primary school, a wretched male classmate sat next to his sisters, smoking gloomily and vaguely saying to them, "Are you still single?" Are you free? Are you lonely? Have you no desire? "My sisters said softly," I will think of you when I have desire, and I will be calm. "

19. recently, my wife and I graduated from school: I want to have a smart child this year, and I want to have a blessed child in the year of the pig? Me: That second child won't be bullied to death by the boss. He is a pig all day. I am your monkey brother! ! !

20. Dad asked the child, "You said Uncle Wang next door often comes to our house, but I have never seen him once?" The child said, "As soon as you come back, Uncle Wang will hide in the closet here." Dad said, "Then why don't you talk?" The child said, "Uncle Wang said that if I don't talk at a time, I will give one hundred dollars. Have I saved a lot? "

Humorous jokes, simple articles

Do you still have an umbrella in this dark? B: Aren't you still alive because you are so ugly?

Second, the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing gently, the willows are shaking their branches affectionately, the peach blossoms are spitting charming fragrance, and the stream is singing cheerful songs. What a picture of spring, what I want to say is? Work hard, the boss is coming!

On the other side of the mountain, there is an ancient legend, which has become a classic in the past and even now. Want to know what this legend is? Listen carefully: there is a temple in the mountain, and there is an old man in the temple. Now he is reading short messages, giggling!

Fourth, the information is received and the incident is not good; Keyboard failure, command failure; The bell rang wildly and the host roared; If you are upset, throw away your mobile phone; Laugh after reading it, and the god of wealth will come; You are a fool if you don't laugh! Did you laugh?

If I have 6,543,800 yuan, I will take you around the world and enjoy the famous mountains and rivers. If I have 65438+ million, I will give you a brand-name bag to let you enjoy the luxury feeling; If I have 1000 yuan, I will take you to the seaside and enjoy the leisure of the holiday; If I have 0. 1 10,000, I will bring it.

Six, decades later, we meet again, send them to the crematorium, burn them all to ashes, one for you, one for me, no one knows who, and send them all to the countryside to make fertilizer.

Seven, kind-hearted, smart, handsome, rich in content, serious attitude, persistent personality. Alas! Do you still want people to live? Are you all talking about this? Don't! Oh, I wish you happiness!

Eight, revealing half ass doesn't mean you are sexy, it only means that your underwear is small!

If you love me, treat me well. If you never loved me, make it clear, I can understand. If you have to ask me if I love you, I can tell you, actually? I have never loved you!

Ten, found a secret, modern society is very strange: the cat drank coke, the sheep fell in love with the wolf, the wings began to disappear, and autumn did not come back. The orcs thousands of miles away actually serenaded.

Eleven, you have the courage to treat yourself as a person, without considering that your IQ is negative. Do you deserve to be human?

Twelve, you are still beautiful. If you look like that, your goal is to scare someone to death, right? Seeing that you are getting weaker every day and seeing your mother, I immediately understand what a young lady's body and a girl's life are.

Thirteen, beautiful you are cute, love to eat meat often drops, fat you and I still love, save glory, waste shame. Everything in the bowl should be dripped after eating, but there is no need to lick the bowl clean every time!

Fourteen, time flies, the cold wind blows in winter, go out with cotton-padded clothes and caps, eat less meat and eat more vegetables, leave your troubles behind, keep an optimistic attitude, and remember to dry the quilt that was wet last night. Have a nice day!

Fifteen, men nowadays look more and more fucking horrible.

16. Q: What do you like about me? A: I like you to stay away from me!

17, see you pretend to be weaker every day, see your mother immediately understand what is the life of a young lady.

You're working, aren't you? Are you tired? There is one thing that I have been holding in my mind for a long time. After careful consideration, I decided to tell you. What I want to tell you is. Even now, there is still a period of time before going to work.

Nineteen, you are small in the crowd and great in the pigsty!

I just stood and watched you down and out.