That day, the morning glow was like blood

That day has been hidden in my heart for three years. I dare not touch it, dare not put it into words and air it out, just like this, buried deep in my heart. At first, I experienced many sleepless nights. It was always tumbling, wandering continuously from my heart to my mind, slowly gnawing at the most fragile nerves in my heart, leaving my heart scarred. As the calm days pass day by day, everything no longer seems important, even a living life disappears! Nothing seems to have happened. We still live a life as dull as yesterday, confused and indifferent to people and things all day long! It was just by chance that I met a friend who could open my heart. The scab hidden in my heart started to hurt, or maybe it was hurting all the time, but it was just numb. Now I suddenly feel that I shouldn't just let everything go by lightly. , this is a memory that should not be forgotten, so on a deep night, I brewed a cup of tea, and through the mist on the tea cup, that day appeared clearly in front of me, and there was another person who also appeared clearly. The once youthful face...

My niece, Qing'er, my second brother's daughter.

When Qing'er was a child, she had a round and rosy face. She was a very lively and agile girl. I often help my second sister-in-law with housework, and often say one or two innocent words at our big family gatherings to make everyone laugh. This situation lasted until Qinger was thirteen years old.

The thirteen-year-old girl is already familiar with the world, but she is still pure-hearted. This year she came into contact with Buddhism with her second sister-in-law. For a very new thing, children's understanding is different from adults. An adult is entangled in too many worldly things. He can only explore them in his free time as a kind of food to soothe the spiritual world, but it is impossible to devote himself to it. But the child who had plenty of time and was very simple was not like this. Qing'er was talented and intelligent and had a high level of understanding. She was quickly attracted by the profound principles in Buddhism. She integrated into that wonderful world faster and deeper than her mother. So she changed! She no longer talks about interesting things without restraint, but spends more time meditating and pondering the truths in the scriptures. She has a maturity and rationality that is inappropriate for her age. Her thinking often overrides the environment in which she lives. She does not understand the childish and sometimes selfish behavior of her classmates. Even the words and deeds of some teachers make her confused and uncomfortable. She is almost demanding on herself, is ashamed of her little selfish desires, and often punishes herself for it. For example, in the winter, she went to kneel outside in the dark night and reflect... Gradually, people around her began to look at her with strange eyes. When most people followed a certain mediocre habit, this habit became the truth. , her performance is different! The classmates began to avoid her, and even some low-quality teachers would hide their faces and smile or whisper when they saw her. Teachers are originally preachers, imparters of knowledge, and engineers of the human soul. However, the team of teachers is also a mixed bag of good and bad. There are excellent and conscientious tutors (such as Teacher Zhang, Qing'er's former class teacher. After Qing'er fell ill, he kept chanting... At my request, Teacher Zhang took time out of his busy schedule to visit my second brother’s house with gifts at noon. Here, on behalf of our whole family, I pay tribute to Teacher Zhang! Halo scum! I have already discovered the problem, but instead of actively guiding the students, I reduce myself to an ordinary person to ridicule and laugh at him. The consequences of this behavior are even more serious! Because in the innocent world of children, the status of teachers is above all else, and the teacher’s affirmation or denial will directly affect their character and their lives! A young girl whose mind was so pure that she could not bear a trace of dirt, was at a loss when faced with such an environment. She could only wrap herself up tightly and stop talking or communicating with others. Became a lonely pilgrim!

When one day, she said that she heard sounds that were not there and saw things that were not there, (medically called auditory hallucinations and visual hallucinations) her depression finally reached the extreme, and she really Became a different type, a schizophrenic patient!

Being at the top of her class, she had to drop out of school and go home for treatment. The second brother, who had been busy all the time, was furious at his second sister-in-law when he saw the medical certificate. The second sister-in-law beat her chest and stamped her feet, wailing loudly. Our entire family is shocked and heartbroken!

I took care of Qinger for a while when she was hospitalized for treatment. This is a municipal mental hospital, and the small courtyard is full of patients.

After having close contact with mental patients, I discovered that "patients" in the eyes of ordinary people are actually "angels" sometimes. That is another kind of spiritual world and personality world. Compared with the mediocrity we are used to every day, sometimes we need to look up to them! They have no distracting thoughts and are simple and kind. A little girl of the same age as my niece needed to get the loading carts in and out of the hospital because of renovations. The hanging curtain was in the way and it was winter, so it was not appropriate to take it off. The doctor arranged for her to guard the door and lift the curtain. She stayed there happily, doing it all morning without getting bored at all. There was also a little handsome boy whose mouth couldn't be closed due to the wrong medicine given by the doctor. He opened his mouth happily for two days, his body shaking with hunger, but he still had a bright smile on his face. There was also an old man who walked from the east end of the yard to the west end, then knelt down and worshiped, then got up and walked again and worshiped again! The whole morning passed, tirelessly, like walking on a pilgrimage! The reason why they are patients is because they all have an obsession in their hearts, a sacred thing that is not accepted by ordinary people, living deep in their hearts.

Qing'er is very happy when she is with me. She has liked to pester me since she was a child, because I am also childish and can talk to the children of the younger generation. She taught me about Buddhism, and I listened carefully and offered my own opinions from time to time. She always quickly understood what I meant and said happily, "Little aunt, you have such a good understanding, you should also learn Buddhism!" During that time, I took her to play table tennis during the day and go for a walk in the fields next to the hospital in the evening. Her face gradually became rosier and her smile became more numerous. Apart from the fact that she still had auditory hallucinations, I really couldn't tell that she was a patient. In this way we spent a happy time together!

As the days passed, Qing'er grew up into a tall and graceful girl. He has a slender figure, long shawl hair, a round face, and fair complexion, but his big eyes are sometimes frozen and sometimes drifting due to the torture of his illness. Because he is this kind of patient, he cannot choose a very outstanding partner, but at the age when he should marry, he finds a very responsible family. Even though the young man knew that she was a patient, he still fell in love with her at first sight and often sent young people text messages about love on her mobile phone. Qing'er was very happy and her eyes became clear. She often sent these text messages to her. He sent me similar text messages and felt that he had found the prince charming in his life. People like them are more often idealists, always giving more perfect imaginations to the future. But life is full of variables, and they are people who can't make compromises. Once the living reality disappoints them, they will collapse and fall into eternal disaster!

Life after marriage was as dull as water, and there were no children in the first two years. My mother-in-law and husband gradually lost their original enthusiasm, and sometimes made sarcastic remarks. She was a very smart person, so she couldn't help but feel sad inside. She became pregnant in the third year. In order to give birth to a healthy baby, the greatness of maternal love made her refuse to take medicine (psychiatric patients usually cannot stop taking medicine). After she was pregnant for ten months and gave birth to her child, her spirit was completely confused and she was admitted to the hospital again. I went to visit her. Her hair was disheveled, her eyes were dull, she was talking nonsense and calling me by my name. During that time, she was tied to the hospital bed to prevent her from doing anything drastic!

Mental patients are actually a group of vulnerable groups. Drugs can play a certain therapeutic role, but more importantly, people need to care for them. And the best care is respect! Respect their needs instead of being cold and exclusive. After a period of treatment, Qing'er's condition was under control. On the surface, she talked and laughed like a normal person, but she spent more time living in her own spiritual world. Her relatives are too busy and no one pays attention to what she thinks about all day long. She couldn't bear the strange looks from her neighbors, so she had to stay at home. After being sick for a while, the child was also very unfamiliar to her, so she spent more time sitting on the balcony looking at the sky above her head in a daze!

On the twentieth day of the twelfth lunar month in 2015, she suddenly came to my place. She said she wanted a divorce because she felt her husband didn't love her anymore. I patiently explained to her that life is not easy. She has to worry about everything, including food, rice, oil and salt. Your husband is the only one who carries the burden of your family. He does not have that much time to express his love for you. I said a lot, but she only said one thing: I can feel that he dislikes me!

Her husband came to see her in the evening, and when I saw her husband’s twisted face, I realized something.

She secretly asked me to ask her husband if he no longer needs her after having a son. Otherwise, why is he so cold to her? ! well! Sensitive nerves and strong self-esteem are the root causes of their illness! Such a person and a husband who does not have much education and is a bit dull will not have more in common with each other. I avoided her and talked with her husband for a while, telling him to pay more attention to her mentally in the future. Her husband also complained that she could not do anything to help him like other women. His words disgusted me. I said that if she was not sick, let alone being like other women, she would even be better than ordinary women. With her intelligence, she would have been admitted to college early, and it was your turn to marry her? ! Besides, I told you before getting married that she is a patient. She can't help you with anything, she just needs to do what she can! She even gave birth to your son without caring about her own body! Now that her condition is just a little better, if you ask her too much and stimulate her, wouldn't it be more difficult if the condition worsens? ! He was speechless, lowered his head and promised not to argue with her again, and to try not to disturb her purity. It was not easy to think of him, so I couldn’t blame him any more, so I told him to just give him a shout if he had any difficulties in the future, and his relatives would help him! He sighed and said nothing more.

In the evening she followed her husband reluctantly, and I looked at their retreating figures with some concern. The road ahead is still very long for this young couple. I wonder if they can get through it smoothly.

Qing'er came back early the next morning. She was originally going back to her parents' home, but her second sister-in-law saw that her condition was relatively stable during this period, so she found a temporary job and was away from home. The grumpy second brother disliked her running around and scolded her whenever we met. I became her final destination. Besides, I can see that she also likes to stay here. I open a small supermarket and there are many people coming and going. She is here, no one knows her, they just think she is the clerk I hired, and no one will look at her strangely. She gets the respect she deserves as a person, and the customers greet her warmly, She also happily chatted and joked with customers! During the meal, because my two sons were present, she was a little reserved. After the meal, she rushed to clear the dishes. She and I slept on the same bed at night. She felt that my quilt was not as thick as hers, and she changed it while I was out washing. What a thoughtful and good boy! Sometimes I think she is mentally healthier than a normal person, but she is a patient with mental problems!

Two days later, her husband took her away again! She didn’t want to leave, but I prepared a lot of delicious food and toys for her son, and she wanted to take these things back, so she reluctantly left!

The next day, she came back again! She brought a large bag of morning glory seeds that she had picked in the fields herself. Because she saw that her uncle had a bad appetite these days, she said that she had a folk recipe of frying morning glory seeds and eating them as snacks to treat food accumulation in the stomach. Her uncle was very happy and praised her for her thoughtfulness. I noticed that she was secretly relieved. Can you say that this child is sick? She is very good at capturing people's psychology! She was afraid that her uncle would dislike her.

When I came back this time, I found that she had changed significantly. Because the Spring Festival is approaching, the business in my store is getting busier. My second sister-in-law is afraid that she will cause trouble to me, so she calls her several times a day to urge her to go back. She became depressed and no longer paid attention to the customers who came to the store. She sat quietly at the door alone, her eyes drifting to the distant front and watching intently. Looking at her condition, I was very worried. When I had free time, I called her. She turned her head and glanced at me, then looked into the distance again.

When I go to bed at night, I often have inexplicable heart palpitations when I see her lying on her back sleeping silently. Sometimes I need to stretch out my palm and feel the temperature of her breathing before I feel relieved. Human beings are actually very stupid animals. God has already given us revelations, but we have not consciously noticed them. Looking back now, it makes me even sadder!

On the twenty-fifth day of the twelfth lunar month, at the urging of her second sister-in-law, her husband came to pick her up again. This time she didn't hesitate at all, she just said calmly to her husband before leaving that she wanted to perm her hair when she got back. Why did my husband ask me to perm my hair? She said that she had to dress up for the Chinese New Year! Then she followed her husband without looking back. Somehow, seeing her decisive attitude when she left, I felt inexplicably uneasy, and an ominous feeling made my heart tense. I actually felt a little impulsive and wanted to pull her back. But after all, the Chinese New Year is coming, so let her go home! Besides, my place is not her place to stay for a long time. She has to live her own life after all.

One day later, a very bad news came like a bolt from the blue. Qinger drank pesticide! Because eleven hours had passed since the discovery, the best rescue time had been missed, so the city hospital did not stay and went to the provincial hospital. That night, I fell into deep pain and self-blame. I don’t know what happened between her and her husband when she went back this time. Or should I support her divorce! But we all regard her as a patient and irrational nonsense, but she would rather be broken into pieces than destroyed! I should have kept her! But I didn't. Her decisive look dangled before my eyes when she left. She must have decided to do this from the moment she returned home!

At four o'clock in the morning on the 28th, the hospital issued a critical illness notice, and my brother and sister drove there quickly. As soon as they entered the ward, the second brother with red and swollen eyes and the second sister-in-law with messy hair came up to them with solemn expressions. Qing'er, who was wearing a sling bottle, was lying on the hospital bed with her eyes closed and her breathing was rapid. When she heard us coming, she called out. My little aunt was speechless. I sat in front of the hospital bed and held her hands. They were a pair of young people's hands, as gentle as jade, delicate and soft. A few days ago, they washed the dishes and packed the goods for me, but now these hands gave her to herself. On the point of no return... I rubbed it, feeling a tearing pain in my heart. Tears welled up quietly and fell on the smooth back of the hand held in his hand. Qing'er tried hard to open his eyes and look at me, but he only opened them twice and closed them weakly. I just held her hand quietly and guarded her, really wanting to pass my life force to her through both hands. At six o'clock in the morning, under the doctor's helpless hint, we hurriedly packed up our things to take Qing'er home from the hospital!

The second brother’s family will ride in one car, and the rest of our brothers and sisters will sit in one car. Let’s let their family get together for the last time!

The car was heading east very fast, towards my hometown! When ordinary people are discharged from the hospital, they have recovered their health and are ready to face a better life! This time, we are running towards death! Along the way, we were both heavy and speechless. The scenes of the past few days flashed through my mind like a sea. If the second brother had not lost his temper with her at the beginning but had taken her in kindly, if the second sister-in-law had immediately quit her job and stayed with her at home, If...if I had kept her for a few more days, or simply asked her to go back after the Chinese New Year, if I knew that her husband did not wait for her to vomit all night after she took the medicine, but immediately sent her to the hospital for rescue, wouldn't he? Is this the case? ! But all assumptions are gone, and we have no chance. The indifference of all of us ended the life of a young flower! But what if the hypothesis comes true? Can we guarantee there won’t be a second time? ! ...Or thinking this way is just looking for an excuse for one's own selfishness? ! ...Then what is the source of Qing'er's illness...? !

My thoughts became more and more confused and my head hurt more and more. I forced myself not to think about anything and just leaned on the back of the seat tiredly. Su Rui's singing voice drifted over to me like a cry,

"Little child

Did you cry today?

Did all your friends leave?

Leaving behind a loneliness that cannot be taken away

Did the beautiful child cry today

Did the beautiful clothes get dirty

But there is no one to talk to

Did the smart child cry today

Have he lost his beloved gift

Looking for it in the wind from early morning to dusk

My dear child

Why don't you let me see clearly

Did you let the wind blow out the candle?

Walking alone in the dark< /p>

Dear child

Wipe your tears quickly

I am willing to accompany you on the way home...

This I have listened to the song before, but I just thought it sounded good and I didn’t have too many feelings about it.

But now this sad song hits the depths of my soul. My poor child, have you also soiled your beautiful clothes, but can't find anyone to talk to? Have you also lost your beloved gift, and are you determined to Are you looking for it? But, child! You just resolutely embarked on that dark road alone, how can you make your relatives feel so embarrassed? ! Don't be afraid! child! Let us accompany you now and accompany you on the way home...

Outside the car window, the sky in front of you is a brilliant morning glow, the red is mellow and intense, just like the bright red blood. Spreading, the morning sun radiates soft light through the thick red clouds. The fire-like sun is slowly rising from the clouds, and the deep red gradually spreads and becomes lighter... Such a beautiful morning glow, Such a vibrant day, but my young child, she will never see it again!

After an hour's journey, Qing'er returned to her home. At ten o'clock in the morning, accompanied by her relatives, she breathed her last breath with difficulty, and a young life was lost!

After her death, a music box was placed next to her soul. The music box played her favorite Buddhist songs during her lifetime. She received the greatest respect after her life came to an end!

On that day, Su Rui’s song and the morning glow as red as blood became the eternal pain in my heart! I remembered a passage I once read in an article: "A person does not really die when he expires. Some people say that a person will die three times. The first time is when he expires, and he is biologically dead; the second time is when he expires. It was when he was buried, people came to his funeral and remembered his life, and then he died in society and no longer had his place; the third time was when the last person who remembered him forgot about him, that "That's when he really died." I'm glad that I finally finished this article, so that every time I read it, Qing'er's shadow will appear in front of me, so that she will always be alive, at least. Live in my limited life!