Comfort people in a bad mood.

1, "Pig Lang, another year has passed, and it's time for us to finish!" "Yulan, give me another chance. If I fool around with Chang 'e again, I'll be the pig who reads text messages next year! "

If someone bullies you, tell me! I beat his face into a color screen, his head into vibration, his ears into chords, his nose into a straight plate, and his front teeth into somersaults. Anyway, I beat him to second hand!

I found a friend-making function on QQ. After reading it, women are asking for a treat! A lot of fucking people signed up! I pay for men! Only for sister paper! Nobody has signed up yet! Does this phenomenon mean! More men and fewer women? It is harder to find a wife!

One day, my friends and I went to the toilet. Just in time for dinner. When I was in a hurry, I shouted outside, "Have you finished eating?" I didn't react at the time. Then the friend replied, "Soon!" People around you are paying attention.

5. "Mom, I found that Jack loves me very much." "How do you know?" "Every time he hugs me, I can hear his heartbeat." "Be careful, daughter, I was cheated when your father hid his pocket watch."

6. Acquaintance is the most precious fate, missing is the most beautiful mood, knowing each other is the tacit understanding, and blessing is the most sincere greeting. Whenever and wherever, stop looking and bring my blessing.

It was windy at noon today, so I went out for lunch with my colleagues. I saw a beautiful woman wearing a skirt, and a gust of wind blew her skirt away. Everyone looked at each other at once, and the beauty shouted, What are you looking at? Can't you see my mother is wearing a safe? There was a faint voice in the distance: it seemed that there were only briefs.

8. I can't sleep tonight, and there are people waiting in line. I told the manager that it was all my fault, but he still interrupted me.

9. I am very happy to steam steamed buns at home for the first time. I took my own steamed stuffed bun and said happily to my father, "Dad, how about trying my steamed stuffed bun?"

10, my husband asked: What should I do if I am going to have an affair? The wife smiled: I am very gentle, and I will maim you at most, but I won't kill you! The husband was moved and said, that's very kind of you! The wife smiled and said, if we can't be husband and wife, we can still be sisters!

1 1. Many people, including me, will have a solemn and sacred ceremony on weekends: don't eat any breakfast in the morning, then lie in bed and meditate quietly, get up around noon and start the day's activities. People use this abstinence ceremony to express their minimum respect and gratitude for the weekend.

12. One day, I accompanied my wife to buy a watch. My wife chose a small and smart imported high-end watch, worth 10 thousand. I quickly advised her: "This watch is too thin and your eyes are not good." My wife interrupted me: "As long as others have a good eye."

13, a beautiful colleague wore a bodybuilding jumpsuit, then a bottoming shirt, and then put on her white coat, and then when she went to the toilet, she found that the jumpsuit could not be taken off directly. You have to take off your clothes every time to continue! It's winter!

14, marriage is like "running man", the essence of which is cooperation. If your teammate is Jerry Lee, you will be relaxed and practical; If it is Ryan, no matter what the outcome is, there is no lack of interest in the process; If it is Zulan, he will also rack his brains and do his best; But if you meet Michael Chen on the show, you'd better forget it.

15, walking through mountains and rivers, with high and low feet; After ups and downs, we still have to look for it; Life is busy, gained more or less, lost little by little, and the important thing is to be happy!

16, are you still at work? You must be very busy these days. Pay attention to rest and don't be too tired. For example, don't read this message.

17, here comes the bus. A lady in a long skirt invested 8 yuan and the driver let her get on the bus. The second young lady in a miniskirt invested 4 yuan, and the driver let her in. The third lady didn't invest, but the driver let her on the bus. Why? (She uses tickets)

18, I wish my life is getting better and better, my age is getting smaller and smaller, and my economy will go up again. The villa is full of diamonds and jewels, showing off in a BMW, making money like mowing grass, feeling like a thief, proud to have friends like you!

19, a thief was arrested, and the judge said: You have stolen it many times, why don't you change it? The thief said: I have transfused blood twice, and later found out that the person who gave me blood transfusion turned out to be a habitual thief.

20. One day, my wife and I went shopping and found a store selling almonds. Each kind looks delicious. I want to buy one. I asked the clerk, "Is this sold separately?" Shop assistant: "no, it's American."

2 1, going to a nightclub for the first time in my life, wearing a cap, afraid of meeting acquaintances. After a while, I found a man staring at me. I was very upset and rushed out. The man chased me and called my name to stop. I am anxious: Dad, you have mistaken me for someone else. I am not your daughter!

22. When I was in primary school, there was a text called Waterfall. In the middle, it is said that the author turned a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging in it. When one of my female classmates was reading aloud, she also said loudly: I was shocked when I climbed over this mountain. There was a rag hanging on the mountain. The whole class was stunned.

23. There will be a meteor shower tonight. It is said that a big pig will fall from the sky. Too bad I want to sleep. You're gonna be okay. So many people watch you fly! You make clothes out of white clouds, borrow the right wing of a bird, fly to me like an arrow, and tell me: the bird man is like this!

24. There are many women around, all of whom are aunts; Occasionally there are exceptions, and it's also a bad date. There are too many bachelors around me, and I am hungry all day; I want to say a few words of comfort, but I don't know what to say.

25. He took his girlfriend home and bit her ear gently on the way: "I'll show you my housekeeping skills later ..." "I hate it ~ people won't come ~" said his girlfriend shyly. Arriving at the door, he immediately opened his arms in front of the door and said loudly, "I won't let you in!" " "

26. Noodles were bullied by steamed bread, and they took revenge on Hua Juan. Hua Juan met a bean bag and mistook it for steamed bread, so she called it back. Noodles ask: revenge? Hua Juan said: Don't worry! Shit is coming out!

27. Tell me about my primary school days. It is said that the homework left by the teacher in winter vacation is winter vacation life. I haven't written a word to my deskmate since school started. I saw that the goods wiped every page with an eraser, leaving a book full of rubber crumbs. After class, the goods cried and told the teacher that a thief came into my house on New Year's Eve and wiped all my homework. Yes

28. The so-called love is to sleep with her today and want to sleep with her tomorrow; Marriage is sleeping with her today and sleeping with her tomorrow. The so-called career means doing it today and wanting to do it tomorrow; The so-called occupation means that you have to do it today and tomorrow. A friend is someone who wants to drink after dinner. The so-called guest is drinking after dinner.

29. On the bus today, a big brother's feet really stink. I looked at him, and he even wore a mask. Does he also know that his smelly feet will make others want to vomit?

30. The cat said, "It's really tiring to take the civil service exam. My eyesight has dropped again. I need a mirror. " The panda said, "nephew, that's very kind of you." I'm getting married recently. I have no money, no house, no car, and I can only get married naked! " "

3 1. One day, Xiao Tong squatted beside the henhouse, watching the hens in a daze. Mother: "Tong Tong, what are you doing?" Why are you squatting here? "Xiao Tong:" Mom, why don't you ask what the old hen is doing? Why is she squatting here? "

32. After receiving this message, I like you, delete my secret love, reply that I want to marry me, or promise not to marry me, and change it to my person who died, and leave it to me in the next life and forward it to the world to declare that I love you!

33. Lao Wang next door found a condom missing from the box and asked his son in elementary school, "Did you take anything from this box?" The son said, "I didn't take it. Even if I know, it's no use. I can only use my hands now. " "Son, when you grow up ..."

34. A slag friend borrowed more than 1000 from me for more than a year. He has never asked for it before. Last month, he was short of money and asked him for money. He said he would call me when he got paid this month. I didn't say anything. Today, I watched the space dynamics, and the slag friend bought a new 6s! There are four words in the sky: MLGB. It's just venting. If you give it to those selfish guys, you will pretend to have an egg in the future.

35. Online registration requires marriage, and not much information is submitted. Suddenly, the phone calls, and the dream lover is her. If you want to start a family with me, I'll say, sister, listen to the truth. The relationship between husband and wife is particularly deep. You can't get married without me. You'd rather I didn't, young man. I am not an ordinary person.

36. It's autumn in a blink of an eye, and I miss you all the time. Although the distance is far away, my concern for you has not diminished; Don't forget your friend's concern, send a message to remind you; Rest more when the weekend comes, and embrace happiness and good mood!

37. The mouse strayed into the flower shop and was chased by Xiaohua Mall. Seeing that there was no way out, the mouse picked up a bunch of roses and prepared to resist. Xiaohua Mall saw it and said shyly, Sorry, I'm still young.

Just having money can't make people happy, so I stole some jewels, stamps and watches.

The army gave everyone a comb, but shaved everyone's hair in the afternoon. The next day, everyone got a condom. In the afternoon, everyone ran away!

40. Is there anything in the world that can carry humans at a speed of nearly 2,000 kilometers per hour without stopping to refuel or replenish other fuels? The answer is: the earth where human beings live.

4 1. God said he could grant me a wish. I took out my globe and said I wanted world peace. He said it was too difficult. Let's change it. I took out your photo and said I want this person to look good. He pondered: I'd better bring a globe.

42. My husband and I had a big fight over a jiaozi. I said I would eat three, but he insisted that I eat four. As a result, they quarreled downstairs from the restaurant. I was wearing high heels and my feet hurt. Finally, I took off my shoes and stood barefoot by the road. He also said that I didn't love him enough, which caused a series of problems.

43. The hypnotist Martin met the boxing champion Ali. Martin did not change his true colors and provoked on the spot. Ali, the boxing champion, said, "I'll give you a punch and you'll be in a deep coma immediately."

44. Someone went to the Northeast on business and asked for beer in a restaurant. The waiter asked, room temperature or cold storage? Some people angered, you still let me drink frozen food in this cold weather? ! The waiter calmly said that the room temperature is-15, and the refrigeration is-1.

45. Your name is Niu Er, and your daughter-in-law is Niu Er. You gave birth to a son named two dog and the dog's girlfriend named Er Ya. That day, two ducks ran away, two dogs were chasing, and you were shouting. This is "the dog barks at the duck"!

46. Mixed comments on poems: 1, indicating that we are willing to fly in heaven, and two birds are one, facing disasters and parting ways. (Too affectionate! I suggest you have another glass of wine. Since then, Xiao Lang has been a passer-by. How rude! )

47. That day, I was preparing to go to the zoo to see orangutans, and you came. I told you my arrangement politely, but I didn't expect you to turn your back and shout. Didn't you see I was right in front of you? You should go to the zoo.

48. Girlfriend: Do you often motivate yourself to struggle? Boyfriend: Of course! I have to read Forbes Rich List every morning when I get up. If my name is not on it, I will go to work …

49. When we were young, we didn't guess. I sing and you dance. I can sing 200 songs and you can dance 200 dances, so people affectionately call me 200 songs and you 200 dances!

50. My roommate went out today and his mobile phone was stolen. He chased for more than ten kilometers and finally caught up with the thief. The thief pulled out a dagger from his waist and roared, "Nima dug a mobile phone with more than 200 yuan." You chased Lao Tzu for more than ten kilometers, and I fucking stabbed you to death! " At that time, my roommate turned green with fear and said with trembling, "Brother, you misunderstood me. I chased you to give you a charger. "

5 1, the keyboard crackles during the day, and it is difficult to put down your hands when you go home at night. Sleep with a quilt, sleep with a wife, dream with a mat, wake up with a brain, walk with yourself, rest with a desk and become a typist. The world is a keyboard.

52. The highest way to pick up girls: tear your face, put aside your self-esteem, empty your wallet, empty your mind and run out of time and energy. Nothing can't be soaked!

Children complain a lot when they do their homework. Parents should have a correct concept: reading more books can make them smarter, and they should work hard. The child responded: Being smart is also harmful. If Li Bai was not so clever and wrote so many poems, I wouldn't be so tired.

54. Mother taught her daughter to cook, during which her mother asked her, "Why is it delicious to stir-fry carrots with Chili?" The daughter replied, "Pepper and carrot belong to the same family, because they are both surnamed Hu!" " "

55. The boy said to the girl: Dear, if Edison hadn't invented the electric light, we would still have to watch TV by candlelight.

56. Everyone who comforted you about the failure of the course finally got a scholarship silently. Everyone who praises your chubby face is so cute has finally become a heartthrob; Everyone who tells you that his future is hopeless will end up worth over 100 million yuan. Only you have been refined into an idiot in ignorance and degeneration!

57. Dear slacker, do you sleep deeply in winter and laugh in your dreams? It's a beautiful day today. Remember to take a bath in the afternoon, lest your fragrance put me down tomorrow!

58. A classmate printed "Adidas" on his clothes. On the first day, he lost an A and became Didas. I lost the word "Si" the next day, and finally. Finally. There is only one word left. There was also a Baiyun Temple.

59. There is a dragon that requires the village to sacrifice once a year. Every year, a young hero fights the dragon in this village, but no one is alive. When another hero set out, someone quietly followed. The dragon cave is full of gold and silver treasures, and the hero stabbed the dragon with his sword. Then sitting on the corpse, looking at the flashing gem, slowly growing scales, tails and tentacles, and finally becoming a dragon.

When the emperor saw the princess's sad face, he called the doctor. Medical prescription: eight strong men. A few days later, the emperor went out to visit the palace. I was overjoyed to see the princess radiant. Suddenly I saw eight thin people standing in front of the temple. I was surprised and asked, Who? The doctor replied: scum!

6 1, the deskmate fell asleep doing the paper, and put an earth-shattering fart in his sleep, which was extremely unpleasant. Everyone stopped looking at him at once, but he didn't mean to wake up. Looking at the teacher's livid face on the platform, we all tried to hold back our laughter. But at this time, the deskmate actually talked about talking in his sleep, only to hear him say, "It's delicious!" "

62. Last week, a grain of sand fell into my wife's eye, so I had to see a doctor, which cost me thirty yuan. B: What's the matter? A fur coat fell into my wife's eyes the other day and cost me 3,000 yuan.

63. I have seen countless people in my life and have never seen you like this. You said there was no such thing as you! Tall is tall, but it's still so white, just right. Why are you still so handsome? ! What did you say?/Sorry?

64. Dogs depend on their owners' love and never look down on other small animals. No, as long as it is cold, the owner puts on clothes for it, and the dog can't wait to show off everywhere. The pig saw it and snorted contemptuously. "No, right? Envy, jealousy, hate? Whispering behind my back that I am a' dog hitting people'? " "You are the standard devil wears Prada!" The pig said bitterly.

65, for my angel, I am willing to do everything that is beneficial to him! Angels come to earth, spinach loves him forever!

66. There are several kinds of rice noodles in the rice noodle shop, which are common in 4 yuan, but cross-bridge rice noodles are 10 yuan. Why? Answer: because you have to pay the bridge fee! Excuse me, what can't I wear in thunderstorm season? Answer: beret (thunder hat).

67. Piggy set up a club and said: Members should have nicknames and call me Piggy! Dog: Call me puppy! Kitten: Call me kitten! The chicken blushed and said she had to go first.

68. Wife: "Husband, I just heard a news that there is a car reversing on the expressway. Be careful! " Husband: "A car? I think there are more than a hundred cars! "

69. A man took part in a gluttonous competition, wolfed down a chicken, nine hamburgers and a large piece of apple pie, and finally won the championship. Before stepping down, he said to others: Don't tell my wife, or I won't have lunch.

70, cooking wine theory heroes get the world (talented men's wear), learn emergency care and common sense, and are not afraid to travel all over the world. High-speed rail has been annoying recently, and everyone is worried. Borrow a sentence from a netizen: "As long as I dare to drive, I dare to sit!" It is so confident (soft) and so chic!

7 1. In this boring world, there is a boring me. I use my boring time to send you a boring short message and ask you a more boring question: Are you bored?

72. Do you have a TV over there? Now hurry up and watch the central Zhao Benshan killed, * * blocked the northeast, 19 people were killed, 1 1 people were missing, 1 people were fooled!

73. Youth shines on your face. The image of lively love is really handsome, charming and blooming. Romance lights up for you like countless stars. People are amazed at your beautiful style: you have a lot of acne!

74. "Men have no good things" is called "* * right"; "Women don't have a good thing" is called "sexism"; "Men and women are not good things" is called "universal value".

75. Chatting with my boyfriend: "My best friend gave birth to a son. So cute, but she won't let me play with her son's penis. " My boyfriend said to me with a serious face: "Don't bully children, I'll play for you!" " "

76. The motivation to love you is to see you surging with emotion. The process of loving you is giving. The purpose of loving you is to accompany you to your old age, and the result of loving you is inescapable. After I analyzed it clearly, I decided decisively: Happy Valentine's Day, I turned off my cell phone and went to bed!

77. There is a Grenade. One day, after eating, it cleaned its teeth. Suddenly, it found a thorn between its teeth. It exploded with a hard pull.

78. Bookstore owner: "This is cheap. After reading it, you will definitely laugh. " Woman: "buy one and I'll give it to my mother-in-law."

79. The ornithologist walked into the patent registry and said excitedly, I have successfully mated the homing pigeon with the woodpecker. He went on to explain that the hybrid birds produced in the future can not only carry letters, but also knock on the door when they arrive!

80. A swimming coach is shopping in the mall. A beautiful lady greeted him. He looked intently and found that it was one of his students. He then said loudly, "You really didn't recognize you when you put on your clothes!"

8 1, the four ideals of pigs: the railings around are rotten, the sky is full of feed, the butchers all over the world are dead, and the whole country believes in * *.

82. I once quarreled with my wife. Because I can't call at work, I send text messages back and forth, which is very noisy. I made a big attack, and suddenly one day my wife sent me a text message, which made me laugh. She said, "Although you are quarrelsome and angry, I have to admire your typing speed!"

83. Chief: Hello, comrades! Soldier: Hello, sir! Chief: comrades are all tanned! Soldier: The leader is blacker! The chief patted a soldier's chest and said, how well this muscle is trained! Soldier: Sir, I'm a female soldier.

84. I feel sleepy in spring, autumn and summer, and I want to doze off at work. Make a cup of strong tea to drive away the fire in your heart and worry about the things behind you. Never walk into that dead end, share it with friends happily, and work happily every day if you like me.

85. There is a wedding in the church. Two children are bored outside. One of them said he was going to play a joke on the groom. A: How? Go up to him and call dad.

86. If you are awake, you will always be awake; If you fall asleep, go back to sleep. If you take a walk, you should relax; If you take part in the race, do your best. Concentrate on things, have the same goal, persevere and create miracles. Come on, friend!

87. The first part: Ten students, nine of whom were busy taking exams and preparing for exams for eight days, got up at seven o'clock and recited six parents' facial features. For three big questions on the four-page test paper, they finally got two exams but failed to get a few, which was a mess ... The second part: one school, two exam weeks, tasteless food, and the cold wind around. Remember that the five internal organs were exhausted and the five internal organs were all around.

88. I had a good time with my girlfriend yesterday. Girlfriend: Go and wear TT. After a while, girlfriend: You go and wear another one. After a while, girlfriend: Let's wear another one. I told you I wouldn't tell. As for being so worried. Girlfriend: I'm not worried, but I really feel too thin!

89. I hope you are happy; Wu wear the belly happy; Music covered with a quilt; A runny nose; Look in the mirror; Haha, happy to the sky; Drink water and be happy; I am happy to think of me; If you are unhappy, you will be happy; Happy forever!

90. When an old cadre died, mourners sent 100 wreaths. When my daughter came back from school, she saw so many wreaths at the door. She was surprised and asked, Mom, why did so many people die at once?

9 1, Ayong asked Amin for advice: How did you get her? A-Ming: She runs a teahouse. I go there every day, that's all. You can also use this trick! Ayong: Alas! I only have one tooth.

92. When Xiao Li first went to school, the class teacher introduced: Your Chinese teacher is a woman, but she is Miss Lan, and your math teacher is a man, but he is Miss Lu. Xiao Li's parents were dizzy when they introduced the teacher.

93. When I was in college, I was too lazy to go to class if I couldn't get up in the morning, but there were always some teachers who wanted to call the roll. Every time a girl in the dormitory doesn't go to the teacher, she calls the roll. When she goes, she never calls the roll and nods back. Thus, the morning became such a scene. I got up early in the morning and gave her a look. I got up and went to class at once. After she left, I continued to sleep.

94. A child ran to his father when he had a problem with his homework. The child asked his father: Dad, when did the text come out? Dad said while playing cards: that-mosquitoes came out in summer!

95. The husband is reading the evening paper. After reading an article entitled "Women live longer than men", he asked his wife, "I really don't know why men leave first?" The wife said, "Someone has to stay and collect the clothes!" "

96. "Thanks to my brother's love, I am a' noble person' and I am willing to join hands with my brother and work together to move forward side by side." Brother: "You are indeed a strange person, but this strange person is not an expensive person." A joke is willing to bring you happiness and "dignity".

97. A: When I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, she made a wish that I would be the best man of her lover when I got married! B: Very touching. Did you go? A: What's so touching? I went to see dozens of groomsmen that day!

98. People float in the world. Who can help others without being helped by others? What's wrong with helping a friend twice? In a relationship like yours and mine, you won't mind doing it for me once! Help me pay the phone bill, heaven and earth are in harmony, and you can pay back the money even if there is no edge in the mountains! This time 2 is beautiful and noble! Go now!

99. My girlfriend made up her mind to start losing weight and said to her aunt, "From today on, I will only eat bananas and pineapples for dinner!" Ah Zhu replied lightly, "That's how elephants grow up."

100, son: Dad, what do I want to read most? Dad: I can't watch it yet. After watching it for ten years, I still feel very * *. Son: What book? Father: Call for a marriage certificate, which makes men feel * *.

10 1. A foreign tourist visited the orchard and boasted as he walked: "In China, oranges look like football and banana trees look like iron towers." He tripped over a pile of watermelons. A fruit grower shouted, "Be careful of our grapes!"

102. On the way, I heard an uncle shouting excitedly: Yes! The national football team scored 3 goals! That's right! This is men's football! Yes, yes! It's a game with South Korea! What? Same to you? Right, right, right! The other side is also a men's football team!